Frustrated when girlfriend doesn't want sex

[LordFall]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. It's my first serious relationship as before I was kind of a FA/Incel type before I got into self-development and pickup so a lot of this is new to me. 

We've had our ups and downs but generally up and it's been a huge growing experience. The biggest issue seems to revolve around sex and it's frequency. After watching Leo's videos I take a lot of pleasure with sex and improving my skills in it and it's always a good experience. Until she's not in the mood repeatedly and we don't have it for a while and it brings out a lot of frustration and anger in me. 

I try to meditate on it and think about it rationally but I still get vivid emotional responses that scare me at times. It's like I've been without sex for so long before this that I have trouble going without it now. Especially when we have a good day together and it seems like sex is for granted and then she says she's tired and it seems like it's out of my hands totally. As a man, I like having things to improve on so if she said she would like a message to get in the mood or to up my physical escalation game I would have no issues but she doesn't give me much to go on. 

I've asked this question on Reddit before but I'm very interested in what this forum will think. Any perspective would be helpful.

[Average Investor]

Try to get her aroused opposed to just asking for sex. Or start a conversation about sex without directly asking for it. 

[LordFall]

@Average Investor I try to do that already by being more physical instead of verbal i.e. making out, caressing her, grabbing her legs and slowly moving up, etc and it works sometimes and sometimes not. Any other thoughts? 

[universe]

53 minutes ago, LordFall said:

Especially when we have a good day together and it seems like sex is for granted

Here is were it all starts. You have expectations and these expectations are not in line with reality. These are always relationship issues. Everyone has them and at the core they are all more or less the same.

There is something inside of you thats hurt, thats fearful. She is triggering it. Be grateful for that because she shows you directly were you can do some inner work. (Releasing, emotional work)

If you dont grow in this area it will always come back to you in some form or another. You can not hide from it.

 

Practise acceptance and letting go.

A good women will trigger the shit out of you. Cherish this.

Edited January 23, 2019 by universe

[Average Investor]

@LordFall To be fair, at the beginning of my last relationship we had sex 3 times a day pretty often and it started to dwindle on interest for both of us over the years. Just take it slow and maybe even try to let her initiate. 

[LordFall]

@universe Thank you, that sounds very accurate. Every time she does I feel like I'm not enough and I'm not attracting her and I need to go to the gym, be more of a man, etc. 

A lot of Leo's videos touch on this but do you have one in particular or stuff I can look up to reflect on this further? 

[Leo Gura]

@LordFall Some girls have hormonal issues and just low sex drive.

Perhaps find yourself a girl with a higher sex drive. They do exist.

Although in the end whether you do or don't, it won't solve any of your issues and you will still be unhappy. Sex solves nothing.

[Shadowraix]

Sounds like you should be having sex less instead of trying to give into your desire everytime it appears. Be content with just being horny. Or else you'll become a slave to your sex drive. 

Sounds like you have some kind of victim or pessimist complex since you jump to degrading yourself when she doesn't want sex. 

[Nahm]

@LordFall Seems like your frustration is with the relationship, but it’s with your attachment to something to be happy. It’s because you think you need it that you’re frustrated. When you get the frustration, inquire into the I that is frustrated, you will see that each time you do this the suffering will disappear quicker.

Paradoxically, when you don’t need it to be happy (genuinely, not spitefully), she’ll be quite attracted. She might then become more aware of the inconsistency of her own happiness. If she does some work on it, she might discover connections like self worth or body image issues, and the low sex drive. 

Also, don’t overlook the simplicity of talking to eachother about it and expressing your emotions. Emotional suppression and blockage is a sex drive killer for woman that men often find it hard to relate to and understand - but if you do there’s a lot of growth in it for you.

[Emerald]

@LordFall If she's like me, then she may just not want sex that often.

For me, sex as an experience has consistently been 1/3 mild pleasure, 1/3 chore, and 1/3 discomfort all bundled together. So, I actually have to be really in the mood to want it because it's kind of 'meh' most of the time, to be honest. It's kind of equivalent to getting a semi-painful back massage while washing the dishes. So, it usually kind of feels like a thing that I do for my husband, even though I would really like to enjoy sex. 

