Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

I Do Not Deserve To Die

For most of the past week I've been worrying about my health. I have the feeling of what I can best describe as a hole in my throat, which hurts when I breathe. Now, I'm scared to death that I gave myself throat cancer or something like that. It's connected to the guilt about not quitting smoking earlier.

I have a health related freakout once or twice a year, and every time it just seems very real that I might die soon. I'm ashamed of it. I should be thanking God that I'm still breathing.

Which I am doing. I do pray. But I also worry about scary diseases, which makes me paranoid that I'm attracting the evil by worrying about it. LOA in reverse.

I hate weird symptoms and I really, really want to feel normal again.

I tried vaping weed every night for the past week, both to calm me down and because I had read that it has anti-cancer properties. I even ate it. But now I just feel severely fucked in the head and my ability to concentrate or motivate myself are just shot.

Why do I keep worrying about my health? Something dark in me says that I don't deserve to be healthy, because I used to smoke, and that's a disrespectful and ungrateful thing to do to your body.

But guess what. That part is wrong. I have been trying to quit since I was 17. I grew up neurotic, with cumulative unprocessed trauma from my mum and dad looming over me. My addiction is understandable given the circumstances, and I am brave for fighting it. I've been smoke free for 24 days, and have put a lot of effort into eating healthy. I deserve to be "forgiven" and live a long and healthy rest of my life.

Now make the hole in my throat and the pressure behind my ear stop, please, damn it.

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

@flowboy Many times In the past an odd pain or symptom would cause me to get paranoid about my health. I really understand you there.

i had some chronic sinus infection a few years ago that would move around from head to ear to throat. I eventually got rid of it.

The cannabis you smoked might have been a mixed strain with a greater percentage of sativa and not good for relaxing and calming. That would add to your tension and paranoid feeling.

I hope your able to get some decent sleep at night for the time being. That means a lot. And belly breaths,,,with letting go of repetitive thoughts,,,,

[tsuki]

@flowboy I'm with you man, you will get through this.
Please don't be too hard on yourself in these difficult times.

Would you mind if I asked for a prayer for you here?

 

[flowboy]

@tsuki That's so awesome! I'm touched

[hamedsf]

Nice job Boy! I'M A BIG-BELIEVER IN SELF-RESTRAINT 

A few days ago, i tried to shake the habit of drinking stimulants like Black Tea, Green Tea, Coffee, i had a bad headache yesterday due to the lack of stimulant in my brain!

one thing you should keep in mind that the EGO will always produce pain and suffering to get you back to the prior condition, don't give up on that!

[flowboy]

Habit Status

I've done 2 months of making weekly schedules now, and just finished 30 days of not smoking.

Today I'm adding another one: I will make a daily schedule on the evening before, for 30 days straight.

Habit                      Since

Making Weekly Schedules    19-4-2019
Not Smoking                24-5-2019
Scheduling The Next Day    24-6-2019

 

[flowboy]

Yucky Painbody Encounter

Had a painbody attack that really quite disgusted me, I'm still a bit shaken up.

Went on a date with a girl who I was sure was into me. Went for the kiss at a certain point. (in hindsight maybe too soon and without any leadup/handholding). She declined, saying something that threw me off, roughly translated "No sorry that's not automatically part of it with me"

Spent the next hour confused and tense, trying really hard to be in the moment and have a conversation, but I didn't dare come near her again.

I just had too many mindfucks: She came out here in nature, alone with me, if I come near her again I seem too pushy then she'll get scared of me.

Again, pretty certain she liked me.

I just could not deal with the rejection in that moment. It was such a surprise since I had considered it a sure thing.

I went there with too many expectations.

Also: in that moment I was not convinced that kissing me was in her best interest. I just felt way too much like I was 'convincing her', and selling myself, instead of qualifying her and actually feeling out the vibe.

What may have contributed was that I'm 2 shy of having slept with 40 women, and I really wanted to hit that number.

But that's not in her best interest. I was focused on the wrong thing.

And I could feel this weird curtain of neediness, separating me from her all through our conversations.

