Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

First stage of quitting smoking: a very, very fuzzy mind.

Second stage: intermittent moments of sadness without a reason

[flowboy]

Stuck to the no smoking. Watched youtube early in the day though. That was a mistake.

Also had one coffee. Don't give up too many things at once.

Tomorrow: video free day and entering day 3 of the smoking quit. After day 3 I expect to be fine.

I/we need some plant medicine.

[flowboy]

Why I hate cleaning:

1. I can never do it to a level I'm satisfied with. Some stains just stay. What's the point then.
2. It costs a lot of time
3. It's not exactly playing to my strengths, in fact it's a waste of my time
4. I'm not efficient at it
5. It makes me wet and uncomfortable and feel incompetent

The first person I'm going to hire is a cleaner. Specialists are so much better at it. Stupid wasting many hours on it and doing it wrong anyway.

[flowboy]

Why I like cleaning:

1. It teaches me to focus on the process instead of the result, because the result is never satisfying or good or lasting more than a few moments anyway
2. It allows me to listen to podcasts while still doing something useful
3. It teaches me humility, because it's one of the most basic jobs, yet I can't do it well
4. It invites me to talk to this pain body that feels frustrated, disadvantaged, enraged
5. It makes me uncomfortable. It's good to do uncomfortable work every day.

[flowboy]

Smoking = Pickup = Acceptance = Love

I just saw a hot girl in the supermarket and was completely triggered.

A simultaneous impulse to:

1. Say hi, make conversation and remember/prove that I'm cool and likeable nowadays
2. Hide, run away, knowing I am not showing up fully, and being ashamed of that. Everyone can see that I'm not showing up fully, and I'm ashamed, but but being comfortable in that. Suddenly I project this person as judging me, being above me, seeing how small and flawed I am.

Usually when this strong trigger happens, I do either of these two things: I make conversation or I don't.

The times where I make conversation, it doesn't matter whether it leads to anything, it's an experience that proves I was accepted, and I am so excited and proud of myself for breaking through, that my friends hear about it for days.

This also happens when I have sex with a new person. It's proof that I was accepted by somebody who to me represents people from the past who didn't accept me, and I rave about it for days.

Or, option number two, I don't make conversation, and I feel shitty about myself for the rest of the day.

Which is also not normal. To see someone vaguely attractive, and then feel bad and ashamed for not approaching them for the rest of the day.

When the opportunity is very clear, for example I have nothing urgent to do, and the person seems unoccupied, this shame spiral is very pronounced.

When I see someone in passing, where there is not a clear opportunity, for example someone on a bicycle, I get a little hit of shame that affects me unconsciously.

I didn't get an opportunity to prove that I would be accepted.

Every attractive woman creates a tiny hit of shame and unacceptance.

 

It happened in an instant. I chose to not say hi, as I usually don't nowadays, and I immediately felt such a strong impulse to smoke, that I asked two random people for a cigarette.

As she's rolling it for me, I make conversation. I'm not bad at making conversation anymore, but it's still coming from an endlessly low place. I feel so low and lost talking to this person, it's like I'm standing at the bottom of a deep well, and she's at the top looking down. I fidget and hide, I don't make good eye contact. I want to escape.

Upon lighting it, I realised why I do it: it's a patch over the feeling of being accepted, which I lost.

When the chemical enters my bloodstream, for 30 minutes I now don't feel ashamed and inferior, and I have no problem saying hi to strangers and feeling comfortable talking to them..

I prove this to myself by saying hi to someone on the way home. No shame or anxiety. Just calm, happy, 'why not' type of feeling.

 

Addiction is a compensation for something you lost.

In people who have experienced a traumatic event or period, the serotonin system and/or dopamine system don't work so well.

For me, it's the base sense of acceptance that I lost.

This explains why making a short conversation with a hot girl caters to the same craving for me as smoking a cigarette, which otherwise makes no sense.

But it provides me with the neurochemicals that someone without this kind of trauma has by default.