Funny enough, though, I do have a high sex drive and think about sex often. The problem is that it actually feels more pleasurable to think about it rather than have it, as I can focus on the pleasurable emotions more than the physicality. Also, I can enjoy the performance aspect of sex if I really want to wow a guy in a new relationship and the heat of that kind of experience. But with a long-term partner, the heat isn't really there by design as those hormones go away after the first 3 months. And this isn't a reflection of my partner because this has been consistent across all of my sexual experiences. Sex is just okay unless there is the novelty of new romance and the really intense feelings of wanting to be close to that person. But it can also be nice if a my partner is really loving toward me and it feels like a natural outgrowth of that... but the physicality of the experience is still not really that pleasurable. 

So, I know that for me, my motivation to have sex is very emotionally rooted. So, the physicality of sex is so mediocre that I have to feel certain emotions to really want to. And those emotions are just more difficult to conjur in a long term relationship. But if I do have those erotic emotions, I will have a great time even if the physical experience is meh as usual and I will just be glad that I'm close to him and giving him pleasure.

Now, I'm not saying that your partner is like this. But I am saying it's a possibility, and that I suspect that a lot of women are. And if so, it's not a reflection on you or your desirability. It's just the way that sex is for a lot of women as the physicality of it is only the secondary thing, and if the emotional component isn't there it just feels a bit like a chore. Imagine if you could only ever experience mild pleasure from sex and you'd have to work and feel uncomfortable while doing it. It just wouldn't have the same kind of pull over you and you'd probably want to do it less. 

So, you can probably try to do things that make her feel loved and excited and put her in an erotic state of mind in general. But it feels like a chore if a woman knows a man expects it, which kills the eroticism and makes it very chore-like. And if it feels like a man just wants sex and doesn't really want me in particular, then it also makes it feel a lot more like a chore because I just feel like I'm helping him out instead of having a real connection.

Also, is she having any orgasms? If not, this can also be a reason for not wanting sex that much.

 

[Forestluv]

@LordFall I was in a similiar relationship and know how frustrating it is. I’ve also been on the flip side with someone who had a much higher sex drive. 

There is an imbalance in the relationship  and I don’t think trying to raise her sex drive will help the dynamic. That would mean you see her as having the problem that needs fixing. Rather, this is a coupled dynamic of both of you. Things like giving her a massage or cooking her dinner with an underlying agenda and expectation of sex cones across as disingenuous in the long run. 

If you like this gal as a person, I would focus on appreciating spending time with her. I would start seeing her as both friend and lover and focus more on deepening the friend dynamic. Learn more about her, share more of yourself. Appreciate laughing together, sharing deeper parts of yourself together, growing together. I’d also share your emotions anout this with her, yet not with the intention to try to get her to give more sex to meet your desires. 

During sex, I would shift the focus on giving her pleasure and less on receiving pleasure. I would do my best to bring her to orgasm before intercourse. Afterwards, I would get in tune with whether she is physically and emotionally content.  I ask sometimes. I would place her pleasure and satisfaction over my own. Giving her pleasure can become a real turn on, at least for me. 

This assumes you like her a lot outside of sex and your sex drives are in the same ballpark. If you are at a 9/10 level and she is 2/10, it’s a really big gap. Yet, if you are like 8/10 and she is 4/10 she would likely meet you at 5/10. 

[Michael569]

12 hours ago, Emerald said:

It's kind of equivalent to getting a semi-painful back massage while washing the dishes

damn! I mean...ofcourse after some time the excitement and horniness goes away in the relationship and reason comes back in play but there should be a spark of enjoyable sex every now and then? 

 

Edited January 23, 2019 by Michael569

[Emerald]

10 minutes ago, Michael569 said:

damn! I mean...ofcourse after some time the excitement and horniness goes away in the relationship and reason comes back in play but there should be a spark of enjoyable sex every now and then? 

 

I'm not saying it's never enjoyable. But the enjoyment is always quite mild compared to the other factors. So, it's kind of like a hassle and an enjoyment at the same time. It's sort of like eating walnuts but also having to exert a lot of effort to crack the shell open and dig them out and having sore hands. And then only being able to eat one small chunk of walnut at a time, even with all the work you're exerting. And then, with eating walnuts only being a mild enjoyment at best.