I guess these are the moments where others feel this 'fake' vibe from me.

 

Here comes the ugly part. A girl I'm seeing suggested that night to hang out and smoke weed and massage each other.

I massaged her and then she got tired and wanted to sleep. My sexual advances went nowhere and she avoided my penis. And then the monster came out. I got angry and needy, accused her of being selfish and using me. I demanded that she not fall asleep and give me a blow job in return, or at least massage me because it was her turn. It's hard for me to write this because I'm so ashamed. I don't want to be a person who pressures someone into sex.

I don't want the desire to be satisfied to overpower the desire to be considerate, and open to the other's needs and state of mind.

"I did something for you, now you have to do something for me, otherwise I get pissed" Yuck, way to ruin it, I don't want to be that guy. Ever.

I got it in my head that since I had gotten rejected by a girl that day, she could sense that off me, therefore the good times were over for me and all women in the world would reject me.

To be honest, with that vibe, they probably would have.

Luckily, we were able to talk about it really well and fell asleep cuddling.

In the morning we did have sex, but I was more into it than she was (she's becoming a bit ill since yesterday) and it struck me how much I was willing to ignore her state, just to get my satisfaction. It's like I'm not authentic and not really present with her, because I want to cum inside her, and before that happens I ignore any answer that means "no sex".

I lost touch with line between taking initiative and being proactive and manly, and being needy, pushy, controlling and demanding. I don't feel entitled to take any initiative until I figure this out. I felt like I was having sex with someone who was merely accepting it, not really wanting it. And it feels really dirty.

Now we talked about that and she said she never feels forced and she enjoys it. And this morning she texted me happy things. So all is good.

But I still feel dirty.

My desire to cum inside her was stronger than my desire to take care of her because she wasn't feeling so well. Ugh.

Edited June 26, 2019 by flowboy

[LoveandPurpose]

@flowboy Appreciating your honesty! Although what you did wasn't acted out with the best intention, I think your reaction and your thoughts on it really show your character. Everyone gets overtaken by his animalistic nature sometimes, so even though learning from this experience is important, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. We make mistakes to know what we won't do in the future anymore.

[flowboy]

Key Takeaways from Shroom Trip

1. There is nothing I *have* to do. (I kept thinking: maybe I have to do this, or that... Maybe I have to be brave and throw up, and I will resolve the tension for both of us. Or maybe I have to do this...or that...)
   Nope, nothing is mandatory. Nothing.
2. Obsessing over whether I'm ill or not is missing the point. Everything is super beautiful anyway. I had a slight fever and kept worrying about it, thinking maybe I should go to bed, maybe not. But this lesson can be used for my hypochondriac tendencies too.
   Everything is beautiful. Who cares about all the tiny things that could be wrong with your body. Look around!
3. My guilt and worries about not wanting an exclusive relationship are my projections only.
   I suddenly felt very clearly that the girl I'm with wants what I want, she wants me to be happy and she trusts me. Never has she given me the indication that she needs exclusivity for me, and I've been clear about dating other people. I'm projecting something on her that isn't there.
   I suddenly felt full of love and gratitude.

[flowboy]

I'm dating a woman who 'feels' me, always seems to know what's going on with me without me having to tell her.

I was in one city, she in the other. I was worried and anxious. She knew.

When we tripped together, there were many moments where we thought the same thing independently, at JUST the same time. It doesn't even surprise me anymore.

I really fucking appreciate that.

Planning Update

I've been making daily schedules for every day now, without missing one. So I'm sticking to my commitment.

Some room for improvement, though:

• I still often forget to do it at night, so I have to plan in the morning, which is too late
• I forget to look at my calendar, or my weekly schedule, or both, when making it
• I don't really take it very seriously yet. I've been skipping over a lot of things. Yesterday I just went to bed instead of the to-do list that I made.

But, I'm getting there. In a few weeks, I see myself being totally relaxed, knowing what I have to do and when, never overloading myself and having good and productive starts of the day.

[flowboy]

I'm finally there.

I feel in control of what I have to do.

