Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

[4:59]    Success

This was: easier to get up because my alarm scared the crap out of my girl friend person, but definitely harder to stick to the bedtime rule, because she arrived at 20:15pm.

And no, I did NOT get 8 hours of sleep. But, I was in bed by the time that I set out to be, so I will call that a success

Another success: Thanks to her willingness to accomodate my desire to not cum, we were able to have sex for more than an hour without me losing my semen. I came close several times, but managed to interrupt it, breathe and relax.

There's definitely a skill to this that carries over to the skill of not getting distracted in other activities. I notice that whenever I start fantasizing, so when I drift off into mental distraction, that is a warning sign that the peak orgasm is near. So avoiding that feels similar to staying focused on a task. Or meditating. How nice.

 

I just ran another lap. Like a pussy this time, not like a beast. All I could think was "I need sleep I need sleep I need sleep"

But no matter. I did it

Edited October 9, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

[5am]    Helloooo

[6am]    I've already lost an hour because I didn't schedule my day. I should remember that: not scheduling my day costs me at least an hour

Edited October 10, 2019 by flowboy

[allislove]

@flowboy knock-knock. All is good in the hood? 

[Raptorsin7]

Good luck in your journey man (: I read your first few posts from Jan and i hope you are doing much better now. You remind me of myself a lot haha so i will defs be reading your journal when i have time

[flowboy]

@dimitri  Yes, all is good, haha! Thank you I'm actually getting up at 7 this week, because I'm on another productivity retreat with a friend. So we get up at the same time, work out really hard, meditate, and do our hard work in synchronized blocks. It's great.

After this week, I will switch back to getting up at 5!

[flowboy]

@Raptorsin7 Awesome!!! And thank you.

I am indeed doing much better. And how about you?

[Raptorsin7]

@flowboy That's awesome great job (: I am doing ok, not bad, but not good either. I do a lot of meditation, i average about an hour of self inquiry a day and i usually get 5 or 10 minutes of concentration practice. I've also gotten really into yoga recently and am going at least 5 times per week. But my diet is still terrible, and i spend a lot of time procrastinating. I have a lot of work to do but I feel like i'm making progress.

[flowboy]

@Raptorsin7  Good work! That's a lot of practice you're getting in.

For procrastination, I can recommend focusing some months on really developing your own method of scheduling that works for you. Measure results every day. Take pride in getting things done. Build an ego around result-orientedness. It's worked for me.

?

Edit: also I'd take a look at what you're procrastinating. Is it important to you, or just busywork that you're attached to in some way?

Edited October 21, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Every time I manage to get up at 5, I play the song 'New York' by Sinatra, and sing along like an idiot. It's a good anchor.

[flowboy]

22/11

What went well:

• Got up at 5.
• Followed my schedule.
• Almost done creating year plan for 2020
• Went to the gym and stopped on time, so I had enough time to shower and get back before driving lesson
• Did not drink coffee, even though I felt like I really needed it
• Took microdose but did not take too much, so it worked well and didn't interfere with my plans

What went poorly:

• Because I watched Mad Men in bed until 12, I didn't have enough sleep and had to take 2 power naps during the day. The first one was refreshing but didn't feel like enough. The second one went to deep and I was groggy and inefficient for quite some time after.
• After power nap had to go to the gym, which I had scheduled enough time for. But it took me 10 minutes to wake up from my alarm, after that 15 minutes to dither around, sleepily getting my workout clothes. And then I forgot my shoes, so I had to go back which cost me another half hour, because at home I wasted some time deciding whether to go back.

How will I prevent that from now on:

• I will from now on start preparing for bed at 5 past 8, so I can start sleeping at 9 and be well rested at 5 am.

 

Edited November 23, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Been making good strides in my habits recently. I've quit coffee, am in the process of quitting alcohol. I get up at 5 am, and still sometimes fail but then it's 6 am, and I can get on with my schedule pretty quickly still.

I've added meditation back in without even planning to. I just feel like it.

I exercise every day - I have for the past 10 days and I don't wanna stop.

I don't cum, don't have time to fap, don't ever think about porn anymore.

I schedule my day the evening before and I feel no resistance.

Suddenly I begin to organically grow a morning routine. So weird. I've been failing to implement routines for a decade. Now it's just coming along effortlessly.

5am Wake up, put on gym clothes and start running in the dark.

Then meditate, shave, brush. Then I prepare big boxes of salad, which I consume during my 10 hour work day.

If there is some time left, I get to do some business goal-related task, before I leave for work.

 

Where routine used to frighten me and make me feel constrained and trapped and want to rebel, now I love it.

I need it.

What's the difference?

