Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Everything in my life is going great. I can't really say otherwise. And I feel grateful.

But here I am, not sticking to my good habits, doing things that I know are going to make me feel guilty and bad, for like no reason. Coffee, bad work ethic, bad food, wasting my energy on forum discussions. Why?

If I wasn't in it right now, I bet I would have a great advice for this person I'm being right now. Mr. Answer-to-everything, has the universe figured out. 

Lets's test that theory. What would you say sir?

Chris: When I am doing my practices and sticking to my schedule, I feel serene, productive and content. Today and yesterday I went against all those, predictably making myself feel guilty, stressed and ashamed. I don't know how to prevent this self-sabotage that seems to happen regularly. What do I do?

Flowboy: you are giving yourself something you crave subconsciously: guilt, shame, stress. If you didn't like that on some level, you wouldn't go back to it. The cheap thrill of caffeine is not what you are looking for, it's the delicious feeling bad and guilty that you want. You have a humiliation kink. Times of success and feeling great about yourself bring this kink to the surface. Another way to look at it, is you have a thermostat that regulates you back to a certain level of contentness that you are used to.

Two things you can do here: add an affirmation about feeling great about yourself for doing your practices so consistently. Using this regularly can adjust your self-image and thereby your thermostat.

Secondly, your craving for self-humiliation won't be resolved until you make the enjoyment conscious. So do the EK practices on that. You know how.

 

If you think that's best, almighty Flowboy?

Time to get to work.

 

[flowboy]

New affirmation added:

 

I know the practices that make me feel good and productive, and I am always doing them consistently without exception. Feeling great about myself is my everyday normal. I don't need self-sabotage and shame, and I can accept the highest levels of contentedness and serenity and feelings of greatness into my life every day

[flowboy]

In the category of patterns-I-wish-I-would-outgrow-already:

1. Make a to-do list of 12 things instead of 3-4
2. Instead of making a reasonable plan, cram it all in one day against my better judgment
3. Feel pressure and resistance for tomorrow
4. Instead of going to bed early, finish something random until 3am
5. Instead of hearing the alarm, get up at 10
6. Instead of cutting down my tasks for the day to a reasonable size, drink a lot of caffeine and think that I have unlimited time as long as I have unlimited dopamine in my brain
7. Waste time on youtube and walk around distracted, because I hate my day plan
8. Eat chocolate muffins and drink more coffee, because "I need the energy to do all these impossible things"
9. Still pretend that I am going to do EVERYTHING on the list, even if it takes me all night
10. Maintain this delusion until 10PM. Then magically wake up from this self-deception and realise that I have done 3 out of 12 things, wasted a bunch of time, eaten and drunk a bunch of crappy things, and now need to fucking go to bed
11. Repeat

God, what the fuck. I had my shit together, then I let it slip. Why?

Something's got to give. The thing is, the more pressure I put on myself to finish too many things in one day, the worse I become at prioritising.

The stress of it basically blinds me to my real priorities.

I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again.

I promised solemnly that I would not let all my precious time get eaten up by these STUPID MISCELLANEOUS TASKS that I make up for myself.

And I will fucking stick to it.

Tomorrow, I am deleting everything that is in my way. All the shit that I thought I could "also do". Well, it's gone. All that matters is getting that fucking website finally done, and planning my next visit to my lovely girlfriend. The rest is unimportant shit and I am so mad right now at the unimportant shit clogging up my time. Argh! So frustrated!

Gotta be even more ruthless.

Will report tomorrow on all the shit that I deleted.

[flowboy]

SO CLUTTERED

 

My task and project list is so cluttered that I could almost vomit because of the need to purge it.

I feel ashamed because having coached people on this shit, I feel like I need to be able to rise above this. Sometimes I feel like such a bullshitter. And/or that the value I attempt to provide is fake. Definitely if I can't even help myself with it.

I'm talking this shit through with a buddy tomorrow. I need a witness to the pain of me purging my attachments to timewasters.

 

Another reason I feel like a fraud: MY ATTENTION IS TERRIBLE LATELY

Watching videos and at the same time checking my messenger apps on my phone? And the forum? While looking up the next podcast and mindlessly checking my email?

It's like I'm trying to ruin my brain.

I also haven't meditated in weeks.

Honestly I feel sad and a bit powerless right now.

