Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

• Remember A Success
  • I remember seeing a really sexy girl standing across my house, introducing myself, hooking up with her, getting to know her, and finding out that she's amazing in many ways. Just like that I went for what I wanted, and it worked out.
• Something I'm Grateful For
  • Today I am grateful for my friendship with P, and the mutual learning from each other, and how truly equal it feels. We value each other and tell each other the honest truth.
• If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
  • No. Most of my day was taking care of dumb stuff like laundry and returning a package. However, I did contact my client and also had a good video call with the aforementioned friend.
• How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
  • I decided to do my entire evening routine again, even though I didn't feel like it.

[flowboy]

• Remember A Success
  • I remember signing up for my first speech at Toastmasters, creating, practicing, and getting a 10/10 result that was valued highly.
• Something I'm Grateful For
  • Today I am grateful for my ability to make a living as a programmer, which enables me to buy quality food to keep my brain sharp for working on my purpose.
  • I'm also grateful for having a strong immune system, which defended me properly and enabled me to start functioning again rather soon after covid hit me.
• If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
  • No. Most of my day was housework (4 laundry loads), taking out 4 kinds of trash, groceries, dishes. Ordering food. Misc admin tasks. Activities that I don't value highly and will definitely pay someone else for when I have the means.
  • There were some cool things: I had a nice supportive conversation with my friend about his epiphany/breakdown, and it had a really serendipitous inspiring end resulting in a new angle for him to market his product with.
• How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
  • I cleaned all the surfaces I touched. I rewrote my daily schedule 3 or 4 times, each time something took too long I refused to abandon schedule and stuck with my commitment to schedule adherence.

[flowboy]

• Remember A Success
  • I remember that my first ever coaching client said that he was super happy with the results, and that he had actually reached a level he did not think possible thanks to my help!
• Something I'm Grateful For
  • Today I am grateful for my entrepreneur-minded friends I'm in the mastermind group with. We had a very nurturing conversation.
• If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
  • No, I would go outside!! I'm feeling much calmer under quarantaine now, but it still sucks.
• How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
  • I did my entire start-of-work checklist. I did not bill hours that I did not work and got distracted. I did a thorough analysis of a problem.

[flowboy]

Days without caffeine: 57

Days without coffee: 67

Yes, the ability to focus at will is indeed at a new level

Even when I'm really tired, or really don't feel like it, I can get back into a focused flow without much stress at all. This is new territory.

Or perhaps this is what it was like before I started drinking coffee. I must have been 13,14? Perhaps earlier.

I am able to continue programming until late in the evening, and afterwards fall straight asleep if I have to (not that I want to). But man, is it nice to have the ability.

 

Edited September 29, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Sexual Dreams

I've not ejaculated for 15 days now. Part of that was made easy because of covid - my energy was low, and I was quarantained.

I'm still too cautious to see my girlfriends, but it's getting increasingly frustrating.

My nights have been full of sex dreams for the past few days.

Last night, I was with a girl who symbolized pure hedonism. She was pretty, short, with dark curls. She was wearing a hoodie and otherwise bottomless, lying on the couch. Her skin was soft, her ass was round, and all she wanted to do was be fucked stupid by me on that couch. Without a condom. Then smoke cigarettes. Then more fucking each other stupid.

I smoked cigarettes with her. Then, when taking a break from all the sex, we went to a bakery to get some bread and chocolate spread. Which is the snack I have been using on cheat days lately, to satisfy sugar cravings.

Interpretation

I'm not aware of any fancy symbolism in this dream, then again, if there were I wouldn't be the one to spot it.

What's interesting though, is that this girl was the embodiment of all my guilty pleasures. Smoking, sex without a condom, being lazy on the couch, and chocolate and sugary treats. I smoked with her, which I normally do not do. Some part of me would love to indulge in those situations, though. The whole dream was about giving in, giving into cravings, and enjoying it.

The plain, dark blue hoodie she wore represented comfort. Because we had sex with her still wearing the hoodie, it was clear that she was practical. The hoodie is comfortable and easy to wear around the house. She wasn't dressed up for a date, she just wanted to get fucked. She took her pants off for that, but not the hoodie, another practical move. We got along great, me and this practical nympho.