For 30 minutes, it's all okay and I feel accepted, and I can talk to anyone without a problem.

I've been bullied quite heavily and for a long time.

I've been pushed down and beaten in primary school. One time, boys conspired to lock me in a closet for an hour, and after that I cried, and a girl in my class, the only girl I somewhat trusted, saw me crying and called out to my other classmates: "If you want to see Erik cry, come watch now!"

I was alone and could trust no one. Accepted by no one.

In high school, there was a girl I was madly in love with (crushing on hard, let's say, I was 13). I wrote her love letters and gave her roses, which were met with disgust and insults. She called me a nerd and started to be mean to me online, telling me I had no life, I had a boring life, I was a boring person yada yada.

This same girl stood by and watched while I was beaten and abused by an older guy in school, he pushed me down and I tried to kick him, which didn't work.

She stood there and laughed.

 

It's really not that strange that I found a solution in smoking cigarettes: the nicotine made it bearable how alone and unaccepted I felt every day.

It enabled me to talk to people while I smoked, because under the influence of nicotine, I didn't feel this pain temporarily.

 

Suppose I would heal this somehow. And I didn't project a mean, unreachable, superior high school girl onto every attractive woman.

And suppose I would not wonder about whether she'd accept me. Suppose I would just know that she probably would accept me.

If I would just have this knowing, that she'd probably be delighted to have my attention. Then there would be no reason to prove that she would accept me, either by talking to me or by having sex with me. Probably there wouldn't be such a massive dopamine hit associated with it.

 

Would I still crave sexual diversity?

Would I still fantasize about living in a castle full of women who accepted and adored me?

Would I still fantasize about orgies? Or anonymity?

Orgies and anonymity are basically two ways to sweep the issue of acceptance off the table.

When I think of an orgy, it becomes an acceptance orgy in my mind.

 

There's no way to predict who I would be without this trauma.

 

 

Edited September 19, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

How you do one thing is how you do everything

I'm painting over some damaged walls. I am sure that I am wasting my time. Because I can't do it right anyway.

But I'm doing it. Because if I made the effort, I can run back to mommy and say that I tried.

My paint job is ugly. Splotchy. I'm not using tape, and I should have.

The color doesn't match the wall, but I'm pretending that it does.

As I paint, I notice myself not focusing on a single spot, but jumping all over, looking for quick wins. It's almost impossible to do one spot well, and then move on.

The plan is to throw my hands up and say "I did what the document said!' (with the color code), intentionally not read it very well but cherry-pick some details that make it look like I'm innocent and honestly misunderstood. I'm playing dumb, basically.

I'm almost certain that the landlord will bill me anyways for having to paint over the entire wall now.

And then, because I made some pointless awkward effort now, I get to throw my hands up and feel like a victim.

I'm setting myself up for an unpleasant result that I'll pretend to be surprised about, after which I get to wallow in victimhood.

 

Now what should I probably do? I think to make this look good, the entire wall has to be painted over, which is much easier and cheaper to leave to the professionals and just pay for it.

Also, the wall is damaged because I glued on some strips that hold the fly net in place.

Did I know it would damage the paint if I ever ripped it off?

I didn't think about it. I was so much in coping, so much in panic and pain because of sleepless nights, that my plan was to just apply these strips and hope for the best. And if they cause damage, then just throw my hands up: "It's impossible to do anything right! I'm suffering and if I want to do something about it, and it has consequences, then screw the entire world." It's either take the panicked action, from a place of coping and urgency, and have it go well, or throw up my hands and cry about it. No responsibility taken.

 

It always worked with my mom.

I'm so manipulative.

As long as I could look like I tried, it was good enough for my parents.

So that's how I do a lot of things now, when they're hard, or when I don't know how to do it properly. My plan is not to ace it. My plan is to exert reasonable effort and then let people know I tried, and hope they take pity on me.

Doesn't work so well with other people as an adult.

