365 Days of Self Esteem Sentence Completion

[Karla]

Day 1/365

Two weeks ago, I started the Nathaniel Branden sentence completion exercises that Leo recommended in a the Cult series part 1 video because it just felt like I had to do it ha ha.

Since beginning, I am painfully aware of the drama my unconsciousness has created. I have been documenting it through journaling, audio and video but I thought I would do it here. I just feel called to I think because it has been so powerful for me AND I want to be part of a community of like minds.

How cool is that we have this opportunity to share vulnerably in such a place?

Today I blogged about being painfully aware of my FEAR OF BEING SEEN AS “NEGATIVE” or a Debbie Downer or even an angry black woman (I don’t have this as often) but overall it is definitely in there!

As I was binging on that Anand Girhardasas videos, the past weekend, I realized I was in awe of his ability to address some “negative” topics right to the face of the accused elitist people at that Aspen speech. His integrity in giving a speech from his soul/higher calling superseded the normal fakeness of fitting in at all costs.

I desire that level of zero fucks and impact. Plus I feel that it’s needed and in alighment with my truest nature.

I can feel that this goes really deep, deeper than I am aware of at the moment.

My shallow awareness of my hiding is one of the reasons I decided to begin the sentence completions and self esteem inner work anyways.

I greatly desire to talk openly and honestly about some of my “darker” experiences: with my dad’s death, my sister’s mental illness, my thoughts on racism, and hiding as part of my awakening journey AND my realization of just how toxic our cultural conditioning is on dictating our life.

This is mainly out of fear and I almost can’t stomach it sometimes because I see it hindering my evolution.

We can use our cultural conditioning as an example of what not to do— working on this!!

Obviously, I have already started but there is much more room for growth here. I feel called to speak openly for my own health and for others, as expression is just as healthy as exercise, proper nutrition, sleep, relationships, etc.

I rarely speak up (as much as I want to, in all places) because of fear/ lack of self esteem in doing so... this also leads me to be quiet at times, while completely blowing up at other times.

I will still document here for at least the 365 days from today. Today being day 1.

Self-Esteem, based on what I have learned so far, is super deep—- It goes deeply into and right along with self actualization work in my eyes. As well as unraveling the self/ self perception through self inquiry and vulnerability.

The plan is to do my sentence completion daily, sometimes sharing it here —as is, as a way to remain accountable & vulnerable. Plus one scary action each day.

The one scary action per day is kind of scary now but a little exciting he he.

Planning to also report here on my insights, self-esteem & consciousness progress daily.

[d0ornokey]

Good luck! I've been doing it for 5 months now. 

Some tips: 

- Try not to do it mechanically. the benefit of it goes away 

- spend time contemplating the pillars and really developing good understanding of each pillar 

- just write whatever comes to your mind/ from your heart when writing stems

- I use onenote, and keep a bunch of my favorite stems in a page. then i pick one in the morning and use those stems 

- use the book as a guide, don't forget the book and theory when doing stems

 

I can tell you that self-acceptance is my favorite. It really removes so much of the suffering that comes with my day

 

[Karla]

On 1/17/2019 at 6:48 PM, VictorB02 said:

 

9 hours ago, d0ornokey said:

Good luck! I've been doing it for 5 months now. 

Some tips: 

- Try not to do it mechanically. the benefit of it goes away 

- spend time contemplating the pillars and really developing good understanding of each pillar 

- just write whatever comes to your mind/ from your heart when writing stems

- I use onenote, and keep a bunch of my favorite stems in a page. then i pick one in the morning and use those stems 

- use the book as a guide, don't forget the book and theory when doing stems

 

I can tell you that self-acceptance is my favorite. It really removes so much of the suffering that comes with my day

 

THANK YOUUUUU— @d0ornokey I love the book. I just ordered the other one The Art of Living Consciously.

I caught myself getting mechanical early on and soooo get that!!

LOVE your suggestions. I feel like they are all familiar in some way but with a new light from Nathaniel Branden. He is a brilliant dude.

I’ve been quoting him like mad ha ha.

I particularly like noticing the patterns. Super good for me.

 

[Karla]

Day 2/365

Sharing the reflection exercise:  In reflection of the day, if I were more conscious I would:  just surrender.

Let go, relax, release the outcome and play/ be played.

All I really want is expression so yum.

I spent forverrrrr on some non-fun techie stuff today early on and it just blew my vibe. Then I was late to my favorite class at the gym (Body Combat) so the first half of the day was a blower.

Felt like I could have gotten more done though.

One really good thing: Apartment secured— exactly what I wanted, so that was a good highlight that confirmed my reflection. 

