Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flume]

On 20/01/2021 at 0:02 AM, flowboy said:

She was blonde, short, kinda cool. Coerced me to take my clothes off in front of the camera. Then told me to come to her soundproof room where "you could easily kill someone".

 

I'm going on an adventure!

She sounds like a real snack! Keep us posted... In case you make it out there alive

[flowboy]

@flume I wouldn't count on it... last night I had an ominous dream about a demonic flaming goldfish. I haven't looked up what that symbolises, but I bet I will find out!

See you guys on the other side...

[flume]

It probably symbolises an upcoming shift in identity: from flowboy to toyboy or something like that

[flowboy]

Enjoyed the silence today, after days of mindless video watching and other distracting behavior, I finally turned off the videos, the podcasts and even the music. The ego backlash is not over yet, but the end is in sight. I seem to have a lot less self-hatred over it. And I think that that is going to help avoid or shorten this situation in the future. I ate a bit of processed food today, and then I made a salad that was a total health bomb. I can feel good about that without needing the extreme. The extreme being: flawless eating behavior 24/7.

To fully emerge from this backlash however, I need to plan a month in advance. A plan of attack is what normally makes me feel strong and in control. So that's what I will do. Today.

Existential Kink

Last week I walked my friend to his car and we talked about my life. Even though I don't let myself complain, I felt I should be honest and admit that I feel a lot of friction with my current life situation. My apartment's too small, my furniture is too old, my finances are too tight. But all those have been choices: I had a job that I could have taken which would have paid me a lot more, but I declined in the end, because it was full time. I consciously chose discomfort so that I would have more time and also motivation to get my business going. And also the desire for a better lifestyle is something I invented. I could put the same energy in learning how to live cheap and love it. But I choose not to. So I mused: This pain is related to a dissatisfaction that I chose. I can alleviate it, but I choose not to and instead to have it propel me forward. So I should probably learn to enjoy it more.

Then, a couple days later, I saw Existential Kink mentioned on this forum somewhere, and I instantly bought it. Clearly, this found me at the right time.

I received the book today, read the first 15 pages and it really resonates. It says that whatever unwanted pattern you keep repeating, or whichever situation you hate but keep ending up in, is actually something you subconsciously get off on. The writer asserts that you have some of the same kinks that God has. God loves to play puppet shows with itself that have love, romance, beauty, but also war and rape and atrocities in them. Similarly, it is asserted that humans subconsciously love the darkness they attract into their life, as much as they consciously love the light.

I was familiar with the idea that whenever there is a pattern, there must be some reward tied to it, but I saw that as a minor reward. This book states that actually, it's your kink. You totally love it. Subconsciously. And that if you bring that enjoyment into the light and become aware of it, you can rapidly integrate the shadow.

As humans, our whole selves are always reflections of the divine totality ("As above, so below; as within, so without"). We are microscopic reflections of the total holy macrocosm, and as such, we are each innately curious about and desirous for the full spectrum of potential experience, both the painful and the pleasurable, the evil and the good, the ugly and the beautiful.

- Carolyn Elliott

That's pretty cool. And it resonates with how I've experienced my life. In my teens and early twenties, I've entered into relationships that I knew would have to end within a year, for example. And the breakup was painful, and there was a lot of drinking, smoking and crying. And yet, the drama of it also gave me a strange sense of fullness.

That is just one example. With people in dysfunctional relationships, it's pretty obvious and easy to point at them and say: "On a subconscious level, they enjoy this drama, or they would not have it." It's almost a cliché.

But now this book challenges me to apply this idea rigorously to everything in my life that I don't like, and discover what I secretly love about it.

I will post here what I learn.

 

Edited January 27, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Recently I've spent time in the arms of several women I like, but don't love. It's getting a bit old. Is there something wrong with having sex with someone whose company you enjoy, but whom you don't see as a partner? The old flowboy would scream 'NO'. This flowboy still says no, but not as loudly. I can't escape the intuition that there's something dirty or even sinister about it, that I don't have the conceptual framework for to understand. Like it messes with my aura, or it creates an energy pattern that clouds clarity. I really lack the conceptual framework here, this just sounds like gibberish.

But this is what I feel: I feel like I want to keep myself pure for the right person.

 

WHAT. That's seriously weird. Have I turned into a Disney princess overnight?

I guess I better start picking out a gown for the ball that my prince will come to invite me to any day now.

I decided to illustrate my confusion.

 

 

Of course there is nothing wrong with this way of thinking. But I never experienced it before. And so I always thought that people who thought like that were old fashioned, and I also thought they were missing out.

It may or may not last, or even make sense to me tomorrow. It feels like one of those moments where I get to peek around the corner to a more evolved paradigm, which I do not yet have a full grasp of, but it's close.

