Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Quitting Smoking And Caffeine Again

During my holiday, I felt like letting myself go. I was living in complete luxury, on vacation in a warm country, and having an affair with a woman who smoked.

It started with an innocent one.

After a couple of days, it became an ungodly amount again, and the facade of enjoyment and innocence was gone.

I was sure that after one week of vacation, it would not be too hard to quit both substances again.

But then upon returning home, my girlfriend broke up with me.

And I found a suspicious painful blister on my tongue, that made me really worry about my health once again. I guess that's a good thing, because I was tempted to postpone quitting for a few more days whilst feeling sorry for myself about the breakup.

But I can't risk it. My body doesn't respond well to this abuse at my age. I have to stop now.

 

During the next 7 days, I expect to feel shitty and frequently whine here about it. But I will not smoke.

 

 

T+2h: Caffeine crash. Getting a sense of hopelessness and meaninglessness. One craving. Taking a walk.

T+2.5h: Oh God. It's dark and cold. I don't like this country. I'm so bored of my life here. I'm sad and angry with my ex. I feel like I'm stuck living here, and need a fresh start. But any other place in my country would still be dark and cold.

T+3h: Sugar crash. Hard to keep my eyes open. I keep forgetting what I was doing. Not looking forward to this weekend. Being depressed and brain fogged once again.

T+7.5h: Kept myself busy calculating costs and messaging with a group of 9 people about how much they owe.

Maybe I can do this. I feel energetic, restless. A touch of emptiness where the comfort of a girlfriend used to be. But mostly a lot better.

After walk: What am I doing here? Why am I living here in this cold country, inbetween these wet dark buildings? I don't recognize my own life.

Granted, ereyesterday I came back from the Carribbean, and it's been quite a shock...

 

T+8.5h: I'm driving myself insane scratching my molars. Got something in between them and it won't go away. Perhaps it's a hallucination.

T+9h: Turns out I did have something between my teeth!

Edited January 8, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

T+18.5h: Overslept crazily for work, due to jetlag. Going to drink coffee for at least one more day. Really want a cigarette.

T+23.5h: Been wasting time on this forum all day during work. Not proud of that. Programming and logical thinking are becoming harder. Cravings are manageable. The sore on my tongue seems to be slowly retreating, so as long as I take this warning seriously, I think I won't die.

Edited January 8, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

T+2d 4u: Cravings calmed down. A couple of moments during the day where I really considered smoking again "to see if it would make me as relaxed as during my vacation". Luckily I could see through that excuse and did not indulge that.

I'm looking forward to cleaning my house tomorrow and finishing the 3d quit day.

[tsuki]

[flowboy]

@tsuki Wow? that escalates quickly. I suppose that's why I maintain this pattern of starting again for a few days every 3-6 months. I'm actually saving myself from materialistic excess and anatomy problems, and protecting the world from war and famine. I feel so noble now.

 

 

T+3 days: Had only one or two cravings today. I was lucky to get scared straight before I made it part of my daily life habits again.

I think I'm going to quit coffee now, too, to keep the momentum. I'm also living in complete chaos (food packaging everywhere) and hedonistic escapism, stuffing myself with snacks and videos. And that's acceptable for a few days after a breakup. 

But I'm not actually that sad. It's time to start cleaning up.

Perhaps I can subtract alcohol, too, after another 3 days. I've been abusing that a lot during the past couple weeks, and my organs have been complaining loudly.

Edited January 10, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

 

This is now my favourite talk on psychedelics ever. Very exciting. Finally a scientist who does not try to deny and marginalize subjective experience, but really explores it full-force. Terence McKenna would have loved this.

So apparently they are really working towards establishing contact with hyperdimensional beings. Of course we already have this, when we smoke DMT or go into some kind of trance, or just use a natural ability that some have. But for scientist to set out to do this in a controlled setting, and really extend the trips to understand as much as we can about this other world, is truly groundbreaking.

So if I understand it correctly, you actually temporarily become a higher-dimensional being when you do DMT. I suppose ego death makes sense there, too.

This explains to me also these UFOs spotted by commander Frazer and his colleagues, who moved impossibly fast. And in general why UFOs and alien sightings tend to appear and disappear into apparent nothing. If I had a sheet of paper with 2-dimensional life going on on it, it wouldn't see my finger until I put it in their plane of existence. I could then lift it and put it down somewhere else, and to them it would disappear and re-appear.