I wake up and know what my tasks for that day are.

I know that they are not too much.

I know that they make sense; I can reasonably assume that I'm doing the things that help me along, in a good order of priority.

Because I trust my current process.

This is awesome

I took a course on project management. After that, I divided up my remaining 50-ish to-do items into 7 project with a common theme.

Now these projects have to be of a certain category. And of each category, I'm only allowed to work on 1 project at a time.

I decided on 4 categories:

• Social
• Personal
• Work
• Life Purpose

These categories are now 'lanes' on my Kanban board, where projects move from 'Not Started' through 'Active' to 'Completed', and only 1 can be Active per lane.

This leaves me with 4 much shorter lists, each representing development in a distinct area of my life.

Yes, I included my job too, and what I'm working on there. I'm doing this comprehensively and I'm getting rid of fragmentation in processes.

For example, I used to have a separate to-do list and weekly schedule at work. Got rid of that.

Now for my weekly schedules, I pick a total of 10 items from the tops of the 4 active projects, and divide them over the days in the week.

And boom. A non-overwhelming workload that I can trust.

[flowboy]

Better Teeth Cleaning

For my next month-long habit introduction, I shall improve my teeth cleaning process.

Currently, I brush once a day; before bed.

I am going to start brushing before breakfast, as well. So twice a day. And both times I will use floss OR toothpicks before brushing.

Why or? I would like to say and, but perfectionism and taking on too much lead to quitting. So I will say or.

There's more I could do, but this is enough of a challenge.

Oral hygiene is more annoying to me than dishwashing. I just really loathe those 5 minutes a day. And flossing/picking is just really gross and yucky.

So I'm not looking forward to this habit introduction. I'd much rather do something easier, like quit coffee or quit peak orgasm again.

But I swore to one thing at a time. And I suppose the dentists' guilt trips finally got to me.

[flowboy]

It's interesting how this journal and the developments described have evolved. I started out thinking this would be the story of me finally implementing all the 25-ish Good Habits (TM) I wanted, and doing so as quickly as possible.

Instead it's becoming a story about me learning to prioritize what is truly important, and to sacrifice the rest.

I'm on my fourth habit now since I started doing month long implementation periods. And it's challenging enough at this pace. There are still some nights where I forget to make the next day schedule. Or fall asleep without brushing my teeth.

And it's nice that those are the only things I have to be consistent in, for now.

[flowboy]

I'm still doing way too much. I'm trying to study for my driver's license at the same time as I'm working on my software project next to having my day job, and I'm starting an improv course soon. And volunteering. Also I have a gym membership but also hope to start a regular yoga practice. And meditation. What.

I've already shed the delusion that I can become awesome at game while doing all this. But still. There can be only one main thing. And the rest is just there to recharge. At least that's how it should be.

I need to cut out everything but the business plan and the bare necessities.

Clearly, my original idea of having a balanced life with just enough of every flavour, was bullshit. It wouldn't even make me happy. Just unfulfilled, because a little bit of everything is just a whole lot of nothing.

Sacrifice for your goal, or your goal will become your sacrifice

Driver's license will hopefully be done with this year. Improv is only ten weeks.

I need to stop falling into the mainstream hypnosis that a fulfulling life is full of vacations and hobbies and side activities and parties and festivals and hanging out and watching movies, and a little of this, and a little of that. Jesus.

Even dating. It's a fucking distraction. Replying to messages on Tinder? Talking to people and going out? Going on dates? So much time, so little long term gain. Why don't I just go back to fucking one woman at a time, and get my head in the game. The game of making money.

Edited July 29, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

More Burnout Symptoms

I just ran into my neighbour/friend on the way to get food. He asked whether I could water the plants for him a couple times in the next month. I had so many things on my mind that I was already saying no. Took me a long time to even realize that I am not going on vacation next month and I can totally do it for him.

But it was like my mind was blank.

He asked how I was. I didn't know what to say. My mind was blank.

He's been doing well. I knew mentally that that should make me happy, and I fabricated a response that had the meaning in words that I was happy for him. But I was totally dead inside.