[flowboy]

Sometimes you just need a good purge. My whole system is clogged. I feel like I am dragging several car tires behind me as I walk, tied to my feet with strings. Yes, it's still possible to walk. And to anyone who asks why the hell am I dragging these car tires behind me, I defend them tooth and nail. I have a great, flawless speech prepared, ready for anyone who questions my ways, explaining how it is indeed a bit harder to walk with car tires behind you, but for me there is no other way, because X, Y and Z. So my life is just supposed to be this hard, and also other people are basically irresponsible for not dragging car tires behind them as they walk. They definitely are missing out on some opportunities there.

[flowboy]

I'm so glad that I am taking a bit of time to prepare my website before letting a bunch of new clients in.

Every day I am inspired to add a little puzzle piece to my coaching program. It usually follows my own overcoming of some obstacle. Or just an insight sparked by something I read or hear.

What I am piecing together here is quite a unique take on ADD and how to alchemize it. I believe it cuts right to the core, and at the same time goes more meta than most others care to look.

It includes perspectives that I could only have gained by being on a significant personal development & healing journey myself.

It's also about much more than ADD; I also will include my perspective on addiction and how to quit things, which is quite unique and counterintuitive I've noticed.

I feel excited to assemble it and test it.

Edited April 21, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Insight of the day: addiction is not a people problem. People are just much better at manufacturing addictive substances than other animals.

I don't see orangutans make chocolate muffins!

Let alone cook meth.

Our addiction problems would be over if the world would just stop manufacturing addictive foods and drugs.

This is deeper than it seems on the surface. Addiction is commonly thought of as a "character flaw", and when we can't stop eating chocolate, we think there's something wrong with US.

It's okay to blame the chocolate a bit too! And the people, for making it.

[flowboy]

God has ADD - an explanation for reality

So God could actually be the most ADD entity in existence. If somebody asked him or it: "If you could do anything, and had all of the energy and all of the time? What would you do?" And then, BOOM... this explosion of everything would happen.

We're in God's mind while he ponders that question.

And when he thinks: "It's time to focus" that's when we enter the Singularity.

And when he's allowed to daydream again, another Big Bang!

[flowboy]

Just watched a video by an ex-alcoholic looking for some gold, and I found it.

Reason being that my pattern with coffee is very similar to that of an alcoholic trying to quit. It's everywhere, it becomes part of your life, all your friends do it, you get sucked in and tempted again and it fucks up your life.

Here's the cool reframe I found: "No one can make you!" (drink again)

So cool. No one can make me drink coffee again. They can't force me to put that cup to my lips! Powerful reframe because it takes the temptation away and turns it into a rebellious challenge.

[flowboy]

Ok I can NOT take a microdose of LSD and also do things on the computer... psychedelics just make me frustrated with technology and not see the point of it.

Well to be fair, I'm also still detoxing from my latest caffeine binge. Withdrawal from caffeine makes me sluggish and uninterested in technology. That has been proven before. Very inconvenient for a programmer, indeed. Hence being hard to quit, indeed.

Sometimes I just wish I had 100K in the bank and didn't have this pressure to put food on the table every day, so I could just calmly figure out my health and my business.

Ok that's a lie. EVERY DAY I wish that.

[flowboy]

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING DISORDER

 

I could fucking cry right now.

My driving instructor is at the end of his wits, because he's taught me everything already, I can do everything but it still takes me too long to think about things in traffic.

He wants me to take neurotoxic chemicals again so I will pass the exam.

I AM NOT FUCKING MENTALLY DISABLED. I AM NOT STUPID. I resent the world for treating me that way.

And I am also at my wits end. I don't know what to do when I eat super healthy and still have brain fog.

No wonder I self-medicate with caffeine. Which is also toxic. I'm so done with the outside world persuading me to poison myself.

[flowboy]

Microdosing is like running your own software with a debugger. You can still go about your day and get stuff done, but you're able to inspect and fix your own thought patterns along the way.

 

3d day of yet another coffee detox, and so the choice was between being sleepy and dumb all day and taking something.

took 1.016g of psilocybin truffle and 500mg rhodiola and 1.5g Astragalus.

Really liking the result. It's a lot like the benefits of coffee without the drawbacks. Had a 4 hour creative work session where I brainstormed my presentation and reverse engineered some good examples.

Going to create an awesome fucking pitch. I can feel it.

 

Also my movements (typing) are faster and well coordinated.

