Terrified of dating

[OrpheusNovum]

I won't go into my story because it doesn't help, but I've been abused in every relationship I've been in. I told myself it was my own fault, because it wouldn't happen if there wasn't something wrong with me. 

How do I know who to trust? What's healthy in a relationship?

[Bluebird]

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What's healthy in a relationship?

You and you alone. If you are healthy, the relationship is healthy. No two ways about it.

I was similar, and it took a lot of courage to open myself back up to dating and relationships. And it's been a wild fucking ride of emotions.

The Work of Byron Katie, and feeling into emotions that arise are helping me heal and become healthy. I'm not there yet, but working on it actively and it was the best (and one of the most painful) things I've done in years.

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How do I know who to trust?

Yourself. The idea that someone can let you down is just a belief, it's based on your expectations. It has nothing to do with them.

"Loving What Is" by Byron Katie will help you see through the emotional complexes that will no doubt arise on this journey, it might be super painful, but I'm here with you man if you ever need to talk.

[ajasatya]

10 hours ago, OrpheusNovum said:

How do I know who to trust? What's healthy in a relationship?

you have to trust yourself. authenticity and autonomy are good signs of healthy relationships.

i'm going to say something that i know @Gabriel Antonio loves: you're ready for relationships when you don't really need one.

heal yourself first. learn to be alone.

[IVONNE]

@OrpheusNovum I totally agree with what some people mentioned here,  you need to cleanse and heal your soul first. feel elevated and deeply grounded and know what you've been through already and all the qualities you have and willing to share but some thief took the best out of you. know where your rooted and where you came from. understand your life because all relationships

Be your 1sr priority and level up sister <3 Much love to you dear.

[UDT]

On 1/21/2019 at 3:43 AM, OrpheusNovum said:

I told myself it was my own fault, because it wouldn't happen if there wasn't something wrong with me. 

YES!! 
There is a saying in Russia " If 3rd husband hits face, its not husband, its face".

You're have the doormat syndrome, so you attract abusers.
If that´s the case, please read: Peace at any Price by Deborah Day Poor. Its gonna change your life. Here´s the book if you cant find it yourself https://amzn.to/2REoClN

Edited January 22, 2019 by UDT

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 21/01/2019 at 10:45 AM, ajasatya said:

you're ready for relationships when you don't really need one.

Right.

A lot of people are so obsessed to getting into a relationship that they end up never finding one. It's one of those things that the more you seek, the less you find. 

 

On 21/01/2019 at 10:45 AM, ajasatya said:

heal yourself first. learn to be alone.

Agreed.

I'd also add: learning to be alone doesn't mean you have to be a hermit. 

[OrpheusNovum]

I should add, I've actively stopped dating for the last two years for the sake of contemplation.  I think the biggest problem is that I started watching porn when I was like 9 or 10, and between that and my parent's fucked up relationship, I've been in a fog. I kind of already knew the things you guys were saying, but maybe I just want a way to be accountable?

[Nahm]

@OrpheusNovum

Honesty. 

Focus in the direction you actually want, instead of using a past to limit your vision. 

Make a list of what you’ve done to heal yourself, to discipline yourself, to love yourself. Then make it longer. 

[Matt8800]

On 1/20/2019 at 6:43 PM, OrpheusNovum said:

I won't go into my story because it doesn't help, but I've been abused in every relationship I've been in. I told myself it was my own fault, because it wouldn't happen if there wasn't something wrong with me. 

How do I know who to trust? What's healthy in a relationship?

Looks for someone that shows love and respect to the people around them. Everything else will fall into place if you do the same and grow together.

[MsNobody]

This book might be good for you 

https://g.co/kgs/74tQxS

the first chapters are free on Amazon, check it out