Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[Michael569]

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

I feel pretty focused and mentally clear on a combination of reishi and cordyceps now

hey, what dosages are you trying? 

You could consider adding Ginkgo extract to that mix as well I've had some nice results with one or two guys with it. 

[flowboy]

@Michael569 Thank you!

Psychedelic truffle: 0.5 grams (not comparable to dried shrooms, they are fresh)

Cordyceps and reishi: 2 grams

Rhodiola: 1 gram

Edited July 21, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

My Friend Lisa's Funeral

The sadness has had its way with me. Now, all that's left is love and gratitude.

There was a slideshow being continuously projected on one of the walls. It was pictures of her, as I had known her, and of her as a child. And videos of her, dancing, being happy and cheeky.

It got me every time. I couldn't look at it without crying.

 

The dress code was: orange, or otherwise colourful. No black, no suits! People were dressed in hippie clothes. An entire community of spiritually minded people, all whose lives she had touched in a significant way. All together to celebrate who she was.

 

At first, I felt myself most drawn to other people who couldn't hold their tears. I don't know how some people kept it dry. It's just so fucking sad. And it has to be sad. I feel like it's supposed to be this way, that it feels like you will never stop feeling sad. That's what is right.

 

The speeches were heartbreaking and funny. And a little cringe here and there. Stories that I could recognize, really. That's so her, that's who she was. Some guys had had remarkably similar experiences with her. This was a very complicated amazing person.

 

There was one guy, with a really likeable face, who made an awesome speech slash poem. Then he, like others, would address her directly - turning towards her body that was posed on stage - and break out crying. And that would get me too.

Every one misses her so much.

Towards the end, I got to talk to mr. Niceface. He apparently had had an intimate connection with her until the end. Which is a hard burden to carry, because then there have to be things that he could have paid more attention to, he could have called her more, told her he loves her more. Paid attention to her cries for help.

I touched his arm and told him I understood. There were also things I could have done differently. But I am only human. And those things were not the right things.

Again coming back to: not knowing the future is what enables one to be authentic.

If I had known she'd kill herself, I would have done anything to prevent that. If I had known for sure.

I never expected her to actually go through with it.

She had come home after stepping in a deep puddle of mud. Put her feet up on the couch. He asked her to wash the mud off her feet. She went to bed, still with muddy feet. She had tied a knot in the arms and legs of a stuffed animal, which had been a disturbing sight to see.

And he had been busy with some long lost friend visiting him at that time, and just put up the hard boundary: "Don't put your muddy feet on my stuff".

Instead of listening to her message: "I feel like shit, I am twisted up like this stuffed animals' legs are twisted up. You care about your stuff getting dirty? Fuck your stuff."

I feel for him.

I also ignored her being dramatic at certain times. Because all the drama had gotten too much for me, and I had to draw a boundary.

 

She was such an inspiration to us all though.

I want to listen to her Spotify playlists and remember what she taught me. Loosen the hips. Go where you feel that you must be. Listen for what feels pure.

I want to keep her pictures and her voice messages in a dropbox folder, so that I can always come back to it.

I really do feel like she is with me in some way. Like some part of her has been integrated into me.

 

This was such a healing experience.

I'm glad I had the courage to read her a poem I wrote and make a speech.

I'm glad I got to connect with all these people who loved her too.

It feels like I've been to a party. A sad party.

My feeling right now is not unlike the comedown of an MDMA trip.

So much connection and healing happened.

Warm, toasty body.

Good night.

[flowboy]

I feel like such a complete human.

I'm thoroughly content with who I am.

I almost feel a bit selfish for experiencing so much meaning from processing tragedy in a group.

[flowboy]

I change my mind all the time. I changed my mind at least four times about writing this down or not.

I feel super clear in a strange way. No thoughts about future/past. I should be sleeping because tomorrow working I guess, but it doesn't matter to me. There is no tomorrow morning.

There is just now. And what I feel. The many things.

