Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Am I creating drama because I'm feeling low?

The undeveloped feminine: I don't feel lovable right now, so I'm going to make you prove your love for me by making you jump through hoops.

I'm good at making up hoops.

What can I do about this except have awareness. So I will.

I was making such a solid point though. Not nonsense. But the energy behind it ... icky.

[flowboy]

Focus on what I can, not what I can't

Focusing on what I cannot, instead of what I can... is a pattern that is rooted deep in me. It's in everything. I noticed it when I tried to drum with my pinky finger. I could not. And so I obsessed over it.

Finding out something I can't, makes me obsess. It's been like that since childhood. Or at least puberty. I even remember making that decision as a child. "I feel like I am powerless and can't do anything I want to do, SO NOW I WILL MAKE MYSELF DO ANYTHING I CAN NOT DO".

Did a lot of drum drills that I did not need.

Did a lot of weird exercises that nobody needs to do. Made a lot of impossible training schedules.

I could have just drummed with a different finger.

 

I'm still focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do have. And whenever I do that, I feel cramped, stressed and like it is never enough.

Yeah, big surprise there.

 

I want to be able to just "let it go" when I notice I don't have something or can't do something. But it's hard, I'm inclined to obsess over it instead. And then promise myself I'll fix it later. Which is never. Because the amount of work is infinite. But at least I don't have to face the lack of something, or the limitation.

 

I created/developed some neurotic tendencies that I feel my parents had not a lot to do with. Such as this.

Encounter a limitation.

Don't have X, unable to do Y.

Don't want to face the real world, want to stay in unlimited fantasy land.

So just tell myself: "I will just whip myself into doing [unrealistic amounts of work] later, so that I can have this particular power/skill/desired situation.

 

It's everywhere. For 10 years I told myself that I would start saving money later, which would make up for spending everything now. I told myself that I would finish these difficult studies later, so that I would not have to accept that I gave up. 

Moreover, I told myself that I would become a Master Pick-up Artist later, so that all my failures of the present would be erased. A deal with the devil.

I'm wiser now. Even if I slept with 100 women, it would not heal the pain I created by avoiding going for what I wanted earlier in life. And even as I write this, something in me goes: "But a thousand might do it... You could feel superior to your player friend... Now wouldn't that be nice"

Yes, it's something I used to aim for, but was it really a goal? Or was it a story that I told myself, to get out of showing up in the moment... If I don't approach this cute girl because I'm scared, I will judge myself harshly, but I can make myself feel better by promising to achieve unrealistic goals later. That I'm not even willing to work on in the moment. So they're not goals, they're lies.

I am still plagued by old memories of chances I didn't take, girls I didn't ask out, girls who obviously wanted me but I pussied out of fucking them.

And that is fine, people miss chances, it's what happens. But I feel like I am not processing these things properly. It seems like I've always avoided the truth that "this is not possible" or "I missed my chance" or "I decided not to talk to her" or "I decided to quit university", and instead borrowed energy from the future by making myself impossible promises that I would make up for it all later.

I'm writing this because I am hoping that I am cleansing myself. I've got so many missed-chance memories that I covered up with promises, that were not properly processed. So many situations where once, years and years ago, I thought about doing something but then I did not do it, telling myself: "I will be better at it later. I will return as an awesome god later and this will be effortless". And those are still stuck in my mind and those moments plague me sometimes. Like now.

I remember when I was 7 or 8, I was really into making stuff out of clay. One day I went to hike in the woods with my parents. On the hike, we saw a patch of clay that would be very usable to make things out of, and it had a cool ocre color. I thought to myself: "should I take some?". Maybe one of my parents even asked me. But I could not decide, and we walked on.
That night when I was in bed, I remembered the patch of clay and I cried. I cried so hard, and started to complain that we should have taken it. I cried and complained so much, that finally my dad caved and was about to put on his jacket to go get some of that clay from the woods right now, just to make me stop.

Typical.

