Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Back on coffee and hating it

Two weeks ago I had that moment where I felt desperate for alertness, and consumed coffee.

Every subsequent day since, I have drunk it. Which shows how addictive it is.

And I'm not better off - moments of feeling awake and alert are now very rare. I almost never feel like I've slept enough and I'm ready. I always need more coffee and it doesnt help, all it does is make it harder to fall asleep.

I'm watching my sleep times more now so that I go to bed on time. However yesterday I stayed with a friend. Went to sleep at half past 8, which is nicely on time. 

However I felt a sudden jolt of energy and could not sleep until 2. After which I got up at 5.

That day I performed poorly at work. I was so angry at the unfairness of it (I did everything right! Poor me ensoforth) that I just drank an unholy amount of coffee, and when that didnt wake me up, I left work because I felt it unfair to charge my employer for just blankly staring at my screen.

My initial plan was to drink a strong beer so I could fall asleep through the caffeine. But luckily, it was not necessary.

I must have slept from 5 pm till 430 am, almost 12 hours.

I felt ready and awake for a few moments this morning. Now my feeling is back to mentally drained. Drinking many cups of coffee, which doesnt help anymore. No ability to think abstractly. Communicating is a chore.

What am I doing wrong?

One recent change I can think of, other than caffeine abuse, is listening to audiobooks while doing the dishes. And while going to work. And reading in any spare moment.

Perhaps my brain is tired because it's not having as many idle moments as it used to?

Maybe my model of efficient use of time is too simplistic. I assumed I could use any idle moment for learning. But maybe that can get too exhausting for the mind.

I'm reading that Bill Gates does the dishes every night, as a way to empty his mind. So without audiobooks.

Hmm.

I have too little data to really draw a conclusion.

What's for sure is that the coffee is going away again - I always abuse it and it ends in desperate mental exhaustion every time.

EDIT: I WAS DEHYDRATED

I just drank 4 tall glasses of water and feel a whole lot better. Not sleepy anymore, a lot less foggy and a lot less cranky.

I think I made a critical error by replacing water with coffee. Which caused me to be dehydrated, which I interpreted as sleepiness and brain fog, and tried to remedy with more caffeine. That made me forget to drink anything else.

A serious bug in the system indeed.

Why didnt I feel thirsty? No idea. It also baffles me that I didnt crave sugar when my diet was lacking it. But hey I learnt something.

That settles it. Coffee is gone after today. I will allow myself to drink 1 cup of tea, preferably green, between 11 and 12, as an optional boost. Outside that window, just water.

Brain fog I will combat with water and eating fruit. I've noticed that refined sugar helps, but that's evil and causes me to feel yucky inside.

Edited December 17, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

The thing about a tightly packed week schedule is that even though it's attainable, when one thing goes wrong, a whole string of subsequent things come crashing down with it.

Can't sleep one night? Here's several days where you have to do a whole bunch of stuff while tired and not feeling up to it.

Neglected to do the dishes one time? Live in a mess for several days, until there is a time to catch up.

I woke up at 4:30am, without an alarm. But, I'm still dead tired. My nerves are full of stress.

I ran a small lap. Did one set of pull-ups. Meditated 5 minutes. Now I'm taking a nap.

[flowboy]

Extremely Focused Work Day

6 Glorious hours of relentless refactoring... My mind is a multilayered map of usage variations, language constraints and edge cases.

Really quite enjoyable. Feeling extremely motivated, decisive and mentally sharp.

Even when a friend called me right after work, when I'm usually beat and brainfoggy and grumpy, I was still sharp and decisive. No fog at all.