- deep gratitude

- leftover sadness and grief

- connection

- appreciation for people

- appreciation for life

- appreciation for who I am

- loneliness

- disappointment

I'm seeing colors around things. My vision is sharper than normal. My movements are more elegant.

I could do things so elegantly right now. I wouldn't make a mess. The movements are fine-tuned and measured.

I don't have a need to fill space with sound. I'm focused on eating my banana and typing.

My body feels soooo good. Toasty. Symmetrical. Completely at ease. Belly breathing feels heavenly.

I'm so at peace, I have no thoughts, except what I'm typing right here.

Also, heavy topics aren't heavy. Death is beautiful. Sadness is pleasurable.

 

My partner can't understand me and is tired of listening to me. It feels selfish and cold.

Nothing what she says is quite right. It's always not that, but something else.

I'm not mad at her, but there is always something wrong with what she says. Some way it disappoints.

I thought there was no end to being held, but there's a time limit apparently.

My experience is so rich that it takes a long time to express. My partner needs space. It makes me furious.

I can only think of dramatic reactions. Reasoning is very hard right now. I can, but  I don't want to. It's like ugh.

Yeah, sure I "get it" logically. Sigh.

But let's explore all these feelings more!

So interesting. How is it not interesting to my partner? That pisses me off. YOU HAVE TO LOVE ALL OF ME.

You need space? You don't have space for what I'm going through right now?

It feels like work to listen to me? FUCK YOU.

 

The kind of sex I would like, would have someone else in the leading role. Someone should overwhelm me with something. Make me have an experience.

 

 

I just want to connect to people more. Give more people long hugs. Empathize with them. Cry with them. Support them.

 

Seriously, I feel like the last hour of an mdma high, physically.

I've smoked more than half a pack of cigarettes today, but breathing has never felt so good.

Wrap your beans around that.

Edited July 22, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

 

I remember thinking: Okay NOW I'm really done.

Done with spending time with people I don't resonate with.

Done with settling for being the odd one.

I'll find my tribe anywhere I go. I trust that now because I feel valuable and complete.

Won't stop until I do.

Edited July 23, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I want to allow myself to value my sleep so so highly, that I don't even consider taking a meeting in the middle of the night, or extending a phone call past 22:30.

 

I want to allow myself to have a productive start of the day, that I feel great about, and feel like I've already done enough by 14:00pm, by sticking to my morning routine. And starting it on time, so that I feel relaxed and early/on time.

 

I want to remember that psilocybin microdosing should not be overdone on days of cognitive demand

[flowboy]

Sometimes I LOL at my own insights.

"No, you can not take psilocybin to wake up in the morning."

[flowboy]

The Netherlands!

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, Myioko said:

A no-excuse effort and focus of energy in dedicating the first 7 hours of my wakeful hours towards aiming to be productive and not giving myself excuses not to do a certain thing. 2ish hours for my morning, then 5 hours to work on other things. Any 'breaks' I have during that time will be for listening to my body, refreshing my mind and energy. I won't be surfing the internet then on my breaks, I can do things such as ... journaling, going on a walk, jumping on the trampoline, playing with animals, taking a 15 minute nap, reading a few pages of a book. I don't want to give myself entertainment breaks, because I don't want looking forward to entertainment to be on the back of my mind, something subtly looking forward to/distracting me as I do whatever I deem productive. I want to be fully focused as I can be on what I decide is important to work on that morning/early afternoon.  

This is such a well-worded explanation of how to get a good start in the day.

It's pretty close to the "no notifications before 4pm" habit I had before.

But it needs more nuance, like: breaks are okay, but not for addictive activities, like surfing the internet, scrolling through social media. But reading, napping and walking are okay. Journaling too.

And I had a checkmark on my habit tracker to cover these things, but then I made it for the whole day. So I couldn't even watch a video in the evening.

I think that was too extreme and I started to miss it.

It's probably best for me to start with the lowest dopamine activities early in the day, and save the most addictive ones for later, like 6-8pm.

Not too late either, that would interfere with sleep.

Perhaps 6-8pm do the social media / messaging thing (I need it for business reasons), then 9pm watch videos if I want to, or a documentary, 10pm read, 1030pm sleep.

