Do I enjoy rejecting girls?

[Psychonaut]

I'll give you a little history about me to try to lay out my confusion.

I used to be a nerd and play computer games all the time when I was in school. I didn't socialize and didn't need to. I had 1 or 2 good friends at the same time and that was enough. I masturbated more and more with porn becoming extremer every year. Eventually I masturbated to the most extreme porn while being high. In a sense I overdid it really hard. It has taken years to reduce the frequency and turn the porn and drug usage down. Recently I have actually gotten the point that I don't watch porn anymore. If I masturbate, I do it without any visual stimulation. It was actually a flatmate that motivated me to quit porn all together. I wanted to be as horny as possible when having sex with her. After a few times of having sex my brain seemed to have switched to sex mode and porn makes no sense anymore. It is as if the possibility of masturbating to it is gone. It is just not an option anymore.

I have changed a lot since I have been a part of actualized.org. I do sport, I am well built and lean. I am more charismatic and playful. 

When I go into a club I dance to loose myself completely. I go full out and don't care about anyone or anything. I try to let the music completely fill me. This also has the side effect that I don't care about women. In fact my style of dancing doesn't allow for another person to be in it. It is almost as if I am enjoying being alone too much. It is easier, much much easier if I don't care. In a way I prefer how music makes me feel to how a woman makes me feel. 

I don't drink much in the club, so I notice when girls look at me and smile. I also notice when they come closer to dance with me. I know that they wanted to dance when they leave disappointed and try to get away from me because I ignore them. I get the impression that it feels like a rejection to a girl if she feels that I look at her with interest, but don't engage.

I never had to do anything to get the girls I had sex with. Never had to approach. I never cared enough to do so. On the other hand I wonder if my attitude would change once I started to approach. Once I get a positive experience my mind might switch to approach mode more often. Just like it switched from masturbation/porn mode to sex mode. 

I was in the club yesterday and this girl looks at me multiple times and comes closer. I say hi and eventually get her name. She was good looking, but I still left. I didn't really want to engage. 

I don't know and its probably difficult to tell from what I have written. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or if I am bullshitting myself. 

I am the type of person that waits and waits and waits. When I do martial arts I seldomly attack. I react to the opponent and when he hits me too hard I start moving and attacking. If I don't have to do something, I wait until I have to or the pain of resisting has become unbearable. 

It is a similar situation with girls. I notice that there is interest and all I need to do is open my mouth or turn towards her when dancing. I don't. 

In a sense I am a bit confused in which direction I want to go. I have read many books on sexuality and now I don't know anymore:

• If I follow Alan Roger Currie, I would approach more girls I am attracted in order to have more casual sex with girls.
• Then there is Rollo Tomassi and the "rational male". Have sex with many women and don't engage in exclusive relationships. There is no special girl. -> I am not sure what to make of this tbh.
• If I listen to David Deida I would go for a long term relationship. I could potentially attend more yoga/spiritual events to meet more girls that are more open.
• On the other end there is "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow", which advocates gentle sex without orgasm. I would love to have a girl to try that with, as I enjoy being intimate, the buildup, foreplay and cuddling more than the orgasm. 

So the current state of my attitude towards sex is:

• I don't care about the orgasm. I enjoy the intimate connection, touching and so forth. 
• I only want to orgasm with a girl I care about. For me random girls would be a waste of energy.
• A few months ago I made a "soulmate wishlist". It includes traits like being open, curious, strong feminine core, being interested in me, interested in music, keeping me on edge and creativity. A club might not be the best location to find such a girl.

I hope that someone can at least give me some ideas/advice to help me decide in which direction I should invest my energy 

[universe]

Good that you are making a plan! Start taking matters into your own hands. Dont be reactive, be active.

How have your last relationships been? What is most important to you, what are other goals in your life?

Try to fit everything together as best as possible. Then do it. Dont overthink it too much. You will make mistakes and learn from them.

 

Disclaimer: I didnt read the books you mentioned.

[Consept]

You attitude in terms of not caring about the girls coming up to you is kinda good and it will work to a point, but as soon as a girl feels rejected its over from that point, so you have to balance it, get lost in the music etc but i you see a girl you like come over then definitely talk to her but still keep the attitude of shes detachment, so you want to be fully engaged with her but detached at the same time, which basically means youre enjoying spending time with her but you could leave at any second. 