What Was Different

1. Little Food: Eating an ungodly amount at christmas dinner enabled me to survive on very little today: I had a bit of salad for breakfast (a bit, not my usual crapton) and two oranges during the day. I did feel hungry, but I also felt amazingly focused and motivated.
2. Took 2 St. Johns' Wort tablets instead of 1.
3. It was a sunny day. Yesterday there was a grey sadness where the sky usually is. Today, some sun came through. I suspect it makes a big difference.
4. I did drink coffee. Quite a lot, actually. I had some left and wanted to finish that first. I have learnt that coffee doesn't fix brain fog, but it does help speed up the mental processes involved in programming.
5. I had multiple glasses of water. Since that is clearly important.
6. I was doing something I like. I love refactoring. I'm good at it. The best, really. Screw those methodical people, I do this shit by intuition and take into account meaning and intention as well.

Too many variables have changed on too few data points to say anything for sure. But here's what I'm going with.

Intake for optimal mental function:

• Have very little food to digest. Be hungry
• Some caffeine
• Water
• Sugar, preferably natural

This is in line with what I'm finding time and again: I do my best work on days where I eat very little except for some fruit, and drink tea or water.

I would be curious to find out whether this is different when I'm digesting fish or meat instead of salad. I have a hunch that fresh vegetables and beans are orders of magnitude harder to digest than a big fatty slice of smoked salmon. But I will have to experiment.

For now, it is good to know that I will probably do very good work on One Meal A Day, but working up to that, I can function very well on mostly fruit and water until 4pm.

Edited December 19, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

25/12

Lap time: 30m

What went well:

• Even though I had only slept half a night (overused caffeine again, when will I learn..), I got up at 5:00 am, ran 4km, meditated 10 minutes, and had a partially cold shower. This enabled me to feel awake and get some stuff done very early
• Said no to texting

What went poorly:

• Power nap turned into whole-afternoon nap. Bet I needed that though
• Overused caffeine at work, then nerves were still too tight to sleep until 1am

How will I prevent that from now on:

• I designed a new routine where I start winding down an hour before I go to bed. I will make some calming herbal tea (hops, camomile or valerian root), do a yoga pose, and crawl in bed with a book. Leaving all devices far from the bed.
  I'm trying this routine out in a few hours

Edited December 25, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Habit status

Habits that are going well

1. Exercise
2. Meditation
3. No Alcohol
4. No Smoking
5. No Peak Orgasm
6. Getting up At 5 am

Habits that need improvement

1. Getting to bed by 9pm
2. Making daily schedule
3. Sticking to monthly and daily schedule
4. Drinking water instead of coffee

[flowboy]

Greatest Accomplishments Of 2019

Being me feels about the same, but my life is better in all the ways I envisioned when starting out at the beginning of this year:

• Got a job where I work 3 days a week, make more and am happier
• Fixed self esteem
• Quit smoking
• Started business
• Implemented routines and schedules that give me the right balance
• And let's not forget 17 new sexual encounters, adventures and relationships
• Planned ahead for more than a week (a year!) for the first time
• Implemented budget and got my finances under control
• Forged many friendships with motivated, driven men whom I look up to

Actually, most if not all of these are gifts I received, rather than accomplished, and feel eternally grateful for.

But since it's all One, I reserve the right to feel grateful and proud at the same time

 

 

Edited December 27, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

26/12

Lap time: 28m

[flowboy]

26/12

Lap time: 28m

What went well:

• Did Concentration exercise before meditation, made it better
• Did not drink coffee nor did I crave it. Green tea was great
• Finished all that I could do today about the project of getting my finances handled. I have separate accounts for recurring expenses that are charged with the exact right amount automatically. I give myself an allowance, and all I have to worry about is how to live on that amount for a week.
• Even finished filling out the big fat spreadsheet
• Decided to leave to see my parents in the window of time that is reserved for my daily schedule routine. I am on the train right now, doing it anyway

What went poorly:

• Heard alarm, got up to turn it off, got back into bed because it was cold. Still got up again at 5:10am so no harm done
• Although, I also started working 10 minutes late, because of that

How will I prevent that from now on:

• Don't get back into bed after turning off alarm. Very bad practice. At least finish morning routine, cold shower, some work. Then maybe nap.

