Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Realisations about Boundaries and Standards

Contract negotiations with potential employers have gotten me so stressed lately that it's been hard to sleep or work. The worst seems to be over now. Because I realised something: Nothing is happening if it doesn't meet my requirements.

I'm perfectly fine where I am. And if I don't get desperate about making it happen right now, I won't get screwed.

Wanting to make it work too badly will get you into trouble.

• I saw [X employer] as the only option, because I went there, it seemed perfect, I nailed the interview. And I did not feel like I could do it again. But of course, I could nail another interview. I'm very employable and there are many good options out there for me.
  What also played a part in my scarcity mindset, is that I had no money in my account due to paying the deposit for an apartment. And I have only one presentable pair of pants left, but it has a rip in it. If I wouldn't wear underwear, my balls would hang out. And I've managed to hide this throughout the interview process, and needed the money that I had left for food.
  You can see how I came to think that I wouldn't "get away with it again".
  But actually, this is not true. The process is repeatable, I have money for pants, I'm just being lazy about it.
• I want to move as soon as possible because I have a fear that if I postpone it too long, my relationship with the person I'm dating will fizzle out.
  But if that were true, it's not a good relationship to begin with. Investment has to be there on both sides.
  And it is, so far. But it is a requirement for a healthy connection. I have to stay mindful of that. In the past I've often been way more invested than the other, which doesn't work.
  So, actually my requirement for this relationship is that it can survive some months apart, and that she does her part of the taking initiative in communicating and date-planning.
  If that's not there, I'm not interested.

So if I remove the relationship-saving fallacy, and remove the false feeling of employer-scarcity, what's left?

• I have decided that I want to move, and don't want to postpone unnecessarily, because I'm not so productive in this in-between limbo state. Better get it over with
• As it currently is, I would be excited about being closer to the girl again.

However, these things are not so urgent that I have to violate my own boundaries. I'm fine where I am.

That removes my weak spot in the negotiation. I can now ask for what I need to be comfortable, and methodically build up the plan.

First job, then housing. If housing falls through, postpone job. If that makes the job fall through, so what.

I start the game over again. This time being more efficient, better at asking for the right things, because I know what's important to me:

• Short commute. SUPER important
• Food taken care of by employer (chef onsite). BIG plus. This saves me 2-3 hours of cooking and dishwashing each day, which is hard to put a price on given what you can do with 3 hours a day.
• They have no problem with me doing business ventures on the side. Hard requirement
• They do not have a clause in the contract that says that anything I create in my free time is also theirs. Hard requirement
• The salary offsets the rent in that area

 

[flowboy]

Why did I drink so much coffee?

- Because I did it yesterday and the day before. I somehow liked the idea of drinking it more than I actually liked it.

What was I telling myself?

- "One cup won't do it, let's have two"

How will I handle this next time?

- Tomorrow, I will throw the filter out after the first cup, and immediately make a thermos of green tea, which I will switch to

[flowboy]

Why didn't I do the budget admin stuff I planned?

- Because I had to make a trip to the office, and then at the office I got an unexpected call that I decided to wait for, so I was there longer than necessary and wrote a journal entry from there. It derailed my schedule though, because I let it, because I had forgotten my timebox, and when I was supposed to be back. So I also went shopping, because I craved sugar as a reward/celebration of something.

I did not buy the cake I craved, instead went for bananas which satisfied the sugar craving.

But still, I let some unexpected events and emotions derail my plan.

What was I telling myself?

"It's not important to follow my plan, because something way more significant happened"

How will I handle this next time?

Next time when I have to leave, I will look at when to be back, write that on the schedule if it needs to be altered, and take my schedule with me.

I will remember that success is a process, not an event.

Therefore, no amount of events make up an excuse to not follow the plan.

[flowboy]

I'm worried about the weird feeling in my ear that has been there for a few months. I'm worried that if it is something bad, no doctor will have time for me now. I'm scared of suffering and being distracted by pain.