Time to redesign my day again. Here we go.

[flowboy]

Nightmare

I was going to get fired!! For not working hard enough.

My manager confronted me with doing nothing and starting too late on my tasks.

He showed me screen recordings of my screen, had been watching me for months.

I had to beg for a last chance.

 

So funny because I always fear that I'm not working hard, that I'm not contributing enough, et cetera. That's kinda my thing apparently.

Even though I'm perfectly able to complete my work, and I contributed something really essential yesterday that no one else in my team is able to do.

Still, the ADD shame. I don't have a robotic sheeplike focus like the rest, so I deserve punishment and shame right?

Hah.

I see shit coming that others don't.

I make improvements before others can even conceive of them, in ways that most people can't.

Because I don't think linearly, I am the source of breakthroughs.

[flowboy]

Hmm, this Cordyceps is some strong stuff.

As always, I'm detoxing from a caffeine binge, and I had quite a problem with basic cognition this morning.

Took 2g of cordyceps. Now I feel quite strong, analytical, powerful. I'm taking the lead in meetings and analyze everything the quickest and everyone just agrees.

That's something I normally only see after day 21 of semen retention. But I'm on day 5 again. Or perhaps I kept enough this time to not collapse all the way to zero?

There is anecdotal evidence of Cordyceps raising testosterone though. So I'm attributing it to that.

 

The bad news: the quantified-mind website is letting me down. I've been taking cognition tests there after taking different supplements, thinking they would make it easy to analyze performance based on different factors. It seems buggy and unusable, though. No graphs are showing up unless I select multiple experiments. Which makes no sense.

[flowboy]

Catalysts to say what has never been said, to SEE what has never been seen.
To draw, paint, sing, sculpt, dance and act what has never before been done.
To push the envelope of creativity and language.
And what's really important is, I call it, the felt presence of direct experience, which is a fancy terms which just simply means we have to stop CONSUMING our culture.
We have to CREATE culture.
DON'T watch TV, DON'T read magazines, don't even listen to NPR(Radio).
Create your OWN roadshow.
The nexus of space and time where you are NOW is the most immediate sector of your universe.
And if you're worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, then you are disempowered.
You're giving it all away to ICONS.
Icons which are maintained by an electronic media so that, you want to dress like X or have lips like Y...
This is shit-brained, this kind of thinking.
That is all cultural diversion.
What is real is you, and your friends and your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, your fears.
And we are told: "No!" "We're unimportant, we're peripheral" - get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that, and then you're a player.
You don't even want to play in that game.
You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that's being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world.

Where is that at?

-Terence McKenna

 

<3 <3 <3

[flowboy]

Finally Admitting Defeat: Screw Big Habit Trackers

They don't work.

My friends and professionals have been saying it for years, but I wanted to verify it for myself.

If habit trackers work, then they only work if only one or two of the habits is new, and the rest is already ingrained for at least a month.

I've been working with over 15 habits at a time that were not fully automatic yet. Thinking: I could do them, it's not that hard, and when I do, I have a great day. So why start small?

Well, I must conclude that my already ingrained good habits have been getting dragged down by the weight of the new ones, and everything turned into a mess over and over again.

At some point, I must simply admit that this doesn't work. Only 1 thing should be new and challenging. Maybe 3 at the most. The rest should be so automatic that I don't have to think about them at all.

 

That does mean that I need another list of "habit reminders" or "good behavior ideas" for throughout the day. They would remind me of things I can do to make my day better, but not feel like an obligation. Because I'm not focusing on them. Because focusing on everything means focusing on nothing.

[flowboy]

The premise that sleeping with lots of women will bring you happiness and fulfillment...

Read that in a recent thread.

Before I can even reason about it, a voice arises:

Quote

"BUT WHAT IF that actually makes me happy, bro, what if that is my CHOICE, what if it is my creative expression to make my life about sleeping with lots of girls, what if I'M just a lover of FREEDOM, I have always liked extremes, what if that's just WHO I AM, what if I just don't want to SETTLE for the LIMITATIONS others set for their life bro"

Ah, the sleazy salesman in my subconscious.