Or it could be interpreted as a stage Blue backlash. I was kinda born into Green so it's not likely. But possible.

 

 

A less extreme, more nuanced version of the same sentiment would be: I only want to mix my energy with people who it feels intuitively right with in that moment. And when I'm not sure that it's right, yet or anymore, I want to not do it anymore, rather than going through with it for the physical enjoyment.

 

 

I have been carrying a belief that sex is simply a net positive, regardless of how meaningful it is. Which is understandable. Sex is fun, enjoyable, and it always seems to leave both parties in a good mood. But it's not a very nuanced belief. I think it's not serving me anymore.

 

 

So if there's many 'right person's, I'm open to that too. I leave that up to the Universe. I just want to be more discerning and pay more attention to whether it still feels right. And... maybe not multiple ongoing involvements that are vaguely defined. Rather one at a time whom I really like. Well, who knows. Maybe this is a breakthrough, maybe it's just a reaction to a bad experience I had last year.

Edited January 27, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I planned out my next 10 days and feel a whole lot better.

[flowboy]

I removed 'Conquer all of my fears and have full unshakeable control of myself at all times' from my goal list, because honestly, that sounds kinda stupid to me now, and added: 'Learn to enjoy silence and appreciate lack of stimulation'.

Yes. That's what I need.

[flowboy]

Silence, Calm and Relaxed Productivity

I expected today to be a hellish day. Because I have been upping my coffee use to alarming levels again, I decided it's enough again and I will switch to tea, and stick to it this time. [I realised my behavior with coffee really follows the same pattern as that of an alcoholic: I can't "just have one", and pretty soon I need it the entire day and let it keep me up at night too]

Quitting usually leads to overwhelming sleepiness, no motivation and attempted abuse of tea.

Instead, I was surprised to not need any coffee or tea today! I've equanimously immersed myself in one boring task after the other. First work, then business admin. There was very little of the franticness and panic, instead there was just calm acceptance and trust that I will figure it out.

I had planned too many things for today, but I don't feel guilty for not completing them: after all, I haven't slacked off and kept calmly chugging along.

So if my week plan doesn't fit in my week, well, then some things will just have to get cut, won't they? I would stress way more over this normally.

Also, I felt very little desire to slack off by reading and reacting to things on this forum, or on my cellphone.

It's like I have successfully disgusted myself with overstimulation, and now all I want is silence, to read and calmly do my work.

When I went to get coffee, I looked at the chocolate muffin I wanted, and the premade sandwich: and said to myself: "I know what that leads to. Enough already. I have a salad at home."

Also, I kind of don't want to text people. I'm very aware that it takes energy away from me. Why spend energy on distraction?

 

I have no music on today. No podcasts are blaring into my skull during cooking, or cleaning, or taking a walk. My mind gets to relax. Filling every empty moment with voices, whether it be radio, youtube, or podcasts, is actually stupid because the mind doesn't get the downtime that it needs.

I think silence is very overrated. My goal is to learn to love it, and it's already happening.

 

 

I still love the EK book. There was a story in it that very much reminded me of my own situation: a woman who hated the old, moldy, beat up, smelly, broken car she drove. Hated it every day. But stubbornly refused to get it cleaned or fixed, and always found reasons to not get a new one right now. She did the process on it, and it helped her. She realised she secretly loves feeling trapped, and being connected to poverty, and feeling limited and victimized. She allowed that to come into the light and be there. Then it transformed and she very quickly manifested a new car that actually smelt good.

It's scary how right this book is for me. I'm surrounded by objects that make me feel poor and trapped. A very, very ugly closet that is basically a sagged upside down tent. I hate it every time I look at it, and yet I haven't changed it. That's just one example. Once, I had a big black box that was almost as tall as me and wrapped in garbage plastic, and took up a huge space. It contained moving boxes. But I found out I could not afford to move, so I didn't need them. I let the black box stand there and remind me of my failure, for SIX MONTHS. Six months I kept bumping into it and feeling ashamed. If that's not sadomasochistic, I don't know anymore! Apparently I enjoy shame. I also never shop for clothes. My jacket is missing buttons. My shoes have holes. Many shirts have holes, too. There's many I wear but don't like. It makes me feel ashamed. But at the same time, there must be something I secretly love about surrounding myself with ugly brokenness, or I would fix those things quickly one by one. Perhaps on some level I enjoy the feeling of poverty and powerlessness. Let's find out!

Edited January 28, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I spent 5 hours catching up with my accounting and researching tax related stuff... and I still have energy to spare!

I have no clue what the hell is going on with me. I'm calmly doing what needs to be done. So even-keeled. So equanimous. So the 2021 me! :))

[flowboy]

I suddenly have the urge to go live in a forest.