> Do you believe it's something bad?

No. But, it's not going away by itself and I don't know what it is or what to do about it.

> Do you remember what the doctor said last time?

Not clearly. But she didn't see any reason to be concerned.

> So you don't believe it's something bad, and at some point there will be doctors available again. So is it really a problem?

You're quite right, alter ego. I'll be fine.

 

I'm worried the landlord might pressure me to pay extra for the furniture, and I'll go over budget.

> Didn't we just make a journal entry about that?

Oh, right. The boundaries. But if I lose the apartment, I might not find anything on time.

> So then what?

Then I just postpone the new job, that's right. And if I lose it, I lose it. I'm fine where I am, as well. I remember now.

I might even be able to start there and work remote until I find something else!

Many things could happen, all of the outcomes I'm okay with.

[flowboy]

[6:00am] Good morning!

I feel like such a shithead for leaving my employer for another. He's been so good to me!

[flowboy]

I'm already tempted to drink more coffee. But my visualisation helped: I did what I planned and made a boatload of green tea. I'm going to finish that first.

[flowboy]

[6:05am] Good morning. Got up at 5:50, so we're back in the groove.

I couldn't get back to sleep the last hour in the morning - brain too busy with what I have to do next to complete the move.

My new plan is to quit coffee over the weekend. So today and tomorrow I will finish what I have left, and then go cold turkey saturday, sunday and Monday. Then Tuesday I'll start being fine.

 

[12:31] Just like yesterday, it's SO HARD to sit still and work...

I constantly get impulses to jump up, walk around, eat something, drink something, do anything but the work...

It wasn't like that in January.

I blame these factors:

• Due to the moving project, I deemed it essential to be reachable on my phone by potential employers and potential landlords. That led to a renewed addiction to texting and checking responses.
  Today is the first day since over a month that I feel I can safely turn off my phone during work again.
  
  But it will take some time to get back to that place of extended focus at will again. Some excruciating hours of wanting to move and feeling that pain will be necessary. I will do some of that work today.

 

• I also blame coffee. It just makes you more frantic. Luckily, my stash is gone and I am not buying more.
  
  Preparing for headaches and days of poor brain function and frustration...

Edited March 26, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I was in that non-comprehensive state where I felt energised, but like I had access to only 10% of my intellect.

When you read things and hear things and your brain doesn't respond with understanding, and doesn't serve up interpretations, images and ideas.

So you read them over and over again.

I tend to correct people's grammar and phrasing, to make it seem like I'm following along.

 

 

I got out of it by drinking green tea, rearranging my screens so I could have better posture, and resolving to sit down and not do any distraction for the next 3 hours.

Granted, I'm doing this.

But I got out of it. That's the point.

I still don't understand the code, but I at least have a path forward, and I'm sticking it out.

[flowboy]

Why did I drink beer again?

- I wanted to relax after a hard day. And apparently I felt like without alcohol there was no escape

What was I telling myself?

- "I can't be all perfect all at once"

How will I handle this next time?

- I will remember that these are the moments that matter most. Where I feel like I have to be weak, but actually that is the best opportunity to be strong.

And I will remember that actually, it's never as bad as it seems, and I can evolve the quickest and make the biggest leaps if I keep sacrificing comfort.

 

[flowboy]

[6:00am] Morning!

Came really close to jumping back in. Do NOT feel like I've slept enough, at all.

How can I improve this:

• Stop drinking alcohol, it ruins your sleep
• Get blackout curtains
• Stop listening to lectures while sleeping

[10:00] Have to take a powernap. Extreme mental fatigue. See you in 45

[10:53] Partially screwed up the powernap, because I played a video during it that required mental attention.

That's been the root of my problems all my life. Failure to make choices.

So sleep should be just sleep. Not sleep and listening to something/being inspired.

 

[13:23] I took ANOTHER powernap, this time without sound, and it didn't help. I just lay there, worried that I didn't set my alarm right.

