Why does the majority of people doing a self-actualization journal appear to be nuts? Well, I am one of them now, so I guess I'll find out. The bad I have started attempts at implementing habits that I wanted since I was 19. I am 26 now. The years in between I have spent anxious, occasionally depressed, constantly having so much chaos in my mind that I felt I had no choice but run away. Running away meant eating random shit, smoking a lot, drinking, getting caught up in drama, and a LOT of binging TV and youtube. All the while not even being able to get up early for work consistently, or brush my teeth for that matter. There's a part of me that believes I am 'cursed', destined to live a mediocre life as an unhealthy heavily neurotic lonely person, that I don't deserve to be healthy because I've been a smoker, and I'm lazy, and so on. When I listen to this part, I can hardly get out of bed and I brush my teeth/shower only every few days. Also I never do dishes or clean up, so being at home for me is navigating through the mess, trying to close my eyes to it and distract myself with TV as much as possible. All this went on while I had relationships and did have my share of social fun. Having people over just means scrambling to hide the shameful uncontrolled mess. I've stayed up entire nights without sleep, trying to force myself to clean up or vacuum. Or cook. My mailbox has 1600 unread messages. I could go on. I've been diagnosed with ADD. I sought this diagnosis because it fit: in highschool I could spend five hours staring at one math problem, not understanding the words that I read. I wasn't lazy, I wanted to fucking do my homework! I just couldn't bring my mind to it. In hindsight I should have eaten less bread probably, might have helped. Anyway. I've been on and off ritalin and dextroamphetamine many times. It does me no good in the long run. At best it just blindly increases my enthusiasm for EVERYTHING, which does not help me with controlling my focus and being selective at all. At its worst, those medications have altered my personality to not be interested in my partner and turn me in a workaholic, which fucked up my relationship and my health. My conclusion is I have to face this propensity I have for chaos, and handle it. Without drugs. The good In recent months I have been working on my vision, trying to get a purpose clearer and clearer. I have been eating clean(er) and going to the gym regularly, which helped my mood a lot. The past week I've even written down everything I eat, and with that awareness I put on it I was motivated to eat even cleaner. The result has been that some days I have felt AMAZING for like no reason except a good morning routine and no bad food. I don't even need coffee anymore. I have been a non-smoker for almost 5 days now. Things are looking up. My goals: Eat fucking clean. No grains, no dairy, no sugar, no coffee, no alcohol. Drink water, sparkling water or tea. Meditate daily Concentration practice daily Give up TV and read instead Keep a life plan/vision, year plan, week plan, and daily schedules. Not knowing what I should be doing is the nr 1 cause of anxiety for me currently. Learn some basic yoga asanas. Do this in the morning. Increase self expression. I've started practicing public speaking. Maybe I want to start a blog too. Learn to drive Do prayer, and other gratefulness practices to keep me humble and in flow Weight training at least 3 times a week. This is almost an addiction at this point: I need it to regulate my mood. Stay a non-smoker Formulate a business plan and execute on it. Can't be a wage slave forever. Learn pickup. I need this for my soul. I'm tired of making excuses to not talk to a girl   So, my intention is to update here on my progress and to keep 'stats' of how many hours I spent on the activities above. Let's see how it goes! I feel energized!