Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[Zigzag Idiot]

Beautiful!

 

[flowboy]

On 3-6-2019 at 4:14 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

Good honest, objective self observation!

I used the 3 minute rule a lot in the first few days in quitting smoking. Primarily when a strong craving to smoke came about to not look beyond the next three minutes and to just stay with the breath for the next 60 seconds x3. Not to get overwhelmed by looking into the future and also knowing that life can be experienced again one day with zero craving for nicotine. Craving subsides. 

@Zigzag Idiot Again thank you for supporting me there, a little message meant a lot. I'm almost on day 80 now, and am ascribing a great deal of that success to the support of the community, offline as well as online.

[flowboy]

On 17-6-2019 at 9:48 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

i had some chronic sinus infection a few years ago that would move around from head to ear to throat. I eventually got rid of it.

The cannabis you smoked might have been a mixed strain with a greater percentage of sativa and not good for relaxing and calming. That would add to your tension and paranoid feeling.

I hope your able to get some decent sleep at night for the time being. That means a lot. And belly breaths,,,with letting go of repetitive thoughts,,,,

@Zigzag Idiot Yeah, that actually sounds pretty similar to my symptoms. Seems to move around both ears and makes random lymph nodes swell up. I recently had yet another episode of being pretty convinced that I was going to die soon for a few days, until I had the doctor draw my blood and reassure me. It's really kind of pathetic the sorts of compulsive thoughts I have in such moments, basically imagining saying goodbye to family at my deathbed, many times a day, and with every action I plan, wondering if it will be my last. So melodramatic... and unnecessary for a person in good health! Feels quite ungrateful, but I try to not judge it too much. I'm fine now. Thank you for sharing your related experience.

On the cannabis: I have yet to find a strain that relaxes and calms me! Literally every time I use cannabis, there is an unstable/anxious/worried component to the experience, and I feel restricted in my breathing. I do manage to enjoy it despite that, sometimes.

[Zigzag Idiot]

I'm glad that some of what I wrote may have been a help. 

I respect your Journaling bits about everything. The good and bad and things in between. Besides helping your own integration, it helps others deal with their shadow elements. Thank you for sharing.

 

[flowboy]

On 26-6-2019 at 5:35 PM, LoveandPurpose said:

Appreciating your honesty! Although what you did wasn't acted out with the best intention, I think your reaction and your thoughts on it really show your character. Everyone gets overtaken by his animalistic nature sometimes, so even though learning from this experience is important, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. We make mistakes to know what we won't do in the future anymore.

@LoveandPurpose I appreciate your forgiving comment here! Sometimes seeing an ugly part of our behaviour up close can be quite jarring. I do think that by talking it through with her, this particular trigger has lost a lot of its power. But who knows.

Thank you for reading!

[flowboy]

Saying Goodbye To My Old Self

Today I had set out to do a seemingly simple, overdue cleanup: deleting/archiving my old WhatsApp conversations. (WhatsApp is what everyone uses for texting in the Netherlands)

It seemed simple enough. Yesterday I processed 635 overdue emails without a problem. But this... I encountered so many conversations that reminded me of situations and memories. I couldn't resist reading them, and I even started a bunch of "Hey how are you, we haven't spoken in 2 years but I came across you while cleaning up ha ha so how've you been" conversations.

And 'a bunch' is between 5 and 10.

Additionally, I found myself creating a whole bunch of new contacts for numbers I didn't have in my phone anymore, but used to have whatsapp conversations with. I just could not let go.

Are these people important to me? Not really. Am I important to them? Doubtful.

But I can't just not add their number anymore... What if I'm in town someday and want to hang out...

It's easy throwing papers and emails away, but these contacts and conversations represent people! How the hell am I supposed to cold-heartedly throw people away?!

This is where it dawned on me what the thread I was pulling was actually attached to. Facing the death of my past self.

After going through a bunch of them, my 'head' is filled with memories, feelings, hopes and dreams from the past. Even old negative self talk and insecurity is coming back to say hello. I really am feeling quite melancholic and down at this point. Also a bit ungrounded, not being that sure of who I am. Even feel like smoking, because I used to feel like this a lot and use smoking to cover up that ungrounded feeling. Weirdly, that used to be a part of my identity.

All this is going on while the whole city is literally vibrating from noise - the dng-tss-dng-tss-dng-tss of a loud techno festival that is going on every year.

This is the first year since I knew about that festival that I'm not going. And it's weird. It used to be part of my identity that I went to festivals like that. I needed that to feel like I was living a good life, to tell myself and others that my life was fun and interesting and not boring at all (faithfully proving my 13 year old cyber bully wrong)

It used to be that I got anxious if I had no one to go with. I even made a point of going by myself, to prove to myself that I could meet new people and make friends, and didn't need anyone and there was nothing wrong with me.