It's always with me, next to me wherever I go, when it's not allowed to speak, it mutters to itself impatiently, waiting until it is HIS TIME, a time where I feel really low and am susceptible to his sales pitch. Then it rolls out the screen, sets up the projector and sells me on the dream. Once again, here we go.

I can tell you don't feel content, and I'll tell you why. You've been a loser for way too long, Erik. We're gonna change that with my simple 3-step system. Are you ready?

> Sigh.

Alright then! Here we go. I'm about to change your life. *pulls out pointing stick*

Step 1. Make lots of money

> How much?

Doesn't matter as long as it's enough for step 2.

> Alright. How do I make the money?

Bro are you LISTENING? Questions at the end please.

> Ok, ok. What's step 2?

Step 2 is use that money to get bitches. Throw parties yo. Be popular and shit. Finally it will be your time, bro. In high school you were unpopular and got bullied and laughed at, you'll have your revenge now, several times over!

Are you taking notes? Good.

Step 3 - fuck the bitches. This is where we actually solve all your problems. It will feel so good bro.

> Alright, I'm trying to follow. But what kind of bitches do I invite to these parties?

Oh man, just the ones that made you feel like they too good for you man. Just the ones you whacked off to before, and can't talk to in the street because you feel so inferior. Those ones.

> Does it matter whether I like them? Are there any personality traits or other qualities I should look out for?

Bro, nah, keep up! Just the ones that used to make you feel inferior, bro. You know the best sex is when you feel inferior and like you are getting something you are not entitled to!

> Wait... I'm confused. That's the kind of sex that makes me cum right away... when I'm not feeling worthy. Why is that good sex?

Bro, the faster you cum, the better! That's why.

> How is that better?

Because then you FUCKED HER bro, the sooner that happens, the sooner you can say that you fucked her, and move on to the next! It's a simple efficiency logic.

> Wait ... Say it to whom?

Alright, let me get to SECRET STEP NUMBER 4... * flips chart *

> There is a secret step number 4?

You tell the guys you went to high school with bro. You go and tell them how many girls you fucked. And how hot they are. You tell everyone, tell the whole world. Basically make them feel like they made you feel.

> Wait, I'm not in contact with those guys.. How do I approach that? Do I send them a letter? Knock on their door to show them pictures?

It's all social media today man, don't be such a grandpa. You throw these parties, fuck the bitches, invite your friends, show THEM your success, so they also get to fuck bitches. Then let the others know on social media that they didn't get invited, because you're the boss now, bro, and you decide who gets invited! The in-crowd is now yours.

> Wait, I make my friends fuck the bitches?

Yeah, what part are you not getting?

> What if they don't want to? Most of my friends are in relationships.

That's a sham, bra. Relationships are weak-sauce. It's for people who are afraid they can't get LAID bra.

> Oh kay... So actually my friends don't want to be in their relationships? And you want me to throw these parties and tempt them with orgies with hot girls, to admit they actually want what I have? Wouldn't that be making them choose between their relationships and me?

Yeah bro, now you can be single together again. See, now you get it.

Long term relationships are a scam, it's all about being a boss player. They don't admit it but they actually wish they could be like that.

> Hmm.. What if they don't want to be like that because they have better things to do? Like their business and their family?

All of that is an excuse for not being a boss player bro.

> What if it isn't?

What if what isn't? Are you going to sign up for my 4 step program or not?? *glances nervously at stack of order forms*

> What if they are actually more satisfied building their life in other ways than chasing girls?

Then they're fools. Sex is the only experience that matters. Gives you pleasure, gives you status, keeps the bad feelings out.

> You know, there is another way to keep the bad feelings out. One that doesn't require that much chasing.

Sounds like a scam to me, but I'll bite.

> You can actually keep the bad feelings out by loving someone deeply, being deeply loved, spending time with a few select friends who you love and who know you extremely well, doing fun activities that are actually relaxing, and building up a project of your own that absorbs all your creativity.

