Depressed

[EvilAngel]

I almost couldn't summon the energy or motivation to pick up my laptop and write this post. But here goes....I had an enlightenment experience 2 months ago, which was incredible, and for 10 days I was in a state of peace. I slept better than I had in ages and it was proper deep-sleep (no dreams) and I only needed a few hours and would wake up every day feeling refreshed. The enlightenment experience came after watching Leo's "Spiritual Enlightenment - The most shocking truth..." video. I felt I had cracked it, and that I was at one and that nothing could take this bliss away from me. I was so peaceful that I decided nothing mattered anymore, so I started smoking and drinking again, both of which I had abstained from for months. Things have gradually got worse and worse. I lost the peaceful feeling and now every day is filled with intense anxiety and depression (even suicidal thoughts). It's like I made a huge step forward (the enlightenment experience) and then gradually regressed, back to my old emotional/behavioural patterns. So these days I oversleep, and feel terrible about waking up...I just want to go back to sleep again rather than face a depressed/anxiety ridden day. When I do get up I often just want to drink alcohol to numb the pain and combat the intense loneliness. Today, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle arrived through my door. I have read it several times before, and it certainly used to help me. But sometimes the present moment is full of suffering which has nothing to do with my mind - there is simply a feeling that exists that I can't seem to change, no matter how present I am. 

I know what you're all going to say, "just meditate" or "self inquire" and do the work. But sometimes I meditate for 3 hours straight and get no benefit. It's like I use up more energy by meditating than I would doing other daily activities, because the meditation is so uncomfortable.

Anyways, I hope you can help me, but I'm not optimistic about it.

[karkaore]

@EvilAngel The enlightenment experience you had is not a step forward, drinking and smoking is not a step back. Stop believing yourself, my friend. Furthermore, what benefit you want from meditation? The more you want to benefit, the less you actually do.

Drop the belief system. Have you ever tried writing down your thoughts/feelings? Seeing them on paper could help you understand yourself more.

And sorry, but no one can help you. Ever. Only you can help yourself. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Relax, stop trying to control yourself and observe. The key to enjoying drama is observation. Let it play. Great things will happen.✌️

[Leo Gura]

47 minutes ago, EvilAngel said:

But sometimes the present moment is full of suffering which has nothing to do with my mind - there is simply a feeling that exists that I can't seem to change, no matter how present I am

No, this is false. Look carefully at the present moment. It has no suffering in it.

Suffering is ALL mind. Stop fucking around, stop playing mind games, and observe how your mind is creating suffering. You ARE doing it! Notice this. Your mind is subtly interpreting and projecting negative meaning onto the present moment. You must look carefully to spot yourself doing this. From now on, every time you feel bad, you ask yourself "How am I creating this feeling? What must I believe to feel this way? What must I think to feel this way?"

I can tell you exactly what happened to you. You got lucky and caught a solid glimpse of the Ox because my video blindsided your ego. It hit you out of blue, thus bypassing many egoic defense mechanisms. But your mind did not have a solid enough foundation to permanently hold this insight. The ego figured out a way to reassert itself and now it has doubled its defense mechanisms. It will not allow another easy, lucky break. Now you're gonna have to work for it.

My guess is you are depressed because you want that enlightenment back and yet you don't know how go get it back. You thought catching a glimpse of the Ox was gonna solve all your problems and make life peachy without any serious spiritual work. And now you are starting to see that was just a fantasy. This is why you're depressed.

But the truth is, you just got lucky. It was never really gonna hold because you have not done almost any work decontructing that big fat ego. You cannot be enlightened and maintain all of your habitual daily egoic manipulations, beliefs, attitudes, etc. All of that needs to be broken down piece by piece. You need to undo yourself and your life. The way you carry yourself every minute of every day IS ego! All of your emtional reactions and thought patterns must be purified through patient observation and contemplation.

Stop thinking of enlightenment as a magic pill. You must also become deeply conscious of your daily actions, thoughts, and emotions. Enlightnement is only likely to stick if your entire mind is deconstructed. So cheer up and begin that procees.

Cheer up because you were even so lucky as to get a 10 day glimpse. That takes most people YEARS of work. You got it for free.

Yes, finding God and then losing God is very frustrating. But also totally normal and common in this work. Awaking up is not like flipping a light switch, it's more like a kid playing with a light switch, flickering it on and off many many times.

[EvilAngel]

18 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

No, this is false. Look carefully at the present moment. It has no suffering in it.