I have a big goal I'm working towards. Suddenly I'm motivated to keep my house neat and be a smooth running machine. I know that if I stay up late, that will fuck me up the next day, and the one after. And I actually care about that, now. A weekend is not just a weekend to me, a chance to relax and do random stuff. It's a chance to have several uninterrupted work days, getting 8 hours of productivity in as well as a  good workout.

 

Now all I need is a girl who understands me being driven, and will come over on sunday, get up with me at 5am and leave me alone for the rest of the week.

[flowboy]

Woke up with a hard-on for the first time in weeks. I take that as a sign that I slept enough, for the first time in weeks

[flowboy]

29/11

What went well:

• Did not compromise on my plan to work 8 hours a day: decided I could meet a date only after 18:50
• Did not drink coffee, not even on a work day where I was highly underslept
• Even though going to bed late, still got up at 5 am!

What went poorly:

• I invited someone over for dinner, mentioning that they could eat with me at 7 and I could still go to bed at 9, and not lose sleep. So far so good. But apparently I didn't have an accurate idea of what you can do in a 2 hour date. I decided to cook with her, eat with her and watch an entire movie (Beauty and the beast). This took 5 hours, unsurprisingly, and after that some additional time for sex, so I slept no sooner than 12. Which means I'm writing this lacking 3 hours of sleep.
• Came with the girl. I felt very sensitive and knew i had to be careful and unambitious, but wasn't. Lost some semen yesterday and some more this morning. Decided to not dwell on this for too long, and simply restart the habit immediately.

How will I prevent that from now on:

• During sex, when I feel like I'm too sensitive to carry on without cumming, I will pause and do some stretching. The girl can help me. It will be fun.
• When inviting someone over for dinner on a work day, just have dinner with them. 2 hours is barely enough time for cooking and eating, if you start immediately and already bought groceries. A movie is out of the question.
• If I want to take my time for dinner, movie and sex, I need at least 6 hours, which means the companion will have to arrive preferably at 14:00, 15:00 at most.
• Don't have them stay over if I'm working early the next day. I will just feel caught between my drive to get work done and my inclination to be a good host.

[flowboy]

Coffee

I'm in my 3d week of quitting coffee, but today I'm making an exception.

Reason being that I'm useless to my employer and I feel guilty over it.

Programming is not doable when your short-term memory is not working. I need to keep a huge stack of contextual information in mind. When I can, I'm awesome at it. When not, on a day like today, I am just staring at the screen, not understanding what I'm reading or what the next step is. I keep coming up with a plan, taking one step and then forgetting the plan.

Also physically I am more clumsy and frustrated. I walk into things and forget to bring stuff, so Im walking back to the kitchen 5 times.

And in contact with other people, it feels like I'm just not fully there. I avoid talking to people, to hide the fact that I'm so absent. The me behind the face is not home, and in his place is someone housesitting who tries to play my role, but doesnt have the keys to the right desk drawers of information, and cant work the equipment right.

I'm pretending to be me. 

Whats going on with my nervous system?! 

I doubt coffee will fix this, but I'll take any boost I can get.

So overall, feeling frustrated, guilty and mentally absent.

 

I also feel like it's not fair - I've been so good!! I don't drink alcohol, I don't overuse caffeine, I eat healthy and clean, I get up at 5, I go running every day and lift 4 times a week...

What else do I need to do

One thing that could be the culprit is quitting sugar. I've stopped adding honey to things and that was my only source of it. Also eat mostly vegetables and oats, not as much fruit this week.

I'll look into whether this could be sugar detox symptoms. 

Also I've been here before, that time that I wrote "I deserve a working brain". Well I dont feel entitled to anything anymore and I am very grateful that Im safe, physically fit and in a rich country, that was the same feeling as now. 

I must look for a pattern - to be continued.

[meadow]

Flowboy - are you tracking your macros and overall calorie intake? You lift quite hard and it's possible you have brain-fog from having ended up in a cut this week. Might be related to not having eaten enough carbs and/or getting enough overall energy intake. 

If it's related to energy intake you can test this by eating a banana and checking in 30 minutes later. You should feel less fog.

If it's not.. maybe you are overextending your capacity as of late. Looking at your journal you're going pretty hardcore. Caffeine will likely help but I'd wager that it eats into the buffer.. which when it's gone might release the burn-out devil, ime. 

Also, from an ex-dev to a current dev, these brain-fog days just happen. Programming, if you're doing it right, is pretty damn taxing to the brain. Better just release and relax. Do you have a senior you can express this to safely?

Stay healthy buddy.

[tsuki]

7 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Whats going on with my nervous system?! 