Something about doors closing, options not being open, opportunities not taken, that I could NOT stand, and I still deep down cling to the thought that really, I could do ANYTHING if I set my mind to it. Which sounds nice, but in my body it feels tight and unhealthy. And I've been clinging to it for way too long. I remember being shocked when I was a teenager, reading somewhere that there was an age that you had to get started if you wanted to become a professional tennis player. I had surpassed that age, and I COULD NOT DEAL. I remember telling my mom about it, that I could still become a professional tennis player, if I just worked hard on it. The option being closed was insufferable, so instead I invented this scam. Writing checks I could not cash. "Screw my natural talents, those mean nothing to me because I DIDN'T CHOOSE THEM, instead let my elevate Setting Impossible Standards and Stressing Myself Out Demanding Impossible Things as my new self-invented superpower."

Using this proxy, I never had to deal with any real world choices anymore.

This twisted me so far that later I came to see "going against my natural abilities" as the only virtue. No wonder I chose the university studies that I found interesting, but was also the hardest of all, even harder than medicine. No wonder I tried to force myself to be organised without help, even though I knew I had ADD by that point.

 

Wow, it really is everywhere. On a small scale as well. And in the time dimension. So often when I'm in a bit of a disorganised mode where I'm not planning my day properly, I fall back to writing checks I know I can't cash.

Watching YouTube all day while I still have to do something important. "I'll do it later" becomes "I will sacrifice my sleep and stay up all night to do this. It's hard, but I deserve the punishment for wasting so much time". And then I usually keep watching netflix until 1am, when I admit to myself that this ain't gonna happen today. But sometimes, I stay up until 6am. Unable to start doing whatever I'm dreading, but also unable to sleep! Because going to sleep would be admitting that I can't do it today anymore. That's a door closed! Unacceptable. So, better make stressed-out attempts at the task, interrupted with a lot more watching, to numb the self-hatred. I remember staying up watching youtube until 7AM when I had university in the morning. There was something I could not admit that I would not do, so I could not go to sleep. And if I don't watch anything, then my thoughts will torture me and make me do it, or admit failure. So I better keep watching.

I remember procrastinating on meal prepping this way. It took me all night to prep the meals. I started at 1am, and was done at 6 or 7. Watched an entire season of something. Was dead the next day.

Gross.

What a game to play. This is really the essence of my neuroticism.

I even did(do?) it with habit trackers when I was 19. I still have that old habit tracker with 30 habits on it. And screenshots of my To-Do list that had over 60 items most of which had been there for at least a year. And before that year, I used a different system that I abandoned. But I guarantee that if I would have found those old leftover tasks, I would have added those too. Screw being realistic. I have the stressing-myself-out superpower. I can tell myself that I have time for anything!

Having between 60 to 100 items on my to-do list enabled me to flake out on social events and parties. Telling myself "I have so much stuff to do, I can't go". That's what I would tell people. And then I would fret over what I missed out on. And go home and do nothing. Definitely not the things on the list. I would just tell myself I would get to it, but first chill with a cup of coffee and a lot of snacks. In my mind that would be 'preparing' to do 'all the stuff'.

Looking back, it's easy to see the purpose it served. To not go to the social event, and instead get myself some snacks and chill, was all I wanted. If I had been accepting of not being a social butterfly, I wouldn't have had to tell myself I was going to have to do all that stuff. Had I been able to be nicer to myself and have more self-compassion, I could have said what I really meant: "I feel overwhelmed. Too much social interaction depletes me. I want to go home and chill and eat snacks by myself". Instead of needing to have the added stress of this 100 item to-do list I fabricated. Just so I didn't have to face that I missed out on something through my own decision. That I chose no. That I was actually fine missing out. I just didn't see it.

 

Some teachers say that everyone is born with anger over being in a body. Angry about the limitations of it. And this is what creates fixation. Or something.

Well, you could say that every fiber of my being is, and always has been, angry that I am not God. Angry that I am not all-powerful, able to experience everything I want, instantly. Angry that some experiences will not be had by me, but by other people.