Edited December 26, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

27/12

What went well:

• Even though I was in a different environment without my running shoes, I still found a way to do an equivalent workout at 5am and have a good meditation at 530am. Cat crawled on my lap during meditation.
• Felt really energetic and powerful in the gym. This is also my day 20 of not ejaculating. And it's noticeable!

What went poorly:

• Went to bed only slightly too late the evening before. But still, needed a big afternoon nap. I'm starting to think I'm a 9 hours of sleep person.
• The activities that I actually had planned, I did not do. Reasons:
  • I was in the wrong location
  • Travelling back took time
  • Nap took time

How will I prevent that from now on:

• Next time I go to my parents at 5, I will know that there is no way I can get back in time and still go to bed before 9. So, I must not plan my day as if I would be at home the next day. I must realize the extent of my commitment of going there. I shall plan activities that I can do there.

Edited December 27, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On 4-12-2019 at 1:32 PM, tsuki said:

I quit coffee few months ago because it was screwing up my meditation practice.
For the first week I experienced heavy headaches and abysmal sleepiness to the point where I had to take it very slowly.
I miss the taste and associated lifestyle but overall, I feel clearer. Like I'm not overstressing my brain.

If you feel useless to your employer, I'd suggest reframing the issue.
Are you really the employee that your employer is hiring, if you have to stimulate yourself to cover up your low days?
Aren't you perhaps selling the well-being of your body? Are you doing that for money?
Are you perhaps trying to please your boss with your performance?

@tsuki That sounds like a rough journey! Great that you made it through, and feel clearer now.

Luckily, my desire for coffee is actually diminished now. Perhaps because I had so much trouble with it. It's too early to say if it will stick, but lately I'm good with water, a little green tea and the extra energy from nofap

[flowboy]

28/12

Lap time: 32m

What went well:

• Even though I had only slept 5 hours, I still got up when I heard the first alarm, at 4:45am. With a lot less resistance! Ran my 4km, even though I felt sick from the lack of sleep. Did concentration and meditation
• Designed a solution to darken my room. Curtains won't do. I want pitch black. And I know how I'm going to do it.
• Finished the entire workout I had scheduled for the day, and a bit that I missed yesterday

What went poorly:

• Because men's group meeting ran until 11 30, I needed a 3 hour nap after meditation and running. This refreshed me, but it cut into my productive time of course.
• The darkening project is going to take more time than I had planned, I'm afraid.
• The tasks have been piling up. There are things for the current project, but apart from that there's some miscellaneous obligations or urgencies, and I haven't figured out how they fit into my new system yet. I suppose I just wait for a gap.

How will I prevent that from now on:

• The men's group meetings are only once a month. Next time, I will schedule the nap, so that it's not a surprise (making a note on my calendar right now)
• I will simply make a note of how long the home project takes - I am still building experience estimating this category
• The miscellaneous tasks I will simply put on a list next to the calendar part. Maybe even carry over to the next month. I can cross them off whenever there is a gap. And of course eliminate as many as possible.

Edited December 28, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On 4-12-2019 at 1:42 PM, dimitri said:

I also want to express my opinion  

I haven't drink coffee for 6 months or more, but then in the super positive day I wanted to drink coffee. I was so grateful for my life, like, what else I can do except just to drink coffee in the best restaurant in town? Nowadays, I drink few cups per day in the morning, all is good. I probably will drop it again after some time, will see. I see disadvantages and advantages of doing it.

It seems you are trying to run from underlying problem by drinking coffee. Try to relax, breath, maybe insight will come what the problem it is.
I was doing the same with porn for example, or with computer addiction in the past.

Have you tried micro-dosing? In such days like yours, use a micro-dose of shrooms or lsd, thank me later.  

Or just meditate, go walk in nature, make good for you, and there is nothing bad with drinking one cup of coffee.

Good luck.  

@dimitri Thank you!

I have indeed tried microdosing. Tried microdosing shrooms, I liked it. Now I regularly microdose LSD

[allislove]

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

@dimitri Thank you!