 

Having soft parents also has its drawbacks. This is one. Sloppiness and half-hearted attempts were always accepted. My dad is a DIY-everything guy, who loves imperfect quick-n-dirty solutions, so how could he disapprove. I turned it into an even worse pattern: making a show of the effort, assuming failure, and then expecting and demanding acceptance for it anyway, using my half-hearted effort as an excuse.

Edited September 20, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Me in a nutshell.

At least, a side of me. It was more pronounced when I was younger.

Nobody told me that spending all my money was bad

Nobody told me how to talk to girls

Nobody told me how to keep my place clean. Or my clothes

I BLAME MY PARENTS FOR EVERYTHING

What an attitude... but hey, that's what it was. A coping strategy that arose out of pure panic and powerlessness. I am what some might call a "late bloomer", which in my case meant that my ability to socialize and understand and care about people developed very late, as did my executive functions (organizing, strategizing, self-control, etc). What do you do, when others are able to do what you aren't?

I alternated between considering myself deeply flawed and blaming my environment for not teaching me life skills.

[flowboy]

I just went through all my enemies, my bullies, my perpetrators... and forgave them one by one.

They needed someone to beat up. We all need a win sometimes. I'm happy for them.

I visualised myself carrying my younger self away from a dangerous, no-win situation. I did not need to be there at all. With people who did not care about me, and people who were looking for someone to vent their aggression on.

I gave myself the martial arts classes that I needed and never got. I gave myself the brotherly protection, kicking away all the bad guys for him.

I visualised myself as an angel, wrapping my arms around my younger self and also my perpetrators, and comforting them all like they were brothers and sisters and I was the parent.

I've been through so much shit, man. I've been publicly shamed, humiliated, beaten and mistreated more times that I can count.

And I'm in the process of becoming okay with it.

It's okay. I love them. We're all playing the same game. That was their role, this was mine. We played them well.

I even forgave my parents' perpetrators, who made them what they were, passing on some shadows to me.

I'm happy to carry my part. I love them all.

Now, I feel totally raw.

I want to curl up in a ball on the couch, wrap my hands around my knees and do nothing of importance for a long time.

Edited October 15, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I'm in bed with a fever, and I feel mentally insane.

The work I've done, re-telling my life story in the past week, has been ... opening up old wounds, shining light on very dysfunctional patterns / defense mechanisms.

To what point can a person be fixed?

Literally 2 parts of me are shouting at each other, wanting different things.

One feels at home, the other will never feel at home anywhere.

What did my childhood do to me?

Why do I have so much jealousy, ungratefulness, envy boiling all the time?

Why do I feel totally fake at times like this?

Why did my dad have to tell me that I have "weak genes" and am bound to be a loser?

Because that shit cut deep.

[Raphael]

I can't completely imagine how you feel at this moment, but you have my support.

I resonate with your feelings of feeling inadequate and of feeling fake. My dad also told me enormously that I was weak, dumb, and won't go anywhere in life. The pain comes and goes, come and goes, until it finally goes. Even though this moment might be difficult for you, I know you'll go through it and get better. You have my support.

[dharma-shishyah]

Dear flowboy, don't take it to heart. We are all broken, we are striving for wholeness but this can't be done in a day (or a year). The only important thing to do is stay in the fight.

[flowboy]

I am feeling the pain of my younger self.

CAN'T TRUST MOM

CAN'T TRUST DAD

They are sweet but they can't protect me.

They can not help me get what I want.

It seems they are in some sort of plot to make me into a loser.

I was born with a certain weakness and ineptitude to survive in this hostile world, and I am screaming for help, but they won't, BECAUSE THEY ARE IN ON IT.

 

NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME.

 

NOBODY.

 

God, why did you put me here, if I don't have the potential to do well?

If your plan is to make me into a tragic weak loser, God, then I'm sorry but I am going to have to sabotage your plan.

I will create my own sexual and financial success, even if NOBODY ELSE WANTS ME TO HAVE IT.

 

Can't trust God either.