 

If anyone read these ramblings, thank you but since they were so long and repetitive I must ask you: aren't you avoiding something unpleasant, by telling yourself that you wanted to read this?

Edited July 8, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

You invoke arguments when communicating even the least bit of judgment.

Only communicating without judgments will be taken well.

[flowboy]

Such a faithful afternoon.

I'm hours behind schedule, but I'm choosing not to stress.

Every little inconvenience or detour, I'm interpreting as: it's happening for a reason.

[flowboy]

I want to live my whole life slowly!

Anything that requires constant stressing and rushing, is not worth doing.

Or, more precisely, I want to subtract things until I have space to do the things that are left fully, and mindfully.

A form of minimalism.

I function so much better when I just go through my day in a chill mode, not stressing about time, taking some time for detours to help people. Not being too strict with myself, but also not going overboard.

Perhaps this will not materialize for a few years, but I've had a taste today and I think it's much better than all the stressing I've done for the past 28 years.

I think I always wanted to live slowly, mindfully and do everything at my own pace. But the school/work mold forced its rhythm on me, it didn't fit me, and I internalised it as me being defective.

Even before I was an adult, I always took a long time in the shower, philosophising about lots of things, taking time to write ideas down. And somehow I have come to see that as "wrong".

Time to unravel that.

What if I just did one thing? Just my coaching business. And spent the rest of my time doing what I love: following my diverse interests, and hanging out having deep conversations with people I love.

What if I only worked for 4 hours a day, unless I voluntarily wanted to do more? I can still build a successful business doing that, if I'm smart about it.

 

Observation: I take a long time to do everything, because I'm thoughtful and get interrupted by interesting ideas a lot

Previous interpretation: I'm lazy, I need to discipline myself to ignore my thoughts, and stress myself out to create adrenaline which makes me do the work faster. It's painful but at least I'm keeping up with the pace I have internalised as 'right'.

New interpretation: I take a long time to do everything because it's a richer experience for me than for most. I need little input to generate a lot of ideas. I function better when I take my time. I am able to do everything much better when I don't stress, and certainly don't have problems planning or prioritizing.

Therefore, I need to do less things, so that I can go for quality over quantity.

 

Oh boy. That means letting go of a lot of goal-fantasies.

But it does feel right.

Edited July 10, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I can't believe my state of zen!

I am behind schedule and will have to do tomorrow almost everything I planned today. And I'm super happy and chill about it!

Because I went about my day relaxed, assumed everything was here to help me, and had time to enjoy it on the way.

Buy some artisanal sausage from a small butchery who had a stand there.. sure!

Answer a call from a friend and have a great conversation... yes!

 

In the store just now, I notice something interesting. I can tune into people. I can focus on any stranger I see and feel empathy for what they are processing and how they were raised, and feel a sense of attraction and appreciation for the men and women I see there. Not sexual attraction... different sort of attraction. I'm taking in their vibe, even though I'm passing them in only a couple seconds.

There's zero shyness or wanting to 'escape' from eye contact. I'm so grounded, so open, that anyone I simply look at, lights up and starts to smile. I noticed this crazy effect at least 5 times during my store visit, that looking at someone just makes them burst out of their thinking loop and light up with happiness.

I recognize that this was always there, but I usually have mental stuff blocking it. Plans, stress, thoughts about having to do X Y and Z after.

But I'm free from it in this moment, and that means I can free other people.

Pretty cool.

 

I think Matt Kahn had something to do with it. Possibly also microdosing 1B-LSD. And most definitely the mushroom coffee I treated myself to: it had Reishi and Lion's Mane in it.

I would love to procure a good quality Reishi extract or powder. I feel so calm and mentally clear, and my intuition says that this is a very good supplement for ADD to take.

 

I'm also noticing that I'm naturally wanting to be super generous and helpful, without really going too far that it takes away from me. I'm helping my roommate with covid, and I'm helping strangers by telling them that it's okay not to rush, everybody has time. Please slow down, find what you were looking for in your bag, and move away from the door when you're ready. I strongly dislike the pressure that comes when I'm in the way of people while looking for something or packing something. Now I got to relieve that for a stranger.