I'm sitting here typing it up. It takes me a while to remember his name. And I don't know how I am or how I've been doing.

I have like 5 girls I'm chatting with on whatsapp and Tinder. I send them 1 message every 2 days. An uninspired one. I don't care.

A date got cancelled. I don't care. I gotta get my projects done.

Whole body is tense, too. Shallow breathing, the works.

I guess I get overly stressed pretty easily. It's not like I'm having a crazy workload. Just a couple things I'm trying to get done besides work.

 

Reducing My Bandwidth

Well, better listen. I'm going to take the night off, and cancel everything this week except the most important thing.

From now on, I'm only working on one project at a time per time division. So one project in the 32 hours of work, and one project outside of that.

I reduced my kanban lanes from 4 to 2. Hope that helps.

 

And also, clearly I broke my rule of not having more than 3 things a day total.

- I had 4 things yesterday

- I was making myself make up for the 2 things I missed Monday

  (For the last time, Flowboy, there is no catching up!!! Every day is a new day!)

 

Things that are eating so much CPU in my brain that they apparently prevent me from remembering names or feeling human connection:

• Driving license theory, I must study it
• Tantra retreat in October, I must make travel arrangements for it
• Project management in general, I am still learning and tweaking it constantly
• Huge project at work, I must do it all myself since the whole team is on vacation
• App I'm building, I must work on it
• Tinder girls, I must reply to them
• Volunteer work, I must cycle all over town to print shit for it

Okay, it's quite some stuff.

 

I thought organising it meant less burnout symptoms. Guess I will have to get better at doing less at a time.

 

 

Edited July 31, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Timelogging Update

I know that I at some point said I would try timelogging for another month and post the results. That failed, I just couldn't bring myself to do it after a few days (start and stop the timer after every activity)

But there was a huge benefit to writing down what I was going to do and tracking the time. It kept me from getting distracted.

I am now getting that benefit by logging my activities on a project document. So there is no longer one big log, but multiple smaller ones.

I find it motivating to see my time investment in a particular project grow. Having to type it in manually is kind of nice, it keeps me serious. Although if Toggl would have an option to export to OneNote, youknow, that would be great.

Teeth Cleaning Update

Cleaning my teeth well to me symbolizes the rise in self-esteem that I have enjoyed since I did Primal.

And I find that flossing is actually even fun. I hate it a lot less. Especially when I wear my new wireless headphones and listen to podcasts meanwhile.

[flowboy]

Awesome Focus

I just spent 8 hours nonstop studying for my driving test. And I do mean nonstop: I didn't get up to eat, I just ate apples and kept going.

Only got up 2 or 3 times to pee, that's it.

Can't really say I have ADD anymore ?

I notice that I take pride in my new ability to focus and do concentrated work for hours on end. As I should.

• Binaural beats seem to help
• Noise cancelling headphones definitely help
• Not eating dairy or grains definitely helps. It's 7:30 now and I've only had 3 apples, some coffee, some tea and the chocolates that came with them.
  And you know what, that's great. I have a habit of overeating anyway (as many people do), and if eating only fruit for the better part of the day helps me do concentrated work, then all the better.
• Being in a place where they bring me coffee helps. I don't have to get up.
  Plus, I don't have my couch/bed to escape to.
• Not replying to messages on my phone is easier than expected. Actually it's kind of a relief. I hate having that pressure to reply to shit.
• Turning off all notifications definitely helps.

Now, I don't have anything else to do today. How come? I'm only doing one project at a time. And I've already put in 8 hours of productive work there.

So I'm totally free. Feels great

[flowboy]

It's fixed.

 

That one issue of personal productivity, was a biggie. It was the one thing that I wasn't sure I would ever overcome.

I thought I was doomed to always have chaos around me, always be stressed, late, independable. Having a super hard time keeping up with what the rest of the world considers normal functioning. I was sure I was doomed to have an extra hard life, as an ADD/ADHD person. It's not something you can totally change and overcome, I believed.

Partly because of my upbringing.

But that doesn't matter now. All that matters is where I'm going.