Every parent figure, arcetypal or not, seems to be part of a plan to make me play the role of a meek, beta servant.

Why wasn't I born with more fight in me?

Why did I let kids push me around on the playground without doing anything?

Why didn't my dad care? Or know what to do? Why did he shrug it off, instead of teaching me self-defense?

Because he was weak.

Do I blame them for putting me in multiple schools where I was beaten and abused?

All the while telling me that it's not so bad, and to turn the other cheek?

Refusing to help me defend myself?

Or do I blame myself more?

 

Here's what the entity in me says, that was created back then:

Quote

 

This is far from over.

I want to kill every one who created me.

I am a creature of suffering.

And I will make myself known.

 

 

I got very conflicting messages in my childhood.

My parents said: you must be sweet and sensitive and harmless,

but the world says: you will be abused and oppressed for being that way.

And you will never win anything, or gain respect, and no women will want you.

I didn't even know if I wanted my parents' approval, or the worlds' approval.

I chose to shoot for worldly success, and to do that by fighting everything that I was.

Trying to change myself as much as possible: after all, if the way I was, was how my parents approved of me, but the ones telling me to just be my sweet and sensitive self, also had no clue how to defend me, or themselves, from aggressors, or to be socially or sexually successful...

then it's easy to think being myself is wrong, my parents don't know, the bullies are right. I need to change and become mean and angry.

 

Yeah, no shit I don't feel ready to be a father.

My own father didn't even think it was important to make me strong enough to physically defend and protect me.

No no, he thought it was inevitable for me to get beaten up in school, because that's what happened to him.

So he just sat back meekly and closed his eyes to it.

 

 

No wonder I don't trust authority.

No wonder I don't trust any 'mothering' or fatherly type of energy to give me advice. It's always: "yeahh yeah, you say you mean well, but you are part of the plot of making me into a weak loser. I can't trust anybody but myself"

I can't trust anybody but myself.

And what did 13 year old myself think was important?

Being popular, and sex.

Can't be a loser when you're fucking new girls all the time.

So that's the move. Hedonism was a great way to rebel against my father.

Especially when I felt him becoming jealous, for the girls I fucked.

That was sweet revenge.

He hurt me first, by being so weak and trying to make me the same.

 

So whenever I start to feel too much at home, and I'm getting nudged in a certain direction, whether it is my university, or my girlfriend giving me well-intentioned advice, I just shut off and go "Yeah yeah, fuck this, you are trying to weaken me. Sex is the only thing that matters"

I'm stuck in constant rebellion.

Anything that is main stream, or anybody that my parents would approve of, are part of the plot against me, to victimize me, weaken me, take my manhood away, or basically: to deny me getting my needs met.

No wonder I rebelled against my girlfriend so hard when she got along with my parents so well.

No wonder that the parts of my vision board that I feel the strongest motivation for, are actually the parts that are there to annoy my parents.

Getting insanely rich, to annoy my parents.

Fucking an insane amount of women, to make my dad eat his heart out.

 

Other, more benevolent goals I have, feel a bit more distant to me.

I guess because my parents would approve of them.

So I can't really trust that, can I.

Only the hedonistic goals feel completely mine.

 

 

I just remembered: my parents gave me my first self-help book.

That's how I got onto the treadmill of accumulating ever-more habits, that almost made me good enough.

What a gesture.

"Here son, here's a book with principles for life that we failed to embody, but hey, do as I say, not as I do, why don't you.

All the misery you've gone through is your fault, after all."

It was with the best of intentions, but it got me obsessed with all these principles I had to embody in order to be a successful human. It gave me an activity to project the feeling onto, that the way I am is fundamentally flawed.

Shortly after, I designed my first morning routine.

Edited October 21, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

So much of my perceptions are through the lens of: this person is a real alpha male, with actual good genes, and this other person is not. Or I am not.

I've been trying to make life choices to prove to my Father that he was wrong.

That the weakness dies with him.