[flowboy]

Radical Experiments in Self-love (#triggerwarning for self-development junkies!)

Yesterday, I had 6 things planned for the day. Instead, I watched porn all morning (didn't cum though), and spent all afternoon journaling.

Today, I had no plan. But I knew what to do. I still "procrastinated" starting until 4pm, though!

Zero. Negative. Feelings.

I'm experimenting with not punishing myself! And it's great!

Just like I hypothesized, not punishing and shaming myself made sure it was super easy to get started when I did!

Before, I would have huge stress and shame built up from so much procrastination.

When I finally did start, it would be because my adrenaline would be going through the roof, and my thoughts would be torturing me so hard, that I was unable to drown them out with watching youtube and being on my phone combined. I probably also would have abused caffeine to the point where I had heart palpitations and felt anxious. And would not be able to sleep at a decent time because of it. And I thought I deserved the punishment of not sleeping, because I had been "bad".

 

Today, I really enjoy what I do instead of the work, and see the meaning in it. I'm exploring ideas. Working out insights. Helping others. Growing and consolidating my ever-increasing knowledge base. None of my time-wasters are useless. I'm simply denying the use I have for it.

I even learnt a lot from watching all that porn yesterday! I experienced it from such a high level of consciousness, that I never have before. Because I was always pulled down by this layer of shame and guilt. It was a spiritual experience that made me feel unconditional love and recognize the divine. (And there was some hardcore stuff too, with metal music in the background)

The porn videos I watched, had an extra layer to it of reverence, and I felt like there were spiritual insights to be gleaned. It deepened my unconditional love for people, the masculine, and the feminine. Sounds cringey but that was my experience, and I like it.

Today, zero desire to watch porn. I don't even need my website blocker anymore.

A behavior is unconsciously repeated until it is fully experienced. Seeing only the good side, or the bad side, but not gaining the insight or the meaning, because of being dragged down by judgment, just makes you want to repeat the experience. In an attempt to experience it fully.

 

I actually am telling myself that I love myself in the mirror, as per Matt Kahn's advice. I think it really works.

 

Did I have zero impulse to chastise myself then? No, the thought was there.

Instead of trying to ignore it, I chose to act it out dramatically. I literally shouted, in a comically exaggerated and overly dramatic fashion: "Oh my GOD, I WASTED all this time!! I CAN't believe it, I'm SO BAD!!" and gestured wildly. But I did it with a wink. In my mind, I'm encouraging myself from the sidelines: "Yeah!! Whip yourself! Do it! Awesome! Well done! Such a nice punishment! Amazing shaming session!!"

Thusly, more fully experiencing my negative self talk.

And because there are now zero shaming thoughts to escape from, I can now calmly decide: "this is not the useful thing I actually want to do", and pull myself away with zero resistance.

 

My working theory is that things like this are crucial for transforming sticky patterns. It's too early to tell whether it works, but it's looking good so far.

 

Edited July 13, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Hilarious attempts at rationalizing away evidence for reincarnation by practitioners of scientism:

The eggheaded guy criticized that reincarnation researchers are biased because they want it to be real. Then proceeded to set up an experiment with the goal to prove that it is not real?

The experiment involved getting children to make up stories, and seeing if those correlate just as well with people that have existed.

Then they picked only the stories that seemed to be very specific, linked them to a real person, and said "Tada, a made-up story is just as easily linked to a person that really existed".

Conveniently ignoring that memories and imagination are very similar, especially children often mix them up. He didn't prove that telling the child to make up a story didn't trigger a past memory in her. To me, it clearly did.

And the older devil:

• "We lost the Christian narrative that helped us cope with the mystery of death, and so we find patterns in perceptions, and pick and choose ideas that give us comfort . [And so that's why we needed the idea of reincarnation]"

LOL? Scientists do the exact same thing, but word it a bit differently. And they don't even see HOW it is the exact same thing.

