Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Need More Punctuality

Something keeps happening on Mondays: I didn't plan my next day on Sunday and I didn't clean up on Sunday. Because that is my lazy day and I need that. But it's almost impossible for me to go from lying around watching videos or whatever, to cleaning up and preparing for Monday and going to bed on time. There's no momentum.

So I'll try to do it on Sunday morning (planning next day and cleaning up). I'm hoping that way I'll keep some momentum for the rest of the day to also meditate and go to bed on time.

I went back to bed today and slept in till 9:30. Now I feel rested but guilty. I still had dishes to do and stuff lying around that I have to clean up.

It will be 14:00 before I even make a plan for the rest of the day.

That's wasting 5 hours. That's really, really expensive if you've only got about 19 hours a week to realise your dream.

Unacceptably expensive.

So let's fix it.

I also need to adapt my weekly schedule a bit. For the most part it works well, but there are some minor things that I optimized away (double workouts and daily EK practice) and it causes my wind-down time to be a bit flaky cause I can't take the schedule seriously.

So I want to be really punctual with it and never go against my own plan and stay in bed again.

32 day No Backlash Streak

My habit tracker has been looking pretty good for 32 days!

That's definitely a breakthrough, because in the past I'd usually have a major backlash after 2 weeks, and lose at least 10 days of eating garbage until I picked it up again.

For the most part, things are working! The schedule is working, the habits are working, the systems are working.

But man, is this a hard journey. Waking up and going to sleep at the same time every day. Staying disciplined in following the plan every day. Eating healthy every day. Sounds simple but I've burnt a lot of calories trying to get it right, and I've gotten it a lot more right but am not there yet.

Edited May 24, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On 16/01/2019 at 7:17 PM, flowboy said:

I have started attempts at implementing habits that I wanted since I was 19. I am 26 now. The years in between I have spent anxious, occasionally depressed, constantly having so much chaos in my mind that I felt I had no choice but run away. Running away meant eating random shit, smoking a lot, drinking, getting caught up in drama, and a LOT of binging TV and youtube. All the while not even being able to get up early for work consistently, or brush my teeth for that matter.

There's a part of me that believes I am 'cursed', destined to live a mediocre life as an unhealthy heavily neurotic lonely person, that I don't deserve to be healthy because I've been a smoker, and I'm lazy, and so on. When I listen to this part, I can hardly get out of bed and I brush my teeth/shower only every few days. Also I never do dishes or clean up, so being at home for me is navigating through the mess, trying to close my eyes to it and distract myself with TV as much as possible.

Ahhhh, good old times...

[flowboy]

Going to the train station, kind of sleepy, I felt the urge to get coffee and a chocolate muffin. I went into the store and looked for something that would not violate my rules. Then realised I only had week budget left for 1 item. Had to choose: dark chocolate or smoothie? Chose smoothie.

The smoothie turned out to have dairy in it. So I'm looking at it, hungry, but I won't drink it. I'll give it to my friend.

That would have gone so differently even a couple months ago!

When hungry or sleepy I tended to get whatever I wanted, healthy or not, budget or no.

I feel like I'm vulnerable to a backlash right now. I could even enjoy a hand rolled cigarette with that coffee. Oh, to be impulsive and unhealthy again... a simpler time

Edited May 25, 2021 by flowboy

[RendHeaven]

8 hours ago, flowboy said:

Going to the train station, kind of sleepy, I felt the urge to get coffee and a chocolate muffin. I went into the store and looked for something that would not violate my rules. Then realised I only had week budget left for 1 item. Had to choose: dark chocolate or smoothie? Chose smoothie.

The smoothie turned out to have dairy in it. So I'm looking at it, hungry, but I won't drink it. I'll give it to my friend.

That would have gone so differently even a couple months ago!

When hungry or sleepy I tended to get whatever I wanted, healthy or not, budget or no.

I feel like I'm vulnerable to a backlash right now. I could even enjoy a hand rolled cigarette with that coffee. Oh, to be impulsive and unhealthy again... a simpler time

Beautiful progress

[flowboy]

@RendHeaven Thank you

 

So apparently my brain doesn't really start going full-speed until about 14:00pm. I find this quite consistently.