It had a girlfriend-y sort of vibe. Like we had been together for awhile, and had mutually agreed that our mission in life was to maximize pleasure together, by fucking a lot and eating delicious things. It was not unlike the situation I had with an ex some years ago, when some days we would just stay in pyjamas and only get dressed to get food, but still not be able to keep our hands off each other, have a lot of sex and watch movies, mainly.

Do I miss that? Being lazy and hedonistic? Am I just insanely horny? Is this a rebellion against all the new restrictions I've been setting for myself?

When I woke up, I was poking my hard dick against the mattress. Instead of getting up, I unsuccessfully scoured my phone for arousing material, and even watched some porn, although it did very little for me. I shared some naked pictures of myself and chatted about places to have sex with one of my girlfriends.

Nothing could really satisfy. Usually when I build up horniness to this level, I gorge myself on pictures of girls by scrolling Tinder. Trying to get dates I don't have time for. Since I blocked all porn. But now I deleted the dating apps too.

This is where the 'sexual transmutation' should kick in, I suppose?

But I've always been a horny guy, nothing wrong with that and it makes me feel alive, too. I wouldn't want it any other way.

[flowboy]

Dating situation

I call them "girlfriends" - however that's not accurate.

In August, I started dating two new girls whom I got along with really well. They're both very smart, ambitious, highly sexual and fun to be around. They're both PhDs.

That brought the total count of people I'm dating to 3. Both of the new girls I've seen three times each.

I was not yet sure whether I wanted to choose one of them, or be polyamorous. I don't really want to break up with any of them. I think I definitely can be polyamorous. I'm just not sure how I would manage the time.

In any case, this situation might have resolved itself if I had kept seeing them. One relationship could have deepened, while others may have naturally faded. But this conundrum has been frozen in time now, for a month already, due to me getting corona.

So I've been trying to keep in contact with each of them through texting and video messages, and spread my attention evenly. So far it's gone okay, but it has been a source of stress and anxiety. When you're in lockdown, there isn't as much to tell about your life. There is the old fear of not having anything interesting to say. I'm afraid of them getting bored with me being sick.

However, none of this is a real problem. I'm blessed, really.

[flowboy]

• Remember A Success
  • I remember applying for my first programming job, not even knowing the language, nailing the interview and making the first few months a dramatic success.
• Something I'm Grateful For
  • Today I am grateful for the really awesome girl I met and who I can't wait to be able to see again
• If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
  • No. My day was sleeping in, covid test, random cycling around and buying a chair, and cooking. And now it's almost over and I have not worked on my business plans.
• How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
  • I went back to the (this) routine, even after having drifted off dramatically. I re-prioritized what is important. I will use the rest of the waking hours to work on the CA course.

[flowboy]

Fixed a bug in my evening routine

I'm still testing it, but I'm pretty sure I like it better. Here it goes.

Before, I would:

1. Do work
2. Eat
3. Get tired
4. Relax
5. Do evening routine, including planning my next day. However I'd be tired and eager to go to sleep, so I'd make mistakes in my schedule and end up with unrealistic schedules that were badly prioritized and packed too full.

After, I:

1. Do ¾ of the work
2. Do end-of-work routine at 17:00, including planning my next day. The work is still fresh in my mind and I know the next steps and what's important.
3. Eat
4. Do some more work
5. Relax
6. Do a very short evening routine that is purposefully short and doesn't require thinking, therefore helping me wind down:
   1. Shower
   2. Yoga

The problem was that I had way too many steps to do right before bedtime that felt like work and required thinking: not only was this hard and was I inefficient at it, it also woke me up too much and felt stressful.

An added benefit of the new routine is that when I already have the plan for the next day, but then I work some more, any work I do after dinner feels like a bonus and puts me ahead of schedule the next day.