• We lost the narrative that the atom is solid, which helped us understand (helped us cope with the mystery of) life, and so we find patterns in perceptions, and pick and choose new models that make sense to us (give us comfort/the illusion of complete understanding).
  [and now we have (that's why we needed) string theory / quantum physics]

 

So interesting and devilish how they just reword the same process, to make it sound pathetic.

I used to believe this scientism crap, not too long ago?

 

It's very sneaky. They use the fact that "in believing this, they take great comfort" as a way to discredit it. Conveniently ignoring (or not knowing) that how a belief feels is a good indicator to how closely it aligns with truth.

What a great deception!

I pity these people now (of whom I was one) who force themselves to believe things that are very uncomfortable and cause great suffering to believe. Just because they got brainwashed into thinking that that is the correct way.

Same with hell.  "If you have anal sex, a bearded man in the sky will make sure you burn eternally". Does that feel comfortable to believe? Nope. So the comfort argument really doesn't fly as a way to discredit religion.

 

 

That is a good song tho.

 

Bro...

 

 

If people who died and came back right away (the ones who had a near-death experience, of which many, many great recontations can be found in Shaman Oaks's youtube channel) remember that tunnel, AND children who were recently born remember that tunnel, then how stupid is it to say that the tunnel doesn't exist?

That's like saying planets don't exist because you never looked through a telescope, and people who look through telescopes are crazy.

And "it brings them great comfort" to look through telescopes and believe that we're not the only planet.

?

 

 

Interesting parallel: if you die a violent death, your reincarnation remembers your past life better.

If you are violently awoken from sleep, you remember your dream better.

 

 

Do animals know the things they miraculously know (how to do their mating ritual, how to fly around the earth and navigate during winter trek, I'm sure there are better examples) because all of them die violent deaths again and again, and so they compensate their lack of brain size with being able to retain memory and learn across lifespans?

 

Also what's interesting to me that in these reincarnation stories, the kids stopped remembering from the age they went to school.
What would we remember if we didn't force-feed information to our children?

Edited July 14, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

"hearing voices" is just an awareness of the fact that you aren't thinking the thoughts, that the you is another thought, there's just pure reception.

- mandyjw

I don't hear voices except when I smoke weed. And the voices I hear are exactly like my regular own thoughts, but represented as something external.

This insight comforted me, and if I ever get stoned again, it will make me less scared of becoming psychotic.

Edited July 14, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

It's actually awesome that we have this hyperintelligent man explaining to us how he would govern the world to the best of his abilities.

Because it provides a sneak peek into the dystopian nightmare that would follow if we would let our country or world be ruled by a hyperintelligent machine, and tell it to 'optimize for human happiness'.

Is the goal of government to minimize suffering?

That would loop back on itself and create more suffering.

Government should provide a framework within which for the individual, the healthiest choice (for the whole) is the choice with the least resistance for the individual.

Force should not be necessary.

My interpretation is that Langan doesn't see that because he lacks empathy. So he fails to account for the innate human need for a sense of agency and models people like logical machines.

Edited July 14, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I've taken literally all the nootropic supplements I own together today.

I still feel sleepy as hell.

Nothing can replace sleep. Duh.

(I got up early because I didn't feel like I completed my work yesterday - actually I messed around on the forum instead of working. It felt useful - mostly.)

[flowboy]

Yesterday got up at 5 and started work immediately, to compensate for improductivity the day before.

(I actually did, however. Normally during a phase like this, I would just tell myself to, but then ignore the alarm)

But then was improductive rest of the day because of sleep deprivation.

And then I stayed up and watched netflix until 3am. Biohackers is a pretty good series with a solid storyline!

Today I obviously lack even more sleep, so I need coffee even more. And because I'm at that level of zombification, I even smoked a cigarette.

But it was enjoyable. I got to talk about random stuff with my neighbors.

I'm doing an experiment to see whether I will eventually auto-correct if I love myself through it, without resorting to shame and guilt.

It's kind of scary to let go of needing shame and guilt.

