Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Believing in Goals versus Hedging Bets

I'm becoming increasingly aware that I never truly believed that it was possible for me to start a business and have success with that.

If I would truly believe it was possible, like, if I could look into the future where I've had success already, and then look back on this moment and know for sure that I would do the work, I would get there, then that changes everything.

Suddenly, it's worth it to be lonely and without sex for a few years, if that's what it takes.

It suddenly is worth it to not have time for the hobbies I want.

I could never sacrifice before. Kept getting stuck looking to have the perfect balance of everything. Right now.

I see now that this is stemming from an assumption that it is always going to be this way. From a non-belief in the desired end result.

How will I ever make it if my bets are hedged so heavily?

I was living a delusion that I would be able to start a business without having to compromise on short-term enjoyment.

• I still needed an active social life, because not seeing friends/not partying would trigger my memories of being an outcast in high school
• I still needed to have a very active sex life, for much the same reason: I would feel like a loser otherwise
• I was simultaneously wanting to have a prestigious career of some sort. Like going for fancier jobs that pay better, take more time and energy, to avoid feeling like I failed in life because I didn't finish college or whatever
• I was simultaneously wanting to study. Have my self esteem supported by my degree of knowledge in many subjects. I really ached to go back to college, too, but couldn't really choose between that or working (talk about first world problems, haha)

I'm glad I'm untying this knot. How would I ever get anywhere, all scattered like this.

Keto is back

Being in or not in ketosis is not important to me anymore right now, that was a distraction. But, it's back. I can tell.

I've been following my salad-and-fish diet for a few days again, and here I am. Not even sure that I like it: I'm feeling speedy, irritated and like I will never be able to sleep again. We'll see.

Handling tasks 3 at a time

So I've been suffering from enormous-todolist-syndrome for at least 10 years now. This is the dysfunctional cycle:

1. Collect stuff in my head until I'm always feeling like I'm forgetting everything and totally overwhelmed
2. Be very overwhelmed and escape in binge-watching TV while the bills pile up (this phase has taken up to a year. Prolonged if there is the distraction of a girlfriend)
3. Finally empty my mind and make a big list
4. Not be able to accept not getting to something, so failure to cut things and trim the list down
   Also not be able/willing to deprioritize anything, so unable to distinguish priority
5. Quit working on the list, if I started at all, because it's just a huge unfiltered list of equally important things
6. Go back to 1

Also here, I'm detecting that I never actually believed I could get stuff done from a list. I didn't believe that I could finish a list, or operate from any other paradigm than urgency and panic. So if I don't believe it, it doesn't seem worth it to try. Blatantly obvious, in hindsight.

I'm seperating them out and assigning 3 of them to a specific day on my weekly schedule. This lets me not worry about the rest. And be more motivated to focus on these specific ones, and actually get them done.

I really like it so far.

Edited May 2, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

The three items for today are done. But at what cost... I smoked and drank wine again to calm myself down...

Ketosis is causing me a feeling of being constantly underslept, and having to breathe consciously, otherwise it's very irregular. Overall a very stressed feeling, exacerbated by the coffee I drank to get some dopamine, trying to compensate for my short sleep. Overall pretty yuck feeling.

That's not an excuse though. But I promised myself I would focus on one thing only: following my plan. I don't know how many more dances with the devil it will take, but I have faith that these bad habits will melt away.

Maybe I shouldn't blame it on keto. Maybe being so focused on prioritizing and getting things done, and fantasizing about getting rich, all that is just causing me stress? I'm really not sure...

[Zigzag Idiot]

@flowboy Impartial or unbiased self observation without self criticism is a huge win. Even with a small bit of self criticism,,,still a win!

Maybe you'll get an unexpected surprise and feel your own nothingness from the hot cooking. It seems weird writing those words. Regardless, you are still observing.??

[flowboy]

@Zigzag Idiot  Interesting thought there! I wouldn't guess sleep deprivation and cortisol are conducive to enlightenment, but what do I know really

Conflicts of Interest

Or: confused motivations. I'm seeing them everywhere now.