Just looked up house prices of single houses that are amidst a forest. I've seen a really nice one when I walked by it. The entire front wall was glass. There was someone working on their laptop inside. Basically their desk was in the forest. I want that.

[flowboy]

I just slept for 14 hours straight

Went for a "nap" at 18:00. Woke up at 8 am, ready to start the day.

Still no craving for caffeine. How strange. This is day 3 of accidentally quitting cold-turkey, and I am fine. Had a bit of a headache, but that went away with some Wim Hof breathing. Mental clarity is fine. Of course I've been eating mostly raw vegetables for the past week, that probably helps.

Perhaps quitting caffeine is just a matter of taking a long nap, where you catch up on all the restorative sleep you were deprived of. And that's it.

Daily Wim hof breathing has helped too probably.

But mostly, I feel like I've been given a cheat code from above. Thank you

 

Thought of the day: is there even a better feeling of contentment, than coming out of an ice cold shower and, body still tingling, warming my hands on a warm bowl of breakfast material? ?

[flowboy]

Building up Pain Tolerance

I've been doing mini workouts to get back into it. A single set of push-ups here. Some pull-ups there.

Since my vacation I found myself less tolerant to workout pain. So I do a little bit, because it makes me crave more. This morning, just a short run around the block and 20 pull-ups. 10, 6, 4. I feel like I can definitely do more, and would be excited to work up a sweat again. So it's working!

I looked in the mirror at the place where my sixpack used to be. Time to get it back! Also my shoulders, chest and triceps are slimming down. I can't have that. That is unacceptable

My cold shower went deeper than I usually do it. I put my attention on the feeling of "just one more sec, can we get out now", and tried to transform it by taking breaths and making sound like I was relaxing and enjoying it. That helped. I even went through the "brainfreeze" feeling until it was so painful that it kind of shocked me. I imagined Wim swimming under the ice, and reminded myself how much more is possible.

I guess I'm lucky that my shower goes really cold. D's shower wasn't quite doing it for me.

Edited January 30, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Just ran 4 km in 21.09 minutes. Hated about 20 minutes of that. But I set out to beat my own time and I did.

Suck on that, me-from-2020!

Suck my modestly-sized dick.

K, getting a weird turn-on now.

[flowboy]

I love you

Thank you

I'm sorry

Forgive me

 

 

Aubrey Marcus just brought me to tears while doing the dishes.

 

"Integrate the archetypes and you will start to manifest miracles"

Interesting. EK book said "Make the unconscious desires conscious, let the mind impregnate the spirit and you will start to manifest miracles"

I'm paraphrasing. Badly.

Edited February 4, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Intermittent Fasting

I like it and feel like it energizes me.

I just had water until 12.00

I did 230 sit-ups

Then I had a steak and eggs.

 

What Caffeine Does

It sends adrenaline and jitters throughout my body so that I am pushed up inside the mind.

What No-Caffeine does

I am very much in the body. Not so much in the mind. I want to exercise. I want to fuck. I want to love. I am not very interested in my computer screen, or meanings that live there.

[flowboy]

Did Not Get Murdered 

Also, she totally did not hack into my account and write this, so everyone would think I'm okay. 

I'm crazy about her.

She's a short, ginger, and kinda cool woman who lives far far away.

I realised it when she played the piano and sang softly to herself, and thought I wasn't listening. It was just so damn cute. Made me tear up, in fact. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't cry this time 

I flew out to see her because I intuited that it would be great, and I knew that soon money and travel are going to be no problem for me anyways, so why let that stand in the way.

I could describe what I like about her, but it's basically everything I've come to know and it's not even that. It's not the attributes or the story of a person that makes it amazing, but the way it feels when we spend time together. The way we banter, laugh and have fun together. The way we can't keep our hands off each other for more than a minute. It's like there is glue between us, but it's not glue but something way more awesome. How much we enjoy fulfilling all of each other's dirty and outrageous fantasies. How wonderfully different our perspectives are on topics that we both are curious about, which makes our conversations effortlessly interesting. How awesome she is at decorating her apartment, which looks like a painting and feels like a temple. Which is wonderfully complementary, because I am quite the opposite. How each other's mere presence puts us in a flow state where we just lose ourselves and our bodies spontaneously invent new ways to connect physically. How she totally geeks out on personality types. The way she speaks my language, but a different version of it, and we both think the other's pronunciation is ridiculous. When she says she feels so safe in my arms, and it actually melts me. The involuntary noises she makes when she cuddles me, in the guinea pig pitch range. The raw feminine energy radiating through her words, voice and being, which is simply irresistible to me. How we fuck endlessly, each having orgasm after orgasm without ever wanting or needing to stop, until we both have lost our mind and are rendered blissfully useless.