 

This year, I planned to go but especially in the last months it has become clear that it just doesn't make sense for me anymore. Why put my body through half a week of no sleep, drugs, loud music at all hours and stressors of all kinds, after which I would need at least a week to recuperate, being totally out of my routine, JUST when I was getting my shit together and actually executing on what I believe to be a part of my life purpose?

It just doesn't make sense for me to do that.

And with that, obviously the part of me that needs to be a cool festivalperson is freaking the f*ck out. Am I suddenly a boring person? Am I pathetic? Am I seriously uncool, or lonely, or just have no one to go with? Have I given up on life?

 

None of the above. I'm just moving to a new value system.

My old value system said that having as many cool, interesting experiences as possible was important. Being at cool raves was important. Being a person in a certain scene was important. And somehow it would lead to more sex (it literally never did for me)

My new value system says that focus is important. Keeping my life simple. Essentialism. Hard work. Discipline. Routine. Efficiency. Sacrificing for a greater goal. All that stuff. Where does trying to be cool doing drugs at a festival and not sleeping for 3 days fit in?

 

Hearing the music of the rave I decided not to be at, combined with re-reading conversations with people I will never contact again, did get to me. I almost-cried a couple times on the bus. And I miss that worry-free version of myself, even though he was clueless in so many ways. His sheer desperation did make him have more adventures than I'm currently having.

The way I see it, it's okay to grieve a bit for worry-free times. But those times were the fake kind of worry-free, because I was simply postponing the difficult problem of starting a business until 'later'.

Later is here. I'm now in the phase where I can fight for an actually worry-free future. For real this time.

 

[flowboy]

Ordered Groceries Online

A small step for Flowboy, yet a big step for time efficiency. It cost 8,50 to have them delivered. However, the way I see it:

- I normally buy groceries for lunch in the morning before work, which can take 15-30 minutes

- I then would buy groceries again after work, for dinner, which can take 30-45 minutes easily

This is a dumb and inefficient process that costs me an hour a day.

Planning my meals for four days ahead saved me 4 hours, if I did it correctly. Multiplying that by the hourly rate I currently earn, I already saved more in time than the cost of the groceries including delivery.

 

[flowboy]

Even though I felt tired and achy all day, I still managed to spend 3.5 hours on my project after work!

[flowboy]

Current Morning Routine

1. Grumpily walk to phone to shut alarm off
2. Crawl back to bed clutching the phone like it's My Preciousss
3. Scroll through instagram for 15 minutes. Resist urge to fap
4. Get up again and brush my teeth. Use floss. Wearing wireless headphones, listening to some inspiring shit. Cause I need that motivation to floss.
5. Drag self to gym
6. Drag body through workout. Try not to stare at hawt girls
7. Shower hopefully

It's a work in progress

Edited August 14, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Sexual Frustration

Since I decided that I can not pursue financial independence at the same time as I'm pursuing going out a lot and becoming a massive player, I feel the same sexual frustration every time I see a hot girl. The same frustration I have felt ever since my balls dropped, added with the guilt and negative self talk of "I can teach myself to break through this fear. I should just go meet a hot girl if I want to so bad. Just do it bro, why pussy out" that started when I found out about RSD and stuff. And now... I don't even know what I should do in such situations. Talk to her? Would be a huge adrenaline rush and therefore distraction, and will definitely make me late for things. I'm usually on my way something, and almost never feel like I have a half hour to spare to talk to strangers. Then again, that might be an excuse I hide behind.

And what's the goal? Set a date? When? I basically am using all my free evenings to work on my project. Well that's a lie. But ideally, I am.

And that's not all. I don't just want to date a hot girl (I am dating a hot girl), I want to date lots of them, and go out a lot, and have lots of friends and throw crazy parties with them, and have sex orgies with all these hot girls that I would meet... basically go full bilzerian.

That's right. That's what I want. Part of it, at least. And part of me. I just don't know how to reconcile that part with my goals right now.

 

And I kind of pity myself because ever since my dramatic social failures in school, I have dreamt of being popular and well liked by girls and all the sex that comes with that. And now I feel like I am developed enough that if I were to direct all my energy into being a full on manwhore party animal, that I could actually achieve that dream and have that experience.

And now I'm not allowing myself that, because I want to work on all this grown-up stuff...

Or am I using the grown up stuff as an excuse? I don't even know anymore man...

Flowboy is confused.

Edited August 14, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Hot Date And Thoughts

So I met up with this scientist girl, who I matched with on the apps. I actually felt way too tired/work-obsessed to be social, but luckily she also was in a work mindset still, so we could relate and relax together. Played some pool, did some dancing, kissed a little. I got really excited. She feels very soft and feminine, she has that quality of energy that I like and turns me on. It creates this nice polarity with mine. I found myself fantasizing about her being my girlfriend while I was brushing my teeth.

