Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

[Where am I at]:

Content with my productive day, but still uncertain and scared about the decision to rent an apartment that I can't afford.

> Can't you afford it?

I can pay for it and for food, but not much else.

> Why is that a problem?

I want to save up a buffer.

> What could you do about that?

- I could bet on starting a business that will provide me with extra income. That is the current plan.

- Alternatively, I could try to get out of the lease. But I'm afraid

> What are you afraid of?

- I'm afraid of the repercussions and the shame. I'm afraid of the landlord making me pay thousands, or at least not agreeing to return the deposit, after which I'd be broker than ever, and the bridge would be burned, so I couldn't go back on it. I'd have to apply for an option that is 400 a month cheaper, hope I get it, having no money at all.

- Then I'm also afraid I would regret it, because the location is perfect: I selected it so that the commute is only 17 minutes. And that really is a lot better than 30. I really hate spending time getting somewhere and getting back all the time. So inefficient.

- Then I also don't want to be that asshole that goes back on his word.

- Then I also don't want to fall into the trap of indecision. I decided. I may encounter some better options, I might not. I should stick to my decision and move on.

- Then I'm also afraid of not having the discipline to live frugally and save anything. Or going into debt and staying there.

- Then I'm also afraid of hating my life because I have no discretionary spending...

> Ok, ok, ok. Many things to fear. But you made the decision, right? Did you do that lightly?

- No. I calculated the budget.

- I did it in fear though. Now I'm afraid that it's a mistake.

> Where have we seen that before?

- On the moving decision. On any big decision. I tend to get over it.

> How about just sleeping on it, hmm?

- Yes, I will do that. Thank you.

[Edit]: did NOT sleep, was plagued by fear and self-doubt.

Edited April 1, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 6 of no coffee

Today is a workday, and I feel like I can't do it without coffee. It is a hallucination, though. I am already doing it without coffee.

I have learnt that if I stop pretending that I need things, eventually I will get into the flow.

[flowboy]

It's hot, summery weather. I do not have a girlfriend. Dating is basically forbidden by the government.

I haven't ejaculated in 23 days.

Hard mode enabled.

Quite literally.

[flowboy]

On 24-3-2020 at 2:11 PM, flowboy said:

Realisations about Boundaries and Standards

Contract negotiations with potential employers have gotten me so stressed lately that it's been hard to sleep or work. The worst seems to be over now. Because I realised something: Nothing is happening if it doesn't meet my requirements.

I'm perfectly fine where I am. And if I don't get desperate about making it happen right now, I won't get screwed.

Wanting to make it work too badly will get you into trouble.

Haah, remember when I wrote this? It really seemed like a realisation I would stick to, huh.

What actually happened is: my desperate hurry to get this move "over with" won at first. I signed a contract to go work for too many hours, for too little money, leaving me too little free time. Then I proceeded to sign a rental contract for a minimum of 12 months, which was at least 500 per month over budget, leaving me barely any budget for groceries, let alone savings.

I then told the girl that I was doing all this for, that I was telling myself was not doing all this for, that "the deal is done". I was convinced that I would be living together with her soon, in a great apartment, with a better job, better everything, and on my way to financial independence.

I then could barely sleep for a couple nights. Something didn't feel right.

Then the awful realisation crept over me that I may have just done something stupid. I called a friend, who confirmed in fact that my plan was crazy. So, in a pit of despair and even some suicidal thoughts (not seriously though), I called the landlord and said that I wouldn't be able to afford it, I emailed my prestigious new employer that I had fought so hard for, told them I wasn't coming, and asked for my old job back. I was mocked a bit but accepted.

Then a few days later I got tired of the shifty unmotivated attitude of the girl I was dating. Asked her point blank whether she loved me or not. She said no.

Turns out she has an avoidant attachment style. To her, it had not been serious at all. What I thought was a relationship was not that, and did not have the potential either. In hindsight, I can see the signs I missed.

 

So that all came crashing down pretty quickly. And I have to say it was a blessing.

It taught me what to look for and what to avoid in a partner. It killed the last shred of desire for a prestigious job, the last shred of doubt that entrepreneurship is the only path I value, and I'm done ego tripping about so-called prestigious jobs. It's still wage slavery.

Not that I'm not grateful for the opportunity, but it would have been a step sideways, not forward. Even slightly backwards, because it would have shrunk my time budget and my money budget.