The way she laughs! Oh my god. It turns me into a wild man.

One moment, standing in the snow, she looked at me so surrendered and intense, like I was her warrior and she wanted to put a spell on me and make me hers. I am strong, she is soft and feminine and I want her wrapped around me wherever I go.

It feels so right that it could easily be a dream. We've actually pinched each other to check.

Okay, flowboy. Just BREATHE man

 

Today I'm resting in the afterglow of a spectacular, delicious and hot five day adventure. 

I just feel grateful. I thank the Universe from the bottom of my booty for this encounter.

More thoughts later

Edited February 13, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

She kept asking me: "What are we gonna do about us?" 

To me it's pretty simple. It feels how it feels, and we live where we live. Without that one obstacle, it would all be too dreamlike to be believable anyways. If it means we can't see each other as often as we'd like, that's fine. Probably even good for us right now. It's a great challenge to initially live with, and in time overcome.

That vision is contingent on her deciding whether she even wants to meet again. Which she hasn't even done. It's wonderfully nerve wrecking. I love my life

However, during the entire 5 days, whenever we were outside I had a runny nose almost incessantly. It made her cheek wet whenever we kissed. And she didn't complain once. So she must really be into me.

And if for some reason this is it for now, that would break my heart a little but I would be okay. I don't need her. I just passionately desire her. Which is a fantastic state of being in and of itself. I'm enjoying the fuck out of it.

The romantic in me says that as long as it feels like this, we'd be totally silly humans to not have a second date. And, as is typical for me, I've already figured out how it could work. 

 

I opened Facebook yesterday to find posts by friends feeling the pain of the exact problem I'm offering a solution to. 

Time to take my nose out of this pink cloud, put it to the proverbial grindstone and work to explode my business.

The financial freedom and fulfillment I'm after, are waiting for me right around the corner.

 

Edited February 13, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Definitely coming back to earth a bit from my oxytocin-fuelled multi-day drug trip. 

Some low-consciousness food cravings and behaviours present themselves. I indulge a little, because it's all okay and I know I won't spiral. I naturally gravitate towards healthy living most of the time.

I realize that getting to know a lover is a process I have to respect. I shouldn't try to skip steps. And even though she and I have gotten to know each other a fair bit over the past couple days, and my heart wants to already scream the L-word from the rooftops because it's high on pheromones and overjoyed with the obvious compatibility, it's only been a couple of days. We've only uncovered a fraction of what there is to know about the other. A promising start, that's all it is. Building a real connection takes a lot more time. 

So I take a breath, and focus on cleaning up my space and getting a new laptop.

 

Edited February 13, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Familiar dream.

 

I'm at my parental home. Realising I am 20 years old and still have to graduate high school this year. Failing again would be too embarassing.

But it's impossible, because I'm so behind. I have only gone to some of the classes, and not written anything down. I have so much math, biology, and Latin to catch up on, that it makes me sick with panic and think of quitting. How could I have been so foolish to be lazy and procrastinate studying for so long...

Edited February 14, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

 

I just told the girl who comes by every once in a while for a massage that ends in sex, that I'm not interested in that kind of thing anymore. 

Which is a radical step for me.

Screw my network of women-whom-i-sometimes-fuck. I built it to distract myself, to guarantee a wet hole to put it in whenever I felt a perceived need, so I could perpetuate that illusion. It all needs to be cleaned up.

I've tasted the Real Thing (TM). Meaning, sex with someone I felt deeply connected to, which made it infinitely more blissful. Maybe for the first time in my life. At least this level of intensity is not something I remember from before. I've felt deep connections with girls before, even some that I was equally over the moon with. But then, my baseline level of awareness and openness was lower, and there was more neediness, which still made it more pornographic and less profound in comparison.

And in this glorious way, my appetite for casual sex has been effectively spoiled. The thought actually disgusts me. And what a blessing. Because sexual urges are too strong to just surpress with discipline. A transformative experience like this, is the only thing that could have cured me. The belief that a hard cock means I need to find people to have sex with, has been such a destructive influence on my creativity. A huge timesink, as well as muddying the waters of my clear sustained focus.

I think I'm ready for that 'sexual transmutation' all the kids these days are ravin' about.

What will I do if I don't see this woman again? I hope I do, cause I really like this one, but it doesn't change this at all. I will just stay celibate until I encounter something truly meaningful again.

And when that presents itself, I don't need to have practiced 'game' in the meantime. Everything will flow automatically. I'm a naturally attractive man when I'm on my path, there's nothing I have to try or do for it. God already made that clear on the plane home. More on that later, maybe.

Edited February 15, 2021 by flowboy