[flowboy]

• Remember A Success
  • When I had a job at P2, there was a moment where all my teammates went on vacation, and only me and R were left. There was a feature to complete for a client, with a deadline. Unencumbered by my older colleagues, me and R made some drastic design changes, essentially rewriting the entire module and making it way more intuitive and usable.
    When they came back, my colleagues scolded me, were mad at me and said that we would lose the customer because of what I had done. And that no way would they dare to present my work.
    Upon which I said: " I'll present it then. Watch me. It will all be alright, don't worry. "
    And I presented it. And the customer was enthusiastic. So the negative Nellies had to eat their words.
    Not only was the customer enthusiastic, but this customer had been unsatisfied and cross in every meeting so far. He even seemed to like me on a personal level after that. It's because the coworkers of mine that he previously had to deal with, had no sales skills and stunted social skills: they did not know how to listen and make someone feel heard. And I did.
• Something I'm Grateful For
  • Today I am grateful for having made it all this way from depressed neurotic smoker with panic attacks to happy, organized, goal-oriented me. Somehow the right knowledge and opportunities were provided at the right time and the right people were put in front of me, to enable me to grow to this level.
• If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
  • Yes, actually. Even though I mostly worked for the Man, I was being creative, working on something important, and I could share it with my team, who are working on the same thing which makes it more fun.
• How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
  • I denied a lot of detours to only focus on what is important.
  • Even though I was barely awake this morning, I still managed to work on the CA course for 23 minutes and finish something.

[flowboy]

S.A.D.

It started with looking at the grey sky and the lack of color and noticing how ugly everything is. I don't like the buildings here in this country, why is everything so flat and boring? Then I had a lot of anger come up from past events. I told my friends about who from my old high school I would like to go back to and beat up, and why. I was not yet aware of the cloud of negativity that had cast a shadow over my reality. Adding to that, my friends started to get snappy and I began to feel attacked by them.

When I got out of the car, I realised what was happening. My head was just buzzing with dark thoughts. Dwelling on things people had recently said in the past days and getting unreasonably angry over them. Repeating scenarios over and over in my mind. No light. No hope.

I impulsively drank the psilocybin tea I had left, thinking it would be a nice way to relax. Wrong. I took a shower, enjoying the warm water whilst at the same time having very morbid and bizarre insectscapes on the inside of my eyelids.

I toweled off and collapsed on the bed. I felt absolutely hopeless. Alone. Desperate. It really is like staring into an abyss and realising it is bottomless. I desired to cling on to someone and hold them while I cried, but remembered the last time I tried that, and driving people away with my neediness and despair. So I put on sad music and cried by myself, like an adult, for hours.

I eventually mentioned to my date what I was going through. She immediately offered to come have dinner at her place, and look at her daylight-therapy lamp together, which was really sweet. I felt like I'm a terrible person for using her, because I'm afraid she thinks we're exclusive, something I haven't addressed for too long. I manage to get myself there, red eyed but happy to see her. We have long conversation, laugh a lot, eat dinner, and have sex. I feel too weak to be on top, so we have a more slow and deep session, which felt very connected and intimate. She squirts buckets. I love that. She is not happy about the wet mattress.

The next day I decide to immediately get myself one of those daylight lamps, and I succeed. I can't slip back into a season of depression, I just can't.

When I woke up this morning, I felt this familiar pit of anxiety and hopelessness in my stomach. I turned off my alarm and set it for later. Turned it off again. Crept back into bed again. Why get up? There's no hope. Last week I felt optimistic about becoming an entrepreneur. Now it's like that was a person from a movie, and I can't even remember how they even imagined such a thing was possible.

I have a strange urge to research morbid topics, like how suicide pills work and what's in them. Not because I'm having suicidal thoughts, to be clear, but just the sudden morbid curiosity is weird. 

I suppress that urge because giving in would most certainly make it worse. My whole body is vibrating with angst and all crumpled up. My posture is slouched, making myself small, hugging my arms around myself and hanging my head. My hands are sweating and shaking. I feel unreasonable doubt and anxiety about everything I do. I want to eat a healthy amount, but I just stuff myself to fill the anxiety pit. If I were to meet my date right now, I am not sure I would know what to say to her. I don't feel manly, or entertaining, or positive. I'm just a trembling vat of doom and gloom. Putting a smile on the outside would probably look creepy.

 

Obviously, this can not continue. I've been though winter depressions all my life, and it took me a long time to recognize it for what it was. It makes me feel like everything I am doing with my life is pointless. Every time I quit studying it was during these months. Who knows what else got ruined by this radical reconfiguration of my emotions.