Earning wages with helping people can be seen as a hidden conflict of interest. It's not that obvious, because most of the time, what you're being paid to do is what the customer needs. But what if someone you're trying to help needs something that your employer won't let you do?
For example, euthanasia. A doctor is not allowed to help someone end their suffering, whether or not they agree that's the right thing.
Or, for a less dark and controversial example, a doctor may not be allowed to prescribe you something you could benefit from, because it's not officially indicated. (think modafinil) Or, your symptoms are not serious enough.
If this hypothetical doctor had "helping people" as his goal, that goal didn't pass the money test: actually, it's keeping your job first, then helping second.

In the doctor example, the source of the conflicting motive is the employer or framework in which he operates. But the source of the conflict can also be the customer himself. Suppose you're fat and lazy and need to get your fitness back on track. You could pay someone to be your personal trainer. But if that personal trainer guy ran into a situation where the only thing that would help you is tough love, giving you what you need may cause you to dislike and fire him, and pick someone who tells you what you want to hear.
So his ability to help you is sevelely limited by his number one need to have a job.

This is why hedge funds structure their deals with client in such a way that their interests are aligned: if the clients' portfolio makes money, the hedge fund makes money. If the client bleeds, the hedge fund bleeds.

It's the only way to stay honest, and make sure that no human faults cause the business to suffer from corruption.

You express trust in a relationship by aligning the financial interests.

How come hedge funds do this, but doctors don't?

Well, they have in the past. The example of the Chinese village doctor comes to mind. All inhabitants pay him a monthly wage, as long as they are healthy. When they get sick, they stop paying the doctor. This way, the doctor is financially motivated to keep everyone in good health.

The beautiful thing is: suddenly, it is no longer "dirty" for the doctor to be motivated by money! If the doctor wants to be rich, that is now a noble thing. To do that he has to take good care of a large number of people.

Compare that to a modern psychiatrist. If he wants to be rich, many people have to have problems that don't go away, for that to happen. And he has to prescribe them lots of drugs. Preferably the ones that he gets paid the most to prescribe. It's the complete opposite.

Wanting money feels dirty again.

How good would it be to live in a society where the interests were aligned on every transaction, in all businesses?

I bet the judgment around wanting to be rich would vanish completely. There is no longer the connotation of making money at the expense of people. If you have lots of cash, that can only mean that many people are happier or wealthier thanks to you.

No more "money was invented to divide people and pit them against each other"

Imagine that.

 

Edited May 3, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

So for the past 4 days, I have been ignoring my weekly schedule. My daily scores went from 3 out of 7 or 5 out of 8, to 1 of 8, 0 out of 10.

The weekly success score was 33% in week 17, and 40% last week. So, I'm doing better but still there's a huge gap between what I think I will do and what I actually do.

Observations:

• I got overenthusiastic and put too much shit in there.
  3 things a day I can handle, on a good day. Not 10.
  So gotta ease up.
• My plannings started with "1. Wake up at 7. 2) Go to gym"
  But I'm unfortunately still in the pattern of sleeping till 9 or 10. Which I want to fix, but right now is causing my day to start with failure before I even woke up. This kills my motivation, because it's already impossible to follow the plan.

How will I do better this week:

• I shall take the morning stuff and getting-to-work-at-certain-time stuff off the schedule. Even though I want it really bad, it's too much for me to have it on there right now
• I shall limit the total list of things to do to 3 a day. No matter what.

I want to become a person who does what he says. An important step towards that is to stop saying that I will do so many things. To others and to myself. This will also develop my self-trust.

So I shall make my next schedule EVEN MORE minimalist. Cut until it really hurts. Metaphorically speaking.

Edited May 7, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I have done hardly any of my habits for the past 6 days. I also failed to put checkmarks into my phone for them. And I'm still smoking today.

I plan to quit tonight, have a smoke free weekend and then go to the Primal retreat where I won't be allowed to smoke for 7 days anyway. So that's lucky, I guess.

I can feel my body collecting toxins and my lungs filling with dust. It's creepy, really. To think that I lived like this for years...yuck.

Habit Streaks Week 18

(Consecutive days > 2)

• No Peak Orgasm: 10 days! The tenth day I sort of came during sex, but I was able to hold most of it in, so I give myself points for that
• No Porn: 21 days!