Also it seems as though youre looking for a 'girlfriend' but i dont think you should necessarily go into anything with that mindset. Clubs traditionally are not the best place to find that but they can be a way to build up your confidence and make you more comfortable striking up conversations with girls. Ive found that its always better to transition from a friend with benefits situation to girlfriend, rather than just girlfriend off the bat or even friend and then girlfriend. So if you really like a girl in a club no harm in seeing her again and just see where it goes, theres no real set rules. You may find dating apps a bit easier as you dont have to deal with all the club stuff and at least youll get one on one time with her

[YaNanNallari]

Didn't read but, if you are afraid of closeness and relationships, you will make the act of rejection an enjoyable one. Just how if one wants to get into a relationship, they will easily paint getting into one a flowered path in their mind

[Waves]

I feel we're in a similar situation.

When I'm in a club I'm also practically sober and try do dance and feel the music, because it's fun and helps me loosen up and open to positive vibes. It's already an accomplishment to be able to reach this state without alcohol. Then, I start telling myself it's time to approach (which shouldn't come so late) and I suddenly become extremely picky: I come up with all sorts of excuses not to approach (classic) and end up talking maybe to a bunch of girls without concluding anything. I'm talking about something like this:

On 1/27/2019 at 11:03 AM, Psychonaut said:

She was good looking, but I still left. I didn't really want to engage.

and this:

On 1/27/2019 at 11:03 AM, Psychonaut said:

I notice that there is interest and all I need to do is open my mouth or turn towards her when dancing. I don't. 

I wonder if in this situation we should lower our standards for girls to at least create a channel where a potential intimate connection can happen. But the underlying emotion is, at least in my case, fear of intimacy/commitment.

On 1/27/2019 at 11:03 AM, Psychonaut said:

I am the type of person that waits and waits and waits

This is exactly the opposite of Proactivity, which I believe is one of the most important principles to follow in life (1st habit of S. Covey's 7 Habits). I am as well guilty of falling in the trap of avoiding responsibility, and it sucks, because you give away all your power.

But this is all overthinking, whereas what we need to do is just act and make shit happen.

I hope I gave you some ideas  

[Psychonaut]

On 1/29/2019 at 8:32 AM, Waves said:

I feel we're in a similar situation.

When I'm in a club I'm also practically sober and try do dance and feel the music, because it's fun and helps me loosen up and open to positive vibes. It's already an accomplishment to be able to reach this state without alcohol. Then, I start telling myself it's time to approach (which shouldn't come so late) and I suddenly become extremely picky: I come up with all sorts of excuses not to approach (classic) and end up talking maybe to a bunch of girls without concluding anything. I'm talking about something like this:

I think the difference between me and you is that I mainly go to the club to have fun and dance. I don't dance to get in a good mood to approach girls. I dance because it's very enjoyable and I can let go.

On 1/29/2019 at 8:32 AM, Waves said:

I wonder if in this situation we should lower our standards for girls to at least create a channel where a potential intimate connection can happen. But the underlying emotion is, at least in my case, fear of intimacy/commitment.

I am getting more into the habit of talking to random people and most of the time I have positive reactions and interesting conversations. I only do it when I feel like I want to say/ask something. But that is better than nothing. At least I don't have to deal with the pain of "what if" that much anymore.

On 1/28/2019 at 0:03 AM, universe said:

Good that you are making a plan! Start taking matters into your own hands. Dont be reactive, be active.

How have your last relationships been? What is most important to you, what are other goals in your life?

Try to fit everything together as best as possible. Then do it. Dont overthink it too much.

My previous relationships were explosive and short lived. They were initiated by the girl and not me.After a while they realized that I truly didn't care about them or anything else. That was usually the end and the start of playing games on their part, which has no real effect on me. Eventually I ignored them. It's sad to what measures they sometimes go to get a reaction, even if they hurt themselves.

I am not 100% sure what I want yet. I have made a list of qualities I am looking for in a girl. The previous ones didn't fit any of the items on the list. I should stop looking past those flaws, instead of being blinded by the "someone likes me feeling".

[Gog]

No shortage of talent - just resources.