More so an accountability entry today. I actually love doing the sentence completion but feel like a bump on a log when I can’t maintain that flow feeling after I finish the sentences.

Perhaps can move the activity or repeat it after boring tasks in the future??

[Karla]

3/365

Yesss, my thingie doesn't say newbie amymore lol.

Soo, about today-- nailed it.

I asked for all da thingsss. For help. For space for my event.

Feeling super good on my vids but I am still avoiding something. Eek.

More on that tomorrow.

Vid from yesterday...

https://youtu.be/DbZA5-37F4I

Part of my self esteem sentence challenge is to get more me on video and less uptight.

Yesterday was pretty natural feeling so yea.

It was enjoyable reading a poem that it made me order Essential Rumi (so I can have Rumi Tuesday) but no more book purchasing for awhile. At least 30 days.

 

[Karla]

4/365

Integrity|Cognitive Disonance |Self Esteem & Self Love

I had a huge aha this morning about cognitive disonance and self esteem and how it's the same as lack of integrity when I look closely at in myself.

When ever we are internally divided, internally at war because we either cannot accept something about ourselves OR we fail to act in what we know, it results in low self esteem.

I noticed too how we actually learn cognitive dissonance- to know one thing and do another in our split culture. I still have some annoyance about this... I just wanna call it out and make fun of it, argh.

Today, I spoke up about some small things for a gig that possibly seem petty (the space is kinda dirty lol) but I cannot handle it-- it was small but the small things are the hardest to speak up about because they are small LOL.

But I fuckin brought it up and ahhhhh it's such a load off petty or not he he.

Nathaniel Branden is genius with this self esteem stuff.

Video for today: I am ahead on this because I started early...

 

Edited February 1, 2019 by Karla

[Zigzag Idiot]

48 minutes ago, Karla said:

Integrity|Cognitive Disonance |Self Esteem & Self Love

 

It was neat for me too realize what you're describing seems exactly what the Fourth Way calls having multiple "i"s. Transpersonal Psychologist Charles Tart  uses the Fourth Way approach but he's enriched it with some of his own terms. I clipped a couple of small excerpts from a good article of his.  

Cognitive Disonance sounds very similar to his term - "discontinuity of consciousness"

Discontinuity of consciousness he says is the essential threshold problem. The problem must be addressed - we must "self remember" and wake up from out of the cultural consensual trance - before we can ever know ourselves and find the answers within.

 

Charles Tart discovered that there is a basic resistance in our culture to self observation. We tend to equate self observation with judgmental self criticism, with feelings of inadequacy, punishment, shame and guilt. To be effective, self remembrance procedures should be devoid of all judgments and criticism. It should be a neutral process of objective, detached observation. This requires tremendous commitment and honesty. In self observation you essentially try to observe yourself and your world, no matter what it is, good or bad, ugly or beautiful, happy or sad. You don't just observe yourself only when you happen to be doing something you like, or in order to support something you already believe in. You try to observe yourself in your world to see what really is.

 

Charles Tart also speaks of another major way of escape from the culture trance, the method of "altered states of consciousness".

Taken from : http://www.lawsofwisdom.com/course-overview/opening-statement/the-problem-of-the-subtle-sybil-effect/

 

I enjoyed your video!

[Karla]

20 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

It was neat for me too realize what you're describing seems exactly what the Fourth Way calls having multiple "i"s. Transpersonal Psychologist Charles Tart  uses the Fourth Way approach but he's enriched it with some of his own terms. I clipped a couple of small excerpts from a good article of his.  

Cognitive Disonance sounds very similar to his term - "discontinuity of consciousness"

Discontinuity of consciousness he says is the essential threshold problem. The problem must be addressed - we must "self remember" and wake up from out of the cultural consensual trance - before we can ever know ourselves and find the answers within.

 

Charles Tart discovered that there is a basic resistance in our culture to self observation. We tend to equate self observation with judgmental self criticism, with feelings of inadequacy, punishment, shame and guilt. To be effective, self remembrance procedures should be devoid of all judgments and criticism. It should be a neutral process of objective, detached observation. This requires tremendous commitment and honesty. In self observation you essentially try to observe yourself and your world, no matter what it is, good or bad, ugly or beautiful, happy or sad. You don't just observe yourself only when you happen to be doing something you like, or in order to support something you already believe in. You try to observe yourself in your world to see what really is.

 

Charles Tart also speaks of another major way of escape from the culture trance, the method of "altered states of consciousness".

Taken from : http://www.lawsofwisdom.com/course-overview/opening-statement/the-problem-of-the-subtle-sybil-effect/

 

I enjoyed your video!

