Eternal suffering: Dethroned and uncrowned

[ivankiss]

This content is about pain and loss. It is about one's neverending cycle of suffering. It is about emptyness and meaninglessness; but from a different angle than this forum is used to. It is about eternal solitude and stillness.

 

"You will never rest; until the stars burn out

I love the sound of no one coming by"

 

The brighter you shine; the darker your shadow gets. - A conclusion I made a while ago. 

I do not avoid suffering. This whole journey of mine could be labeled as pure suffering. I was on the move since I know myself; roaming, wandering. I always felt like there was something more to this life. Something beautiful and meaningful. Something that is worth living for. The search was inevitable.

I was chasing a dream for my whole life, not realizing; I was the dream. There is nowhere to go. Nothing to achieve. The story I have been telling myself this whole time is completely insignificant. And I thought it was somehow special and unique; naively.

Seeing others being alright with living in a loop until they decompose and die, made me proud of myself to have big, wild dreams. To have faith in myself. Passion. Fire. The driving force. A strong sense of purpose. All those things everyone around me seemed to be lacking. Ever since I was a child.

I did not understand why would someone live a life and not shoot for the stars. How could you settle down for less? How could you not give your best shot at having an amazing life experience? Create memories that are unlike any other? How could you leave life behind without getting the most out of it? Is this not your one and only chance?

It just never made sense to me.

Nowdays; all things seem different. Turns out; the highest meaning of them all, which I was all about my entire life, is that there is no meaning at all. It absolutely doesn't matter what you do with your life. How high you aim. How much you accomplish. How ambitious you are. How grand your visions are. How deeply you love. How genuinely you laugh. How innocently you cry. 

No one will ever hear you. 

I migh as well be pure mist. My actions are forgotten sooner than they appear to happen. The spark within shines eternaly for itself only. It is unseen. Unrecognized. No eyes were ever born outside of it to see.

 

"One of these days, hours pass but the night stays

When your spirit won't turn anew

The world shuts down with no goodbye to undo you"

 

Every step I ever made led me here. Exactly where I begun. I came from nothing; nothing ends my search. If I am to be frozen in time; I might as well turn off the light.

Why did I dream of beauty and meaning in a dream which is meaningless and insignificant?

What else could cause more pain? 

Turns out; one's suffuring is one's own, only.

Nothing outside; nothing inside. No sides at all.

 

"Our's is not to question the reasons why

Crippled indecision repeats the path I once denied
Insignificant, am I?"

 

I am 24 years old and I died before I died. Before I trully lived at all; to be honest. Which kinda makes everything seem both miraculous and utterly insane. It's the most sick and twisted thing one could possibly come up with. I can see how it can be funny though; from a point of no meaning.

Maybe throwing your life away is supposed to be easy. Maybe smashing the dream down to pieces is supposed to be an effortless task. If so; I guess I'm just not that lucky. I guess I got way too attached to meaning and beauty. Purpose. Existence. Life. Love.

 

I created the story to distract myself from noticing the emptyness. There is no one home. There is no home, no isness. Isness is the part of the story. It is there where it exists, and there only.

I may be called many names. But there is no one there to name in actuality. I may be awareness, yes. But there would be no awareness if there was no one there to be aware of. One is not aware of itself. There is no awareness in the absolute. No movement. No light. There is even no nothing.

Why the hell would I reach these understandings in this lifetime at this age? Is the dream really supposed to be just cut in the middle of the storyline? How is that not pure cruelty? What kind of a creator does that to his own creation?

Right... There is no one there to be cruel or experience any cruelty. No Creator.

 

Working so hard and believing so deeply in this dream is what made me realize; It is all for nothing.

A common eye might see pesimism or signs of depression in my expression. Heck even suicidal tendencies. 

But this is way beyond all those. Yet it does not exclude them. It might be labeled as "the collective pain", and when imbodied; it is breath-takingly overwhelming. The skies cry and the wind is wheeping. Silence swallows it all.

I said my goodbyes many times. Time is my only opportunity to do just that. It would be nice to remember; be remembered...

But I guess that's just a dream.

 

Suffer no longer, my dear child. The hearth is burning not knowing fire. Fall asleep by the sound of the beat.

All lights are out.

 

"Breathing, lifeless

Be not afraid to die

Breath in, life's less

You're afraid not to live"

 

(this topic was partaly inspired by Katatonia's amazing album "dethroned and uncrowned". The quotes in this post are some of my favorite lines)

 

The line must be kept so thin; to live near life - not within.

 

 

I would highly recommend you to listen to the entire album ( acoustic version ) in times of pain and solitude. It has an amazingly deep healing effect. As well as some solid wisdom.

It is one of the saddest, yet most beautiful and meaningful piece of music I ever heard.