I wonder. Should I be sleeping in every day until 12, and just work until 2am?

Is there a natural biorhythm that determines dopamine levels, and is not adjustable by habit?

Is it different if I break a sweat in the morning?

Is it because the weather is cloudy? It definitely seems to make a big difference.

Perhaps tracking these things could help me figure this out.

Edited May 27, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Damn it, I'm going to have to change my soup

I've been cooking the same soup for a month now, it's basically Leo's soup but with peas or lentils.

But it didn't digest as well as I had expected, it being full of vegetables and healthy fats. My gut was clearly having trouble.

First, I blamed the peas and switched to lentils. That was a bit better, but the problem was not completely resolved.

Today I stumble upon this podcast and I have a likely explanation: peas, lentils and any legumes apparently contain lectins (of which gluten is one) which are bad for the gut.

The peas are already soaking, so I'll do one more experiment: throwing out the water that they soaked in, and cooking them in fresh water.

Let's see how that goes.

I don't know how to thicken a soup without peas or lentils! Only vegetables in water is just too boring for me.

And I don't want to give up hummus! (chickpeas are legumes)

 

But this stuff is very important to me because I am sensitive to a lot of foods, and my ability to focus , have energy and get things done is easily affected.

Edited May 29, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Well, I'm done with rice milk! (after this container)

It's cheaper than almond milk, so I've been buying rice milk instead. Probably just as healthy, right?

Wrong.

Not only does rice milk contain unacceptable levels of arsenic, it's also made with brown rice apparently!

Brown rice contains lectins, and lectins cause all sorts of problems from acting like splinters in the gut, to coagulating your blood. Yikes.

Is almond milk even safe? If it's made with the skins, it's not lectin-free.

We already know that soy milk is not great.

But: white almond butter is from peeled almonds, and you can blend it with water and recreate peeled almond milk!

Who knew.

[flowboy]

It's so funny to me that everything that modern humans created to make themselves more comfortable, is coming back to bite them in the ass.

Warm showers. Actually, cold showers are healthier.

Soft beds. Actually, sleeping on a harder surface is better for your back.

Monoculture. Feeding everyone with grains and corn. Actually though, that causes diabetes, obesity and auto-immune.

Teflon no-stick pans. Actually, teflon messes with your hormones. Oops.

Pasteurization. Actually it changes milk from healthy to unhealthy.

Thermostats and temperature control. Actually, being hot and cold is healthy, because we need environmental stress.

Comfortable desk jobs, looking everything up on the computer. Actually, that lack of movement is killing us.

GMO crops that defend themselves better against insects. Actually, they also destroy your gut better.

Coffee! Make you work better! Also make your bones crack better, lower your testosterone and cause anxiety and depression.

Computers! For, you know! Porn and stuff, and accelerating innovation to a stomach-churning speed. Turns out looking at screens really messes with your sleep. Oops.

Porn! For, you know. Turns out watching hundreds of people have sex damages your brain and ability to focus or interact normally with the other sex. Who knew.

Plastic bottles! Cheaper, don't break and cause bleeding. How convenient. Do cause man-tits, infertility and stunted testicular development however.

 

 

We are just innovating so fast, we have no time to learn the long-term effects of anything.

How come people used to know that you had to peel tomatoes? Or sprout grains? Or detoxify corn with lye?

Slower pace of innovation. More time to learn what that belly-ache means, and what to do about it. When everything has stayed the same, and you try one new food - and everyone who does feels worse, then you know what it is. You can experiment and find other ways to prepare it.

In modern times, innovation is coming at us from all sides, and our method for learning is broken!

Belly-ache could mean anything. Disease could mean anything. Because half the things we use and eat are so new, there's no one variable that's clearly to blame.

 

 

Some things are good.

- Fire

- Glass

- Wheels

- Stainless steel

- Cotton

Edited May 31, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Why are some individuals more sensitive?