So, for me, sex has never been stellar as I just don't really see how it even could be that great in actuality, even though I do always get my hopes up about it. The idea and emotions related to sex are amazing, but the act itself just feels okay and like it's just body parts rubbing together... in a way that for me feels almost like friction against any other place on the body.

But if I have a strong positive emotional response, it feels very desirable and worthwhile to engage in as it's giving me something and I'm feeling something that's worth the discomfort. But this is difficult to conjure with a long-term partner. 

[F A B]

13 hours ago, Emerald said:

But with a long-term partner, the heat isn't really there by design as those hormones go away after the first 3 months.

I'm really curious about this statement. Does it happen every time? Is there a way to avoid that? Could the spark reignite? How?

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, F A B said:

I'm really curious about this statement. Does it happen every time? Is there a way to avoid that? Could the spark reignite? How?

I know that I haven't really had a lot of luck with this. I've been in two long-term relationships and the heat has gone away both times. Plus, they did studies on this phenomenon and found that the neuro-chemicals present in the initial attraction phase go away after about three months and oxytocin comes in its place to strengthen the bond and make the love deeper but also much more cooled down. So, I suspect that it's always going to be a sacrifice of one or the other, you can either have a hot and passionate attraction or a deep and mellow love... but never both at once.

But even if those initial feelings will always go away, you can facilitate a pleasant sexual interaction with a long-term partner if you facilitate a good experience and put her in an erotic mindset. So, this would enable a better and more loving experience, even if it isn't super heated.

[F A B]

47 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I know that I haven't really had a lot of luck with this. I've been in two long-term relationships and the heat has gone away both times. Plus, they did studies on this phenomenon and found that the neuro-chemicals present in the initial attraction phase go away after about three months and oxytocin comes in its place to strengthen the bond and make the love deeper but also much more cooled down. So, I suspect that it's always going to be a sacrifice of one or the other, you can either have a hot and passionate attraction or a deep and mellow love... but never both at once.

But even if those initial feelings will always go away, you can facilitate a pleasant sexual interaction with a long-term partner if you facilitate a good experience and put her in an erotic mindset. So, this would enable a better and more loving experience, even if it isn't super heated.

I'm quite shocked, my first serious relationship ended because of "the heat faded away". I loved her so much, I blamed myself, I thought it was my fault, but now I'm realizing that it's inevitable. Now I'm realizing that we are still young and probably our lack of experience led to the breakup. 

But I guess this "heat faded away" is something she must experience, something she must realize with other guys different than me, right? 

 

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, F A B said:

I'm quite shocked, my first serious relationship ended because of "the heat faded away". I loved her so much, I blamed myself, I thought it was my fault, but now I'm realizing that it's inevitable. Now I'm realizing that we are still young and probably our lack of experience led to the breakup. 

But I guess this "heat faded away" is something she must experience, something she must realize with other guys different than me, right? 

Yes. It's definitely a natural phenomenon based in body chemistry. 

People tend to ascribe magical qualities to those initial feelings within a relationship, but the fireworks aren't the mark of a deep relationship, they're simply the mark of a new relationship. They are like a heat that fuses the two new lovers together, then the heat cools and the relationship grows more like a friendship in a steady way.

But since people don't realize that this is natural, they think that because the heat goes away that "That person must not have been the one." But that's just the way things are. 

This is why a relationship based only in lust is doomed to fail. That shiny newness is designed to fade no matter what. 

[Forestluv]

It seems sometimes the sexual excitement can fade as it becomes more ordinary. Yet, also dynamics can change. For example, a couple may be having fun dating with low expectations and then one person starts talking serious commitment like marriage, which can alter the dynamics.

[F A B]

9 hours ago, Emerald said:

But since people don't realize that this is natural, they think that because the heat goes away that "That person must not have been the one." But that's just the way things are.

EXACTLY what happened to me! 

 

9 hours ago, Emerald said:

This is why a relationship based only in lust is doomed to fail.

It's me again! 

It was all great for 4 months but then, at her first sign of coldness, we broked up.

I'm relieved now, thank you @Emerald

Edited January 24, 2019 by F A B

[OneWithAll]

You should ask, why do you desire such an act with an unconscious being? Sex is not a requirement for Being.