Tried working again, but finally decided to just take the afternoon off. Damn. Feels like failure.

There's a lot of things I can do being not well rested, but programming isn't one of them.

 

Somehow my sleep gets fucked up. Is it my lack of curtains? Probably. Why haven't I fixed that yet

 

My mind is torturing me, showing me all the mistakes I made and the way my life could have been, had I not been such an idiot...

Edited March 27, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Also today, I got up at 5:50 and did my routine workout, cold shower and meditation.

It was hard. I felt underslept, tired, almost sick. But I still did it. And now I feel great.

 

Between 10 and 12 I tried to take a nap. I just laid there in bed. It was too light to sleep.

It felt great, though, to allow myself that space. To just lie there. Maybe read a book.

I was careful about not checking my text messages, and not putting on a video to listen to.

I read a good part of the Elon Musk book, though.

 

Walking through the city, I feel calm. Happy. Purposeful. Not in a rush. Empathetic.

Like there is space to empathize with people, because I'm not in a rush. I see the human across from me. Everyone is dealing with the circumstances in their own way.

I smile at people, to let them know that it is okay. It's not illegal to be cheerful (yet )

Without Coffee

So, although I'm not feeling very pumped, like I normally would be, I actually am quite mentally sharp, able to make decisions and get things done, calmly - oh my god, this CALM is priceless.

Not going back to drinking coffee anytime soon!

Physically I just feel sooo much better. Smoother. Calm. No heart palpitations. No general tension around my heart area. No tingling extremities. No feeling of dehydration and eyeballs being pushed out of my skull.

Edited March 28, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Dark Afternoon of the Soul

I'm going through a phase apparently, where I just see so clearly how my ego attachments have held me back in the past, it's quite jarring.

All of the different things I wanted to be. Wanting to have an interesting life, to be seen as interesting and cool. Man that's an expensive addiction.

Wanting to be successful with women (as if I wasn't), no, but REALLY successful, like a total player. Sure I bet that's possible, but needing to be that (and failing) for my ego just put me through SO much mental agony.

All this wanting to be interesting, wanting to be popular and have lots of friends and girlfriends, even wanting my own girlfriends' approval so much that I went to all these parties with her... This is what prohibited me from focusing on one thing, like my university studies, or entrepreneurship.

Wanting to be is a trap...

And now I'm scared that I made a mistake, a similar one, by renting a way too expensive place so I could look and feel like less of a failure.

What's next, wanting to be the boss of the business I would build, because it's satisfying to my ego to be the boss, even though someone else would do a better job? (Not sure that's true, just entertaining a worry)

Haha, that's ridiculous. I have no business yet, so all these thoughts are just cute nonsense.

Why am I 27 and still an employee?

> Ok, society says it's acceptable. I'm well paid, live on my own, have friends and a love life and basic personal hygiene. In society's view, I'm doing fine.

And I suppose, the above is why. I had ego attachments drawing my attention and energy all over the place.

And that is fine.

Maybe learning that lesson now will protect me from having to learn it later, when I'm successful. Ill-motivated spending sprees also get more painful, the more you have to spend.

I am not hurting, to be clear. Just feel like my mind is doing a necessary retro session on me, and making sure I don't fall into the same traps.

Actually kind of nice

Edited March 28, 2020 by flowboy

[Zigzag Idiot]

Quit Smoking Sep 10 [196 day streak];

? Good going guy. That's a pretty solid gain.

[flowboy]

@Zigzag Idiot  Thank you

 

 

Took my friend's advice and allowed myself to sleep in without an alarm. Oh what a joy.

 

Feel cloudy in the head because this is day 3 of no coffee, but way, way less stressed.

Edited March 29, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

[retro] Why did I not do the house cleaning that I planned?

- I slept in. Then I resolved to start the cleanup schedule 3 hours late, and just stick to it anyway whilst adding 3 hours to every time.