Why do some people have lactose intolerance, gluten sensitivity, peanut allergies, and heavy reactions to food additives?

And the rest of us seem fine with it?

Why doesn't evolution just make us all the same? Clearly it's better to be not allergic or sensitive, right?

Wrong.

They are the canaries in the colemine for the rest of us.

Lactose intolerant people are there to warn us that dairy is bad for everyone.

Peanut allergic people are there to warn the rest of us that eating peanuts will kill them slowly.

Same with gluten.

With sensitive individuals, we have the advantage to know a lot sooner which ingredients are bad news for MOST of us.

But with most of us, it seems fine for the first 40 years while it slowly kills us, until we can no longer ignore it. By then, it's really hard to trace back what caused our dementia, osteoporosis, cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, or heart disease.

And even if we're able to figure it out after so long, it's:

1. Too late because we have done a lot of damage for most of our lives
2. Too late because we are stubborn assholes and are set in our ways

 

We need sensitive people to tell us how to live and eat!

All of those benefits go out the window if we don't listen, though.

Labeling things as a disorder is a way to avoid looking at the message right in front of us.

Edited May 31, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

What would happen if I would just sleep whenever it's dark out?

I'm wondering because today I was pretty useless, even though I went to bed on time.

I vaguely remember being awake really early and being bothered by the light.

 

I looked it up and this month, the sun is up at about 5:45, yet I'm still counting on sleeping until 7:30

It was so hot that I slept with the window open to get a cool breeze. However, that way I am not profiting from my blackout curtains, because they are attached to my window.

OK so tonight I will only open the window where I can still put the curtain over it. See how that goes.

 

Some famous presidents and other notable people were big on "early to rise, early to bed".

I wonder why. Sleep is important, but any 8 hours will do, right?

Perhaps they didn't have perfect blackout curtains, and knew that their sleep would be poor if they went to bed late and counted on making up for it after dawn.

 

If we slept whenever it was dark, then we'd sleep 9 hours in summer and 16 hours in winter!

That seems excessive.

But... people do get seasonal depression (I do)

What if that were a sign that people are actually supposed to slow down their metabolism and go into hibernation?

And if you don't do that, and try to be happy and productive 16 hours a day, ignoring the season, you fail?

I'm questioning everything now.

Edited May 31, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

It's interesting that it took me wasting a full day to realise it: my brain doesn't work with this heat.

I tried to ignore it for a long time, being proud that my heat shielding curtains were enough. They weren't.

What's coming up for me is a sense of victimization. I feel screwed over that I'm living in a studio that gets SO hot in the summer, due to the way its windows are facing. I feel sorry for myself that it doesn't have climate control. I feel sorry for myself that the air conditioner that I bought is not nearly enough, and to really have a good temperature to work at I would just have to move. And probably I would have to be able to afford a more expensive place, WITH air conditioning that works. It's so god damn important. I'd rather have the heater not work and just wear six sweaters, than try to work in a hot apartment.

It doesn't work.

I haven't even get started today.

I don't even remember what I did, but it was something along the lines of: my morning routine took way too long, then it was 10, then I got distracted reading about health stuff until about 3pm, then I realised I was sleep deprived, my brain didn't work as normal and took a nap.

The nap took me so deep that I didn't care to wake up before an hour later. Awake again, I realise that my apartment is too hot and it's time to install the air conditioner again. Which I did.

And just this profound sense of powerlessness.

The thing that I'm always fighting against.

I just need much more money to be even comfortable. AC is expensive. I can't give up 3 months of productivity every year! Not in the startup phase. And yes I'm working on that, but it's slow, and I need my brain to work properly and not be overheated.

Blah blah blah. My typical drama.

I acklowledge it. I thank it for looking out for my best interests.

Got a nice cool breeze going now.

Found out my air conditioner actually DOES have an option to change direction. All of last year I believed it was just a design flaw that the cold air always went downwards. And felt even more victimized about that. Turns out I can change that

Can't believe how much time I wasted. Damn. It's 7 now. nine hours after I planned to get started.