In a lower dimensional world, it's not impossible to see things that move in more dimensions. You can see the projections of them. But if they would rotate, it would not make sense in your world. If you watch the famous tesseract rotate, it doesn't make sense because it's a 2d projection, which we can mentally expand into 3d, but that still would be a projection/slice.

It doesn't make sense in the same way that if you took a circle in a 2d world, and rotated it in the 3d dimension, it would flatten, turn into a line, and unflatten into a mirror image of itself. Without an understanding of 3d world, this makes zero sense and is against all laws of nature that you are aware of. It is not at all like all your 2d objects that constrain themselves to 2d physics behave.

[tsuki]

@flowboy have you ever identified the reason why you want to smoke in the first place? It must serve some purpose in your life that could maybe be fulfilled by other means? Like stress relief for example?

[flowboy]

@tsuki  Without it, I experience stresses and worries much deeper. I'd say it comfortably closes me off a bit, and makes me a bit more worry free and emotionally stable. And numb. So it's been great for a person with SAD, like me, who gets anxious and depressed for roughly half of every year.

I think getting more sunlight would work just as well. Unfortunately, since I combined both of those in the past week, I have no good data.

Edited January 10, 2021 by flowboy

[tsuki]

@flowboy When I read through your journal from time to time, you come off as a pretty intense guy that pushes his limits. Have you ever considered that you may be pushing yourself too hard overall and it contributes to your stress (and nicotine addiction)? Maybe it is something that you need so that you can continue this lifestyle and use it as a relief when you are too overwhelmed?

[flowboy]

@tsuki  To quote Joe Rogan: it's entirely possible

I definitely am intense. Am I pushing myself too hard? That question brings up some fears though. Because I have achieved hardly anything yet. So I feel like I actually need to push harder. Finding out that this is my limit would seemingly mean the death sentence for my dreams.

[tsuki]

44 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I definitely am intense. Am I pushing myself too hard? That question brings up some fears though. Because I have achieved hardly anything yet. So I feel like I actually need to push harder. Finding out that this is my limit would seemingly mean the death sentence for my dreams.

@flowboy When you mention your dreams, a question popped up to my mind.
Is the fulfillment of your dreams more of an artistic project, like expressing yourself, something wants to "come out" and you are seeking ways to give birth to it, or are they something that you seek so that you can feel complete?

Do you feel like your life is a race, so that you can make something of yourself before you die, or is it more of a stroll where you admire your surroundings?

Mind you, neither of these options are mutually exclusive with being intense. That is why I'm asking. I'm asking also because you seem to be experienced with spiritual practices and psychedelics and I get an achiever vibe from you which is weird when I look at the other traits that I mentioned. 

[flowboy]

10 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Is the fulfillment of your dreams more of an artistic project, like expressing yourself, something wants to "come out" and you are seeking ways to give birth to it

That is what I hope to do after I achieve prosperity.

10 minutes ago, tsuki said:

are they something that you seek so that you can feel complete

Partly. I don't like being a wage slave, living in a tiny space, and being financially constrained. I want out of that situation, and I do not have faith that creative expression will get me there. So I am applying discipline now, to later have the opportunity to let creative expression blossom.

Perhaps that's the wrong approach, but if I would focus on creative expression now, I would be a wage slave having fun in his free time tinkering with many different projects, not really finishing any of them, because that is my tendency. So I don't see how that would help me to not be poor and I really hate being poor.

 

When I try to see around the corner, I think the highest way of living would be to train your own character to be highly skilled in the art forms it prefers, so that then God can come and express itself as freely as your physical constraints allow. To be a perfect vessel.

So I can not be at peace having to spend 40 hours a week on someone else's dumb agenda... what a torturous waste.

Edited January 10, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

20 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Do you feel like your life is a race, so that you can make something of yourself before you die, or is it more of a stroll where you admire your surroundings?

Yes, I feel like my life is a race right now. And I see myself as trying to quit the race within 3-5 years, so that I can stop racing and start enjoying and admiring.

I honestly haven't even raced much yet, though. My default tendency is towards a combination of hedonism and deep contemplation. So lots of deep thoughts, little production. I'm very frustrated and often feel jealous of people who seem to be naturally driven to make things happen. I wish that would be my natural configuration, I would not have to fight myself that hard every day.

[tsuki]

16 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Partly. I don't like being a wage slave, living in a tiny space, and being financially constrained. I want out of that situation, and I do not have faith that creative expression will get me there. So I am applying discipline now, to later have the opportunity to let creative expression blossom.

Do you dream of being wealthy, or is it a stepping stone for what you actually want to do in life?

