Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Day 11

Had a breakthrough day yesterday, it was amazing. It was great fun working together with my friend on our respective business plans.

An idea is taking shape. And I've been blessed with a generous offer of expert help from a friend.

 

Currently reading "Caffeine Blues". Yikes. Apparently it's more like smoking than I thought. Everyone depends on it and/or sells it, so no one wants to admit it's bad.

I thought I would make coffee a weekly thing, like a cheat day, but I guess not. Also, I'm going to have to stick it out at least another week, to be completely decaffeinated.

Edited May 13, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 12

I cheated a little bit by sending a text yesterday. Also happened the day before. Reason this time was that I felt bad because my friend was trying to reach me, and could not. And I promised to call, but then I was too tired/sleep deprived to.

I will have to come up with a better system. People are expecting me to text back, wondering what is the matter. I neglected to communicate the change to everyone clearly.

Yesterday was pretty shit. All day I tried to work, but I was just too damn sleep deprived. I took two naps in the middle of the work day. A pretty desperate measure. Helped a bit, but not enough. Didn't get anything done for the full 9 hours.

This morning at 5am I said "Screw having another shit day like that" and reset my alarm to 7am.

One lesson got confirmed: Listening to a voice that dispels information that engages my mind/is interesting/feels important before falling asleep, ruins my ability to fall asleep for at least two hours.

Today is going to be better

Edited May 14, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Reaching Access Concentration By Brute Force - A Step By Step Plan

Here's something of value for a change, in case someone is crazy enough to read through all my repetitive complaining and ends up here.

1. Realise this: I don't control how deep my focus is. God decides that.
   What I do control, is whether I do anything else. Seriously. Nothing else.
2. Get some blood flow by doing some movement. Can be a full-blown workout, but some push-ups or a brisk walk will also do
3. Ensure enough fresh air
4. Turn phone off and put it in another room, or at least out of reach
5. RELAX. Let go of the anxiety about not focusing. Relax body and breathe deeply.
6. Empty desk: remove everything you're not currently using
7. Make a thermos full of ginger tea and put it on your desk.
   This way you don't have to get up to boil water, and come back and pour tea so many times
8. Close all browser tabs and all windows that are not needed for this task. Be rigorous.
9. Put the food aside. Being slightly hungry is better. Consider adding some coconut oil to ginger tea if needed
10. Put on binaural beats on headphones
11. Write down a tiny first step, execute it, write down tiny next step, rinse, repeat
12. Don't do anything else on the internet, also no useful necessary things if they are not related
13. See something interesting? Do not click it. Find something cool? Do not share it with anyone
14. Only get up to pee and come right back
15. When you have finally reached concentration, don't stop and go blog about it immediately

Edited May 15, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 13

[5am] I think a phone call with a friend yesterday, who complimented my morning routine, supported me to suck it up this morning and just execute the program. I was almost ready to re-think it all again, but I keep doing that and it's a trap, too.

When I've worked out in the morning, I feel great and ready. So I should keep doing it.

And on those days where I missed sleep, I tend to skip workout but I don't think I should. I'd rather move meditating down to the evening, if I'm in a rush.

I was ready to share a screenshot of my performance tracking sheet with my friend, but stopped myself. Play by the rules, boy. No texting.

I think this adventure has been really useful in showing me where my subtle addictions and dopamine triggers lie.

[7pm] Today was a good day, focus-wise. I did not feel particularly like working, but despite that I managed to reach a focused, motivated state.

I think it has a lot to do with not eating too much. I fasted until 12pm, then had some oatmeal, then at 4 fried up some eggs.

 

Edited May 15, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 14

[5am] Nothing to get one going in the morning like 80 burpees!

One more day to go!

I broke the texting rule a bit here and there, and when a friend showed me a video I watched it, but apart from that I made it.

After today. But it's not hard anymore. On the contrary, I've started to enjoy it!

The simplicity. Resisting all these impulses, letting myself twitch until I settle into concentration.

Reading is now the most interesting and rewarding 'restful' activity there is for me, and I actually crave it.

I can't go back to watching youtube every day. If I do that, that will take away from my reading.