That's all unfortunately.

Weekly Schedule

I am still happy about making this my main focus, and it's going alright. Sometimes I fail to look at it, but I'm still committed.

I am determined to keep the number of things per day way down.

I am using the same method at work now (a separate, parallel org-mode document that has 2-3 things per work day) and I like it.

Edited May 9, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On 16-1-2019 at 7:17 PM, flowboy said:

My goals:

• Eat fucking clean. No grains, no dairy, no sugar, no coffee, no alcohol. Drink water, sparkling water or tea.
• Meditate daily
• Concentration practice daily
• Give up TV and read instead
• Keep a life plan/vision, year plan, week plan, and daily schedules. Not knowing what I should be doing is the nr 1 cause of anxiety for me currently.
• Learn some basic yoga asanas. Do this in the morning.
• Increase self expression. I've started practicing public speaking. Maybe I want to start a blog too.
• Learn to drive
• Do prayer, and other gratefulness practices to keep me humble and in flow
• Weight training at least 3 times a week. This is almost an addiction at this point: I need it to regulate my mood.
• Stay a non-smoker
• Formulate a business plan and execute on it. Can't be a wage slave forever.
• Learn pickup. I need this for my soul. I'm tired of making excuses to not talk to a girl

 

So, my intention is to update here on my progress and to keep 'stats' of how many hours I spent on the activities above. Let's see how it goes! I feel energized!

5 Months Of Self-Actualization Journal

I thought it would be nice to evaluate my progress.

These goals I have not yet succeeded in, or am not consistent in yet:

Quote

• Eat fucking clean. No grains, no dairy, no sugar, no coffee, no alcohol. Drink water, sparkling water or tea.
• Meditate daily
• Concentration practice daily
• Give up TV and read instead
• Increase self expression. I've started practicing public speaking. Maybe I want to start a blog too.
• Learn to drive
• Do prayer, and other gratefulness practices to keep me humble and in flow
• Weight training at least 3 times a week. This is almost an addiction at this point: I need it to regulate my mood.
• Stay a non-smoker
• Formulate a business plan and execute on it. Can't be a wage slave forever.
• Learn pickup. I need this for my soul. I'm tired of making excuses to not talk to a girl

 

These goals I have met successfully already:

Quote

• Keep a life plan/vision, year plan, week plan, and daily schedules. Not knowing what I should be doing is the nr 1 cause of anxiety for me currently.
• Learn some basic yoga asanas. Do this in the morning.

 

Differences between me now and me back then:

• Anxiety of not having a plan completely gone. I make weekly schedules and keep prioritized lists, and feel pretty on top of things!
• Taught myself how to shop for healthy food, and this is my default now
• Anxiety and negative self-talk related to not approaching women significantly diminished
• I finally managed to choose between learning business first or learning pickup first (chose the former)
• Gained insight on why I had so many requirements for myself, and am finally able to pick a single thing to work on at a time
• I feel like a man instead of a boy
• I'm okay with being awkward sometimes, find it funny and don't dwell on it
• I speak my mind clearly and provide clarity to others without worry
• I'm completely confident that I'm not missing out by not having a relationship. I feel complete
• I have a clear idea of what I'm going to focus on for the rest of the year, and I'm excited
• I have trust that I can find women to have sex with if I would be so inclined

Edited May 9, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I can clearly notice the "I tried" way of thinking that I've been made aware of. I planned to pack my bag today, but if it gets too hard, I would normally just say that "at least I made a start" and postpone it till tomorrow.

That shit needs to go. It enables unrealistic planning habits and living in a fantasy.

If I said I was going to do something today, I will do it today.

Today my score was 5/5.

I spent the entire evening packing my bag, the 3d item on my list for today. I also got done two of the optional items!

My score for this week so far is 40% of things accomplished, but if tomorrow goes right I can achieve 50%.

That's higher than I have had since I started measuring.

I'm aiming to learn to shrink my lists and accomplish more, so I close the gap from both sides and become a person that does what they say they will do. To myself as well as to others.