 

So I moped around for about a day and then immediately pivoted to put all my free time and energy into starting a business.

It still feels like an impossible wall to climb at times. But at least I am determined: I have no doubts and thoughts of other attractive options distracting me now.

Edited April 29, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I want to start a dopamine detox next week. Going to figure out the details of that.

Reasons being:

• I am dependent on coffee to feel good and get anything done, sadly, and it's fucking up my sleep.
• I am addicted to messaging and getting replies, and it's fucking up my deep work. Even though I'm not the most social guy, somehow I find myself interrupting my work to find out whether someone's read my message and said anything back. It's not just phone, it's also facebook and this forum. Generic addiction to getting replies and proof of attention.
  And it's a problem because whenever I'm about to get into the work zone, that's a trigger to crave checking messages instead. So it prevents me from going into the zone
• I crave sweetened processed yoghurt in the morning so much that I'll actually rush to the supermarket to get it, even at risk of being late for work. Madness.

Also, all the productivity hipsters are doing a dopamine detox these days, can't fall behind!

But seriously, I think I'm finally hear the message. Like before, I did have the goal of using my phone less, and succeeded for a while but slipped back into it, because I didn't take it seriously enough.

I didn't realize how much it takes motivation away from the important things.

Like: why am I not super-motivated to do this important thing? Ahh, because I fill all my empty moments with youtube videos and podcasts. Right, that makes sense.

And sure I can push through, I've learnt to do that and trained my willpower quite a bit. But as long as I still fill my life with overstimulation, it will remain hard and willpower-draining to even work normally.

At least that's the hypothesis, and I'm excited to find out whether that's true for me.

[Jai]

Hey man you're working on a lot of stuff that is problematic for a lot of people. that's definitely the case with excessive/mindless phone and internet use. I mean this technology is designed to hold your attention and distract you. It's almost universal in the sense that most people deal with it to a certain degree. And once you decide to "work on it" only does it become evident how difficult a habit it is to break. I'm working on this now also. I'm old enough to remember a time before 24/7 access to internet and cell phones. I held out forever on getting a smart phone also. For a lot of years I also never paid for internet at home because I would just go check it at the library. And there all the computers were usually taken so I had to use the express 15 minute computer. Being on a timer is a blessing, just check what you need to check and that's it. With the coronavirus lockdown I've unfortunately been sucked into the rabbit whole of wandering on the internet.

There is productive use and unproductive use. For both phone and internet. When I'm working, occupied, busy it's not as much of a problem. But now I'm being tested.

I gave up caffeine a couple of years ago. It's definitely worth it. I have a more consistent energy and I don't turn to coffee for a boost. Early on it's hard to give up because it also gives an emotional comfort when stressed out.

I'm also trying to build good habits. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother... it seems like there's a lot of successful people out there with a lot of bad habits... it's like they live with them, or use them as outlets/distractions. I don't know. The problem is I pay a big emotional/spiritual price for binging on a bad habit.

I've been no porn for 9 months which is great... but I'm struggling with retention and a realistic and beneficial habit for retention and release.

Anyway keep at it

[flowboy]

Tomorrow morning, I'm starting a 2 week dopamine detox - where I cut out all activities that are rewarding but not beneficial. I'm optimizing for earned pleasure. The satisfaction from working, and when I need something else I'm going to turn to reading, reflecting, journaling, walking in nature, and conversation with good friends. I'm also allowed to play guitar and do as much exercise as I want.

I will post my 'begin state' tomorrow.

 

[flowboy]

Day 1

Good morning!

Let's review the things to abstain from for 2 weeks:

• Reading comments
• Participating in discussions
• YouTube
• Netflix
• Any video, except the ones in the course I'm doing and the videos in the exercise app I'm using
• Coffee
• Sugar
• Alcohol
• Smoking
• Texting
• Social media
• Dating apps
• PMO
• Tea with caffeine
• Video games
• Podcasts
• Audiobooks
• Sex
• Processed food
• Going shopping just to look at cool things
• Dating
• Reading stuff on the internet and going down wikipedia rabbit holes

I'll make a list and hang it on my wall.

Though it's not about these activities in particular, it's more about detecting whenever I'm chasing unearned pleasure to escape. For example, my work performance has been suffering because I'm hooked to checking my text messages like a rat on cocaine, and will get impulses to do this right when my focus was about to deepen.