And I'm currently (growth mindset) not reading very fast. I could read faster, but then comprehension would suffer. I think.

So if I ever want to make a dent in my book list, I have to make some sacrifices.

Basically this feels not like a detox anymore, rather like the right way to live for me.

The most exciting things are my super-simple breakfast, my walks to the supermarket, my banana-and-peanutbutter snack, and reading.

And it turns out, it's pretty easy to forget about sexuality for a period of time, if I keep myself disciplined and busy.

And don't watch porn. And don't fantasize.

I'm seeing the connection more clearly between the content that I consume (be it porn or otherwise exciting films or podcasts), and the mental interruptions that follow in the days (weeks?) after.

Hear disturbing news on a podcast interview once, get mentally distracted about it every day and dream about it for the next weeks. What a hidden cost! Is that worth it?

And movies and series, same thing: watch an episode, it's cool and fun, but then those characters come back to haunt my thoughts and make my life seem boring in comparison, again and again and again...

So I didn't just lose that hour of time that the episode took. I lost a whole bunch of efficiency in the week after.

[11am] Doing dishes and making the bed with classical music on. I know AC/DC would energize me more, but this is the healthy choice. It's like choosing the leafy greens over fast food, or not putting sugar in my breakfast.

I'm really enjoying these healthy choices now. The actual decision to not give in to a craving is becoming enjoyable?

Strange, but it's a blessing

 

[1pm] Well, I've finally done it I'm productive at the desk without substances, thinking fast, clicking fast, feeling great!

Ingredients:

- 14 days no PMO

- 14 days no caffeine

- Regular sleep schedule

- Eating spinach and chicken every day

- Starting the day with a stiff workout and some physical chore, like dishes and laundry

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by flowboy

[Wisebaxter]

On 16/05/2020 at 7:44 AM, flowboy said:

I'm seeing the connection more clearly between the content that I consume (be it porn or otherwise exciting films or podcasts), and the mental interruptions that follow in the days (weeks?) after.

Hear disturbing news on a podcast interview once, get mentally distracted about it every day and dream about it for the next weeks. What a hidden cost! Is that worth it?

And movies and series, same thing: watch an episode, it's cool and fun, but then those characters come back to haunt my thoughts and make my life seem boring in comparison, again and again and again...

Sounds like you're doing amazingly mate and you're nailing those cravings like a beast. Inspiring stuff to read. I totally agree with the above regarding the effect these things have on your mind and how they come back and carry you off again, with powerful imagery that won't budge. Reminds of the acronym GIGO, garbage in, garbage out. If you're getting that controlled as well...that must be really helping your sense of tranquillity. The biggest culprits for me have been horror films. I had imagery from the film Hereditary in my mind for months. 
 

[flowboy]

@Wisebaxter  Exactly! And thank you

It's a realization not many people have, I think. Finding the creepiest or most 'realistic' horror movies used to be one of my interests. Would not do that again. I avoid any unsettling content now, whenever I can.

Not sure I'm even going to go back to following a series on Netflix again. After the initial withdrawal, I hardly miss it, and reading and just 'being' are more exciting now.

 

Caffeine Blues

I recommend the book. Reading it right now. One of the first exercises in there lets you calculate how much caffeine you (used to) consume daily.

My daily caffeine consumption used to be between 1000mg and 1665 mgs of caffeine a day!

Yeah. So no wonder I was complaining about trouble sleeping all the time.

So this is between 3 and 5 mugs of coffee. People don't realise that a sizeable mug of coffee holds over 300 mgs of caffeine, which is the maximum safe amount where you probably won't have severe heart arrythmias, according to research.

Natural High

[12pm] Hard to describe how good I feel. I've been on a natural high all morning.

Up since 5, remained fasted until 12. I drink water with lemon and vinegar, herbal tea, and ginger tea in the morning and while working.

It's like the meditation, the consistent clean diet, the intermittent fasting, the success affirmations and the Freeletics workouts, the no-caffeine and the no-PMO are all coming together to create the perfect state.