And I could interpret: "See, without being harsh with myself, I will mess everything up"

But instead I think: cycling without training wheels means falling over a bunch of times at first.

I'm giving my natural drive towards positive action a chance to manifest, and steer me back.

Already I realised that sticking to bedtimes and stuff really makes me more content than when I don't do it.

I'm going to continue this experiment. It could be a breakthrough.

 

I recognize that I have good intentions and am doing the best I can with the results of my decisions.

But it's clear that I would have been much more productive if I even had worked only 5 hours in the day, for the past couple days, and just slept / relaxed for the rest, if I had stuck to bed times and routines.

It's also clear that I have a need for socialization and downtime that I'm repressing.

Perhaps not expecting myself to work 12 hours a day (and then ending up with 4), and instead being reasonable and allowing myself some relaxation/whatever time, is much healthier.

Or am I just being a pussy?

Perhaps, but I can always bring the harshness back. I think discipline will just grow back quite soon, but in a more evolved, less toxic way.

[flowboy]

Radical Ideas I'm Playing with

• Perhaps "wanting to be" anything doesn't work. I wanted to be a high performance individual. Still like the idea, but it just brings me stress whenever I'm not using every minute of time effectively. Shouldn't the high performance come naturally, from an authentic drive to do things, not trying to be like someone else, or adhere to some artificial standard?
• Perhaps the concept of wasting time is a toxic concept. Time is never wasted. Not because time doesn't exist because there is only now blah blah blah, but because everything you do, consciously and unconsciously, serves a purpose, and thus, is necessary. Whether you are fully aware of it or not. Becoming fully conscious of the purpose of what one might view as wasting time, is the key to transformation.

[flowboy]

I now am being put in the position of surviving the suicide of someone I love.

Loved?

Love.

I got the message last Sunday. I felt nothing. The Monday after is when it hit me.

I played her favorite Spotify playlists, and scrolled through pictures and videos of her, on her Facebook profile.

[flowboy]

She actually did it. I can't believe she actually did it.

Am I grieving? Or am I feeling sorry for myself?

There seems to be some overlap.

It's profoundly weird to see your friend's body like that.

Same dark, ridiculously think eyebrows. Same hair that I petted many times.

But not really her.

[flowboy]

Listening to her old voice messages from a couple months back. She seemed perfectly fine. So sweet.

It's oddly comforting.

Never before have I experienced this desire to remember and celebrate who someone was. To be in touch with people who knew her and swap stories. I actually feel a need to keep her pictures and voice messages, and actively keep her memory alive.

This is pretty new to me. I didn't get that when my grandparents died.

[flowboy]

Everything has already been said, but that doesn't mean I'm over it.

I wish I had been more compassionate with her when she was alive. Told her that I loved her more often. I don't think that I did that enough.

Not saying that would have saved her. Just that it matters how you treat people, and it still matters after they are gone.

I really feel that now.

[flowboy]

A ladybug just landed on my window, crawled around for a bit, and left.

I got to see the underside of the ladybug. Ladybugs represent Love to me.

As if to say: This is the underside of love. Can you appreciate it?

The love and deep appreciation I feel when someone dies.

Yes, I can appreciate it. Perhaps equally rich, but complementary.

Not light, but heavy.

Not hopeful, but dark.

Not with, but without.

[flowboy]

People tend to say: "No one could have made a difference. You can't think that way."

It seems much healthier to me to think: Perhaps there is something I could have done differently, that if I had, she'd still be alive. Perhaps.

But I didn't, because I did not know what was going to happen. So I just acted in line with what was authentic for me, and was as loving and generous as I can be without crossing my own boundaries.

Not knowing the future allows one to be authentic.

[flowboy]

I feel pretty focused and mentally clear on a combination of reishi and cordyceps now.

Currently I am testing them individually, and then taking a mental performance test around noon. 20 days each will be quite some time until I get results though.

Goal is to see which supplements perform best:

• Reishi
• Cordyceps
• Rhodiola
• Psilocybin