[Gog]

Common mister P, isn't Moore's law the solution? We must be DNATICALLY IDENTICAL sort of lol

[Psychonaut]

I don't know what it is. I am in a club right now, again,.... I believe that women are trash. I continue to reject girls. It's extremely obvious. It is so extreme that I will turn my back towards them until they leave on the dancefloor. It is like something sick inside me is saying "not good enough". A girl has to basically beg me for sex. I want her to beg me, it turns me on more than she does. Most girls don't turn me on visually.

I'm not gay either. I would never let a guy dominate me. I don't know what the issue is.

I know I don't trust girls because they have no backbone or integrity. I prefer trustable sources of feminine energy, like music or food. Stuff that doesn't abandon me like a dog. A dog will always love me, a women not. I don't want her. 

The other thing is that I might have an extremely inflated ego, to the point of being narcissistic. I am very good at many things. I can dance, I can cook, I own my shadow, I am comfortable in hell and heaven, im fit to the point that I feel I look better than most girls naked, I know a lot about topics that interest me, I am open minded, it's almost impossible to upset me or control my emotions. I basically feel like I am better at everything than any girl.

Maybe I should go get some help. I just don't know what the issue is. It is so easy to replace female energy, that the motivation to invest into girls is really nonexistent. 

[Leo Gura]

@Psychonaut You are being a pussy and you are full of shit. Go approach those girls! They're not gonna do the work for you, and approaching is always uncomfortable.

The women in clubs are ordinary women. They aren't trash. That's your own mind making up bullshit excuses for why not to approach.

Be very mindful of your self-talk in a club. Do NOT trust it! All of that is pure fear-based excuses.

You will be amazed at the types of sweet and cool girls you'll meet in clubs. Clubs are not for whores or drunks. Ordinary girls go there. Girls are social creatures so they just get dragged along by their friends. If you approach enough girls you will be some great ones in bars and clubs. Girls in bars and clubs are not necessarily regulars. They might be there once a year for a birthday party or bachelorette party or for a work event.

Before holding all these prejudices, go approach 1000 girls in clubs with an open mind. Then approach another 1000 girls in bars. Then approach another 200 girls at the mall. Then compare where the best girls come from based on your direct experience.

P.S. If you go to clubs to enjoy dancing, what do you think the girls are doing? They enjoy dancing more than you! And yet you judge them for it. According to your twisted logic when you go to a club to enjoy dancing, you are not trash, you are better than everyone, but the girl is a trashy whore.

If you're looking for a dog, go to the pet store.

Frankly, with your rotten attitude you don't even deserve a trashy girl. Stop acting like you're too cool for school.

[Shadowraix]

2 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

I know I don't trust girls because they have no backbone or integrity. I prefer trustable sources of feminine energy, like music or food. Stuff that doesn't abandon me like a dog. A dog will always love me, a women not. I don't want her. 

Sounds like you are scared of getting abandoned and so you close others out and fall back on yourself. You hold others as too unreliable and untrustable.

[Rilles]

3 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

I don't know what it is. I am in a club right now, again,.... I believe that women are trash. I continue to reject girls. It's extremely obvious. It is so extreme that I will turn my back towards them until they leave on the dancefloor. It is like something sick inside me is saying "not good enough". A girl has to basically beg me for sex. I want her to beg me, it turns me on more than she does. Most girls don't turn me on visually.

I'm not gay either. I would never let a guy dominate me. I don't know what the issue is.

I know I don't trust girls because they have no backbone or integrity. I prefer trustable sources of feminine energy, like music or food. Stuff that doesn't abandon me like a dog. A dog will always love me, a women not. I don't want her. 

The other thing is that I might have an extremely inflated ego, to the point of being narcissistic. I am very good at many things. I can dance, I can cook, I own my shadow, I am comfortable in hell and heaven, im fit to the point that I feel I look better than most girls naked, I know a lot about topics that interest me, I am open minded, it's almost impossible to upset me or control my emotions. I basically feel like I am better at everything than any girl.

Maybe I should go get some help. I just don't know what the issue is. It is so easy to replace female energy, that the motivation to invest into girls is really nonexistent. 

Youre a narcissist. Get some therapy.

 

Edited February 17, 2019 by Rilles