Enlightenment or freaking out

[andyjohnsonman]

Tonight i smoked weed for the first time in a year. After taking magic mushrooms i felt smoking would be fine. Today also coincided with me refreshing my kriya yoga practice which i feel gave me more mindfulness throughout the day. I know I am more present when i can feel my breathing in every day to day activities. I got very stoned and became aware of my thoughts and began to ask what I am. It became completely clear to me that I am not my thoughts and that I am the awareness. I became aware of that thought too which led to my ego panicking and my heart pounding extremely fast like it was under existential threat. My ego told me to get a grip on reality and that this investigation is too dangerous. It felt like there were deeper levels to self enquiry and every layer has an ego trap which can be transcended and the deeper you go the more dangerous it becomes for survival. Is this just more fairytale? Has this ever happened to anyone before and what exactly does it mean? Was I close to transcending the self, was i deluded?, did i just freak out from smoking too much? Was it ego backlash from restarting kriya yoga?

[TheAvatarState]

39 minutes ago, andyjohnsonman said:

It became completely clear to me that I am not my thoughts and that I am the awareness. I became aware of that thought too which led to my ego panicking and my heart pounding extremely fast like it was under existential threat. My ego told me to get a grip on reality and that this investigation is too dangerous. It felt like there were deeper levels to self enquiry and every layer has an ego trap which can be transcended and the deeper you go the more dangerous it becomes for survival.

Could any question, no matter what it was, be harmful if investigated honestly? Questions ONLY get you closer to Truth, as it must be! If that wasn't the case, then would what you're pursuing really be Truth?

What you felt was normal+. Your ego understands intuitively that this self-inquiry would lead to the death of itself. You understand this. From the ego's perspective, yeah, that is a very bad thing! But your ego is not truth, as its main purpose is to surround you in a bubble of deceit to maintain the illusion of your separate self. You cracked the bubble enough to get a sense for the first time that you're actually in a bubble, and this knowledge alone will make you feel like you're dying, because you've been led to believe that YOU ARE this bubble.

Understand that following this line of inquiry will literally lead to your death.

Also understand that this will be the greatest thing you'll ever experience. We're talking about enlightenment here. You cannot stay YOU if you want to transcend YOU.

Good luck!

[andyjohnsonman]

Yea thanks. I got the feeling that I was going to die if pursued further. I didn't have the courage to continue the pursuit as my ego hit me hard with raising my heart. It gave me the sense that I would lose everything and dying is not something you want and therefore gained control back. I don't think i could ever gain enlightenment because if this is the final hurdle which i'm not sure it is it could just be a layer to further understanding the ego cracks down on my truth seeking in a massive way. It could just be the weed tho cos i don't seem to have this problem with mushrooms.

[cetus]

6 hours ago, andyjohnsonman said:

 I got the feeling that I was going to die if pursued further.

 @andyjohnsonman That's when the breakthroughs happen. You missed the bus dude. It pulled up right in front of you and you didn't get on. Now your stuck in Egosville.

I jest but in a way that's how it is. But don't feel bad, your not the only one who backed off at the sight of ego death. You can see now why it's called The Hero's Journey.

[Shadowraix]

I've had similar scares of the ego when on intense doses of psychedelics. Even just a taste of dmt instilled fear into the ego because it was on the brink of death. 

The growth by overcoming those fears is kind of like a reward don't you think? 

[Jkris]

Death is nothing to be afraid of. Daily we experience death ie sleep. The conciousness will disappear just like that in flip of a moment. It reappears again and that's the waking state we experience. So nothing to be afraid of.