OH MY GOSH!!

Amazing link @Zigzag Idiot!! So good. Thank you. Seriously so grateful— I find it so interesting that I will reference a piece in my journal and vlog ha ha. I absolutely love gathering different perspectives especially on this topic. His is quite eloquently described in a way that is simple yet profound.

Love that example of the baby being encouraged to say some things not others. There is SO much said in examples such as this, and nobody EVER talks about it. So gratifying to read it and resonate with the truth in there.

And THANKS for the video feedback. :-)

I was actually just wondering if it even matters to track on the forum and of course it is, I will definitely dig into more from Charles Tart!

[Karla]

5/365

My awareness around being in integrity increases every day and yesterday's discovery was YUGE for me. 

So many connections around: cognitive disonance, integrity, self esteem, alignment and self love/ wholeness.

I felt at one in my video too.

So cool to have the Charles Tart work to research as well.

It's so obvious to me that as many examples as possible are needed, different descriptions, like potato vs. potata-- the connections happen for me in a language I undeestand and only then can I grasp someone else's way of saying it.

The more diverse descriptions available with examples/ myths on a topic-- the easier it is for different people to also understand in their own language. ?

Video... I started the self esteem research/challenge earlier there. Which is why I mention it being day 20.

 

Edited February 2, 2019 by Karla

[Zigzag Idiot]

Oh Cool!    You even read some of the Tart article on your new podcast!

I'm glad the comparison between 'discontinuity of consciousness' and 'cognitive dissonance' struck you as obvious as it did for me. 

You seem excited and I'm happy for you. Integrating major aspects does seem to have that effect of revving up the chi energy. In the past, more than once, I've let myself get out of balance because I would feel so supercharged that I would barely sleep for days and then end up having to deal with a swing in the emotional pendulum. I think for a percentage of people it may be unavoidable. It just happens and it was the repeated climb out of those episodes that have probably been even better for my growth long term. Actually I'm speaking of a Kundalini Awakening which really produces some intense  phenomena. Just knowing about it in advance can save a lot of time in the long run if you run into this. 

 

Neat idea to basically do your Journal in a video ,,,, 

????

 

[Karla]

14 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Oh Cool!    You even read some of the Tart article on your new podcast!

I'm glad the comparison between 'discontinuity of consciousness' and 'cognitive dissonance' struck you as obvious as it did for me. 

You seem excited and I'm happy for you. Integrating major aspects does seem to have that effect of revving up the chi energy. In the past, more than once, I've let myself get out of balance because I would feel so supercharged that I would barely sleep for days and then end up having to deal with a swing in the emotional pendulum. I think for a percentage of people it may be unavoidable. It just happens and it was the repeated climb out of those episodes that have probably been even better for my growth long term. Actually I'm speaking of a Kundalini Awakening which really produces some intense  phenomena. Just knowing about it in advance can save a lot of time in the long run if you run into this. 

 

Neat idea to basically do your Journal in a video ,,,, 

????

 

Hey thanks-- I have had trouble sleeping for the last few weeks. Interesting...

I figured I could be writing more and emptying more each day with getting more done.

I am excited because I have had this on the back burner awhile ya know-- so really getting clearer on the self esteem/ lack of connectedness issue is very stimulating. 

Kinda like gotcha lol!

Thank you so much- I have seen that Dr. Tart speaking on consciousness before on video but only made the connection when you sent that article.

Something is SOO gratifying about reading his article and seeing that connection spoken about from a slightly different perspective.

☺

[Forestluv]

This journal is a bowl full of awesome. Thank you for sharing it with us. I just watched your lastest video and it helped pause my habitual thinking and opened me up. 

I liked how you explained how many of us integrate just enough to get by and survive. My mind likes to think “integration” means integrating ideas, concepts and theories. I guess that’s part of it. Yet, I like how you talked about integrating different fragments of mind and body. Integrating different facets of beingness - like our waking life and sleeping life. And allowing ourselves to explore things we are truly interested in, rather than limiting ourselves to a role we think we are supposed to play.

For me, I developed a strong character as a scientist and I played that role wherever I went. Over the last few years,  I’m realizing I’m not that interested in science and I’ve had to give myself permission to explore other areas. There are so many fascinating things in life and I’m realizing how misaligned I’d been. 

For example, I’ve always avoided yoga because I told myself I’m too inflexible, I have poor balance and it feels awkward to me. Yet, I allowed myself to genuinely try it and I’ve fallen in love. I’ve now reached an intermediate level and a whole new world of mind, body and spirit integration has opened up. 