I have indeed tried microdosing. Tried microdosing shrooms, I liked it. Now I regularly microdose LSD

?

I did microdosing for quite a some time. I see the benefits but somehow I felt to discontinue doing it and so I did.

Recently my main tools are meditation and full trips. 

Happy New Year ?

[flowboy]

@dimitri  Happy new year to you too!

[flowboy]

Crawled back to bed, woke up at 6:30

This is why you never go back to bed after hearing the alarm. Because then you subconsciously learn that it is okay to do it the next time...and the next time you do fall back asleep.

No, however cold it is, once the alarm goes I am UP. Henceforth.

[flowboy]

Took xtc at NYE, underestimated hangover

Today is officially a day where I work on a project in a disciplined manner. However, I miscalculated the effects of partying in a certain way.

• I had one more day of vacation left that I gave myself.
• Decided to use it to go to a rave with an old friend.
• The old friend offered me drugs. I hesitated, but took some.
  • I wasn't going to, but what pushed me over the edge was that I had paid a lot of money for the ticket, and I had been feeling like absolute shit since I got there. Fearful, too insecure to talk to people, just an extremely low sense of self worth and being uncomfortable in my skin.
    • A contributing factor to that may have been the refined sugar binge I had before. My gut really did not like that, and I started feeling depressed right after.
• I conveniently forgot that I had plans to work on a project for the next day.
• Also I did not expect it to affect me the day after the next day. Which I could have known, since this is not my first time

So, I suppose today will just be an interesting experiment: can I work while every cell in my body wants to lie in bed and do nothing? I already slept in till 9.

Did however do a 100 pushups and 10 minutes of meditation at 6am, for what it's worth.

What the drugs showed me

Actually after it started working, I did not do any dancing. Or much socializing. Most of what we did was walk around in a daze, enjoying the body high and conversing. But at least there was a lesson:

• I sat down and felt my nerves in my limbs being very tight and full of stress
• With my eyes closed, I started seeing lines of code scroll past my vision field, from the code base at work
• I could not figure out what the purpose of dancing was. I remembered enjoying it in the past. This time, I was just very aware that I was standing around, moving my limbs in an awkward fashion, with no clear goal being accomplished. Also packed too tightly with other people to be able to go around and socialize freely. The music was too loud to hear each other. And I was too much in my head to be interested in others, really. So what was the purpose? It felt like a strange waste of time to me.

This made me realize how much I've been putting on myself with all these new rules, routines and discipline.

If I am on a dance floor and having trouble to figure out which goal it belongs to...

Not every minute of time I spend has to be for some goal. I can also just be alive, sometimes.

I will probably not repeat this experience anytime soon. The warm feeling of bonding was nice, yes. However I felt my eyes roll around too much to really be presentable to strangers, and was very aware of how artificial my feelings of love and empathy were.

It's like a toy I've outgrown.

Maybe I'll use it to have a special time with an intimate partner at some point.

But to meet people (women) I'd rather do completely sober, no matter how shitty I feel.

Although the wall of anxiety and feeling unworthy really seemed quite insurmountable this evening. Oh well.

I will not have refined sugar binges, because then I'll feel depressed. And when I feel depressed I might break some rules that fuck me up for several days.

[flowboy]

Why do people die?

- They've played out their role.

How to live long:

- Keep contributing to nature's evolution. Evolve. Imagination.

[flowboy]

I do have to go for the hottest girls, because how you do one thing is how you do everything.

Am I going to be scared to talk to the best clients too?

[flowboy]

What She Wants

I haven't even considered what she wants.

How about feeling into what she wants, and showing that side of you, if you have it?

I used to think that that is pleasing. But it can also be serving.

Once you get to a level where it's easy and natural to be authentic, you can tune into the other person and perceive how

best to get along, without betraying your authenticity.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Quit Smoking Sep 10 [107 day streak]; 

??‍♂️✌️