And after getting home, I still worked on my project a tiny bit. I'm really proud of that. The Flowboy that is looking to get distracted with women for as long as possible, is dead. I have a mission.

 

This morning at the gym, again I saw this girl who looks so perfect that it just freaks out my whole system. And same thing happens: I know I don't have the balls to talk to her at this time, so I just try not to stare and focus on myself. And I'm there just for myself anyway, to focus on my own workout, blah blah.

Then I see this smooth dude strike up a conversation with her. She laughs and plays with her hair.

There is jealousy. It stings. It hurts in just the right way. I up the weight and do another set.

Then it hits me how weird it is: when I'm on a date with a girl, I don't freak out, I feel pretty secure, I can just be myself, and if there is some connection it usually goes well.

This is not about the girl at all. Or about the sexual aspect. There's nothing particularly wrong with how I relate to girls.

I'm just not in the habit of talking to strangers.

And when I see a random dude, I don't care about that. But when I see a hot girl, it stings, because I see all the possibilities.

But it's not the talking to the hot girl. It's just the striking up conversations for no reason. That's the part that's missing. The sexual aspect is fine, I can take that out of the equation.

So my hypothesis is: if I could just learn to connect to people for no particular reason, as a habit, then it will all work itself out, and I don't have to suffer every time I see an attractive person anymore.

Probably the non-goal oriented part is what I should work on. I have no problem going up to strangers for a reason. But with strangers there is usually no reason. And then I try to talk to girls I see on the street, and it's weird, because it's for no reason except that I'd like to connect, and that's not normal for me so it feels weird and probably comes off inauthentic, plus it's kind of a lie because I'm only doing it because I'm horny and I'm forcing myself. Not very fertile ground for spontaneous connection.

I know what I have to do.

I will discuss this with the Men's group tonight.

[flowboy]

Bringing Meditation Back

It's been roughly a a month of brushing my teeth like an adult, two months of making daily schedules, 3 months of not smoking, and 4 months of making weekly schedules.

Now that I have these basic survival habits implemented, I feel like it's the right time to bring the daily meditation habit back.

I will do 20 minutes a day.

 

And additionally I will twice a week find a lull in my busy schedule to try and talk to a stranger, simply for the connection itself.

Which I kind of just did

Amazing when you set your mind to something and it just starts happening.

[flowboy]

 

[flowboy]

Sleeping over at someone else's house means not having time to work out in the morning.

Even bringing everything you need. It still disrupts your routine. It's time I were less reckless with my schedule.

I like working out 6 days a week.

[flowboy]

Watched the "Inside Bill's Brain" miniseries about Bill Gates.

What a great guy. He just picks a problem and works obsessively to solve it. Reads whatever he has to. Ask whomever he has to. Works around the clock.

And I recognize parts of my young self, when I was learning programming. I would just obsessively work on the problem, and maybe sleep a bit here and there. My parents had to bring me food if they wanted me to eat.

The question arises what is the difference between me and him?

• His brain crunches more data than mine (he reads 10 books on some days and retains almost everything)
  I'm going to disregard that though, because A. I'm looking for things I can take inspiration from and take action on, B. I am smart enough, you don't have to be a genius to be successful, and C. When I am done simplifying my life I will read more, and that will make me smarter.
• He picks real-world problems, and I somehow never really did that. He solved scheduling problems for schools, at an age where I was programming little games for the heck of it.
  I did scheme and think obsessively about real-world applications, from energy generating gyms to a radically different model for 3D positioning in games. But somehow I didn't think it was real. It felt like a fantasy, and I could only actually do something maybe after I went to university.
  Did my parents give me that idea? Where did that come from?
  
  Bill was presented with real-world problems at a very young age. Schools saw he was smart and asked him to make a system. Then the rumors spread, and the Navy (or something) needed him to program something.
  What would have happened if real businesses had asked me to make things when I was young and obsessed?
  
  There is something missing. I was obsessed, and was scheming, and reading, and having great ideas. But somehow I did not think that I could make them happen. Crossing the divide to making something a reality did not seem like a real option.
   
• He had great parents. His parents were both very successful, and especially his mother pushed him to expand his horizons, and created the idea that he was to be a successful figure and a community figure/leader.
  My parents were sweet but anti-successful (poor and taught me that rich people are evil)
• He obsesses about his mission (building Microsoft, eradicating Polio, safe nuclear energy) whereas I obsess over my sex life, my diet, my self-actualization journal, my meditation habits, my social life, my life purpose, my this and my that. My my my.

This whole self-actualization journal business is one large clusterfuck of navelgazing!!!

Why are we even so obsessed about our little lives and our little musings and our little anxieties?! Nobody is that special. It doesn't matter.