 

Suffer consciously. Cure.

Edited January 22, 2019 by ivankiss

[ajasatya]

@ivankiss thank you. i sense that those words come from the depths of what i am. the highest mystery has been touched once more.

[Enlightened]

12 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

This content is about pain and loss. It is about one's neverending cycle of suffering. It is about emptyness and meaninglessness; but from a different angle than this forum is used to. It is about eternal solitude and stillness.

 

"You will never rest; until the stars burn out

I love the sound of no one coming by"

 

The brighter you shine; the darker your shadow gets. - A conclusion I made a while ago. 

I do not avoid suffering. This whole journey of mine could be labeled as pure suffering. I was on the move since I know myself; roaming, wandering. I always felt like there was something more to this life. Something beautiful and meaningful. Something that is worth living for. The search was inevitable.

I was chasing a dream for my whole life, not realizing; I was the dream. There is nowhere to go. Nothing to achieve. The story I have been telling myself this whole time is completely insignificant. And I thought it was somehow special and unique; naively.

Seeing others being alright with living in a loop until they decompose and die, made me proud of myself to have big, wild dreams. To have faith in myself. Passion. Fire. The driving force. A strong sense of purpose. All those things everyone around me seemed to be lacking. Ever since I was a child.

I did not understand why would someone live a life and not shoot for the stars. How could you settle down for less? How could you not give your best shot at having an amazing life experience? Create memories that are unlike any other? How could you leave life behind without getting the most out of it? Is this not your one and only chance?

It just never made sense to me.

Nowdays; all things seem different. Turns out; the highest meaning of them all, which I was all about my entire life, is that there is no meaning at all. It absolutely doesn't matter what you do with your life. How high you aim. How much you accomplish. How ambitious you are. How grand your visions are. How deeply you love. How genuinely you laugh. How innocently you cry. 

No one will ever hear you. 

I migh as well be pure mist. My actions are forgotten sooner than they appear to happen. The spark within shines eternaly for itself only. It is unseen. Unrecognized. No eyes were ever born outside of it to see.

 

"One of these days, hours pass but the night stays

When your spirit won't turn anew

The world shuts down with no goodbye to undo you"

 

Every step I ever made led me here. Exactly where I begun. I came from nothing; nothing ends my search. If I am to be frozen in time; I might as well turn off the light.

Why did I dream of beauty and meaning in a dream which is meaningless and insignificant?

What else could cause more pain? 

Turns out; one's suffuring is one's own, only.

Nothing outside; nothing inside. No sides at all.

 

"Our's is not to question the reasons why

Crippled indecision repeats the path I once denied
Insignificant, am I?"

 

I am 24 years old and I died before I died. Which kinda makes everything seem both miraculous and utterly insane. It's the most sick and twisted thing one could possibly come up with. I can see how it can be funny though; from a point of no meaning.

Maybe throwing your life away is supposed to be easy. Maybe smashing the dream down to pieces is supposed to be an effortless task. If so; I guess I'm just not that lucky. I guess I got way too attached to meaning and beauty. Purpose. Existence. Life. Love.

 

I created the story to distract myself from noticing the emptyness. There is no one home. There is no home, no isness. Isness is the part of the story. It is there where it exists, and there only.

I may be called many names. But there is no one there to name in actuality. I may be awareness, yes. But there would be no awareness if there was no one there to be aware of. One is not aware of itself. There is no awareness in the absolute. No movement. No light. There is even no nothing.

Why the hell would I reach these understandings in this lifetime at this age? Is the dream really supposed to be just cut in the middle of the storyline? How is that not pure cruelty? What kind of a creator does that to his own creation?

Right... There is no one there to be cruel or experience any cruelty. No Creator.

 

Working so hard and believing so deeply in this dream is what made me realize; It is all for nothing.

A common eye might see pesimism or signs of depression in my expression. Heck even suicidal tendencies. 

But this is way beyond all those. Yet it does not exclude them. It might be labeled as "the collective pain", and when imbodied; it is breath-takingly overwhelming. The skies cry and the wind is wheeping. Silence swallows it all.

I said my goodbyes many times. Time is my only opportunity to do just that. It would be nice to remember; be remembered...

But I guess that's just a dream.

 

Suffer no longer, my dear child. The hearth is burning not knowing fire. Fall asleep by the sound of the beat.

All lights are out.

 

"Breathing, lifeless

Be not afraid to die

Breath in, life's less

You're afraid not to live"

 

(this topic was partaly inspired by Katatonia's amazing album "dethroned and uncrowned". The quotes in this post are some of my favorite lines)

 

The line must be kept so thin; to live near life - not within.

 

 

I would highly recommend you to listen to the entire album ( acoustic version ) in times of pain and solitude. It has an amazingly deep healing effect. As well as some solid wisdom.