So in the past my reaction would have been: well fuck it, I planned to do 8 hours, so I will just drink some coffee and work deep into the night. But I know that doesn't work.

Ok, let's do something useful with the rest of this day.

 

 

Edited May 31, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Don't know what I was complaining about last time. I should have just been quick and acted immediately.

Today I am fine, programming away with the airconditioner on my face and it works.

Turn it off however, and within ten minutes my thoughts start to slow down and my power of will disappears. And I don't really notice it. It's like boiling a frog.

 

Every time I take the astragalus + rhodiola rosea combo, I have a good driving lesson. So that's nice.

 

I feel under too much pressure right now. Organizing a trip with the guys seems to fall on my shoulders because no one else thinks it's important to plan ahead. Also, I started a website project with a friend, but haven't figured out how to make time for it. And I have to, because I really want it to happen.

I'm just stressed and the symptoms are there:

- 3 items on my to-do list for after work, instead of one

- Pile of undone dishes.

Gotta turn this around before it becomes a bad week

[flowboy]

 

"What's the most important thing in life?"

MEAT!!

"What happens after you die?"

We put them in a cave and then we move.

 

So down to earth.

[flowboy]

It's a sunny day.

I'm walking to the office holding a basket with food and drinks that my girlfriend prepared for me.

I'm sipping coffee that she prepared for me.

I have the best girlfriend ever.

I'm very aware that I have what everybody wants. Or should want. Or doesn't even know they want.

I'm thinking corny thoughts like 'a smile is the cheapest gift that you can give to brighten up someone's day' and smiling at everyone. Everyone is smiling back at me.

[flowboy]

Binaural Beats

I'm underestimating them!

I desperately needed something 'extra' today, but knew that coffee would result in lack of sleep the next day.

This binaural beats playlist on my headphones nearly instantly put me into a state of deep focus and serenity.

It's weird that I didn't notice before how well they work.

I should use them every day.

[flowboy]

Perhaps my silly business ideas are actually the most aligned.

I am saving the silly ideas for later, because they would be the most fun, but I don't expect them to make money.

But I DON'T KNOW...

The sillyness does feel very authentic and close to my true self.

Perhaps other people would appreciate it and a silly idea would actually blow up.

I haven't been courageous enough to bet on a silly idea and be associated with it.

[flowboy]

Take My Own Medicine

Gotta start doing that...

I have such cool tricks and tips for all sorts of things, like getting over fears, finding out your heart's deepest desires and sense of purpose, getting rid of bad habits and sticky emotional patterns. Have helped other people with it, but not rigorously applied them to myself quite so recently.

Of course I don't recommend things I haven't used. But still, taking my exact own advice is a necessary learning experience, if I want to be a good coach.

Why am I afraid of shamanic breathing, even though it works for others so well?

Because what if it tells me that I should be doing things differently. I don't want to discover that right now and have to change course again.

Probably an irrational fear. I feel pretty aligned and inspired.

[flowboy]

Wow, I definitely don't feel good.

I've had a slight discomfort on my left side beneath my ribs. Over the past 3 weeks, it's grown from a weird sensation into a mildly painful heaviness. I'm trying not to worry about it and failing. Even the old romanticizing-my-tragic-death thoughts are resurfacing. Everything has been too good so far. Of course I die of a scary disease now. It makes sense. I've received all these gifts, and I haven't shown enough gratitude. I have been lazy and ungrateful and this is my punishment.

Nonsense, of course. But I do feel... "anhedonic". Unable to feel the normal positive emotions. Like after an ecstacy trip.

The dentist said that my toncils were surprisingly enlarged. I don't know what that means.

I've been running and doing chin-ups today. I'm healthy! There is nothing wrong. When I get sick, I stop being sick and be awesome instead. Barney Stinson.

I'm fighting with my girlfriend for stupid reasons. I think we would have made up by now if I had the ability to feel pleasure and positivity. Or maybe we would not have fought at all.

Best thing to do: take care of myself. Clean kitchen. Make soup. Take it easy.

[flowboy]

Am I creating drama because I'm feeling low?