Yeah, I've heard that propaganda before. I'm not falling for it again bro. Tried that shit in high school, all it got me was rejection and being laughed at.

> What if the world has changed since high school?

Keep dreaming. The world always works the same way. You don't get love for being yourself. You have to prove yourself.

People want to sell you on this dream that you can just be yourself and still get love. It's BS bro, and the people saying that are actually not happy.

> They seem pretty happy to me.

Hey, where are we going with this?! What you're saying doesn't make any sense bro, you're brainwashed by the mainstream. You're trying to justify your own loser position, and your lack of game.

To reiterate, you don't get love in this world by being yourself. You get it by proving yourself as a boss player. Over, and over again.

We will do this in 3 simple steps.

Step 1...

> Alright, good talk. I'm not sure I'm ready to sign up for this program right now, but let's continue our conversation. We will keep talking, and whatever we decide to do together, I promise we will both get everything we want!

I'll make sure of it.

Bro you've literally been saying this for 15 years bro. Sometimes you get halfway through my course, then quit. Then we have to start all over again bro. You're like the worst student I ever had! Amateur numbers.

I can promise to keep listening, and we will work out a deal that makes both of us happy. It may not be exactly the program you prepared the presentation for me about, but if it gets both of us what we want, it's still a good deal, right?

Hmpf.

*mutters something about limiting beliefs and betas*

Alright man, I guess a win-win is still a good deal. Although I doubt anything else can work. But let's keep talking. You're my only prospect, anyway.

> Alright, so we have an agreement. I appreciate you. Thank you for looking out for me.

Too little too late, but I'll take it. I [unintelligible] you too, I guess. Next time then.

Edited September 10, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Do I just want to be a technical cofounder of something?

 

I've always told myself: "I need money, I need money first, I need money first"

 

But do I?

If I'm VC funded, I can be a startup without having money.

And apparently it doesn't even make sense to invest all your money into the development of your own tech product, if it's massive.

More efficient to take an investment round, risk some of other people's money, then make it back and then some at the exit, than trying to make tens of millions some other way, just to be able to fund your own product business.

That's so backwards.

Why have I been telling myself I need to save up millions before I can make my ideas real?

Oh because... I'm actually insecure about my ideas.

See, I didn't go to university, so I'm afraid that my ideas will look stupid in front of people who did... AHA.

Edited September 10, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Documenting Backlash Comeback

Had a good conversation with my roommate yesterday. He mentioned some research that said that people can generally handle 1 drastic stressful change in their life, in one time, in a healthy way. Maybe two.

That kind of explains me taking a journey back to some unhealthy behaviors for the past 2 weeks.

These are the changes I'm going through. Although they are individually very good, together they have proven to be too much for me to handle without a backlash. And I'm okay with it, but now I'm ready to climb out.

1. I'm moving to a foreign country
   1. Where I don't speak the language very well
   2. I also have to figure out how to move a business to a different country, which is complex
   3. I'm leaving all my friends behind, with the promise that I'll be back for regular visits
2. I'm going to live together with the love of my life
3. I'm planning to go fulltime on my coaching and get enough clients to be able to quit my job this year. I've hired someone to help me get there as efficiently as possible. Very exciting, because I won't be split over different jobs anymore, so I can't wait. Very daunting, because it will involve a lot of hard work. While also finding our new rhythm in our relationship. And learning to live and handle myself in this new country.
4. I have been fighting the conditioning of my younger self, which has turned into a monster of a shadow. Conversations we had around monogamy were the trigger for that to come to the surface for one last fight. Years ago, when I was in a lot of emotional pain and lack, I promised myself I would never be monogamous, and have anchored that into my identity day after day, year over year. And today I find out that it's really in my best interest to be devoted to one woman, it makes me the most happy, but it's a total obliteration of who I always thought I was since I was 20.
   And this shadow doesn't care about my happiness, really. It just wants to get what it was promised.
   So I have to do a lot of work there. And on top of that, it's understandably difficult for my woman to stay open during all of this, just because of the topic of it. So it's straining our relationship too. And I don't have a lot of time to do this work either, because of all the moving related stuff.