It is one of the saddest, yet most beautiful and meaningful piece of music I ever heard.

 

Suffer consciously. Cure.

ivan! ivan, ivan, ivan.

i can't respond yet. let's let more weigh in. you already know, what you need from me. nothing. lol. i already know. you are like me. almost. so hang in there. let's see what people think. i can get you further than nowhere.

Edited January 21, 2019 by Enlightened

[ivankiss]

@Enlightened I stopped following long ago.

But thanks.

[Enlightened]

2 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Enlightened I stopped following long ago.

But thanks.

What? Then you're leading! Is this all about you teaching then?

Edited January 21, 2019 by Enlightened

[Enlightened]

1 minute ago, Enlightened said:

What? Then you're leading! Is this all about you teaching then?

because then i'll get out of your way.

[ivankiss]

@Enlightened You are not in my way.

The story seems to be telling I am becoming a leader of some sort indeed. But that's just a story 

Thanks for reaching out.

[Shadowraix]

Come a long way in what you've posted ever since your irresponsible psychedelic one. Much love. 

[Enlightened]

35 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Enlightened You are not in my way.

The story seems to be telling I am becoming a leader of some sort indeed. But that's just a story 

Thanks for reaching out.

i see. much clearer now Ivan. may i offer an opinion. this meeting place, is a development area, for gurus only. to share their wisdom. to ease the pain of those that have the luxury. to think. Good luck sir.

[ivankiss]

@Shadowraix Don't judge the book by it's cover; they say 

Progress seems to be occuring fast, indeed.

That trip was a game-changer tho - believe it or not. It was the deffinition of suffering.

Thanks.

Love.

[Anton Rogachevski]

@ivankiss

Thank you dear friend. It came at right time.

[ivankiss]

@Anton Rogachevski Very glad you often resonate, friend.

All the best.

[Arhattobe]

9 hours ago, Enlightened said:

ivan! ivan, ivan, ivan.

i can't respond yet. let's let more weigh in. you already know, what you need from me. nothing. lol. i already know. you are like me. almost. so hang in there. let's see what people think. i can get you further than nowhere.

.... 

[ivankiss]

"Constant noise
Behind the overcoming
I had no choice but to rearrange
The scar is open
I am not allowed to understand
I take it as you're not coming back"

[luckieluuke]

@ivankiss Everything goes in cycles, the pendulum swing will swing back. Destruction is part of creation. Nature is the most vicious thing: everything is set to kill you but it is also the most beautiful and perfect thing.
Everything is and isnt. Don´t worry what you are experiencing, it is a inevitable part of your greater journey, just as your difficult trip was. Don´t worry, let go, sit down and listen.

[Key Elements]

Nice poem. However, you never looked at life from a different perspective. Imagine you just got out of prison after many years because you committed a serious crime. You don't have to imagine; look it up on YouTube. Even Leo has a clip of a supermax prison on his blog.

I saw a woman in prison on YouTube who has committed a serious crime. She looked out of her window of her prison cell and saw a cat walking by surrounded by trees, and smiles. "Life continues," she said to herself, "I look at my situation as temporary." Some prisoners don't even have windows to look at nature, and they go insane.

[ivankiss]

@luckieluuke I know... Thank you.

There are no real difficulties. But everything is righ here and available to be experienced now. Includin deep pain.

I haven't been writing music for a while now. This is my way to express things, temporarily. It is how I coaped with everything since forever. By expressing.

I guess I just fell in love too much with the story. I find it hard to imagine not to keep telling it; living it. It is a perfect story. I cannot unsee the beauty.

I sense everything will turn out just fine though.

Bless

[ivankiss]

@Key Elements That side of the spectrum is the one I naturally prefer, most of the time.

My eyes are always looking to find beauty and meaning; no matter how dark it gets. Circumstances are not what pains me. They are perfect. But when there is no perspective left and no spectrum... It is hard to see meaning in your steps. At times.

The choice still remains; so it seems. I will continue doing what I have been doing for all eternity.

I guess one is supposed to enjoy the ride; not looking back at all.

It was beautiful while it lasted.

[Key Elements]

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

But when there is no perspective left and no spectrum... It is hard to see meaning in your steps. At times.

Well, I'll tell you something. Even the nothingness transforms itself into somethingness. That's why we're here--teaching ourselves a lesson. I don't know why our world happened, and we're all in our egos. However, I do know that nothingness means peace. It doesn't suffer at all. So, while we are in our egos, create something that will trigger some peace in this world in your own way, and see what happens. That is the way to go.

It looks like the nothingness travelled back in time, trying to fix itself, and trying to make a better somethingness to live in.

[ivankiss]

@Key Elements You put that beautifully.

Seems to be the exact matter.

Thank you.

May you be blessed.