19 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Partly. I don't like being a wage slave, living in a tiny space, and being financially constrained. I want out of that situation, and I do not have faith that creative expression will get me there. So I am applying discipline now, to later have the opportunity to let creative expression blossom.

I know that this is a matter of definition, but it really does not seem to me that you are dreaming of something. It seems like you are being propelled forward by the discomfort of your current situation. While it does indeed facilitate change, I can see how that can create a lot of stress that you may want to numb down by smoking. I can also see how that can make you harsh on yourself.

22 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Perhaps that's the wrong approach, but if I would focus on creative expression now, I would be a wage slave having fun in his free time tinkering with many different projects, not really finishing any of them, because that is my tendency. So I don't see how that would help me to not be poor and I really hate being poor.

This may be a strange question, but why do you hate being poor, specifically? Is it a constraint on your expression, or is it about external appearance, like status? 

23 minutes ago, flowboy said:

When I try to see around the corner, I think the highest way of living would be to train your own character to be highly skilled in the art forms it prefers, so that then God can come and express itself as freely as your physical constraints allow. To be a perfect vessel.

I think that you may be confusing God with your inner critic. God is already expressing itself as freely as your physical constraints allow.

[flowboy]

2 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Do you dream of being wealthy, or is it a stepping stone for what you actually want to do in life?

It's a stepping stone. I used to think it was the first. But actually I just dream of being free to spend all my time in which ever way I please. Such as going on month long retreats, travel, learn different musical instruments for hours a day, meditate my balls off.

[flowboy]

5 minutes ago, tsuki said:

This may be a strange question, but why do you hate being poor, specifically? Is it a constraint on your expression, or is it about external appearance, like status? 

Not a strange question at all It is a constraint on my expression. The external appearance effect would be nice, but after gloating to my entire friend circle, I imagine that pleasure would fade quickly. The freedom would not.

[flowboy]

8 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I know that this is a matter of definition, but it really does not seem to me that you are dreaming of something. It seems like you are being propelled forward by the discomfort of your current situation. While it does indeed facilitate change, I can see how that can create a lot of stress that you may want to numb down by smoking. I can also see how that can make you harsh on yourself.

That seems accurate. I do work actively on what I dream of, but when I skip my visualisation exercises for a couple weeks, such as now, the discomfort overshadows everything.

[Striving for more]

LOVING your journal bro ! 

Currently just reading your first pages  ... Man I needed this in 2019/2020 ha, I wanted to go do pickup but I pussied out all the time, kept telling myself I "shouldn't be a creep" seeing someone else pushing it, with the bools to go out alone is so valuable & admirable. 

[flowboy]

19 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I think that you may be confusing God with your inner critic. God is already expressing itself as freely as your physical constraints allow.

I think we're on the same page... However I feel that if I had more time, I could let God express itself through me playing various instruments and doing art projects

[tsuki]

50 minutes ago, flowboy said:

But actually I just dream of being free to spend all my time in which ever way I please. Such as going on month long retreats, travel, learn different musical instruments for hours a day, meditate my balls off.

I think that your definition of freedom is at fault here. It is not possible to be free to do things. We can only be free from things that bother us, but not "externally free" in the sense of disposing of them, but internally free, as in: it does not bother us. What you seem to want is the power to do whatever you please with no consequences. This sounds very lonely, my friend.

45 minutes ago, flowboy said:

That seems accurate. I do work actively on what I dream of, but when I skip my visualisation exercises for a couple weeks, such as now, the discomfort overshadows everything.

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

Perhaps that's the wrong approach, but if I would focus on creative expression now, I would be a wage slave having fun in his free time tinkering with many different projects, not really finishing any of them, because that is my tendency. So I don't see how that would help me to not be poor and I really hate being poor.

Do you mind sharing what you actually want to do, other than playing instruments, meditating and traveling? Neither of these activities have well-defined "finish conditions" that seem to bother you. It is not like you can "finish" meditation project, or be "the" musician, the finished product. They do not seem to need loads of money to do. I have a suspicion that you actually want to be "better" by perfecting yourself. Don't get me wrong, not better than someone else, but being perfect, in a sense. The "finished" project of a person. This is a fantasy that will move the goalpost every time you approach it. 

34 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I think we're on the same page... However I feel that if I had more time, I could let God express itself through me playing various instruments and doing art projects

To me, it seems like you really want to be loved and accepted, personally, for who you are. 

Edited January 10, 2021 by tsuki