I wanted to document it here, what it feels like. So I can refer back to it later, and remind myself to not take my state of happiness for granted. Because the weather can change. And all the health habits that I do, the supplements I take, the workouts, the things I don't eat - they seem silly sometimes, but I put them there to protect me.

I will dedicate this week to cleaning up a LOT and getting back into my groove.  Getting organised, getting exercise. Next week, I will be done with this.

 

Protocol for the next month:

• Daylight lamp
• St. John's Wort supplements
• No more bread and processed food
• Lots of exercise
• Vitamin D, Copper and Zinc
• Make progress on main goal every day

Edited October 20, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Turns out that telling a person you're seeing about the other people you're seeing may cause them to break up with you, because they want different things. But in the best way possible. We're still friends, chat regularly and appreciate each other. To me this is a big win: she gets a chance to find a boyfriend, and I still get to hang out and crack jokes with her. I felt guilty about stringing her along, and now that's been resolved with truly minimal pain. I hope it was the same for her, she doesn't communicate her feelings always.

Pro tip: to let someone down easy, tell them you might be polyamorous. I'm going to remember that.

[flowboy]

• Remember A Success
  • When I started studying and moved out of my parents', but then 4 months later decided it was not for me, so I quit. It really was not for me, so I would consider that a success. I saved myself 3-5 years of going in the wrong direction!
• Something I'm Grateful For
  • Today I am grateful for my friend M, who has made my life a lot more interesting and added love
• If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
  • No, I have to work 10 hours for the Man, and it's not even going well
• How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
  • I encountered a problem (broken alarm clock) and took quick action to solve it on the same day.

 

I don't know what my problem is exactly today. I feel weak, sweaty and it's incredibly hard to focus.

The supplements and the lamp are helping, I no longer feel sad.

Edited October 22, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Let's do a small retro on why I finally went to bed at 1am, and slept in and was late for work:

1. Hard time focusing/sitting still at work. Extremely distractable. Could be leftover fatigue from covid, could be the winter depression, could be because of leftover physical energy and needing a workout. Who is to say.
2. That prompted me to take a lot of L-theanine, in an attempt to feel calm and focused.
   L-theanine has never worked for me. At the recommended dose, I notice nothing. At 10 times the recommended dose, I apparently get ... restless and horny.
3. When it was time to go to the gym, I was so restless and unfocused that I kept getting stuck in my phone.
   I went to the gym at 19:30 instead of 18:40.
4. Because I forgot to book a time slot, there were none available and I had to go farther away and wait until 20:15 to start.
5. By 20:15, I should have thought: this is time to go home already, let's turn around.
   But I did not. I had come there to work out, and could not let go.
6. Realising I was already behind schedule, I did not watch the time at the gym. And although I only did two exercises, I still took an hour because I did not know my way around that gym. Left at 21:15.
7. By that time I had missed my evening routine and I knew it.
   I should have gone to sleep immediately, but because it seemed already "lost" and I was hungry, I caved to the temptation of eating and watching Netflix.
8. The evening schedule seemed already so lost that I watched in bed until 1am

I've got to improve my schedule adherence in the evenings. It's the key to having excellent mornings.

• I will save eating-and-watching for Sundays, and read instead
• I will maintain strong schedule discipline in the evenings, and when that means I miss a workout and have to turn around, I will turn around and feel proud about it
• I will not impulsively take a bunch of pills when it's hard to focus. Instead I will take a break to do some breathwork.

Edited October 23, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Improved Approach Anxiety

One good thing happened: I saw a hot girl at the gym and actually went up.

To do it immediately would have been the most badass, but I did not.

Thinking: maybe it's a better moment when she leaves the gym. Hoping partly that I wouldn't see her.

Then I saw her leave the gym at the same time as me, and I thought: man, now I have no excuse!

Hello, wall of anxiety. Remember the feeling of being rejected by your crush in high school? That's still there! Unchanged.

She walks out while I deal with my old demons and I get on my bike, hoping to spontaneously run into her on the way home.

Part of me hoping not to, so I can tell myself that that's why I didn't do it.

Then I think: screw it, I don't want to be this person anymore who lets his approach anxiety control him! It's getting lame and childish.