I quit coffee few months ago because it was screwing up my meditation practice.
For the first week I experienced heavy headaches and abysmal sleepiness to the point where I had to take it very slowly.
I miss the taste and associated lifestyle but overall, I feel clearer. Like I'm not overstressing my brain.

If you feel useless to your employer, I'd suggest reframing the issue.
Are you really the employee that your employer is hiring, if you have to stimulate yourself to cover up your low days?
Aren't you perhaps selling the well-being of your body? Are you doing that for money?
Are you perhaps trying to please your boss with your performance?

[allislove]

I also want to express my opinion  

I haven't drink coffee for 6 months or more, but then in the super positive day I wanted to drink coffee. I was so grateful for my life, like, what else I can do except just to drink coffee in the best restaurant in town? Nowadays, I drink few cups per day in the morning, all is good. I probably will drop it again after some time, will see. I see disadvantages and advantages of doing it.

It seems you are trying to run from underlying problem by drinking coffee. Try to relax, breath, maybe insight will come what the problem it is.
I was doing the same with porn for example, or with computer addiction in the past.

Have you tried micro-dosing? In such days like yours, use a micro-dose of shrooms or lsd, thank me later.  

Or just meditate, go walk in nature, make good for you, and there is nothing bad with drinking one cup of coffee.

Good luck.  

[flowboy]

06/12

What went well:

• Did a 4km run at 5am
• Finished the drawing I made of the savings plan and money streams I plan to implement
• Did a lot to get my finances in order! End of project is near. I'll be so glad when everything is automated.
• Did all my lifts, which made me feel calm, controlled and awesome

What went poorly:

• Stopped lifting at 4pm instead of 3:45, which made me late for my afternoon work session

How will I prevent that from now on:

• Stop working out on time, at least 15 minutes before I have to be home, 20 if I have to shower. Yes, even when I'm "almost done"

Edited December 6, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On 4-12-2019 at 1:28 PM, meadow said:

Flowboy - are you tracking your macros and overall calorie intake? You lift quite hard and it's possible you have brain-fog from having ended up in a cut this week. Might be related to not having eaten enough carbs and/or getting enough overall energy intake. 

If it's related to energy intake you can test this by eating a banana and checking in 30 minutes later. You should feel less fog.

If it's not.. maybe you are overextending your capacity as of late. Looking at your journal you're going pretty hardcore. Caffeine will likely help but I'd wager that it eats into the buffer.. which when it's gone might release the burn-out devil, ime. 

Also, from an ex-dev to a current dev, these brain-fog days just happen. Programming, if you're doing it right, is pretty damn taxing to the brain. Better just release and relax. Do you have a senior you can express this to safely?

Stay healthy buddy.

@meadow Thank you for this feedback and helpful advice - I appreciate it.

I've just read up on what "tracking macros" is, and decided it would be good to try it. I suspect I need to eat lots more protein for my fitness goals, for example. And it's a small step from the already pretty tight rules I have for myself about eating clean.

Earlier this year I kept a food log for a while, and it had a very positive effect on my eating habits.

However, currently I'm juggling too many lifestyle changes that haven't quite settled yet. Therefore, I put 'tracking macros' on the list of lifestyle changes to implement next (after Affirmations and before Intermittent Fasting).

I am following your other advice immediately however: every day at work, I will bring a snack made of banana and tahini, and maybe some other fruit. Totally delicious and if it fixes brain fog, that will confirm our hypothesis. Awesome!

[flowboy]

12/12

What went well:

• Driving went well, although I missed some important stuff, there is clear progress
• Redid my effort estimates on the projects for next year, plotted projects again over the months, finally have a 2020 plan that I believe in
• Slow but steady progress on the finances-in-order project. Canceled some unnecessary expenses (double Audible subscription, scammy dental insurance, Netflix, stock trading account that suddenly became expensive). Got some refunds
• Really excited about new book I picked on Audible: "The Science of Getting Rich" by Wallace D. Wattles. It even made me spontaneously cry and thank God in the first chapter. Its message is quite spiritual, which I did not expect.
• Thanks to my noise cancelling headphones, I can now listen to audiobooks while doing the dishes as loudly as I need. What a joy.
• Was really tired but did good workout nevertheless.

What went poorly:

• Got up at 5:40, apparently my INSANELY loud mechanical alarm had been ringing for 40 minutes. Sleeping through that is a sign that I am seriously lacking in sleep quality and/or quantity. I do remember not being able to fall asleep yesterday.

How will I prevent that from now on:

• Starting December 27th, I am installing curtains and covering every LED in the house with black tape. Sleep quality must improve.

Edited December 12, 2019 by flowboy