Suffering is ALL mind. Stop fucking around, stop playing mind games, and observe how your mind is creating suffering. You ARE doing it! Notice this. Your mind is subtly interpreting and projecting negative meaning onto the present moment. You must look carefully to spot yourself doing this. From now on, every time you feel bad, you ask yourself "How am I creating this feeling? What must I believe to feel this way? What must I think to feel this way?"

I can tell you exactly what happened to you. You got lucky and caught a solid glimpse of the Ox because my video blindsided your ego. It hit you out of blue, thus bypassing many egoic defense mechanisms. But your mind did not have a solid enough foundation to permanently hold this insight. The ego figured out a way to reassert itself and now it has doubled its defense mechanisms. It will not allow another easy, lucky break. Now you're gonna have to work for it.

My guess is you are depressed because you want that enlightenment back and yet you don't know how go get it back. You thought catching a glimpse of the Ox was gonna solve all your problems and make life peachy without any serious spiritual work. And now you are starting to see that was just a fantasy. This is why you're depressed.

But the truth is, you just got lucky. It was never really gonna hold because you have not done almost any work decontructing that big fat ego. You cannot be enlightened and maintain all of your habitual daily egoic manipulations, beliefs, attitudes, etc. All of that needs to be broken down piece by piece. You need to undo yourself and your life. The way you carry yourself every minute of every day IS ego! All of your emtional reactions and thought patterns must be purified through patient observation and contemplation.

OK thanks for your reply. I just watched your Zen Devil video again earlier today, which I thought was appropriate to my situation, a "half-assed" enlightenment. But believe it or not (supposing i'm not deluding myself) I have done some serious spiritual work. I have been meditating every day since last April. Is that not serious enough? I am aware I have a ridiculously inflated ego, so I guess that's why I was so positively effected by your video, because it was able to knock my ego down completely. 

Thanks for the advice. 

 

[Maya_0]

Your mind always creates your suffering. Just be present and aware... Do not think. Is there a problem? There cannot be unless you think there is. 

 

[EvilAngel]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

 

Stop thinking of enlightenment as a magic pill. You must also become deeply conscious of your daily actions, thoughts, and emotions. Enlightnement is only likely to stick if your entire mind is deconstructed. So cheer up and begin that procees.

Cheer up because you were even so lucky as to get a 10 day glimpse. That takes most people YEARS of work. You got it for free.

Yes, finding God and then losing God is very frustrating. But also totally normal and common in this work. Awaking up is not like flipping a light switch, it's more like a kid playing with a light switch, flickering it on and off many many times.

Thanks again, and as it happens I have cheered up considerably owing to your encouragement. Respect.

[creede]

Leo's answer was great... read that as many times as you need to to really let it absorb.

Don't buy more booze or smokes. You'll deal with the ego's backlash for not listening to it when it tells you to go buy it, but it will pass.

watch Leo's ego backlash video

I have been reading about L-theanine... look it up, and see if it seems right for what you are feeling.

remind yourself this is only a temporary feeling that seems like it will last forever.

I agree that writing about what your mind is showing you as your present reality  is a good way to see the manipulation it is using to keep you down.

[DrewNows]

Your journey of the deconstruction process has begun! Congratulations!

Do not be too hard on yourself. 

All and I mean ALL of your egoic tendencies are there to help you. When you have insights from these experiences without being the one who controls (judges, resists expects or criticizes) the “bad habits” will end on their own and blissful being will return  

when theres confusion suffering etc let it be and be present with it as much as possible 

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, EvilAngel said:

I have done some serious spiritual work. I have been meditating every day since last April.

That's good. But that's peanuts compared to what I'm talking about.

Quantity of meditation alone is not enough. You must do more than meditate, you must deconstruct and become conscious of how ego runs your entire life from sunrise to sunset.

You must infuse consciousness into your thinking process and your emoting.

Make sure you watch my The 10 Ox Herding Pictures video. It's very important for people like you.

[lmfao]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

No, this is false. Look carefully at the present moment. It has no suffering in it.

Suffering is ALL mind. Stop fucking around, stop playing mind games, and observe how your mind is creating suffering. You ARE doing it! Notice this. Your mind is subtly interpreting and projecting negative meaning onto the present moment. You must look carefully to spot yourself doing this. From now on, every time you feel bad, you ask yourself "How am I creating this feeling? What must I believe to feel this way? What must I think to feel this way?"

I can tell you exactly what happened to you. You got lucky and caught a solid glimpse of the Ox because my video blindsided your ego. It hit you out of blue, thus bypassing many egoic defense mechanisms. But your mind did not have a solid enough foundation to permanently hold this insight. The ego figured out a way to reassert itself and now it has doubled its defense mechanisms. It will not allow another easy, lucky break. Now you're gonna have to work for it.

