OCD and Anxiety About Women

[howdoistopobsessing]

Hi Actualized,

I'm posting because I want to know how to become happy without needing a woman in my life. I was born in the U.S., moved to a Central American country with my family when I as a kid, got off ADD pills, had a hard time socially at school (which lasted until graduation from high school), had symptoms similar to autism; all that. I'm moved back to the states with my dad's support to do a music program, although I'm not even sure if that's what I'm interested in. I'm 20-25 by the way. The other issue I'm dealing with is a constant fear of making some stupid mistake with anything because of my lack of concentration because I'm always thinking that I want a gf. I don't have the confidence or looks (I don't look that bad but bad-enough) to cold-approach them. I need to know how I can become happy. I tried volunteering but didn't feel any better (picking up trash almost every weekend around my neighborhood) and giving food to people in need. I'm just sad and tired guy in general, plus the anxiety. I also fear certain numbers like 4, 9 (Asian superstitions), 13, 18 (from a Redditor with bad experiences with that number) and now the apartment I'm living in has a 4 in its number (I'm on the forth floor) and I'm afraid that that no self-improvement I try will work then.

I'm on Risperidone, Wellbutrin and Sublitamine as well. As far as meditation goes, I've done forty days (forty-day challenge) of the Kriya and Sahaj Samadhi taught by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar (Guruji) of the Art of Living Foundation. I haven't felt better with that either, so I stopped the practices because I find them annoying anyways. Once or twice I also tried chanting Om along with a YouTube video that a friend recommended. Didn't help either. Maybe I have to do it for more days. I don't know.

Also, every now and then I run 1-2 miles almost every morning to get some exercise, hoping that that will help me, but I don't feel much difference either. All I want is to stop caring about wanting intimacy with women. I tried PUA very half-assed as I lack confidence but if something works, then maybe I'll try it again. I don't know if it's spiritually a bad idea to be promiscuous; I still want to do it anyways because it's in my biology although at this point I wouldn't mind a long-term relationship and maybe marriage if it's a better idea.

I tried getting involved with Christian Evangelism but didn't feel anything either. It seems like nothing makes me feel anything. I really want to get off these meds but if I do, I'll start freaking out about whether or not I'll get a gf or fwb's in the future or not. I'm supposed to work part-time too but I feel that if I don't feel better soon, I'll just rage-quit after the first day, not to mention it could make the depression worse, doing something repetitive for hours on end. I'm also terrified of messing something up because my of lack of concentration. I know that billions of people in the world have to do that, but I feel like it's just for happy people who can stand it. I really want this year to be different. I made a bunch of New Year's resolutions and only kept like one of them. The only one that's succeeding is no-fap.

I've been sleeping for like 11 hours every night too. I don't want to see an escort because I don't want to spend my dad's money on that and I don't want any chance of getting arrested. It's all fake anyways. I want to do whatever it takes to get better. If vibrations are real, then I need to raise then somehow. I guess Christians think all this Hindu stuff is bs and maybe they're right, but I don't know. I wish I knew which religion was the true one. I've even "opened my heart" to Jesus but nothing happened either. It's so frustrating. I don't see the point in reading any religious book like the Bible or the Bahavat Ghita or however you spell it because I don't necessarily think it's more knowledge that I need but connection to God/the universe. I just want to be happy. Thank you for reading and I hope that by the end of this year I'm a happy guy. Maybe some of Leo's videos and practices can help me. There's just so much content though that I don't know what to start with a I don't want to spend three months watching videos and then start to get better. I'd rather start whatever practice right now. Every waking moment for me is a form of psychological torment because I'm so afraid that I'll stay celibate for life. I really hope that things improve. Just please tell me what practice to start, and I hope it'll be effective regardless of being on the forth floor of this building.

[F A B]

Bro hear me: do you want a girlfriend? Then work for it! Forget about superstitions, forget about religion.

Raise your confidence, learn about female phycology, eat healthy food, go to the gym.

Practice, practice, practice. Learn both through your failures and through your successes.

Take care.

 

Edited January 16, 2019 by F A B

[howdoistopobsessing]

@F A B Thank you so much for the reply, but how exactly do I raise my confidence? It also just bugs me that I'm on the forth floor (I know it sounds super retarded but it legit bothers me. I'm thinking about moving out after this month's over). I really hope no number brings bad luck.

[bejapuskas]

@howdoistopobsessing  If you were a high quality woman, would you want a guy who is desperate or a guy who is loving? Your thinking is too linear, you have to first fix the problems in yourself and by doing that, all the needs and superstitious things might actually disappear. Try contemplation - just write whatever comes into your mind, be honest and don't overthink it, you will learn so much about yourself. Stop looking for some external thing that will magically solve all your problems. Alexander the Great died with a regret, even though he „made his ego distractions dreams come true“ or Arnold Schwarzenegger, even after being the #1 bodybuilder and #1 actor, he still needed something else, it's not like it will do the job, even if you go to the extreme like those two guys  Try studying Katie Byron and Eckhart Tolle, maybe it will help you. Also, be honest with yourself: do you actually do all the practices Leo recommends you to do? How often and precisely do you do them? Do you read books? Are you addicted to something?

@F A B  What you are advising him is great, these things obviously make a difference, but drop the idea of these „achievements“, there is much bigger treasure hidden from you in the present moment  You literally sound like TJ Reeves  

[Marinus]

To raise your confidence consider comfortzone challenges. 

[Consept]

I agree with @bejapuskas you have a lot of ideas about what you need to do but all I see is someone trying to escape themselves anyway they can think of. You have to see that you have a belief in what religion or finding or girlfriend would do for you ie make you a happy guy, but what your saying to yourself constantly by doing all these things is that 'im nothing now'. Religion isn't a case of I have enough knowledge so now I'm happy, true religion is dropping all these ideas and seeing what you really are and accepting that fully. 

On a practical note, getting a girlfriend 100% will not solve your problems, in fact if you go in with the expectation it will make you a happy guy I guarantee you'll be worse then when you started. So drop all ideas that something external will make you happy because it won't and you're probably making some progress as I think you're starting to see that although you haven't given up yet, truly give up on external happiness and things will change