This comes very, very close to the euphoria on a light dose of amphetamines, without all of the side effects. I feel calm, coordinated, and effective. None of my usual anxious thought patterns bother me. I have no insecurity or negative feelings whatsoever regarding dating. Normally I'm slightly bothered during the daytime with whether it is okay that I'm spending time alone, does that mean I'm undesirable, should I be dating, I don't know where my next sex is coming from, blah blah blah... Now that that's shut up, oh my god. Is this how great it can feel to just "be"?

Another thing apart from the quiet mind, is the amazing physical coordination. I'm not bumping into things anymore, not losing my balance, putting my feet just right. I'm doing some light carpentry and it's very noticable how smooth it goes.

Also my energy is really very high compared to what I'm used to. I vaccuumed and mopped the place, and it was fun. Normally I'd be sighing and groaning at all of the reaching and bending. I would do it, but it would feel like a chore, and I'd want a break after.

I recommend everyone to try not cumming for 2 weeks and combining it with exercise and clean caffeine-free diet. Wow.

 

Edited May 19, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Okay so I went back, for 2 days, to my former habit of putting on youtube videos of people talking/giving advice while doing other stuff like shopping, or eating, or chores. And I'm regretting it already. It's suddenly super hard to get back into concentration again, focus on work. My body is literally contorting because I crave distraction. I want to switch on my phone and watch videos while I stuff my face.

Didn't know this thing was so hardcore Noted.

So I suppose ... well, what is a good rule? At least not to have video or podcasts on while doing other stuff. I'm getting the sense that that is very very bad for your brain.

And, well to not watch videos unless I need them for something. I'm not sure I can stick to that everyday, but that would be for the best.

 

[flowboy]

Okay to rest?!

[2pm] I'm in a sort of weird momentumless state. I did my whole morning routine perfectly, then after breakfast I somehow started reading a book (Caffeine Blues, it's hair raising!) instead of the stuff that I had planned so carefully. I'm not feeling mentally up to it/ready and wakeful.

Potential explanations could be that I did not eat my usual clean diet yesterday and this morning. Or that I'm just in recovery from years of screwed up sleep, all the deep sleep phases I missed because of caffeine.

Did Leo's Forgiveness exercise while washing dishes. I like it and I think I will try it again and maybe do it once a week. I've had a lot of anger from past events resurface lately, so maybe this is just the right thing.

Edit: I was just super mentally exhausted. I spent the rest of the day in bed and slept 11 hours that night. Deservedly. It's just harder to recognize, because there was not the depressive "super uber hopeless exhausted" feeling that caffeine gives you.

So being tired comes in a different flavor now. Interesting. It's very similar to when you get off sugar, hunger comes in a different flavor and you have to learn again to recognize it.

But I decided it makes sense: apart from Sundays and the odd weekend I haven't allowed myself any kind of break for at least 6 months. And I'm not completely comfortable with it: there is a judgment that anytime I'm in bed during the day, I'm being lazy. However, I'm getting over that by seeing it in a different way.

I used to think that to get where I want to go, I have to expend more energy than I currently am. That I can never rest. When I think of that, I am reminded of the exercise they make you do when they teach you to swim, where you have to keep your head above water without using your arms. (I hated swimming lessons, what a nightmare that was).

This idea probably originated from the time where I was procrastinating for most of my free waking hours. I'd watch Netflix, knowing that I should be working on my goals. And to compensate for that dissonance, I felt really really guilty, and imagined how hard I would work later. The joyless paradox of procrastination: you can have your leisure now, but you can't enjoy it. You have to stress yourself out and feel shame while you do it. How relaxing.

So here the idea was created that I would have to work crazy hard when I stopped procrastinating. And you hear of all these entrepreneurs making crazy hours. No way it's okay to rest, right?!

Plus, all the years of procrastination, all of the watching youtube until early mornings, I have a debt to make up for! I can never rest again!

So that thought has gotten me pretty far, and I'm grateful for that, but now it's time for a new idea.

The idea that whatever I want to accomplish, is possible with a healthy amount of energy output. I can put all that I have into it, all my waking energy. But not more. I shouldn't have to abuse my system with drugs and lack of sleep, and borrow energy from my future health.

