The flight, the void and the freezing brain

[Alex bAlex]

Greetings,

I have three situations that happened to me this week to share with you. Also, I would like to know if anyone went through this. The first one may not be so related to the other but still...

No. 1 

I'm in the city centre looking for English courses and I keep collecting flyers and ask different schools about their offers and time table to know which can accommodate best my night time working schedule.

So I enter the last school. Go up the first floor, I see sing for reception and I open the door. Nobody at the front desk so I look to my right, I see the cleaner walking into a corner and pass her I notice a girl with her face looking into a computer screen. This girl  I have met her before twice at a MeetUP gathering (several times a month this group meet for drinks and or other social events). This girl is also from Romania and while I had a little chat with her at the meet-up group I remember that she said something like "I had finished a master degree in English ...(too noisy in the pub and couldn't grasp so much)". I had in plan to ask her about some English Courses at the next MeetUP. And now here she is. 

BUT. What is my reaction? I Immediately TURN AROUND AND FACE THE EXIT. At this point, the lady who does the cleaning says  "no, no, come back is open..."  And I was...oh FUCK...

 

Sure I had a very pleasant conversation with this girl who was cheerful when she saw me and she explained me all the bits and pieces, gave me her email address and I find out that her school classes fit perfectly with my schedule. So I will join her school pass mid-March.  

What  I am bewildered about is that instinctual reaction. Why did I choose to fly? Why I am afraid of people? I do not have any attraction about this girl as she's not my type. 

Let's move on

No 2 

I am at work and at the midnight break I went into the canteen to warm up my food into the microwave and take it back in my cab to eat. This is a new working site for this company and for me. Although there is a table to accommodate 8 people I feel more at ease to eat by myself in my cab. Anyway, I am waiting to pick up my food, the guys at the table crack some truck driver jokes between them and another one is checking a draw for some cutlery. 

He said " Ahhh... dammit, someone already stole all the forks? Who the fuck steals all the forks? I bet is you, young lad! (pointing to me -this was my second time when I was there and I knew none of those guys ). 

First I freeze, then I got the joke, I smiled, and I .....I say something stupid (more mumbling)  like "Yeah to re-seal them to you, half priced" ... and freeze. At this point, all I could fell was a big void in my head. I was desperately looking for a smart reply or any other reply but all I could feel was void. Nonetheless, I took my food, went out and on my way to my cab all sorts of scenarios and what to say came into my mind and even making me laugh. 

But still, I have that image of me freezing when accusations are pointed to me, especially in a humorous situation. Probably because in childhood I was a constant victim as I couldn't defend myself very much, neither physically nor with arguments. So if I was named in relations with some troubles  I knew that I have to pay for it, not even having the second thought to prove it's not me as this was dismissed very quick.

No 3.

Two hours ago coming back from work. I park my bike in the back of the house and walk around the house building to the front door. When I got into the main path walk to turn right to my house, I got a little jump from a dog. It's 5 am and dark over here and didn't expect someone to walk his dog at this early hour. 

Anyhow. I greet the lad " Good morning", he replied the same and the dog stops. It looks at me. I bent to touch him but the dog steps back. The owner says "he he nosy" and I said "hehe"  Then we walk next to each other for another 10-15 yards without saying anything. I try to come out with something but I automatically turn to my house door and get in. While I close the door I remember that I had a similar dog in care  18 years ago ( for 4 months) so I could mention that or try more to cuddle the dog or ask if it is a male or female, age, anything. 

But again I felt that gigantic void. It feels like the brain freezes for ages. Also, I get this with the colleagues at work. I do the minimum talking with them, considering that I do not have what to discuss with them- they're not into personal development and shit chit chat and gossiping are not my favourite subjects-.

 

Moreover, those are just a few situations of social awkwardness but even when I am at the grocery store that I am visiting for more than a year and a half and see the same cashiers, I cannot pass over "hello, thank you, have a nice day". Still while walking outside the store all kind of scenarios and possible remarks comes into my mind. But when I am in front of the clerk desk I am frozen. And other countless situations follow the same path. Doing the minimal talk. 

Still, I am going to these Meetup gatherings (once a month due to my schedule) but even there, I am exchanging pleasantries and then get quite bored. Many of my friends say that I am boring. All I know is that if it's no practicality in what I am talking in a conversation, I quickly dismiss it. 

WTF TO DO? How to break this layer. Why nothing good comes out of my mouth when I need it most? 

 

So far I plan to take some English classes and join a toastmaster group later this year. I hope this will work. Also, I am working unsocial hours and this has a huge detrimental in my conversation skills. 