 

I feel destined to be a leader.

I am absolutely sure that I'm going to become rich, or die trying.

And I look both ways when I cross the street.

[flowboy]

This Asshole is Growing Balls

I have to get out some thoughts for a minute.

It's like life has been throwing me more 'advanced' situations, because it knows I can handle them now. Or something.

But man... I feel chewed up.

I just needed all my energy, everything I had just to keep my cool and not lose my shit. I kept cool but man, the pressure I felt was really high. Two team members at work just basically ganged up on me being quite angry and dissatisfied with the decisions I've made while they were on vacation.

It's understandable. The decisions involved deleting a lot of the code that they had contributed. And also that code enabled some features that are gone now. And we need them back eventually.

Their stance was that I could have done a gradual refactoring, keeping their code alive. That way, we still would have the features that we had back then.

But to do that would have made it impossible to make quick progress on the improvements me and the other team member had in mind.

I have more of a 'move fast and break things' kind of mentality.

Plus, I decided that if I work on a product, I need to be enthusiastic about it. The existing plan was so boring and uninspired that nobody really knew what they were exactly supposed to build, or cared.

For the past weeks, I've been working really really hard to implement the new plan, and make it 'cool'. Why did I work so hard that I got burnout symptoms? Because I wanted to get as much done as possible before the entire team was back, and I would meet with a ton of resistance, because 'we all decide everything together'.

Which makes decisions incredibly slow to make, and very quick to overturn.

I'm trying to inspire people to be bolder. And I went head-first. The disgruntled colleagues said to me that they now desire to not show the customer our progress, because they would be ashamed of it. They called it 'regress' because we've lost features. They said they would be too ashamed of the hard, passionate work I've been putting in for the past month, to want to show it to a customer. I gotta say, I understand but that was tough not to take personally.

But I managed. And I bluffed: I said let me handle the demo then. And if the customer asks tough questions about where a feature has gone, I'll handle that too. Just trust me guys, I'll handle everything.

I feel like I suddenly became father of two middle aged children. Wrong in so many ways.

Also I feel like a huge asshole. I deviated from the norm, deleted people's contributions without their consent, and I feel like I constantly have to railroad people into approving my work. Well not just my work. Our work.

But what's the alternative? Not give my deepest gift, as David Deida would say?

Unacceptable.

It's truly like no decision ever sticks unless I'm there. I'm trying to build a constructive culture, where people can build what they think is cool, so they are motivated.

And I have to super-watch myself too, because I tend to want everything done my way and be way too controlling. Gotta let people contribute.

 

But hey, I do that, and then other people get upset, and I have to let them get their way a little bit too.

And value them. I am doing a lot of conscious taking interest in people and asking about what they like and want, and try to connect on that, instead of being closed off and assuming that they are dumb and I am smart and they will never understand (the default)

You know what, if it is my destiny to be a well-meaning asshole, then that's what I'll be.

I've made up my mind to stand up for what I believe in, do and say what I think is right, and come what may.
 

Also I'm learning that in a team, my personal preferences are the last priority on the list.

I'd much rather compromise and forfeit some things I think are good ideas, so that there can be a decision made that everyone can live with, and we can move forward.

So in our next meeting, I will again be super mindful that I have to give up on getting my way, and instead steer everyone towards a decision that they all can live with, and quickly.

 

I'm also teaching myself to withstand social pressure, for the greater good. I keep running into situations where the company I have strongly disapproves of me, (happened with girls too lately) and all attempts by me to explain myself and be understood, just get me into more trouble.

I am grateful for those moments. They teach me that it's not worth compromising, ever, for people to approve of you. Not even a little bit. And if you don't, then at least you will have your self respect. And then others can respect you.

I've seen now what happens in the in-between world, where you've just made a bold and honest statement, and people react outraged, and then you try to retreat even a little bit and weasel your way back into cosy approval. It's vicious, man. People hate that, too, and with good reason. Have to go all the way.

I still feel as tense as I would feel in high school when everybody hated me. Unable to find most words or make coherent sentences. My system is still in emergency mode.