My guess is you are depressed because you want that enlightenment back and yet you don't know how go get it back. You thought catching a glimpse of the Ox was gonna solve all your problems and make life peachy without any serious spiritual work. And now you are starting to see that was just a fantasy. This is why you're depressed.

But the truth is, you just got lucky. It was never really gonna hold because you have not done almost any work decontructing that big fat ego. You cannot be enlightened and maintain all of your habitual daily egoic manipulations, beliefs, attitudes, etc. All of that needs to be broken down piece by piece. You need to undo yourself and your life. The way you carry yourself every minute of every day IS ego! All of your emtional reactions and thought patterns must be purified through patient observation and contemplation.

Stop thinking of enlightenment as a magic pill. You must also become deeply conscious of your daily actions, thoughts, and emotions. Enlightnement is only likely to stick if your entire mind is deconstructed. So cheer up and begin that procees.

Cheer up because you were even so lucky as to get a 10 day glimpse. That takes most people YEARS of work. You got it for free.

Yes, finding God and then losing God is very frustrating. But also totally normal and common in this work. Awaking up is not like flipping a light switch, it's more like a kid playing with a light switch, flickering it on and off many many times.

+1

[EvilAngel]

45 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

 you must deconstruct and become conscious of how ego runs your entire life from sunrise to sunset.

.

I think about my ego way too much, that's my problem! Been deconstructing that little bastard for about 15 years, he still won't die!

Edited January 21, 2019 by EvilAngel

[Forestluv]

25 minutes ago, EvilAngel said:

I think about my ego way too much, that's my problem! Been thinking about that little bastard for about 15 years, he still won't die!

Thinking about ego is still immersed within the ego. It’s the “good ego - bad ego” game. The deconstruction process is much deeper and takes discipline, attention and maturity. It can be uncomfortable and involve surrender of control.

Become a skilled observer of the mind. It takes a lot of practice. Then, observe attachment, identication and the interplay of egoic dynamics. 

The ego will resist. It doesn’t like a spotlight on itself.  

[EvilAngel]

Right now my ego is saying "these people don't realise how much work I've actually done!" 

He's getting slightly offended. He's not getting the recognition he deserves! Haha. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Do you have real-life friends?

[Leo Gura]

22 minutes ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Do you have real-life friends?

That is not going to address depression, friends will only mask it.

There is nothing wrong with friends, but they will not solve any existential problems for you.

[Jkris]

I hope you are not suffering from depression. Or you are referring your frustration for depression. But if you are suffering from depression Stop meditation for some time. Smoking and boozing are depressants. They will create more depression. Consult a physician take some anti depression pills course. 

 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

 

7 hours ago, EvilAngel said:

I almost couldn't summon the energy or motivation to pick up my laptop and write this post.

@Leo Gura What do you suggest he do? Meditate more? 

 

21 minutes ago, Jkris said:

But if you are suffering from depression Stop meditation for some time. Smoking and boozing are depressants. They will create more depression. Consult a physician take some anti depression pills course. 

+1 

And I'd also add go to psychotherapy, and have friends to chill with (and vent when you need). 

[karkaore]

17 minutes ago, Jkris said:

Consult a physician take some anti depression pills course. 

That's something one should do as a last resort IMO. 

[Leo Gura]

Be careful with how you throw around that word "depression". Clinically, it ain't depression until you've had it chronically for 6 months or more.

Don't confuse an ego backlash or temporary shitty mood or some spiritual emotional upheaval with depression.

There will be many times in your spiritual journey where you feel sad or dejected or lazy or agitated. These usually last for a few days, maybe a week, and then go away. That is all just trickery of the ego-mind. Totally normal.

If it lasts for 3 months straight, okay, now maybe you should give it some serious consideration and stop meditation and seek some help.

[Truth Addict]

@EvilAngel

Do you workout?

If not, I suggest you go everyday in the morning to a park and make a free run.

When I was depressed, I used to do 30 mins a day. I put on my headphone, llisten to my favourite songs and just run non-stop for 30 mins (actually I started with 10 mins, and by the end I reached 30 mins). And I guarantee it. It's the best feeling in the world.

Gradually then, you will withdraw from your depression and start feeling better.

Also, try to look for beauty wherever you are and in every possible way. Beauty will purify your heart from depression. Listen to your heart, focus on your breath, and whatever you do in your life, just try to do it more slowly. The main causes of the problem might be hiding somewhere between the little activities you might think are okay.

May love always lights the way for you. Best of luck.