And unfortunately, he seemed to be right in some cases: I had to run away from bullies at many instances, and the times that I didn't, I got the shit kicked out of me. The most extreme example being when I fought three guys in a street fight and lost some teeth. Setting myself up for failure, because proving my dad right meant that I at least still had that connection. I was still at home somehow.

That could be the contradiction that has been taking up so much energy. I want him to be wrong, so that I can be successful, but I want him to be right, so that he is still my dad who knows it all.

If you are poor, and at the losing end of a deal, you are noble. Winning = being mean and wrong.

I'm sure he wouldn't put it that way, but that's the message I got as a child.

I was talented at some things, but always second place. Now it makes sense. Saying "I want to win / I deserve to win" anything, feels totally alien and weird.

Every life choice has been evaluated using the test: but can that get me to the top somehow?

Never mind whether I enjoy something or whether it makes me happy. The only thing that matters is whether this path can help me become top dog in some way, and spite my father.

Edited October 21, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

@Raphael @dharma-shishyah  Thank you both, that means a lot.

[flowboy]

In other news: my friend David offered me a cigarette, and without great effort, I did not take it. Nor did I keep thinking about it all night. I was in doubt over it, sure, but it didn't seem worth it.

I guess that recent LSD trip where my girlfriend was standing over my death bed as I died of lung cancer, really did its work?

 

Edited October 21, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Did an integration exercise after doing shrooms with my girlfriend.

 

My entire identity with all its quirks are being deconstructed.

 

Why do I never trust the mainstream option, and have to compulsively be different? It makes sense given in my childhood and highschool years, I was never accepted into a group. But I tried liking mainstream things in order to be accepted. It not only did not work, it got me more disliked and mocked.

 

Why did I have this need to mention in every conversation the sexual experiences that I've had? Why did I keep a list of names for so long, and feel in competition with my friends? Even though I was the only one who was competing? Because I had a friend at 13 who would brag about his sex life every day and say that we were worthless losers for being virgins. Every day. And we looked up to this guy.

So I learnt: having sex = winning at life. Not having sex = losing. And that's the paradigm through which part of I still sees the world.

Great career? Fulfilling family life? Meaningful life purpose? hmpf. Yes but are they slaying pussy? Otherwise: losers.

No wonder I quit university, because I figured this career path of being a scientist or inventor would get in the way of getting laid, which would still make me a loser!

Why did I put chicks up before the open windows while fucking them? So that random people on the street could see that I really was not a loser.

Why did I have sex in front of my friends?

Why do I not mind at all, and even like it, when details about my sex life get mentioned to people I don't know?

So that my 14 year old friend knows that I have a sex life now, and I can get his validation.

As a 16 year old, the guys in the class watched HIMYM and did Barney Stinson quotes a lot. As usual, none of them liked me or wanted to hang out with me, but I thought maybe if I understood that show, I could talk to them. I watched that show, and I perceived Barney to be the only winner. I took what Barney Stinson said as gospel. I soaked it up in my identity, integrated it. It planted the seed for the attachment to sexual prowess goals later. In the show, he is depicted as a bit of a comical fool, a caricature of someone with superficial values, adopted after trauma, that don't make him happy. But I did not see the 'not happy' part. Nor did I see the clown aspect of his character. I just perceived him as the only cool guy who had it right, and the other characters as losers, with their stupid 'families' and 'children' and 'settling down'.

Makes sense, if you completely devalue human connection and intimacy. Which I did, because the world rejected and stomped out all my requests for it.

I'm currently learning/becoming more aware that being deeply intimate in a relationship feels totally different from being shallowly intimate in a one night stand. And that it makes me happy, content, feel safe, and gives meaning. Which totally does not fit in the world view of my hurt 16 year old self.

Oh my god. Isn't marriage even stupid anymore?

We watched a wedding video yesterday and I cried my eyes out. It was beautiful.

What the hell man. Everything I believed in order to survive, is now wrong?

 

The "get laid or be a loser" meme then connected to my dad's remarks about me / us having "weak genes" and "would never survive in the wild / in a tribe", people like us could not be dominant/successful.