Replacement activities

• Going for walks in nature
• Reading and taking notes
• Fiddling with guitar
• Calling/seeing friends
• Reflecting
• Journaling

Also, I start my fast today. I want to do 3 days, to get a good reset and give my body the time to heal and declutter.

That means that I can have breakfast Wednesday May 6th.

Begin state

Very brainfoggy. I feel like to be properly awake, I need the massive amount of coffee that I've habituated myself to.

Physically, I feel like a machine with dirt stuck in the gears. I'm not seeing as sharp, I feel that annoying pressure in my ear, lymph nodes are swollen, breathing feels kind of heavy and there's some tiny sharp pains from my chest sometimes. Also my heart rate's been "resetting" where it changes the rhythm noticably, quite frequently.

I'm interpreting this as damage incurred from stress, bad sleep and caffeine abuse.

I'm excited to give my body some time off so it can heal.

Edited May 3, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

End of day 1. This is what I did:

• Ran 4km
• Called a friend
• Read 20 pages
• Took a nap
• Listened to music while doing dishes and it opened the floodgates. I'm still crying.

With the emotional release, I feel a sort of compassion for myself that it feels like I've been lacking. That with all the pushing myself, I'm not being nice to myself and giving myself the sense that it's never enough, I'm never good enough, never working hard enough by my own standards.

I wondered today whether in my childhood I picked up the idea somewhere that my natural personality is not good and I need to change myself. Well I definitely did, come to think of it. Most of high school I was getting bullied and misunderstood and it made me desperate. I thought that if I got really strong, then people would accept me for example. I tried dressing like the cool kids. So much self hate.

And now, I wonder how much of that is propelling me today..?

Or, holding me back..

Edited May 4, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 2

Good morning!

It's 11am. I'm seeing a lot sharper.

Did a stiff Freeletics workout, took a cold shower, enjoyed a guided meditation by Steve Guarino.

Feeling slightly hungry but it's tolerable.

 

I had a conversation with my mom yesterday. Apparently she believes that working hard to make lots of money is not going to make me happy. She believes I should take a break from all the ambitiousness and just be happy with my job, and use the rest of my time to do whatever my heart desires.

I understand where she's coming from. But it's hard to hear, because I'm afraid it will make me give up. I connect her message to the voice in my head telling me to take it easy when I was planning to do something hard.

Part of me is just afraid that my mom is always right. And now that she doesn't believe I should get into business, I'm doomed, it will never work out.

I'm glad that I did Primal Intensive, and learnt to separate myself from this inner parent. My parents are not always right, and they mean well but they don't understand.

 

I looked at my Big 5 test results of a year ago. I scored in the 0th percentile of conscientiousness, and also the 0th percentile of industriousness. That's extremely low, it basically says I'm lazy and unproductive by nature.

Fuck the Big 5. I don't think it's accurate, I don't think the test on Jordan Peterson's website is any good, and I don't think I answered the questions correctly, I probably went overboard out of self hate. And it's also very fixed - pretending someone's nature is just what it is.

It scared me, though. Am I fighting my nature and doomed to fail? Or give myself stress and diseases because it's just not in my nature to be working this hard? That's my biggest fear, I think.

One that can easily be proven wrong, by getting some results.

[flowboy]

Conversation with my friend set me straight:

• He's an ambitious and hard-working person I look up to. My perception of him was that he was always tirelessly working on something. But he assured me, he also has days where he stays in bed late, and that perception is just because I'm not observing him 24/7. Instead, we mostly communicate about results to each other
• He also said this: Longevity is important, and it's a marathon, not a sprint. It's good to find a configuration of your life where you can maximize your output over a long period.

 

[flowboy]

I'm proud of myself. I just cold-called a person I wanted to interview, while I was fasted and decaffeinated.

Basically, I was almost sleeping in my chair, brain barely functioning.

Turns out (and I knew this) that when doing something scary, the brain turns on!

 

I was so happy with that result, that I went for a spontaneous 4km run. Who says you need to eat before working out?!

Now around 4pm, I do feel slightly weak and am looking forward to food again.

I'll try having some minerals in water.