It's just a lot... just a lot.

For the past 2 weeks, I've been:

• Smoking
• No consistent bed times
• Not planning my days
• Not working out
• Not keeping up with my system, so I'm always lowkey overwhelmed. Basically working in urgency all the time.
• Forgetting about semen retention

So basically going down a deep hole.

Am I back where I started? That's what is often the fear during a backlash.

Of course not. I know what I'm capable of now. I know how to function well. I don't let this affect my self-worth. I can tell when in conversation with others, I still connect well, there's no social anxiety, there's no sense of unworthiness. I get done what I have to get done, and I'm taking care of a lot, actually, albeit not in the healthy and calm way that I'd like to. I have no doubt that this will blow over soon, and no fear that I will keep these unhealthy habits. It just doesn't feel like me, so it's unsustainable. It's more like a blast from the past: my habits are matching the habits of my 20 year old self, who is unhappy with the life choices of my 28 year old self. Interesting.

But still, a bit of shame has been creeping in. It's hard to avoid completely, when the cognitive dissonance of mistreating my body, even though I clearly am capable of making healthy choices, becomes too much.

So it's time to give myself a little push by documenting my way out of this.

• I just threw out all tobacco, and will not smoke from now on
• I cold showered this morning
• I lifted some weights yesterday

Today after work, I will clean my inboxes and make a new plan for the month, so I get that sense of control and overview back.

 

Ego Check

I came across this piece of wisdom: People who put themselves in a position to be seen as experts, are vulnerable to start believing that they are immune to what they are helping others with. Because it creates a bit of an echo chamber, where the clients all confirm this image of you as an authority who doesn't have to expend effort anymore.

• Doctors get asked for health advice all day, and it makes them feel like such an authority, that they start to think they don't need to spend effort to take care of their health, and get fat and diabetic.
• Psychiatrists are about twice as likely to commit suicide as non-psychiatrists. Why? Because they, as a psychiatrist, are embarassed to seek help with their own mental health.
• "Enlightened masters" get worshipped too much, and they don't feel like they have to keep doing the work on themselves anymore, and start cheating on their wife, or misbehaving in some other way.
• AD(H)D coaches start believing they are such an expert, they don't need to plan their day anymore or keep their basic health habits. This is definitely one factor in what happened here.
  
  Because if I look back a bit further, it's clear that the increase in number of clients coincided with me taking my own systems less seriously. That was even before all these stressors hit.
  
  I'm actually glad that I'm learning this lesson now, having still a relatively low number of clients. I can still serve them well while I recover and learn my lesson. It would be way worse if this happened only after my schedule gets completely filled, and I have no time to reflect, and start feeling like a fraud.

It can also be boiled down to this: Helping others with advice, creates a bias to not take it.

Something I will have to remain wary of during my entire career.

Edited September 15, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Tomorrow will be a video free day. I need a reset.

[flowboy]

Felt myself spin out into irrational thoughts yesterday evening. The usual pattern:

"I'm a bad employee for getting very little done today, but I will make up for it by sacrificing my sleep"

The cigarettes are back for another day. I called a friend and got some reassurance and perspective.

Got a good night's sleep.

Did the most important thing when dealing with shame: I admitted openly to my coworkers that I was unproductive yesterday. It wasn't as big a deal as it was in my mind. That always helps.

Still feeling good about the video free day today. Being okay with the present moment and my own thoughts is the first step to clarity.

Also, without the video distractions and on a good night's sleep, I can put in an honest day's work today. I'll feel good about that.

From there, I'll clean up my system, make a new plan for the emigration, and quit the caffeine and cigarettes after that.

I'll be loving towards myself and allow myself to come back step by step.

Edited September 16, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Committing to a video free day made me feel much better yesterday. I got work done and felt calmer.

Today I feel even more stable, so I decided to do it again.

Just got rid of cigarettes and coffee, don't need them anymore.

I'll keep drinking some green tea over the next couple of days.