Which tied in with my experience of being misunderstood, mocked, shunned, bullied and beaten everywhere I went, and whatever I tried.

No wonder there's still a haze between me and the concept of meaningful work, and the only vision I could clearly feel strong motivation for, was all about sex and money.

 

Summary of what my hurt inner child said:

Quote

My parents can't or won't help me with how to make friends, and everything I try myself goes horribly wrong.

They won't or can't help me win affection from girls, and whatever I try myself gets me spit on, humiliated.

They won't or can't help me deal with aggression and self-defense, which is a very important topic apparently, because I'm getting beaten and pushed around. Everything I try myself goes horribly wrong to the point of everyone hating me / more humiliation. I feel alone and abandoned by my dad. Why would he put me on this earth without survival skills. I have none, and I'm not being helped. He closes his eyes to it and sends me to the torture place every day.

I can't be popular and no one is helping me. Wherever I go, I become the scapegoat.

I can't win romantic affection and no one is helping me / telling me how to do it better.

I can't fight and am being pushed around and beaten every day.

I am not fit to live on this earth. And so I don't want to.

This is why I don't react enthusiastically when people expect me to.

"Why aren't you smiling? Why no enthusiasm in your voice? This is good news!"

Because I can't be socially or romantically or physically successful, no matter what I try, and my parents don't care. I was born wrong. I don't want to live. You asshole. That's why.

There is apparently something wrong with me.

I knew it when my dad threw his shit into the car and screamed that he would never come back.

Me and my mom were not good enough for him anymore. I don't know what we did wrong.

 

The exercise we did was: we lied in bed, me in her arms.

She embodied a motherly, unconditionally loving figure. (Not my own mother)

I embodied my 3 year old me, my 5 year old me, all the way to 17, and at each stage I got to ask questions I never got to ask.

She reimprinted me with loving and accepting responses and reassuring me that in the future, I would get everything that I was lacking now.

It was very nice. It's too early to tell what the effect truly was.

Also very insightful to find out how strong that pain was, the "I can't survive and no one is helping me. I'm being beaten and my parents don't care about defending me / helping me defend myself".

 

I suppose this has to cook for awhile, and then I'll be a different person

Don't even know who anymore, man... This is so trippy

[flowboy]

Am I in lack of money because I eat so much food, or do I eat so much food to confirm and maintain my lack of money?

Did my metabolism adapt to my beliefs?

Everything is on the table now.

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, modmyth said:

There is a lot of very direct, emotionally raw, self-questioning going on in your last handful of posts that I read. It seems to be cutting right to (or at least, very close) to the heart of it. I think you're doing great work! 

Thank you, that's good to hear.

 

3 hours ago, modmyth said:

while also having this feeling of "they are doing their best" (specifically in the case of my own parents).

Indeed... there's not much to criticize my parents on honestly, they are the nicest people. Just with blindspots and unresolved stuff. Just like most people in their early thirties.

3 hours ago, modmyth said:

I totally get that feeling of not being able to trust my parents, authority figures, and people in general as a sort of first imprint...

That's the most trippy part! As long as I can remember, I have believed that I was naturally distrusting of authorities and groups and mainstream anything. But now some clues are appearing that could be pointed to as causes.

 

[flowboy]

Lessons of today:

• I can take all the brain supplements I want: if I actually need a nap, they don't do shit
• I tend to get exhausted and leave unprocessed notes on my desk after a meeting. Leaving the cleanup for later is quite deadly because it creates overwhelm. I need to get back my habit of leaving things clean and finished.
• I can always, ALWAYS get into a state of flow / access concentration, however foggy I feel.

[flowboy]

Notes to self.

I've been more integrated than ever. My woman notices it. I notice it.

My addictive tendencies are pretty much gone. They are gone. It's the weirdest thing. I've had quite hard work pressure on me, while I was alone in an apartment where coffee also was. And I did not drink it, nor was I really tempted. That is unheard of for me.