 

[6:30PM] Man, this is weird. I'm about 44 hours into the fast and suddenly I'm getting hungry and antsy. And a big boost of energy. There is the urge to do something. I want to wash dishes but there are none. Guess I'll fold laundry.

My speculation would be that this is the part where my lizard brain realises that we're out of meat and it's time to hunt??

I guess my body has started to produce ketones. If I had one of those ketone strips to pee on, I could prove it. But I don't have those, because I'm not a freak. But if I were to eat some fat right now, I bet I could run real fast.

Edited May 4, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 3

[5am] Good morning!

I dreamt some complicated stuff, it had to do with someone experimenting with visualisation, but it was loopy. Kind of like what happens when I have a fever, I get very complicated dreams.

But: the alarm went off, and I feel like I've slept enough!! That hasn't happened in 6 months. I walked over to the alarm, then started making my bed and getting dressed like I was programmed to. Also, before going to sleep yesterday, I wasn't watching youtube, or listening to podcasts. It was just silent, me reading in bed. That and no caffeine is really doing wonders for my sleep.

And I'm seeing a lot sharper. Colors are more intense, too, did not expect that effect.

To complete a 72 hour fast, I can eat something at 22:00 tonight. Or I could try to sleep on it and start eating tomorrow. I will see.

Of course, if I start feeling unhealthy, I will break my fast earlier. But so far I feel fine. Got my energy back yesterday. I read a whole bunch before I went to sleep. Mostly what I feel is clarity, muscle soreness and slightly weak/hungry.

[flowboy]

[11am] Some mineral salts brought my energy back. Interestingly though, I'm cold in this room and my friend is not. It seems my body is saving on heating, but not on brain power. Makes sense, wise choice

[4pm] we worked out HARD, twice today. One workout with burpees and sprints, and later a session of tabatas with many different exercises. And now I'm typing away like a maniac. The energy was first a bit undirected, but now I'm focused and I want to work. I'm excited to type up my notes. This is crazy. 3 days no food and I'm just as fit and way more focused and energetic.

[8am] Just got home. Bought chicken and spinach. Was planning to cook and eat at 10, but now I realise that that plan is interfering with the principle of going to bed on time, so that I can get up on time.

So, I suppose it's going to be a 80 hour fast instead!

Looking forward to break-fast tomorrow!

Edited May 5, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 4

[5am] It's surprising to me how easy it is to get used to fasting. I'm sleeping really really well. I feel so calm and relaxed in bed. I also remember feeling distinctly hot, like my body was cooking something. But in a calm, healthy way.

Regardless, it's been 80 hours of no food, and it's time to start this engine back up again. I've read that one should be careful when starting to eat again. So I started with taking a bite of coconut oil. I suppose that will be quite easy for my system, since I'm in ketosis. I might have some lemon juice too.

[6am] I went for my regular 4km run, and it was enjoyable, but a lot harder than usual. I'm not entirely surprised, since I've been working out like a beast and not eating for several days.

[8am] That was the best fried egg ever...

[12pm] Needed a nap after eating oatmeal with olive oil, eggs and blueberries. Digesting oatmeal definitely makes me sleepy and unfocused. I could barely follow the conversation at work, it was like I was only using 20% of my attention.

So, what I could do about that is buy the gluten-free kind, and also only eat it in the evening.

I realised something: I didn't plan time to eat into my schedule. I think I was planning to do that during work, just prepare it days before and then warm up containers of it, and eat those while continuing to work.

I don't like that idea anymore. It's multitasking, it's not good for my focus, and it also makes it so that there is no reward at the end of the work day. So I will change that.

 

Having some mild coffee and sweetened yoghurt cravings. Also some mild texting-my-friend-cravings. Very mild.

[4pm] Work (programming) feels different without coffee. I'd describe it as dry. It's less interesting, and one time I had the urge to get up and take a walk. But because I'm so disciplined, I kept going and got into a better flow after that.

I know this effect is temporary, although it could be 1-2 months before I'm just as enthusiastic without caffeine.

[5:40pm] At the end I was doing something really fun, but somehow I was able to stop on time and stick to schedule! I would never be able to stop doing something fun on time on caffeine

Edited May 6, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 5

Decided to use my fasting momentum to try intermittent fasting today. Basically: not eating until the work is done. I like the idea of not mixing them up: mindfully working, and mindfully eating afterwards.