It seems to me that it's easier to get stuff done on psilocybin than on 1P-LSD when it comes to microdosing. Gonna test microdosing psilocybin for driving, too.

Also, my friend found a driving school that specializes in people who learn a bit slower for whatever reason. They say that it's very common for people who are cognitively very high-functioning, to learn driving a lot slower, because they learn by using their analytical mind and remembering all sorts of rules. And more simple-minded people drive without thinking about it and learn really quickly that way. Their words, not mine.

But it's good news. I'm going to see if they offer a 10 day intensive course where I can drive every day. I think that would be so much more efficient for learning. It's always too long ago when I get into a car after a week of break. MAN I'm typing fast. Gotta remember this combination.

[flowboy]

This is a stiff fucking microdose. I'm cutting this down a bit. Phew.

 

Meal Prep

It's still two days to go, but it looks like... I may have successfully prepared dinner and lunch for myself for an entire week, using one cooking session with one 10 liter pan!

Super happy with my pea soup. I've been eating the same thing for two weeks now and I look forward to it every day. Lot of farts though. That's why I'm thinking peas might not digest optimally, it feels like they get a bit stuck. Going to try lentils too.

It opens up possibilities... I could also fill my 10L pan with my delicious curry and eat that for a week! I think I'll do that next Saturday.

Cook once a week, eat something different every week instead of every day... I'm liking it. I don't know how humans fell into this terribly inefficient pattern of creating something different to eat from scratch every day. It's almost deliberately insane. At least for entrepreneurs living alone, who want to make the most use out of their time, it doesn't make any freaking sense. Also, the complexity of finding out what's healthy and what's not for every different recipe/combination is just too high to repeat every day, if you want to work for 12-13 hours.

Also, the idea of a "varied diet" being imperative, and translating that into cooking with different ingredients every day, it's a myth and a scam... don't even get me started on that.

Ok, I'll start a little bit. Varying your diet is a good idea if you have no idea what you are doing. Eat a whole bunch of different things and there will be some good stuff in there that agrees with you. It's like diversifying an investment portfolio. A good idea if you are clueless and don't trust your own judgment. Better get some of everything! A terrible idea if you actually know your stuff. Why do you think that hedge funds never have more than 3-5 big active trades?

That's right. They know what they are doing.

Same with the body. If you find a food type that really agrees with you, just eat that, and a couple other things that work optimally and burn clean. Don't switch it up with all sorts of weird stuff for no reason. The body can make everything it needs from what you eat, if it's reasonably healthy.

Rant over.

Edit: Rant not over. Of course eating the same thing for 6 months is not optimal. That's why some vegans run into trouble. Or vegetarians who forget to eat eggs. There are some things you need every once in a while. But really, every once in awhile is enough. Eat a bit of organ meat and a fatty fish or bit of chicken once a month, or once every two months, and you're good. Some nuts.

All extremes end in tears.

Edited April 28, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

State Save

Man am I on fire.

I just smashed through a challenging accounting session in record time. I had a long backlog of transactions to deal with (something that would have caused me anxiety and procrastination on many other days), AND there were two extra hurdles with it: I closed several accounts and didn't know how to administrate that, and also an expense which is part business part private. Didn't know how to do that either, but I just improvised both and blasted through it.

What I'm noticing

• Super fast decision making
• Super fast prioritization: I'm able to skip over and let go of less important things, and picking out the essentials in record time. This is unprecedented.
• No procrastination
• No breaks or sidetracks
• No anxiety even though this was a super daunting task
• Brain running on 100%, like on coffee but better
• A noticable sense of motivation and drive, incited by this challenge. So: something daunting and tedious is actually motivating me to blast through it and complete it quickly! WHAT. That's new
• I have all the energy in the world
• I was on my feet all day, cleaning, cooking, and also doing admin stuff, and I did not get the usual tiredness, where it feels like I have to sit down, and my back and shoulders start to hurt. Sometimes I could not even finish the dishes in one sitting. None of that today. Were all of those things caused by caffeine?