It's good to cut out everything essential, and have clear priorities. But then the natural energy that freed up is enough.

So when I need rest, I will rest. I will not watch movies instead of going to bed, because that would be a waste. I will just go to bed.

 

Edited May 24, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Hypnosis and mother issues

A friend is becoming a hypnotherapist and has asked for practice patients, so I asked him to do a session with me about hypochondric tendencies.

This has revealed some interesting things that I have to write here to put them together for myself.

I'm probably not going to recount the entire session. Just my interpretation of it.

A very good question that the guy asked me in preparation, was: what is it bringing you? In other words, I have these moments multiple times a year where I obsess and panic about a strange health symptom for weeks or months, until a doctor (and sometimes an x-ray or even weirder procedure) tells me to stop. This is obviously very stressful, but what could be the subconscious reason to maintain this pattern?

To be clear: I'm not making them up. There have been very strange symptoms, muscle tremors, aches and pains, numbness, you name it, that when I'd tell a friend about them, they'd advise me to see a doctor. So I'm by no means a bullshitter in the obvious way. And I don't really bother the doctor until I'm very very scared. But still, I bet the mind-body connection is powerful enough to make my nerves misbehave in a way to create those symptoms, if there were a subconscious reason to.

Is there?

Resurfaced memories

My mother expresses love through worry. And worry, mainly of the navel-gazing kind, has been my default way of connecting to her/getting attention from her. If I wanted attention, there were two things I could do: I could get attention from my father with an interesting idea, or I could get attention from my mother by expressing worries. And she'd always, always respond with this softness that knew no end. No matter how tired she was, I could always come sit on her lap with some story. [This makes sense because she was raised by a borderline mother who was mean and gave her excessive disapproval, so her survival strategy became to make herself small, maintain very low self-worth, and please, please, please. She became an anxious pleaser in response to her abusive mother. I think her borderless pleasing prevented her from drawing up a healthy boundary with me, and allowed me to become a bit of a narcissist]

She wanted me to remain an innocent, sensitive boy. Her little oversensitive sweet kid that could do no harm. I was rewarded for soft behaviour, and I learned that any sob story would get me unlimited love and attention. So I'd sit on her lap and express worries, and she loves worries because worrying about me is how she expresses love. It's part of her love language.

Now this is a delicate balance, and I know many people incur damage from not being able to come to parents with things. But in my case, I learned that complaining about little aches and pains and problems was the way to connect to female figures and get love. I was the kid that would not actively befriend other kids but loved to sit on the female teacher's lap.

Then I remember a moment in early high school where I expressed my worry that I had skin cancer (because of a tiny red mole) towards a female classmate. I expected the same kind of limitless patience and understanding, but instead she told me that it was bullshit.

Then going back even earlier, to primary school, there was a girl in my class that I was sort of friends with. One moment I distinctly remember, I was standing on a bridge talking to her, and I had to cough. Then I uttered something like "Oh, my poor throat!"  Upon which she stuck her tongue out and made a mocking sound, meaning something like "stop complaining you pussy"

This was shocking to me. I remember how shocked I was there. It shook my world.

And it was confusing as hell. Because at home, my endless narcissistic sobstories would be met with infinite patience by my mother. And then I tried to connect to females my own age in this way, and it wouldn't work. What the hell was going on?

My mom was so proud of me being sensitive. I was her sensitive little boy. Sensitive was good, she rewarded that and the more crying I did the more love I got from her.

So I started pretending I was crazy. I put pieces of toilet paper on my toothbrush and said: "Look, I'm insane!" I spit on the floor in friends' houses. Convinced that this would get me even more love. It was also a strategy to avoid the rough sea of social interaction at that age.

Umbilical cord

And so in puberty it started to dawn on me that the way my mother liked me best, I would get spit on by the outside world. I started to not trust my parents. I projected that if I got bullied, the way they raised me, well then they probably got bullied themselves, never figured out how to deal with it, and so I was on my own. Listening to them would only get me in trouble.

