I fucked up my life (psychosis). I need to rebuild my life urgently help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Manjushri]

I had a glimpse of enlightenment and now I'm trying to rebuild my life. I had a neurosis that everything I did had to have a purpose , now I see how fake all that is. I don't want to slip into depressed insanity. I need to do something constructive because I'm destroying my life. I was on the verge of suicide last night, but that's too selfish. I don't want to do something "productive" that I actually won't be doing consistently because that would just fuck me up even more - I don't want to be like everyone else, starting something then not finishing it. But I need to do something constructive . I'm in college but my mental state is just too chaotic to study. Please help I'm really desperate everything shattered! And now I have a life ahead of me. What the fuck do I do? 

[Bluebird]

Sort your life out, that seems productive and something you clearly want to do.

Start eating healthy and exercising in some form as a start.

Build your base up, then when you come back down from the glimpses of nonduality you'll love where you're at even more.

[Aaron p]

@Manjushri spiritual work does not require you to neglect any aspect of your physical human life. The ying and the yang need one another and to neglect either would be foolish, the physical and the spiritual. I actually had a bad LSD trip recently and i looked like a fuckin meth adict for 12 hours and i felt like my life was going to shit because of how disconnected i had become as a result of my meditation...but then i realised that enlightenment does not take you away from a human life... in fact it is the ONLY way to experience a truely normal human life. What im trying to say is, if you are losing a grip on your physical life then know that you dont have to. Enlightenment will not destroy your life, it will create it. Try this, start spending time meditating on new areas of life that you wish to embark on...new activities, ways to make money, develop your physical body and your relationship with your family.

 when i miss a day of meditation i feel it strongly knocking at the door. Enlightenment is my only hope, and i like it that way. I like the fact that i am weak without meditation and spirituality...it keeps me focused as FUCK. 2 practical tips for you, dont do psychedelics if you have a predisposition to any mental disorders and also, when you feel an "attack" coming (if you do experience this) just force yourself to question it over and over again saying "who is the one who observes this thing?" (allowing yourself to actually become aware of who it is that is actually observing, not just giving a mental answer). 

Remember, dont just try to "do" new things. you must allow yourself to enter into the new place *in your consciousness* and allow it to saturate your vibrational frequency so it can conceive in your mind...otherwise the growth will be hollow. Learn how to plant seeds of growth deep within your being.

[Cocolove]

sense of humor is crucial

[Matt8800]

On 1/21/2019 at 4:03 AM, Manjushri said:

I had a glimpse of enlightenment and now I'm trying to rebuild my life. I had a neurosis that everything I did had to have a purpose , now I see how fake all that is. I don't want to slip into depressed insanity. I need to do something constructive because I'm destroying my life. I was on the verge of suicide last night, but that's too selfish. I don't want to do something "productive" that I actually won't be doing consistently because that would just fuck me up even more - I don't want to be like everyone else, starting something then not finishing it. But I need to do something constructive . I'm in college but my mental state is just too chaotic to study. Please help I'm really desperate everything shattered! And now I have a life ahead of me. What the fuck do I do? 

You are going through the dark night of the soul. This is normal and natural but you need to take certain steps to get out of it.

Here are a few questions to ponder:

1. Why are "you" attached to purpose?

2. What is the "you" that is attached to purpose?

3. Why does it matter that nothing has purpose?

4. Why does it matter that "you" are bothered that nothing has a purpose?

Your ego is fighting to not be dissolved. Its scary but just have faith in the path and let go. You will no longer exist but your life will open up to freedom and beauty unlike anything you have ever experienced.

"Your" purpose is getting in the way of God's movement. Let go, accept all and surrender. You are getting close...

 

https://alohadharma.com/2011/06/12/the-dark-night/

Edited January 26, 2019 by Matt8800

[Manjushri]

@Matt8800 yes matt but being hospitalized would really get in the way...

[Forestluv]

@Manjushri  You might get some suggestions from the forum, yet keep in mind we are not trained professionals in this area. 

[now is forever]

@Manjushri how far are the exams ahead? can you take a break for a week? trying to get a grip? trying to figure out a solution?

what are you studying by the way? and why do you think it’s not the right purpose anymore?

and how bad exactly would it be to change to another subject/purpose?

you know it’s one of the most difficult decisions we face in our lifes, to have to choose what we want to be for the rest of our lifes without knowing what it entails really doing it then for the rest of it.  our decision often gets influenced by the more „reasonable“ choice. it’s not bad to realize a wrong choice - it’s better realizing it early then late! so really think about it - would it be not a streangth to find out about it more than a weakness?

also you know that the profession can be so different from what you learned in college, maybe you don’t even have to change the subject.

Edited January 26, 2019 by now is forever

[iamnotahumanbeing]

@Manjushri , it seems you have broken out of your once familiar modus operandi (living as though everything you do must have a purpose) and now that you have transcended this way of thinking, you find yourself so free that you are lost. 

Your mission now is to find a new modus operandi. It appears that this is your primary struggle at the moment because ironically, it seems you might be searching for meaning using the familiar frameworks you have outgrown. 

Before, who deemed a thing to be purposeful? Did that judgment come from within you or did it come from others? Maybe it's time to look within you and find what you think is of value to you.

I'd say you were still in peak experience (when you posted) and many questions have now answered themselves.

[MellowEd]

You are doing to many things at once. Take a step back and take it easy. You have all the time in the world. Do you want to finnish your school? if yes then make that your main goal. 

[kev014]

Hey man I can relate to this. I actually decided to drop out after finishing my 3rd year of school and realizing the BS of school and much of life in general. What your going through makes total sense and many many others on this forum have gone through similar experiences (myself included.) Its difficult as fuck, no denying that. You'll be good though, you've got this. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. This chaos, emotional tumult you are experiencing is testing your faith. This time period will be the foundation for your life moving forward. The more you fight this process, the more difficult it will become, surrender and embrace whatever arises. Would highly recommend you read/watch some videos to comfort yourself that no you are not going insane (although it may certainly feel like that). Leo's 'Dark side of Meditation' video, 'The End of Your World' by Adyashanti, and "You're not Crazy, You're Awakening". We get in to this work thinking its rainbows and butterflies not realizing how destructive of a process it actually is. Everything untrue, every illusion must be let go of/die off before Truth can be revealed. Keep going.

[Hardkill]

I need help too! I really wish I had the damn money to buy that life purpose course from Leo because I am at a total loss myself and I am having more suicidal thoughts now. 

[Good-boy]

Psychedelics is the key here guys. Start with shrooms and then upgrade to 5 Meo to attain nirvana.