The undeveloped feminine: I don't feel lovable right now, so I'm going to make you prove your love for me by making you jump through hoops.

I'm good at making up hoops.

What can I do about this except have awareness. So I will.

I was making such a solid point though. Not nonsense. But the energy behind it ... icky.

[flowboy]

Focus on what I can, not what I can't

Focusing on what I cannot, instead of what I can... is a pattern that is rooted deep in me. It's in everything. I noticed it when I tried to drum with my pinky finger. I could not. And so I obsessed over it.

Finding out something I can't, makes me obsess. It's been like that since childhood. Or at least puberty. I even remember making that decision as a child. "I feel like I am powerless and can't do anything I want to do, SO NOW I WILL MAKE MYSELF DO ANYTHING I CAN NOT DO".

Did a lot of drum drills that I did not need.

Did a lot of weird exercises that nobody needs to do. Made a lot of impossible training schedules.

I could have just drummed with a different finger.

 

I'm still focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do have. And whenever I do that, I feel cramped, stressed and like it is never enough.

Yeah, big surprise there.

 

I want to be able to just "let it go" when I notice I don't have something or can't do something. But it's hard, I'm inclined to obsess over it instead. And then promise myself I'll fix it later. Which is never. Because the amount of work is infinite. But at least I don't have to face the lack of something, or the limitation.

 

I created/developed some neurotic tendencies that I feel my parents had not a lot to do with. Such as this.

Encounter a limitation.

Don't have X, unable to do Y.

Don't want to face the real world, want to stay in unlimited fantasy land.

So just tell myself: "I will just whip myself into doing [unrealistic amounts of work] later, so that I can have this particular power/skill/desired situation.

 

It's everywhere. For 10 years I told myself that I would start saving money later, which would make up for spending everything now. I told myself that I would finish these difficult studies later, so that I would not have to accept that I gave up. 

Moreover, I told myself that I would become a Master Pick-up Artist later, so that all my failures of the present would be erased. A deal with the devil.

I'm wiser now. Even if I slept with 100 women, it would not heal the pain I created by avoiding going for what I wanted earlier in life. And even as I write this, something in me goes: "But a thousand might do it... You could feel superior to your player friend... Now wouldn't that be nice"

Yes, it's something I used to aim for, but was it really a goal? Or was it a story that I told myself, to get out of showing up in the moment... If I don't approach this cute girl because I'm scared, I will judge myself harshly, but I can make myself feel better by promising to achieve unrealistic goals later. That I'm not even willing to work on in the moment. So they're not goals, they're lies.

I am still plagued by old memories of chances I didn't take, girls I didn't ask out, girls who obviously wanted me but I pussied out of fucking them.

And that is fine, people miss chances, it's what happens. But I feel like I am not processing these things properly. It seems like I've always avoided the truth that "this is not possible" or "I missed my chance" or "I decided not to talk to her" or "I decided to quit university", and instead borrowed energy from the future by making myself impossible promises that I would make up for it all later.

I'm writing this because I am hoping that I am cleansing myself. I've got so many missed-chance memories that I covered up with promises, that were not properly processed. So many situations where once, years and years ago, I thought about doing something but then I did not do it, telling myself: "I will be better at it later. I will return as an awesome god later and this will be effortless". And those are still stuck in my mind and those moments plague me sometimes. Like now.

I remember when I was 7 or 8, I was really into making stuff out of clay. One day I went to hike in the woods with my parents. On the hike, we saw a patch of clay that would be very usable to make things out of, and it had a cool ocre color. I thought to myself: "should I take some?". Maybe one of my parents even asked me. But I could not decide, and we walked on.
That night when I was in bed, I remembered the patch of clay and I cried. I cried so hard, and started to complain that we should have taken it. I cried and complained so much, that finally my dad caved and was about to put on his jacket to go get some of that clay from the woods right now, just to make me stop.

Typical.