Dammit, I want another chance! Sometimes you gotta make your own luck.

I cycle in the opposite direction and take a lap around the block. To my surprise, there she goes.

I take a breath, shake off the creepy feeling and catch up to her.

"Hey, were you just at the gym? I saw you squat, I think. I find you attractive. Would you like a date with me?"

 

I could have made it go better by saying all kinds of smart and funny things, I'm sure, but I want to focus on just being able to honestly express my feelings of attraction.

And, she appreciated it and it was not awkward! That's a huge win.

[flowboy]

• Remember A Success
  • Yesterday, when I successfully took the opportunity to talk to a woman I felt drawn to, and honestly expressed my intentions.
• Something I'm Grateful For
  • Today I am grateful for my parents transforming themselves and becoming healthier and healthier
• If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
  • No. I'd call in sick tomorrow and find a person to have sex and do drugs with. Obviously.
• How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
  • I busted through my lack of focus and used small steps to slowly get myself back into flow. Even though it did not feel possible.
  • I worked on something that would have been forgotten, but I personally kept track of it because it's important.
  • I used stopwatches to make sure my queries were fast

Edited October 23, 2020 by flowboy

[meadow]

On 10/23/2020 at 11:17 AM, flowboy said:

Improved Approach Anxiety

One good thing happened: I saw a hot girl at the gym and actually went up.

To do it immediately would have been the most badass, but I did not.

Thinking: maybe it's a better moment when she leaves the gym. Hoping partly that I wouldn't see her.

Then I saw her leave the gym at the same time as me, and I thought: man, now I have no excuse!

Hello, wall of anxiety. Remember the feeling of being rejected by your crush in high school? That's still there! Unchanged.

She walks out while I deal with my old demons and I get on my bike, hoping to spontaneously run into her on the way home.

Part of me hoping not to, so I can tell myself that that's why I didn't do it.

Then I think: screw it, I don't want to be this person anymore who lets his approach anxiety control him! It's getting lame and childish.

Dammit, I want another chance! Sometimes you gotta make your own luck.

I cycle in the opposite direction and take a lap around the block. To my surprise, there she goes.

I take a breath, shake off the creepy feeling and catch up to her.

"Hey, were you just at the gym? I saw you squat, I think. I find you attractive. Would you like a date with me?"

 

I could have made it go better by saying all kinds of smart and funny things, I'm sure, but I want to focus on just being able to honestly express my feelings of attraction.

And, she appreciated it and it was not awkward! That's a huge win.

I love this shit. Thanks for sharing. You rock. 

This also triggers me. This success judges my own existence somehow. Very confronting. No ill feelings towards you at all btw, simply strong judgement of myself and my limiting beliefs that I can not do similar things because of my idea of my shortcomings. 

If I dig deep, imagining myself doing this, I rationalise that I could not have done the same because I would have decided that it would have been doomed from the beginning because of.. not good looking enough, not tall/strong appearing enough, not funny enough. Major unworthiness-related issues.

Since I have a gf now I feel like I'm in a deadlock where I can not do something about this particular point; my fear of approaching/talking to women who really attract me (without being already introduced somehow).

Again, thanks for sharing, this is very helpful to smoke out some shit I am still dealing with. 

[flowboy]

@meadow  Thank you for expressing that and letting me know that what I wrote resonated. That means a lot.

I have been in the situation a lot where I specifically set out to approach, but was blocked by a wall of feeling unworthy. I physically turned red with shame just standing there considering to approach. I felt boring, and ugly, like a loser who did not belong there, and certain that she would see all that and be disgusted or mock me. I basically was certain that she would see me the same way people saw me (and I saw myself) in highschool.

It's true that you can break through that by doing it a couple times in a row, and after that warm-up the unworthiness will fade and you get into a sort of flow. So I practiced that, but only a couple times. Not enough to get skilled. But enough to experience the breaking through and seeing that it does work.

There's something I realised that is different now, that may be of use to you: I only aim to convey my feelings honestly. I don't need her to validate me, because I already validated myself. I don't need her to date me, my calendar is full. I just think she's hot and want to not keep that to myself.

