the loneliness of being (suicidal)

[UNZARI]

im 17 years old still a senior in highschool. earlier in the year i tried to commit suicide and was diagnosed with bipolar. last night i smoked some weed for the first time in a while and had an awakening to my own being, i questioned "what is this being?"

for a while now ive been losing friends, and i deactivated all my social media for around 2 weeks now. I have my girlfriend and my best friend, both of which happen to be into spirtuality. However my girlfriend has been annoyed with my seemingly "lack of drive" for life, and lately when we talk theres a negative vibe. I just told her were on a break for a week. My best friend and i are always chill and lowkey so hes here when im ready to talk. 

All i can feel is existential loneliness. Its beautiful and peaceful at times but also depressing. Everything was just a story.

When i go home no one takes intrest in me unless they want to yell at me or tell me something about themselves. When i go to school at this point no one cares about me. Even the relationship with my girlfriend has been hard because i am dysfunctional during sex and even though shes been very supportive, i cant help but feel like i just let her down. Like ive let everyone down.

And the way she feels about this "lack of drive' gives me the impression that if the only person i love cant accept me for who i am in the moment-

then whats the point? 

 

any advice?

[Nahm]

You need to express yourself, a lot. It might take a while, but it will work, you’ll begin to feel much better. Therapy? Your friend? Any form of art will do, poetry, drawing, singing, painting, etc. Doesn’t matter how “good” you are at it, the experience of expression, opening up a little, is what helps. You can pm me anytime, don’t hesitate. I was suicidal when I was around your age. I know it can seem like it can’t get better or things won’t change, but that’s just a perspective. You will change, situations will change, life will get easier. 

You don’t need any one to accept you. You can accept and love yourself. I have love for you, and I don’t even know you. 

I think you’ve been carrying a lot of mental weight, for a long time. You probably dont realize it, and feel lost because you don’t realize you are carrying the weight. It could also be the case that you live with or spend a lot of time around someone who is just negative and has a negative perspective, and that may have ‘rubbed off on you’ for so long, that you aren’t recognizing it. 

Again, I was ‘there’. I was diagnosed as manic depressive. But I found there is no depression, without thinking depressive thoughts, and holding depressing perspectives. You get used to them, and don’t realize your perspectives are depressing - you get used to it, and actually think your view is accurate, realistic. It’s not.  The feeling of depression, is what you should take as the only sign you need to get clued in that the depressive perspectives are not true. 

The depression you feel is the product of two ‘things’:    You (Truth / Love), and the perspectives you’re holding. 

The Truth / Love (you) is and will only ever be, The Truth / Love. 

So, you must listen to The Truth / Love (you) and begin to change perspectives.

Stop being stubborn.

Take great comfort in saying to yourself and out loud, “I don’t know”. 

Again, pm me anytime.

You will feel better, I promise. Hang in there man. 

 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

First, I don’t recommend you smoke weed again. It’s not for everyone... 

Second, from your description, you seem to suffer from depression. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist? 

13 hours ago, UNZARI said:

My best friend and i are always chill and lowkey so hes here when im ready to talk. 

Good. Try to expand this vibe to other areas of your life. Light & easy.