Edited August 7, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

A Week Of Success

How to describe how I'm feeling...

I'm walking around chest forward, shoulders wide, chin up. Relaxed and ready to face anything head-on.

I feel exhausted but deeply content. Healed. Confirmed. Slightly arrogant.

 

The meeting went well.

Yesterday my team expressed their lack of faith in my bold decisions. I took away some stuff that they cared about, and now it was all ruined. They were even afraid to lose the customer, and therefore did not dare to show my work. I let them cry it out.

It was quite hard not to cave, admit mistakes, and apologize. But I merely said: "I do not share your concerns. I'm not worried. At all. I'm sorry to hear that this is how you feel. But I believe that fear is rarely a good adviser. If you don't want to do the demo, I will do it. If you don't know how to explain this to the customer, I will handle it. " Upon more expressions of doubt, I said: "Wait and see then. Pay close attention."

I never had even met this fucking customer.

All I was going off of, was this hunch that I had, that my coworkers actually don't know how to present well, how to handle customer objections, how to make the customer feel heard.

I simply suspected, based on anecdotes, that they simply were handling these meetings poorly.

I was right.

I walked to the front. Calm and collected. Clicked on a few buttons. Showed what I made and explained why I made it so. Explained that I understood they had a hard job and we aimed to make it as easy as possible.

Now this customer is the kind of guy that has a permanent scowl on his face, because he has too many responsibilities and too little agency in an inflexible organisation, his body literally visually trembling with built-up stress and frustration.

This is just my reading. Maybe he has some sort of nerve disease, I don't know. But he was definitely trembling and mean-looking.

And his face lit up, and he smiled.

Remarked enthusiastically that this was a lot better than they had seen last time (which my coworkers had said was better!), and finally we were getting somewhere. He was seeing the possibilities.

 

I could not believe my luck. This, to me, is just the ultimate confirmation that making bold decisions pays off, if your heart is in the right place. If you do what you think is right, in the face of derision and adversity, later people will thank you for it.

And I knew that, but I didn't have much practice actually doing that.

I'm doing things at work lately that make me wonder at night whether I am going to lose customers and/or my job.

But I'm trusting my own judgment over others'. For the first time, with something at stake.

 

The rest of the meeting was just me making the customer feel listened to, making him feel important, and taking copious notes of what was important to him. All the while cringing at the stupid, IDIOT mistakes my two colleagues were making:

• Interrupting the customer ALL THE TIME. He was trying to give his view. We were there to hear it. And my manager guy keeps interrupting him with questions like an ADHD kid.
• Not repeating what he said, and missing opportunities to show that we understand.
• Saying that their jargon is wrong, and trying to force him to use the terminology that we're familiar with
• Making stupid remarks that imply that his job is easy/should be simple. Ignoring his explanations about his hard work.
• Forcing him into our frame, instead of building onto his.
• Talking about subjects that he clearly doesn't like and make him feel negative
• Just when the conversation is going in a positive direction, start talking about problems
• Arguing over details. Or semantics. Arguing at all!

I cringed so many times man... These people don't know anything about sales, they can't be decent to customers, they don't know how to come correct.

One of my team members (in his fifties at least) can't even sit up straight, and started leaning his head on his arm with this intensely bored expression on his face.

This was the same guy who had had so many complaints, and whom I had to tell to not fear and leave it to me.

Later, I heard that his evaluation of the meeting was that "he hadn't heard anything new".

What. The fuck.

 

Anyway. I was right. The customer seemed excited to make the acquantance of a software guy who seems to actually give a fuck about his needs.

And I need to be around more professional people than this bunch of dipshits. Or at least have the power to choose who I go to meetings with.

 

It's interesting to find that when you give up on approval from others, others come and seek it from you.

The other guy who was so disgruntled about me deleting his code, actually came to show me very proudly that he had made it in a better way.

And it's actually better now! The project is on track, and a better track than it was before.

All is well that ends well.

 

This arrogant rant has gone on for long enough now. If you actually read it, I am sorry and will surely offer you a beer.