I'm very new at this still. I still notice my voice goes up an octave when I do these things. I probably smile too much and don't really think on my feet that well because of nervousness. But that will fade with practice.

 

[meadow]

37 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@meadow  Thank you for expressing that and letting me know that what I wrote resonated. That means a lot.

I have been in the situation a lot where I specifically set out to approach, but was blocked by a wall of feeling unworthy. I physically turned red with shame just standing there considering to approach. I felt boring, and ugly, like a loser who did not belong there, and certain that she would see all that and be disgusted or mock me. I basically was certain that she would see me the same way people saw me (and I saw myself) in highschool.

It's true that you can break through that by doing it a couple times in a row, and after that warm-up the unworthiness will fade and you get into a sort of flow. So I practiced that, but only a couple times. Not enough to get skilled. But enough to experience the breaking through and seeing that it does work.

There's something I realised that is different now, that may be of use to you: I only aim to convey my feelings honestly. I don't need her to validate me, because I already validated myself. I don't need her to date me, my calendar is full. I just think she's hot and want to not keep that to myself.

I'm very new at this still. I still notice my voice goes up an octave when I do these things. I probably smile too much and don't really think on my feet that well because of nervousness. But that will fade with practice.

 

"I'm very new at this still. I still notice my voice goes up an octave when I do these things. I probably smile too much and don't really think on my feet that well because of nervousness. But that will fade with practice."

I echo this. I feel dirty somehow when I notice myself doing this or parts of it when talking to someone who it's clear is "above" me, if you'd ask my subconscious. Hot as fuck person, my CEO or much older peers that I respect. Even though I'm a C-level exec there is a pecking order among the other C-levels, again, if you ask my subconscious. My voice pitches up so as not to upset them when I'm talking. It's so fucking beta. The order is done by physical size, menacing appearance, depth of voice and a few more physically bound factors. 

Thanks for sharing your journey. I think an issue I have is that I forget old achievements and somehow can not appreciate what I have. My gf commented on this yesterday that actually it is not only feelings of unworthiness - it is that everything I get isn't enough for me. 

[flowboy]

The next 90 days

If it truly takes 90 days to build a new habit, then 30 day challenges are stupid.

I've quit all caffeine for 3 months (I'm on my last 3 days)

Here's what I want to implement next:

• Quit watching netflix during dinner and before bed
• Consistent bed times and wake times (my adherence is currently 26%)
• Not allowing any distraction while working (I've been wasting a lot of time on the internet again lately)

I think these things should go nicely together. They will be painful to implement, but I really want to get to this next level of discipline so that I can get more out of my time.

Of course I'm going to keep the no-caffeine. I will allow an exception once a month, but I will make sure it's only once a month.

Still working on the mindset module of the CA course. When I'm done with that, perhaps there will be some new habits to be added in as well.

 

In the morning a cold shower, before bed a warm shower. That's a nice way to wake up in the morning and chill out in the evening.

I keep forgetting about my bedtimes when I am not at home. I was at my friend's place yesterday, and he asked me: what time is your train home? And I literally said: doesn't matter, what's your evening plans. I gave zero thought to my commitment to be in bed at 21:30. Same thing when I was with my date Sunday. Actually she needed to go to bed at 10, and I suggested we stay and have another beer until 11pm. Gave zero thought to my bedtime. The next day, I ignored my alarms and slept in until almost 11am.

So there's a lack of discipline going on, and also a lack of trust somehow. I don't trust myself currently to go to bed on time, or to stick to it, so why would I get up on time.

This is untenable.

 

On the positive side: I remember writing on this thread soo many times about being stressed, tired, underslept and burnt out...well the quitting caffeine really did take care of that. I barely ever feel physically stressed now.

Edited October 28, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

[6:10am] Ugh. Good morning, I guess?

[8:05am] So far so good. Took entirely cold shower. Made bed. Meditated 20mins. Started work on time.

Now to disallow myself the usual distractions.

Edit: that went fine until 3pm. I felt like taking a break and spent 45 minutes on this forum reading about lucid dreams. There was no time for an actual break, however, so I still should have been working.

My excuse was: yeah but I haven't started the new challenge yet

That's fine. Won't have that excuse soon.

Edited October 29, 2020 by flowboy