Something about doors closing, options not being open, opportunities not taken, that I could NOT stand, and I still deep down cling to the thought that really, I could do ANYTHING if I set my mind to it. Which sounds nice, but in my body it feels tight and unhealthy. And I've been clinging to it for way too long. I remember being shocked when I was a teenager, reading somewhere that there was an age that you had to get started if you wanted to become a professional tennis player. I had surpassed that age, and I COULD NOT DEAL. I remember telling my mom about it, that I could still become a professional tennis player, if I just worked hard on it. The option being closed was insufferable, so instead I invented this scam. Writing checks I could not cash. "Screw my natural talents, those mean nothing to me because I DIDN'T CHOOSE THEM, instead let my elevate Setting Impossible Standards and Stressing Myself Out Demanding Impossible Things as my new self-invented superpower."

Using this proxy, I never had to deal with any real world choices anymore.

This twisted me so far that later I came to see "going against my natural abilities" as the only virtue. No wonder I chose the university studies that I found interesting, but was also the hardest of all, even harder than medicine. No wonder I tried to force myself to be organised without help, even though I knew I had ADD by that point.

 

Wow, it really is everywhere. On a small scale as well. And in the time dimension. So often when I'm in a bit of a disorganised mode where I'm not planning my day properly, I fall back to writing checks I know I can't cash.

Watching YouTube all day while I still have to do something important. "I'll do it later" becomes "I will sacrifice my sleep and stay up all night to do this. It's hard, but I deserve the punishment for wasting so much time". And then I usually keep watching netflix until 1am, when I admit to myself that this ain't gonna happen today. But sometimes, I stay up until 6am. Unable to start doing whatever I'm dreading, but also unable to sleep! Because going to sleep would be admitting that I can't do it today anymore. That's a door closed! Unacceptable. So, better make stressed-out attempts at the task, interrupted with a lot more watching, to numb the self-hatred. I remember staying up watching youtube until 7AM when I had university in the morning. There was something I could not admit that I would not do, so I could not go to sleep. And if I don't watch anything, then my thoughts will torture me and make me do it, or admit failure. So I better keep watching.

I remember procrastinating on meal prepping this way. It took me all night to prep the meals. I started at 1am, and was done at 6 or 7. Watched an entire season of something. Was dead the next day.

Gross.

What a game to play. This is really the essence of my neuroticism.

I even did(do?) it with habit trackers when I was 19. I still have that old habit tracker with 30 habits on it. And screenshots of my To-Do list that had over 60 items most of which had been there for at least a year. And before that year, I used a different system that I abandoned. But I guarantee that if I would have found those old leftover tasks, I would have added those too. Screw being realistic. I have the stressing-myself-out superpower. I can tell myself that I have time for anything!

Having between 60 to 100 items on my to-do list enabled me to flake out on social events and parties. Telling myself "I have so much stuff to do, I can't go". That's what I would tell people. And then I would fret over what I missed out on. And go home and do nothing. Definitely not the things on the list. I would just tell myself I would get to it, but first chill with a cup of coffee and a lot of snacks. In my mind that would be 'preparing' to do 'all the stuff'.

Looking back, it's easy to see the purpose it served. To not go to the social event, and instead get myself some snacks and chill, was all I wanted. If I had been accepting of not being a social butterfly, I wouldn't have had to tell myself I was going to have to do all that stuff. Had I been able to be nicer to myself and have more self-compassion, I could have said what I really meant: "I feel overwhelmed. Too much social interaction depletes me. I want to go home and chill and eat snacks by myself". Instead of needing to have the added stress of this 100 item to-do list I fabricated. Just so I didn't have to face that I missed out on something through my own decision. That I chose no. That I was actually fine missing out. I just didn't see it.

 

Some teachers say that everyone is born with anger over being in a body. Angry about the limitations of it. And this is what creates fixation. Or something.

Well, you could say that every fiber of my being is, and always has been, angry that I am not God. Angry that I am not all-powerful, able to experience everything I want, instantly. Angry that some experiences will not be had by me, but by other people.

 

If anyone read these ramblings, thank you but since they were so long and repetitive I must ask you: aren't you avoiding something unpleasant, by telling yourself that you wanted to read this?

Edited July 8, 2021 by flowboy