Your video was like a deep breath of fresh air ? 

[Karla]

@Serotoninluv I like that, bowl of awesome ha ha and thanks!

Soo funny I totally had the "I'm too inflexible for yoga" idea for awhile too but then I realized yoga would actually help that lol.?

I saw on one of your posts that you were exploring art-- pretty excitinggg! Love that you are gifting yourself with that space to explore.❤

[Karla]

Day 6 of 365!

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”

-Rumi

I talked about some of my current cognitive dissonance and how it relates to preserving a reputation/ an outdated persona.

Whenever my thoughts linger around my commitments not followed through I feel like a lump. 

I went ahead and made a commitment, (even though it’s not even hard) so I can keep moving forward and into alignment.

Here’s the vid for today... quicki just like this post because I am sleep-typing at the moment.

 

[Destiny]

I was doing these too for a while!  I really believe they would work if you are consistent.  They are so much work to do so I got lazy, I want to try it again.

[Karla]

@Destiny yesss try again-- maybe the same time everyday before brushing your teeth or after. It's been eye opening.

It forces you to be úber aware of your thoughts/ actions in a weird way. For me, I cant keep doing some things that are way out of alignment with what I know to be true.

Great way to increse self esteem-- be more conscious of self, of course. The sentence stems allow that on repeat.

Keep me posted. I just started! It's only been a few weeks really. 

[Karla]

I feel like Dame Dash said some good stuff about being solid within himself & having an internal code of “ethics”! Both a huge aid in his success. He also values experience over money, which seems like an evolved view of success in comparison to what we see celebrated normally.

Even his ideas of what he wanted to do next seemed a bit evolved (use more of his brain power), however he might be looking in the wrong direction (outside of himself). Definitely coming back to him as an example of full expression.

The best rappers and hip hop artists are very well expressed— my favorite thing. They are usually great examples of internal solidarity/ connectedness/ internal Wholeness. They give zero fucks. Looks like confidence, really it’s wholeness/ self love.

Main message distilled from Dame Dash- Do YOU, follow your gut, marry yourself. He is an interesting example/ manifestation of this way of living.

Our schizophrenic society did not dictate his life.

I also LOVE the specific example he gave around “perspective” —so true. Whether something is good or bad, ultimately we decide how it effect us and our behavior. So clear and shiny.

 

[Karla]

7/365

Super late and ugh just kinda off right before and after my videos argh.

I think I did too much research late in the day... Perhaps.

Working on my speech/ core message and going back and forth on what I reeeally want to be focused on with them. 

Thinking of connecting cognitive dissonance & power leaks as it relates to entrepreneur health and performance. Meh.

 

[Karla]

Ooh YouTube was looking out for me because this old Leo vid was in my feed.

Perfect for right now. ? So perfect along with my self esteem research at the moment!

Never even seen this. Love it. Definitely a keeper with this sentence completion stuff.

High quality consciousness realizes there is always plenty of room to grow. Big picture perspective. Long term gains > short term gains?

I was listening this Alan Watts vid earlier... And noticed that this is kinda similar to whay I was expressing in my vid yesterday. 

I am creating a eating in alignment guide and I will incorporate some of these concepts??.

 

 

[Karla]

8/365

I think my biz coach is stage orange and I adore her but omagahhh. What a drag sometimes... like today.

I kinda think I usually end up with an orange coach in biz, maybe I am missing something that intuitively I know I can get from an orange coach. 

I keep feeling like I am certain and move along with things, then she is like no— you’ll need to have a weight loss outcome for that product (like my Aligned Eating)... Such a blower for me. I just had a mini-melt down. I think I’m gonna have to rebel and just deal with the consequences. Just time to fuck some shit up.

I might consider a free weight loss solution since I lost a few pounds after the holidays lol. I just don’t feel excited about it at all.

Howeverrrr, I did do a mind-body video for my other YT channel. It’s posted. Done. Whew, now I can move on. I also got a cute note from a sub saying I was changing the world he he. Gahhh. Love those...

I started a detox challenge with my group today. I actually enjoy doing those he he. When I am eating super clean I just feel like a mofo boss.... Liiiike why don’t I always eat this squeaky clean yo!?

Anyways, my mood was blah yesterday because of PMS I think. So, that makes me feel better about it. I also think my feathers were ruffled after the What is God video Leo posted because I am not meditating or doing yoga regularly... or any of the things.

It felt better today to just admit that I am not as conscious as I’d like to think. Kind of a strange relief to just be where I am and move along.

My sentence completion today felt ? though probably because of the super foods in ma system. Too lit!