I took a walk in the sun and I feel happy and positive. I'm drinking sparkling water with a slice of lemon and it tastes a-ma-zing! It's like my senses are sharper.

Bought some groceries for my meal consisting of several two-ingredient parts. All basics. Looking forward to that.

Finding a way with not texting. What I do now is I turn my phone on for the first time during lunch break, then I check to see whether anyone tried to message me. If so, I call the person, and if they don't pick up I leave a voice message explaining that I'm trying this new thing where I don't text and call more. That's my strategy to get my contacts used to it.

And then of course I will have to learn who who is available at which times. My second calling opportunity is in the evening, when I'm washing dishes.

[4pm] I am in the ZONE. Drinking only lemon water and ginger tea. Being my super focused, 'precise' self.
Maybe it's a bit harder to get there without coffee, but it's better and lasts longer.

Edited May 7, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 6

Getting up at 5am is going well!

I underestimated the time needed to eat. Really to have a relaxed meal, including the cooking of it, I need 1 hour and 40 minutes.

Actually this is not bad since it's all the eating of the day. But I underestimated it. Also underestimated the crash from suddenly switching on the digestive system. Comparable to caffeine crash, actually, looking at the difference in mental energy before and after.

But this crash feels very satisfied, whilst the caffeine crash has a more hopeless and depressed flavor. Different strokes for different folks.

I'm contemplating eating in two phases: first the protein and vegetables and fats. After that, I can probably still function a bit and work a bit more. Then after that I could have a meal with more carbs, which makes me more sleepy.

[flowboy]

Day 7

[7am] Good morning!

Unfortunately, in my digestive daze I did set my alarm for the right time, but did not turn it on.

Now I'm feeling hazy as hell, sleeping too much usually does that.

And kind of bummed, because I've put myself through a couple days of rigid scheduling and intermittent fasting, making me super productive, but the only one who benefitted was my employer.

Somehow I cut all the entrepreneurship-related tasks out of my schedule. What happened?!

 

My first thought on waking up is: oh man, I'm not making progress. All the friends following a conventional, pre-carved path, at least they have a house and a partner. I'm 27 and I live in a glorified room/small studio apt, I have no curtains and haven't had curtains for 2 years. It's been on my to-do list for 2 years, and somehow I haven't gotten to it. Like what the hell is wrong with me that I can't bring myself to install curtains.

It's kind of comical.

[1pm] Really wish I could have a cheat day for caffeine. Heavy brain fog.

When I was meditating it was like my mind is throwing all these random things at me: strange shapes, random memories, emotions and people from the past, strange, abstract visions of things and creatures morphing into other things and creatures...

All of this while I was trying to visualise a meadow..

[1:10] Just realised I put my clothes in the dryer but didn't turn it on.

I'm going to have to start turning things on.

[4:30pm] Decided to take action on the curtains Went to the hardware store. Felt proud of being goal-oriented through the haze.

I need to prioritize improving some essential elements in my immediate environment, so that I can be effective.

Hence, I bought an air conditioner today to help me survive the summer, and I'm working on blackout curtains so that I can sleep well. No more messing around.

 

Also: it's a summery day and there are girls in bikini sunbathing. It's giving me immediate boners. So at least something is getting turned on

However, I decided to abstain from any sexuality. I wonder, is that why I feel the need to fix my life? Maybe it's not a myth that you become more 'conquering' as a man when you don't chase sexual stimulation. Maybe the religious guy with the strong jaw on youtube had a point.

Edited May 9, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Day 9

I was slightly ill and bed-ridden yesterday and could have really gone for a movie. Instead, got a lot of reading done!

Today I got up at 5 am without a problem, but still tired. I went for the powernap, then changed my mind and just sat at my desk and powered through. I wouldn't be sleeping if I were at work for the boss, so I shan't be sleeping now.

Could have used some caffeine. However, the advantage of not having it is that I can sleep whenever I need to, and work whenever I want to.

[flowboy]

Day 10

Did another cold call! Way early in the day, and without coffee.

 

I've started listening to music that literally gets me high. Have a sudden appreciation for the rhymes of Eminem.

I'm wondering whether that should violate the rules of dopamine detox? I think it does, its' literally a high I prefer over reading. Although it also brings out feelings of strength and motivation, which is beneficial.

Maybe I'll use it as a reward. We'll see.