I decided I needed to defend against bullies and become strong. I was allowed to do judo or fencing (did fencing for quite a while), but I suddenly didn't trust that anymore. It was too soft. I wanted to do kickboxing. But that was disallowed by my parents. My mom thought it was "too aggressive"

By now I was certain that my parents were on a mission to make a weak, soft pussy out of me who would get stepped on and victimized all his life.

Although that was not their conscious intention, to this day I believe that I wasn't far off.

Unfortunately, my mom had been traumatized by her brothers fistfighting when she was young, and my dad had been bullied by his older brothers quite badly, and as a result, both of them basically hated masculinity. I had no one to turn to for examples of how to defend yourself, be a strong man, "tough". These desires were disapproved of at home, but the abuse I took at school proved to me that something like that was necessary.

The hypnotist asks: "What do you want to tell your mother?"

I want her to stop making choices for me. Any life choice I faced, be it the colors of my clothes or the way to spend my gap year, were influenced by the options she presented. And part of me wanted so badly to believe that my mother was always right and just pick the options that she liked. And the other half of me distrusted her softness, distrusted every choice she ever made for me, and wanted to get rid of her influence. Cut that umbilical cord. But I was also addicted to it. Being her sweet little sensitive boy was a comfortable role I would retreat into during hard times. To this day, I'm ashamed to say that even at 26 years old I would call my mom crying because I felt lonely, and endlessly go on about my feelings to her on the phone, not really asking how she was doing at all. Retreating back into this world where my mom knows what's best for me.

It's disgusting, but that's what happened.

And the connection to health symptoms? Remains uncertain, but what I have realised is I enjoyed so much to tell my girlfriend about this terrible thing that was happening to me. I enjoyed to make my boss worry about me a little bit. I don't make a big deal about it either, I act tough but leave little clues that make people ask what's wrong. And then I tell them casually, like it's no big deal. But if they respond with worry, ooh, very enjoyable.

[flowboy]

I'm suspicious of myself lately that I subconsciously tend to favor the hardest way to do things. Effectively wasting a lot of effort on details because I believe that it's "supposed to be hard"

Being thorough is one of my qualities - the flipside is that I feel compelled to be unnecessarily thorough, which results in inefficiency. Doing tasks in a week that should take a day. Feeling good about myself because "I'm working hard".

[flowboy]

[not 5am] I slept in until 7, and I don't regret it. I'm going to be lenient with myself here. I think that I've got some catching up to do on sleep.

Coffee would be nice. It seems like that is the thing that would give me motivation. However, I've had good motivated work flow without it.

Can't really explain the moodiness.

Yesterday I craved to watch video, any video, and eat things meanwhile, any things. So I did.

And now, in the morning, I crave it again.

But it's strange, because a few days ago I only wanted to read.

I've also consumed some added sugar that was on some dried fruit. Maybe that makes me moody and craving other things too?

In any case, this seems like a good moment to course-correct. Maybe if I don't allow any video watching today, I can steer the ship around before it becomes a huge backlash. Let's see.

[flowboy]

Just watched this and found it entertaining but there's something absurd about it. Clearly, these people are exhibiting all the symptoms of a hardcore addiction: heavy withdrawal symptoms, and rationalisations about how it makes them a better person and everything. It's quite disturbing to watch.

How can they be okay with being addicted? I just don't understand it.

The only things I want to be dependent on are food, water and air.

First comment nails it: "Documenting a socially accepted addiction relapse"

[flowboy]

Sugar binge

Yesterday, I bought dried fruits that I suspected might have had sugar in them. And yoghurt.

Today, I bought those same dried cranberries, knowing they had sugar, and bought processed yoghurt with sugar, and also a fruit smoothie.

Work ethic wise, I'm a mess today. I can feel the processed yoghurt stuff sealing off my brain like plastic wrap. Next to that I'm also on a massive sugar binge, which is causing all kinds of depressing thoughts. I feel awful and work seems so boring I could cry.

And I've wasted the better part of a day browsing forums and internet. I'm being paid to work. I feel guilty

Damn it. I better go back to detox mode. I was happy and productive, being restrained.