Edited January 19, 2019 by Alex bAlex
Emoticon in wrong place

[lmfao]

@Alex bAlex Yeah, loads people like yourself (and me included) are socially awkward. It's a classic problem.

8 hours ago, Alex bAlex said:

BUT. What is my reaction? I Immediately TURN AROUND AND FACE THE EXIT. At this point, the lady who does the cleaning says  "no, no, come back is open..."  And I was...oh FUCK...

Wanting to avoid someone you know in public might be fairly common lol. I know that for me, the person I see in public might want to engage in all sorts of small talk but I don't want that.

 

8 hours ago, Alex bAlex said:

First I freeze, then I got the joke, I smiled, and I .....I say something stupid (more mumbling)  like "Yeah to re-seal them to you, half priced" ... and freeze. At this point, all I could fell was a big void in my head. I was desperately looking for a smart reply or any other reply but all I could feel was void. Nonetheless, I took my food, went out and on my way to my cab all sorts of scenarios and what to say came into my mind and even making me laugh. 

But still, I have that image of me freezing when accusations are pointed to me, especially in a humorous situation. Probably because in childhood I was a constant victim as I couldn't defend myself very much, neither physically nor with arguments. So if I was named in relations with some troubles  I knew that I have to pay for it, not even having the second thought to prove it's not me as this was dismissed very quick.

In regards to your second situation you seem to have figured out your own problem with that second paragraph in the quote. 

 

Since you are a different person from me it would be presumptuous for me to think I can accurately speculate as to what the causes and "solutions" to your problems are but I'll try anyway. I'll just talk from my own experience. In some of the situations, you "freeze" and don't know what to say. I think that this freeze response of your might be rooted in anxiety. A small unexpected event in the external world triggers your fight or flight response. People with anxiety problems have an overactive and oversensitive fight or flight response. And in your post you've talked about childhood experiences that might be causing these problems you have. You're able to come up with all sorts of responses after the interaction is over and this could maybe be explained by having anxiety problems. If you don't have anxiety problems, don't let me typing about it make you think you have them.  

I hate small talk and find 90% of what people talk about to be boring. I don't give a shit about gossip or sports at any meaningful level, topics people talk about all the time. If I'm in a situation where I am forced to do such things for extended periods of time it probably means I'm not hanging out with the right people. However I would be lying if I said I hate small talk completely, since I can talk a long time about certain video games I've played or tv shows that ive watched. So perhaps theres also the problem you don't have topics of interest to talk about with most people around you. 

I have found personally myself that after having meditated I am more calm throughout the day and am less likely to immediately panic and freeze up. One thing which I need to do for myself is not let my disdain for small talk result in me having impaired/poor social skills. I'm setting a personal goal to accept the part of myself which hates small talk but to also have good social skills. Right now, whenever I interact socially its clunky and it drains my energy from having to put on a persona. But if I stop putting on a persona, whatever the short term consequences may be, things will be better for me in the long term. 

Another thing which im not sure of is whether some of your problems are worsened/caused by English not being your native language.

Edited January 19, 2019 by lmfao

[Commodent]

I would recommend avoiding situations that trigger freeze/flight responses and rather seek positive experiences in safe environments. That could be support groups or spending more time with close friends. People often say that you should step out of your comfort zone, but that is really a terrible advice when doing so triggers survival responses. It merely strengthens the neural pathways and makes triggering more likely to happen next time. Indeed, just thinking about the problem has the same effect neurologically. Stepping out of your comfort zone is not necessarily bad though, just make sure you do so in a supportive environment. In that case it can be very healing. So in short I think giving yourself some space is really the best thing you can do. 

That is really what worked for me. I got a dog and avoided situations (within reason) unless I knew it would be a positive experience. Spent several hours a day in nature with my dog, chilling at home with my flatmates, dropping lectures to read at home, cutting out friends/groups that didn't make me feel good, started BJJ, which is fun and the people there are super cool. The whole thing is idyllic really and I rarely experience these freeze/flight responses anymore. And when I have them they don't really bother me. All that by simply taking my foot off the pedal. Who would have thought?

I made a post about integrating your past a few weeks ago which could be helpful (key point: be kind to yourself). Complex trauma is pretty much the sole reason of such survival responses being triggered:

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/29924-integrating-your-past-and-its-role-in-emotional-health/

This link could also be helpful:

http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

I would particularly recommend reading the freeze/flight sections.

Also, your friends don't sounds very supportive.