- This didn't feel like a firm commitment however. Because I was playing with the idea of tripping with people. I had subconsciously worked out that I would have to interrupt my Sunday cleanup routine early.

What was I telling myself?

- It's not going to get done anyway, because I expect to let social plans interrupt it. So let's just do it in a relaxed way, but not expect to finish it.

How will I handle this next time?

Next time, I will schedule plans on Sunday firmly after 16:00. Knowing that I will be winding down at 20:00

It would be nice if the house upkeep routine would take a bit less time than 10 god damn hours, so I will work on that.

[flowboy]

I decided to take a small dose of psilocybin truffles by myself.

I've been in an overwhelmingly chill mood all day, and I felt like tripping a bit while allowing myself the chill/recovery time I need.

It's kicking in as I type this.

I was able to advise some kids on how much they should take and which kind, when I was buying them.

I put on Shpongle and lit incense, while still doing my scheduling routine.

I'm really proud of that breakthrough. That I still hold that firm commitment to plan my next day.

And that I have the presence and the masculine responsibility to start doing that before the day becomes unpredictable/mushy/fluid.

 

[t+0:45] Sooo... if something interesting happened, I might report back.

[t+1:15] I stripped naked, laid down, rubbed coconut oil on myself and masturbated.

Incorporated the ass, too. I try not to fantasize too much, or work to a climax, but rather just enjoy the sensations.

I feel like I'm preparing for a very monomanic busy time, where I will not date a lot of women. So that neediness for female company has no place in my life currently.

But I can still be sexual.

 

[t+1:20] I'm having a good time. I'm taking more.

[t+2:20] Sensual part of the trip has come to an end. I was showing my body appreciation with massage. My body knows it's appreciated.

Shpongle is great - especially the "Tales of the Inexpressible" album.

I should shave more and pay more attention to my feet.

I feel like falling asleep and eating some yoghurt. Not in that order.

I consider taking more, but it's too late for that. I want a good night's sleep. And besides that would be greedy. I'm having a great time as it is.

Once Upon the Sea of Blissful Awareness is playing. What a great track, it's so beautiful.

I'm sleepy.

I put on Terence McKenna while Shpongle is still playing at the same time. I resolve to go to bed and brush my teeth.

Suddenly, it wants me to do stretches. Stretching is the most amazing feeling now. I do some side stretches and make circles with my head and my arms. I should really find a space in my routine for a little yoga.

Edited March 29, 2020 by flowboy

[flowboy]

A smart friend said to me: Perhaps risk-aversion is the one thing blocking me.

I think he's right.

All my choices have been optimizing for security, double security. I've paid so much money just to be sure.

Successful people are risk-tolerant.

Then, how do I become risk-tolerant?

[dharma-shishyah]

Responding to your last question: (just a guess) by visualizing positive outcomes instead of negative ones. By progressively taking on larger risks, starting small, and challenging your own fears/negative prognostications. 

Anyway from what you've been writing, it seems that you have taken pretty good steps already, in confronting the unknown and taking new steps. So take the opportunity to congratulate yourself on that!

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, dharma-shishyah said:

Responding to your last question: (just a guess) by visualizing positive outcomes instead of negative ones. By progressively taking on larger risks, starting small, and challenging your own fears/negative prognostications. 

Anyway from what you've been writing, it seems that you have taken pretty good steps already, in confronting the unknown and taking new steps. So take the opportunity to congratulate yourself on that!

@dharma-shishyah Thank you for your encouraging words, and this useful advice! Really, this is just what I needed. I'm going to write this down and integrate it

[flowboy]

Day 4 of no coffee - Less euphoric, more productive!

Yep... I haven't even finished recalibrating my neuroreceptors, and despite that I'm already doing way better.

• I have more willpower
• I find it easier to put distractions aside and close those tabs, because my excitement level is lower
• I have more stamina: been doing something I truly hate all day, and I can still keep going!
• Even though some task is daunting, I'm hating it but calmly hating it. Without the heart palpitations and panic quits