What to do if having debts is what keeps me alive?

[Azote]

It appears to me that I have no real ambitions or purpose in life other than returning my debts. This is how I see my future: I do some self-actualization work, that allows me to repay my loans, compensate my parents for losses they had while upbringing me, compensate ecological damage by some virtuous activities, and then take a shot of morphine and die in sleep, since I will have no more reasons to live. Like, shit, I can't force another, more optimistic and ambitious vision. And of course, I'm not motivated or productive, because any work brings the death closer.

Is it a self-esteem issue and I should just do more of Nathaniel Branden's exercises? Some experience I should have that would help, maybe? Limiting belief? Why do you live and do the work?

[RichardY]

@Azote Maybe there's someone you can talk to outside the family dynamic? Like a priest or counsellor? With forums you don't know a person's tone and sincerity, basically a stranger. Devil in the details perhaps.

Ecology is probably not your biggest concern right now. I think if enough people genuinely cared, there wouldn't be so much e-waste, and low efficiency bothering to recycle paper products.

[CreamCat]

Take Leo's life purpose course?

[Shadowraix]

You won't find a better purpose unless you look for one. 

Although the life purpose is more of a game. Something to do while you exist. It's optimizing your living to manifest desires. 

[OrpheusNovum]

Wow, I relate to this a lot. I'm really angry with myself lately because my mom's trust has been funding my lifestyle, and most of my family members just do everything for me. It's completely emasculating when all the major decisions in my life were made for me.

I think what we can look at is where this comes from. For my example, I think it's a mix of egos. There is my own, as well as my family's. I may be meeting my own survival needs, but ultimately hindering those of the group. Shame is a biological message that says "I am operating outside of the value system of the group". I would trace the string back, see how it sources these suicidal tendencies, then make an attempt to communicate with the individuals at the heart of its source. That way, they know what you're doing to change things, your mind isn't racked with anxiety over debt, and you can focus all your energy on just picking yourself up and moving along.

[Azote]

14 hours ago, RichardY said:

Maybe there's someone you can talk to outside the family dynamic? Like a priest or counsellor?

I probably should, although they would probably tell me to just stop watching bearded bald talking heads on the internet 

@OrpheusNovum That's the thing. There are no suicidal tendencies as long as there are debts to pay. I try to imagine my life without this obligation. and I fail to find any meaning in it. So, it is in my best interest to keep this status quo. If I want to change this situation, I have to find better meaning in life.

Option 1: Lurk more until I stumble upon another random shit as @Shadowraix proposes.

Option 2: Go study metaphysics and find a higher purpose. Unfortunately, this is where total nihilism awaits.

Option 3: This is all just beliefs/self-esteem/shadow/lack of life experience/etc, so go fix that and everything will be fine.

[OrpheusNovum]

5 hours ago, Azote said:

I probably should, although they would probably tell me to just stop watching bearded bald talking heads on the internet 

@OrpheusNovum That's the thing. There are no suicidal tendencies as long as there are debts to pay. I try to imagine my life without this obligation. and I fail to find any meaning in it. So, it is in my best interest to keep this status quo. If I want to change this situation, I have to find better meaning in life.

Option 1: Lurk more until I stumble upon another random shit as @Shadowraix proposes.

Option 2: Go study metaphysics and find a higher purpose. Unfortunately, this is where total nihilism awaits.

Option 3: This is all just beliefs/self-esteem/shadow/lack of life experience/etc, so go fix that and everything will be fine.

Metaphysics is where LIFE awaits! I'm not in the best spot to talk right now, but holy fuck do I get excited when I think about what's coming in the next few years. For example, there's a company operating under my namesake - Orpheus Self-care entertainment - creating VR tripping. Technodelics! Growth isn't slowing down, it's accelerating. What we want you to get to is from subsistence to being. Aristotle once called Metaphysics "The being of being". It's as good a place as any to start. Also, Clarke's third law states that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Give it 20-30 years. Under pressure from climate change, we're gonna start seeing some awesome shit.

Edited January 21, 2019 by OrpheusNovum

[TriteNTrue]

@Azote Try some exercises on life purpose - Leo's might be a good start. 

You seem to be in the 'fuck it' stage so take that a step further and  go out and try a lot of stuff -  just for the fuck-sake of it. You don't have anything to lose and something might click for you. 

The bright side of this is  at least you'll discover what you DON'T like, which means you can give less fucks about them. 

I was in a fuck-it stage last year, I'm still not completely out but my mindset shifted  after I read "butterflies are free to fly".  Now I look at life in sort of a game-y way.  It's a bit more fun.