I haven't smoked my pipe in over a week. It's my birthday today, so I thought I might try it. It's nice, but then I quickly put it down because I had to stand in the cold. Also unheard of. Even though pipe smoking is not addictive in the sense that I develop a compulsion for it, I still used to enjoy and steer towards the nicotine high. This time, I had a couple puffs, didn't get any high from it, and decided to put it down anyway. I never would have done that before. Also had a crazy experience earlier, where I was about to smoke it, but then I couldn't find the lighter, and I thought: well, whatever, guess I won't smoke. It's tobacco!!! I'm usually very disappointed if I promised myself I could use it and then I can't. This time, just mild relief. What the hell man.

 

What have I done?

• The life story exercise was very important: recording it all, listening and taking notes, finding common themes
• But then the childhood-mother spaceholding exercise we did really finished it off. I really feel like a different person after that. Here's where I discovered where I developed a split.

Here's the split.

I just cried watching the movie Captain America, when the father gave his son strong guidance. "Always be honest. Treat a woman with respect." Et cetera. I never got strong guidance. But I craved it. I also cried when during Primal a substitute father figure gave me guidance.

Guidance is what I was missing when I wanted to be socially successful (not get bullied) and romantically successful (have girls accept and love me instead of mock me and be mean). I looked towards my mom and dad, and realised that they also did not know how to be successful in either of those areas. They're not good at making friends, or at dating, or at being social.

I saw that at a young age. When everything you try, for your survival, goes horribly wrong, and then the parents also have no guidance, then it feels like you shouldn't have been born. I interpreted it as: it's a mistake that I was born, I'm unfit to survive, I don't want to live. (yeah, no shit I wasn't very enthusiastic about things, that story)

The "I don't want to live" stuff came out during the childhood-mother spaceholding exercise. That went deep, I realise now.

Anyways, that created the split: following what my parents seemed to want for me, I could not get what I wanted, so I started to distrust them and look elsewhere: what the cool kids were doing. Which translated later into trying to fuck a lot of women and wanting to become filthy rich. And strong and big and aggressive, I suppose.

Here's the insight: that created many of my ADHD symptoms.

I did this one thing, didn't finish it, then did the other thing. But they weren't random things!

It was the one personality, who wanted to make parents and society proud, starting a University course.

Then, when things didn't look so rosy, (and I had winter depression), the other one took over, and I quit. Because I couldn't get rich this way (notice the other value set there)

Then later I found myself pursuing women and having a job. I found a job I really enjoyed. But then personality A came up again, and said: you are not complete without a university degree. Make parents and society proud. So I went to study again.

After 4 months, it was the season for winter depression again, things didn't look so rosy, and personality B took the opportunity for a coup: "All this studying is never going to lead to fucking lots of women, being rich and admired. Better quit"

So I went back.

 

Yes, "fear of missing out" is an aspect of it, but it goes deeper.

The fear of missing out is not random. It is connected to something I was really missing at some point when I was young.

There's not random things we fear missing out on. We are looking for what we were dearly missing at a point in time where part of us is stuck.

So yes, this can't-trust-parents split caused me to be two people in one body. It really showed during parts work.

And since forever, nothing I did has felt fully meaningful to me. Only half meaningful. The other half didn't care.

I've only experienced finding things fully meaningful in the past week.

 

We've been doing a lot of sex magick lately. Let's call it divine father reimprinting.

 

Other things that are important, besides the life story exercise and the childhood-mother spaceholding exercise, are also the TNT exercise where you get to hear things you needed to hear, and are held, and also the Primal exercise where you get to hear things you needed to hear from the father.

 

This shit is fucking powerful. I feel really changed in a permanent way. Primal shook things up, this brought it to a close.

- Parts work was helpful as well, but I didn't resolve it during that, it kept agitating me

- What I did, was I hugged my other part in my visualisation, and promised it that I would always give it what it needed (feeling like a winner, strong, on top). I think that also contributed.