Inputs

Let's see which factors could have contributed

• microdosed 1g of psilocybin truffles today. Effects already gone, but may be experiencing after effects. Have been microdosing for over a week.
• Inboxes are all clean
• I cleaned up all lingering projects some days ago. So, what I'm working on this week is the total of everything that has to be done. There's no vague sense of many things I also have to do after, in some nonexistent parallel never-get-to-it world.
  That's new. I do suspect it contributes a lot to how energetic I feel. But I can't be sure.
• I cleaned up several boxes that were in my daily walking path. I put the contents in my new closet, and that side of my place looks more spacious and clean now. I just like it better to look there now. Perhaps that is also adding to my energy.
• I have been working out every day. Today was a stiff workout including many burpees.
• I have been on a dopamine fast for the past week - hardly watching any videos, not checking notifications until 7PM
• I have been eating super clean for the past 11 days: no caffeine, no wheat, no sugar, no dairy, basically only my vegetable soup and eggs.
• Today I ate a steak and eggs for breakfast. Perhaps I was missing that
• This is day 5 of not ejaculating. But it feels like day 17
• I have been sticking to my no-distractions-during-work policy quite well, so no guilty emotional drama taking up my energy there
• I have been sticking to my daily schedule quite well
• My new todo system (in Notion instead of OneNote) is a lot less work and more fun
• I feel loved and am extremely happy in my relationship

 

I should really pick out the posts like this (whenever I had an exceptionally good day like this I made a post), and compare them all to see what I can learn.

 

Ironically, today I ordered some state-of-the-art nootropics from America. For driving. And on the day that I order those, I feel like I already took a limitless pill? Wait... is that how the placebo effect works? It just kicks in before the package has even arrived?

Edited May 1, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

LOW CArB DIET

[flowboy]

It's so nice to work on one thing for an entire day, and nothing else!

Definitely keeping this practice of reserving entire days for deep work, and not letting a little one-off here and there creep in.

I actually made progress on a big project. Perhaps only 20%, but that's still much more satisfying than tending to random admin things.

Also, all the little things that come up / have to be done, I move them to a dedicated day. So that I have taken a breath and when the day is there, I can still have the right amount of distance to it to be able to purge / cancel some unimportant stuff.

Edited May 4, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Managed to work on the sales video for 8 hours today!

AND take a much needed powernap, which costs me 50min at minimum, AND take a covidtest AND do all of the dishes.

I'd say this was a good day.

My mind is not as sharp with this crazy energy as yesterday and the day before - could be weather related. But still, I'm functioning quite well and pushing straight through any resistance, penetrating into a flow state through sheer force of will. As a habit.

[flowboy]

Public Holiday! Nobody works! Other people are probably enjoying the hot sunny weather right now.

What did I do?

That's right. Follow the schedule. Work on my video script for 7:45 hours.

It's too hot to properly concentrate. I don't feel like doing this work. My eyes are feeling weird.

But I am. Doing it. No distractions. No FOMO.

It feels awesome.

You have to take enjoyment in the fact that no one else will want to be in your place right now - David Goggins

 

I didn't feel like doing it. I still, after 8 hours don't feel like continuing. But that makes no difference to me. I am the master of my mind and my body.

[flowboy]

Overworked

Hello, third stage of burnout. Gotta be careful now.

I'm recognising the signs:

• Hard to think clearly, tired mind
• Tasks seem insurmountable
• Anger
• Fantasies of quitting job just to make a point
• I feel like a wide hole has been drilled inside my skull, where both my eyes used to be. It's like I don't properly see the world.
• I want to scream at everybody but I also kind of wanna cry
• Constantly away in thought, not because I'm distracted, but because I'm tired
• I just hate having a job period. My job is a great one, but it's still a job, where I have to compromise on what is good and wise because of other people's foolishness. I think when it's time to hire employees, I'll be an insufferable perfectionist boss, like Steve Jobs. The kind of boss that everyone is kind of scared of. I'm extremely detail oriented and unwilling to compromise on principles, compared to most people, so that fits nicely. I can already see it. I look forward to it.
• Dark thoughts creeping in
• Feeling worn out around the eyes

So this has not to do with caffeine withdrawal, I can tell because I still understand everything, it's just more exhausting to.

Also this is not an ADD thing. That feels different. I just really need a recovery day.

I went to the store to solve a problem with containers. I did not solve the problem, because I could not decide.

Got myself some fresh orange juice and dark chocolate, to cheer myself up. Didn't even eat more than two pieces, so I still get diet points for today! Look at me, being disciplined but flexible.

I wanted to get several beers. This is the kind of stress that makes me crave alcohol.

Edited May 14, 2021 by flowboy

[RendHeaven]