[dharma-shishyah]

If that is what you really want, then awesome. But... could it be that you are using rigour and discipline to fight your feelings of depression? Why fear, or otherwise censor, those feelings? By labelling feelings as "depressed" we allow ourselves to treat them as abnormal and somehow not corresponding to reality. But that won't make them go away, or at least it won't make the underlying cause disappear. Maybe you should consider dealing with the feelings and concomitant thoughts, rather than repressing them. (I am not saying this is an easy fix. But at first, just let the feelings be, don't fight them, and don't fight the ways they affect your behaviour. If you really must fight, then fight your own negative judgments about yourself.)

You also seem to loathe yourself for being unproductive and unmotivated, but you can't beat yourself into a (truly) motivated state. You're either motivated by/for something or you aren't. And if you're unmotivated, no wonder you're being unproductive.

I am sorry if this is unhelpful, but I just get the feeling from your tone that you are starting to doubt whether what you're doing is effective. And I think with good reason.

Edited May 27, 2020 by dharma-shishyah

[flowboy]

Morning!

Up at 5am again. Did my run. Curious to see whether the workout will help against my body wanting to move all the time during the day.

Yesterday, after being at work for 10 hours straight, then coming home... there were a bunch of dishes. And I decided to do them before going to bed!

This is definitely thanks to quitting coffee. Before when I used to drink it, coming home after such a long day, I'd feel empty and probably resort to alcohol to ease the comedown.

[flowboy]

Why is it that being super pumped and excited causes me to binge on food?

I feel like success is so close I can almost touch it, and in my excitement I spontaneously went to shop for sugar.

So it's not that I'm straight-up gorging on garbage, but I am eating irrational amounts of chocolate, dried fruits and yoghurt products.

[flowboy]

I've noticed I don't really fall asleep until 10-11pm. That's when it starts getting dark and cool.

For the past couple days I've just turned off my 5am alarm, to see how long I would sleep. Turns out it's about 7am.

Today I slept until 7:30, and I feel sharper and more refreshed than I can remember feeling in a long time.

Which begs the question: is the 5am thing worth it?

Well, if I can't fall asleep around 8-9, then no.

I'm willing to try for another week or so. The curtains I ordered could make a big difference.

But if not: why swim against the current?

 

The reasoning for the 5am thing is this: to start a business next to a job, it's good to be working on it every day. Even on days where I'm at work for 10 hours, I really would like to put in an hour for myself, just to do it every day, stay connected to the mission, affirm the entrepreneur identity, and keep my subconscious actively working on problems in that domain. And to avoid the "Now, where was I..." moment on the weekend.

I am attached to the reasoning that your priority work deserves your freshest attention. Therefore, it's better to do it before the day job starts, than after.

And I have a bunch of activities like working out and meditation in the morning. Tally it up and the conclusion becomes getting up super early.

Which I am fine with, unless I'm structurally making short nights.

I'm seeing another way out, though: lunch breaks. I can take hour-long lunch breaks without a problem, since I get paid for net time. I just have to stay longer.

Add that to the fact that I'm actually not at my sharpest in the early hours. Rather, I've noticed that around noon is when the creative engine starts kicking into gear for me.

It's pretty clear what I have to do.

Edited June 2, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Insights

Some things are clicking for me. I'm having a calm overview on the reasons my life has started out so fearful and neurotic.

False assumptions, basically:

• An intense fear of becoming boring. "Whatever I do, I must not become like those boring [adults] whose days are all the same and do not even have time for hedonistic enjoyment", I vowed.
  I saw people stuck in uninspiring jobs, and wanted to avoid that. I did not see, however, the people devoting their entire lives to one passion, getting the highest enjoyment out of their total immersion.
  To my unwise eyes it looked one and the same. No variety, not worth living. This was the first false assumption.
   
• An intense fear of choosing the wrong path. "I have only one life, so I must choose the path that leads to the most success", I resolved. I thought of success as a result in terms of both financial and hedonistic abundance.
  
  I falsely assumed that there was only one, or a very select few, paths that could lead to the kind of success I wanted, and if I had a natural propensity for some other passion, well then Fate had screwed me over.

I have loved to play drums from a very young age. One day, I realised that "the frontman of the band gets all the girls". I was furious upon this realisation. Fortune had put me on a path that was less likely to pay off.

