Can I stay friends with this girl I have romantic feelings for?

[LoveandPurpose]

I have this friend, who I wanted a relationship with. Since one year we've just been friends, best friends. During that time there were a lot of up's and down's emotionally, asking myself if continuing this friendship will bring more happiness than leaving it. I have the feeling that she likes me more on a friendship level than I like her on that level. I don't want a relationship with her anymore, but the romantic feelings are still there. I don't want to lie to her and pretend to be something that I'm not, which I've been feeling like lately.

What should I do? 

[Andreas]

I would ask her. If she says no then leave. You are emotionally abusing yourself. 

[LoveandPurpose]

@Andreas What would you ask her? If you mean if she wants a relationship, she has a boyfriend and I don't want one.

[NoSelfSelf]

You cant be friends with someone you want to be with romanticly end it or leave it as just casual friend you barely see...

[Shadowraix]

Depends on you. I can handle friendships despite current or past romantic feelings. Can you? 

[Elisabeth]

Does she know about your romantic feelings? 

If she does (or even if she doesn't, you'll just have some more explaining to do), I think you could do the same that's recommended after a break up: Take a no-contact break, let the feelings dwindle, then see from there what you want to do. There's a good chance it will be much easier afterwards to continue with a friendship, and set the appropriate level of intimacy for that friendship. Roughly 40 days of non-contact is usually recommended to get a romantic attachment out of your head, but this is highly individual. 

So you tell her something like that: "Listen, I enjoy our friendship very much. I realize that neither of us wants a relationship at this time, but my romantic attachment makes it hard for me to maintain healthy boundaries. I need some space to sort myself out / let the feelings fade. I would like to do a non-contact period for X weeks to restart clean. I hope this is ok with you." Hopefully, she understands. 

Then you withdraw, and you don't see her, text her, or follow her on social media. You get her out of your head. When the no-contact period ends, you can go have tea and catch up  

I've done this twice, with a crush I've had for several months (after he rejected me), and with a short relationship. I maintain good friendships with both men - I do have some tender feelings left, but the clear break helps a lot. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Sometimes friendships can turn into romances...

@ajasatya Any thoughts on this?

Edited January 20, 2019 by Gabriel Antonio

[ajasatya]

On 19/01/2019 at 9:54 PM, Gabriel Antonio said:

@ajasatya Any thoughts on this?

i don't have personal experience with friendships that turn into romances. what i know is that people involved in these kinds of friendships usually realize that they can be good intimate partners very late.

[outlandish]

@LoveandPurpose Is being friends with this girl, and still having a romantic attachment to her getting in the way with you being able to form a romantic relationship with another girl?

If yes, then I think you have to cut off your connections with her, or at least make more space.

But if you can still be friends with her, be attracted to her, AND be OK with pursuing other relationships, then I don't think you need to break anything off. Sometimes you'll find out that your attraction to her will simmer down once you have a new romance, and you can have a really nice friendship leftover, or who knows what will happen.

[LoveandPurpose]

@outlandish I can still pursue other relationships. I think I'll give it some time and see what will happen when I get into a relationship. Thank you very much for your answer! 

[iTommy]

This is tricky to answer. I'd suggest that you honestly answer those questions, "If I still have romantic feelings, what do I really want from her?" & "What do I truly want/seek out of the current relationship that I have with her?". If the answers you find are, that you actually want some sort of romantic relationship, then I'd suggest that you ask if she feels the same way.  If she doesn't, then maybe it's time to part ways unless you're good dealing with the emotions that come with such a friendship. At times it might logically point to us not wanting a romantic relationship with certain people, but the feelings might tell a different story, and we'll get caught up between our logical thinking and emotions.

Personally, in your situation as I interpret it, I might cut off the contact, at least for a couple of months if she doesn't have romantic feelings for you. I would emotionally abuse myself if I didn't, since I would get exposed to that chemical high/butterflies everytime I would see this person, wishing and fantasizing on a deeper level that she would have romantic feelings for me. Doing that long enough would probably do more harm than good, not only for myself but also impacting the friendship. 

Maybe you'll get truly over her while still being friends, maybe it's better for you in the long-run to let go. That's something only you can find out.