A colorful journey

[Marinus]

Again I type a random post about how my day went. I studied for 125 minutes. I made two Youtube videos that will be online in 2 weeks. It was fun to make them. It has been a while. I notice that my talking skills have increased. I say less often uhm etc. I had urges again to watch tv, but didn't act on them. At the moment my "Leo's vegetable soup" is boiling in the kitchen .

The reason I'm typing this now is because I feel bored at the moment. This day was somewhat of a productive victory, but it feels empty, like everything else in life. The last months I'm getting more aware about feeling empty. Everything is like an Easter egg with different patterns, but when you break it open there is nothing in there. It's all hollow.  Sometimes it feels like literally nothing has changed I mean LITERALLY. Like a mind that crates fantasies. The fantasies are different, but the mind that creates them is always the same. 

I had two dates last week with a very nice girl that I do like. With her I also had the same sense of her being the same as other girls I had spent time with. So strange she felt like the same person as other girls. Maybe this all a reflection of what I tried to describe before.

A couple of days ago I had an amazing experience. This was the first time that I experienced astral projection while being able to see! It was amazing I could see through my hands! like a ghost. Now I'm confident that my amazing dream related powers can be activated in my "limbo fase". Whenever I take a nap when I'm incredibly tired around 4 in the afternoon I can get directly into the dream state. This is when the magic happens. Also when I'm very sleep deprived, but that's not very healthy. 

 

@Nahm @ajasatya maybe you two understand what I describe in GREEN and BROWN

[RendHeaven]

8 minutes ago, Marinus said:

The reason I'm typing this now is because I feel bored at the moment. This day was somewhat of a productive victory, but it feels empty, like everything else in life. The last months I'm getting more aware about feeling empty. Everything is like an Easter egg with different patterns, but when you break it open there is nothing in there. It's all hollow.  Sometimes it feels like literally nothing has changed I mean LITERALLY. Like a mind that crates fantasies. The fantasies are different, but the mind that creates them is always the same. 

Going through this myself.

Learn to love it, haha (literally).

It's absolutely central to life. There's no getting rid of it, though you can try to ignore it.

Key word: try

Be curious. Wonder, "why empty?"

It's not an accident that we feel this way.

[Marinus]

@RendHeaven Maybe we are spiritual brothers if have so much in common .

[Nahm]

@Marinus Yes, have you made a dream board? All birds, one stone. 

[Marinus]

I love it!

[ajasatya]

@Marinus Carpe Diem!

Make Life tasty.

[Marinus]

I made a new YouTube banner. I like make things like this. It's really fun!

For people who wonder what I use, It's called canva, it's free. I also use this for my thumbnails. 

[RendHeaven]

@Marinus I have this sneaking suspicion that you're mirroring Leo...

[Marinus]

@RendHeaven you mean the photo? That was coincidence, maybe I need to make another one. Or do you mean my  may of talking in the videos? 

[RendHeaven]

I mean the photo haha

[Marinus]

@RendHeaven It is a photo I used for a video which is planned to release next week. For a new video I'll try to make a better one I can use in my banner. I don't want to be a Leo rip off. 

[Marinus]

Attempting to change my life number +- 18

The last months have been grey rather than colorful, so yet again I attempt to make my live amazing. One of my strengths is that whatever happens I always start over with a morning routine + more wisdom than the previous attempt.

 

My plan:

It's based on Brian Tracy's method. 

• A = Most important, I choose to do this until I die and their is no excuse in existence to hold me back (except coma).
• B= Highly important morning routine to kick start my day.
• C= Highly important. This is the minimum, more studying =bonus.
• D = Important. This will be a new experiment. I will reflect on how it went and make time to be proud of my achievements.

This will work. I have done it before, but this time I added new things. When I complete this list It won't even be afternoon. My day will be a victory when I have most of it left. Next Friday i will go to my doctor to talk about my depression. It is time to really help myself and i won't have to do this alone. This time I have more reasons to work hard on myself. I want to bring value in peoples life hence my YouTube channel, but I can't help if I don't move forward.

Currently I have to use my phone to time everything which isn't smart, but I will find a way to replace my phone with timers.

 

 

[Marinus]

My best possible self

At the end of college.

Personal domain

Think of goals you would like to attain on the personal level (e.g. physical and psychological skills and developments).

• In the future I will be able to do at least 30 finger push ups.
• In the future I will weigh 80 kg.
• In the future I will be disciplined.
• In the future I will be proud of my self-actualization work.
• In the future I will feel more comfortable with who I am.

Professional domain

Think of goals you would like to attain on the professional/work related level (e.g. position, accomplishments, level of expertise, but also occupation and skills, etc.).

• In the future I will have at least a 100 YouTube subscribers.
• In the future I will graduate TP.
• In the future I will pass all exams in one try.
• In the future I will have produced at least have 70 videos.

Relational domain

Think of goals you would like to attain on the relational level (e.g. relations and contacts with loved ones, friends, colleagues, but also joint activities etc. in your social life).

• In the future I will be in a romantic relationship.
• In the future I will have experienced going out at least 10 times with friends.
• In the future I will have at least 2 new friends from my college life.

 

Alright I wrote down my Best possible self which I will have embodying at the end of college which will be in about a year. Every morning this month for 5 minutes I will visualize what I wrote down. I expect this to change. The most important thing is to focus on what you want instead of what you don't want.

[Marinus]

Attempting to change my life number +- 18

I managed to complete two A & B sessions, but now I'm back to only meditation.

It feels like am keeping myself from growing. Everything feels so empty, boring and difficult. Currently I try to fill my void with coffee, alcohol, porn, social media and entertainment. Within 3 days my retake exams are coming up and it's so hard to focus on studying. I dated a girl 3 times and we seemed to get along, but now she doesn't want to take things further, because she has her own issues to deal with (unless she lies). It felt like I found a star in my darkness, but I was mistaken. I do know that eventually even if I have a girlfriend, the void will remain.

I finally took some serious action and I went to my doctor. I told him I think I have depression. He told me I probably don't have depression I'm rather in the beginning phase (for 5 years or more already). I do suffer however from waking up a lot when sleeping,intense stressful dreams, lack of energy,lack of concentration and not feeling satisfied with anything. I got a referral paper to go to a psychologist. I can't do this alone anymore it's to painful and hard to help myself. I want to self actualize,but it feels impossible if I don't seek out help. I really want to think and feel that life is amazing, beautiful and a gift instead of these dark feelings. Currently I even look like crap when having slept 9 hours. Life is ticking a way day by day and I will regret wasting it feeling like shit.

 

 

[Marinus]

New video!

It has been a while since I uploaded a video. I will have more time to make them, because unfortunately I didn't pass all my exams, I have to study a year longer now, but with less pressure.