I immediately started taking singing lessons.
For a while after that, I dreamt of being a successful musician. Then I found out that very few musicians actually "make it". I realised that I needed money, to acquire the hedonistic pleasures that would save me from having a boring life.
I decided against pursuing music at all, because it didn't seem likely to pay off.

When it was time to choose a direction of study, the choices were overwhelming. How to ever choose the right path. I started by taking a gap year, and went to Spain for some hedonistic enjoyment, which I valued highest. After that, I selected in my mind the highest purpose I could think of (saving the planet) and then made an enormous effort to rate all the study options on several criteria, amongst which how well they fit with this purpose, as well as chance of job success.
When I had finally chosen something and gone on to college, I lasted 4 months.
After that, I had already figured out that there was no guarantee of getting a good job after the program was finished. The first four months I had found the knowledge that was taught there not deep and comprehensive enough for my liking. I didn't trust it.

The years after that, up until right now, have been broken up by regular crazes where I am suddenly convinced "it's all wrong", I'm on the wrong track, this is not the path to success and riches, and this is cause for panic. Time and again I uprooted my life, moving cities, in a panic to avoid the dreaded wrong path.

These false assumptions also interact with each other. For example, one time not long ago I panicked again and started studying the most difficult subject I could find. Completing this very hard degree must surely put me on the right path.

Then the phobia of having a boring life struck. I realised that I had to study, for 3 years, with little vacation time in between. How was I supposed to live a hedonistic lifestyle? And it wasn't like the drudgery was over after that. Most people continued by working in a lab. A lab!! No natural light. White coats and glasses. This was clearly a huge mistake.

Determined to rescue what years of hedonism I had left, I resolved to once again quit my studies, move cities, and pursue programming. At least as a programmer, I made good money, had ample free time, which I could use to have all of the hedonistic sex and enjoyment that I valued.

I was happy for a while. Until a mix of ambition and dread knocked on my door, too loud to ignore: working a job, I would be a wage slave until my old days. And I did not believe in retirement.

Once again, I realised it was ALL WRONG...

 

 

It took embracing entrepreneurship as my new path for me to finally realise the value of sacrifice and mastery. I really can't do it all, but if I give it all up, maybe I can do one thing well. Mastery takes devotion and a lifestyle that looks boring to the unwise youth. But actually, the greatest enjoyment really is in being really good at something, and losing yourself in it. I've just spent an entire day programming, in an empty office, by myself, and had more fun than I would have had going out to a nightclub, or even relaxing on a beach, or whatever I thought was so important. I wouldn't say it's better than sex, but it definitely lasts a lot longer.

Am I on the right path? Sure, but any path can work. The likelihood of success doesn't depend on what I do. It depends on how I do it. If I believe in myself and don't quit, it doesn't matter which path I choose. I can chip away at it, honing and learning every single day, putting in the time required to finally achieve greatness, and with that will come so many hedonistic distractions that they'll become...boring.

Edited June 4, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Making my way back from an ego backlash here.

Spent 6 days making a presentation. Some of those days I worked from 8am until 10pm. That part felt great.

But when I finally did it, I got the corporate version of booed off the stage. Collegues keep wanting to tell me all the things I did wrong. Going: "I wouldn't say it was bad, but ..." Quite infuriating.

But that's part of the process. I learnt an important lesson (qualify and align expectations) and that's that.

During the work on it, I 'allowed' myself coffee at one point. Unfortunately, that led to a spree. I wouldn't say I'm addicted again, but I don't have the will to stay away from the decaf in my cupboard currently.

The days after the disappointment, I also ate a bunch of ice cream, drank some beer, a lot of yogurt with sugary stuff, and I even skipped a workout.

My evening routine was never firmly established, so that was the first to go. But now my morning routine is also about to be broken down.

Yesterday, I walked around in the pouring rain, hoping I would see a person smoking that I could bum a cigarette from. When I did see one, I didn't ask though.

But it's like 10am, I am unshaven, I slept until 9:20 and have no plan for the day. This trend has to be reversed.