What am I doing for the world??!

I feel like thanks to Primal and all the other stuff I did, my cup is full, and the damaging limiting beliefs from my parents have been lifted.

Now I can focus outward.

Edited September 24, 2019 by flowboy

[Gladius]

This is a really good journal, you have a good knowledge of yourself and also a really good writer. Keep it up.

[flowboy]

@Gladius Thank you

[flowboy]

Ego Backlash

I feel the discrepancy guilt piling up, so it's probably wise to mention that I am having an ego backlash.

During a festival I went to, I smoked again. This caused me to drop all my habits I was tracking. I am now successfully not smoking again.

But I'm not making schedules again yet, and I'm flunking out of commitments I made to people left and right. Also I ordered fast food twice this week already.

Interestingly, I know that it is going to be fine. It doesn't affect my self-worth like it used to. It doesn't make me feel as neurotic and self-flagellating.

I also like fast food less. I can't really get hooked to smoking again. Even though I still like it, it doesn't seem worth it.

?

[flowboy]

Tiny Ritual

I have a dreaded box of miscellaneous papers and things. Decided to attack it finally. Old bank statements, old student loan statements, letters I should have opened when I got them 2 years ago, but didn't because I was depressed and overwhelmed.

Notes from university, the studies I never finished, but am still attached to. Blocks full of pages both sides scribbled with math, analysis, genetics, and some programming stuff for work. My old contract for work, first job that paid me more than minimum wage, I was so proud.

My old agenda/calendar from that time. Browsed through it, found my ex girlfriend's attempt to take control of my scheduling, since I was failing. She had scribbled dates and times that she was available everywhere. I also found a page full of rules for me that we agreed on after one of our last fights. It was brutal.

I'm throwing it all out. I'm saying goodbye to that guy I was then. Struggling. Trying to do the right thing. So much pain.

I feel emotions coming up, so I decide to have a tiny ritual. I put on an emotional song and instantly cry. I find a stick of Palo Santo wood and set fire to it. My eyes closed and enjoying my tears, I dance around the room, spreading smoke wherever I feel it needs to go.

And then it's gone. Poof.

I feel less dead inside, more compassionate. I'm singing and my voice is free.

Edited September 29, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Sleeping Schedule

I've tried implementing the habit of getting up early before. I let go of it every time, because of social life: I would be hanging out with people, and it just didn't seem right to either kick them out, or force them to go to bed.

So each weekend I would break the habit. It became a mess.

Starting tonight, I will be in bed in silent darkness before 9 pm, and I will be up before 5 am.

Reasons

It is overwhelmingly recommended by entrepreneurs to work on your business before you do anything else, so you are at your freshest when doing the thing that matters most.

I would love to be at my job and know that I've already spent two hours towards my goal. Much better than doing it super tired from work and gym.

I have a long history of almost getting fired from places because I failed to wake up. It would be a real victory to finally be able to wake up like an adult, and break the limiting belief that I can't.

I have found that almost every shitty day begins with getting up too late.

Why I think I can succeed this time

• Sacrifice: I've given up nightlife for now. My social life will be constrained to the daytime. I've decided that being productive and working on my goals each day should come before everything else, so it is fine if my social life will suffer.
• Clear priorities: I have decided ahead of time that I will go to bed before 9 no matter where I am. If I'm staying with a friend, he'll have to be okay with that or I won't stay there. Same for when someone stays at my place: if they complain that they need me to stay up late with them, they can simply pack up.
  Of course I will try to be tactful and patient when explaining my motives, to increase the chance that people will be supportive.
• I have thought of the exceptions ahead of time.

Exceptions

1. On Toastmasters nights I am required to stay until 9:30-ish. I am going to try to be in bed at 10pm then, and if that doesn't work, make it ten thirty as a rule, or the best possible time.
2. On vacations, I will skip this habit and pick it back up when I am back home. I will not consider this failure in any way.

If I fail immediately for 3 consecutive days, I will pick less extreme times to start with, like 7am and 11pm. But for now, I'd like to try and jump in the cold water.

Weekly Schedules + Scheduling Day Before

I made another weekly schedule for this week and am restarting the habit. It goes together nicely with making daily schedules each night, so I'm adding that back in too.

I missed 4 (!) weeks of this, but they're still in my system, and I find myself really missing it. I still instinctively write a to-do list for tomorrow sometimes. Also I've been taking action a lot, just not focused on a single project. I do feel overwhelmed, because I'm keeping obligations, deadlines, tasks and appointments with people in my head again. Interestingly, I'm able to handle that way better than before, my brain is reminding me a lot more, and my impulse to escape is much diminished. But it doesn't feel relaxed, because I'm working on everything at once.

So I don't expect any problems there.

We'll see how I do!!

Edited October 1, 2019 by flowboy