 

Edited May 10, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Final score of this week: 44%.

I did a thorough cleaning of the rest of my schedule, so I was able to have productive days for the rest of the week.

Even though I am totally flaking on my routines (I even go out for coffee before I have showered, stuff like that), it's very nice to just know which 3 things have to be accomplished today. I feel so much more relaxed and positive.

Thanks to the week schedule, I packed my suitcase two days in advance!!

For all other recent trips I've postponed it until the night before my flight. I would get no sleep and have a night of stressed-out packing. This is just so much better.

 

Well, off to Primal Childhood Deconditioning Intensive!

• No coffee, tea, alcohol, smoking, meat for a week
• No phone or other internet access for a week
• No TALKING for a week!!

It will be tough.

See you on the other side

[ValiantSalvatore]

@flowboy Keep up the work! I can recommend Alan Carrs Book about stopping to smoke if you want to end it forever! 

Edited May 12, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[Alex bAlex]

When you return your nickname will change to "flowMAN" good luck dude ? 

[flowboy]

@Alex bAlex  I just saw your post and tried to change the nickname, cause it was such a good idea apparently not an option...

@ValiantSalvatore  Thank you for the supportive words. I do want to end it forever... thank you for the tip!

[flowboy]

First True One Night Stand

Walking home after a rough night of awkwardness, I recognized a girl who had briefly stepped into the same party:

Hey, you were at the same party, with the luau theme! *shows flower necklace*

I lost my flower necklace!

Here. You can have mine. *puts flower necklace around both our heads, putting our faces really closely together*

Ohh, thank you, yay!

*kisses girl*

Can I be free now? I feel a bit constricted

Of course!

*more making out*

I don't know how I feel about this, making out in the street. I feel so exposed

Well we can do it at home. Then you have to get your jacket.

*thinks* Alright, I'm coming!

Alright, then let's find your jacket and your bike!

 

Believe it or not, this is a big deal for me. I'm 26 and I had never before taken a girl home after just meeting her. I felt awkward and tense the WHOLE way through the night, but I was still able to navigate through it. I suppose the entire night full of chats that led nowhere and painfully awkward moments of girls blatantly walking away from me, were just a warmup to give me the balls and the nothing-to-lose mindset I needed to pluck this ripe low-hanging fruit.

[flowboy]

As per the latest meeting of the Men's Group:

• For the next 30 days, I will Not Smoke
• I will keep up the weekly schedules. It's helping me.

Now that I don't need all these habits for my self esteem anymore, as I already feel good about myself, I can finally focus on just one at a time.

I've done the scheduling for a month, now for the next one I will add the most important health habit, quitting smoking. Solely focus on that.

Report on the Primal Deconditioning Intensive retreat will follow soon. It's such a massive stack of notes, that I will process them one bit at a time and post it here, along with my memories and experiences.

[LoveandPurpose]

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

Now that I don't need all these habits for my self esteem anymore, as I already feel good about myself, I can finally focus on just one at a time.

That's great, real progress. Happy for you! How did you achieve that mentality?

[flowboy]

@LoveandPurpose  Thank you! Hard to say in hindsight, but these factors contributed:

• My men's group gave me the feedback that I'm scattered, doing everything at once and achieving nothing
• That's been cooking in my mind, together with the weekly scheduling and measuring % achieved
• I had a fantastic shroom trip where I experienced myself as everything and there was nothing to be done, as I was already perfect
• I removed some weeds from my mind:
  • The motivation I found for being so perfectionistic, while writing here:
  • The negative unspoken messages and toxic patterns that my parents gave to me, during Primal.
    Primal is REAL fucking intense and great for self esteem. I walked out as a new man.
• Also, I've been getting laid a lot. That also tells your reptile brain that you're fine the way you are

[LoveandPurpose]

@flowboy Alright thanks for the response! What's primal?

[flowboy]

@LoveandPurpose  http://pujalepp.com/project/primal-intensive/

[LoveandPurpose]

@flowboy damn they are coming to my town very soon. How much does this cost? You'd say that it's worth it right? 

[flowboy]

@LoveandPurpose Absolutely. Absolutely fucking worth it. It's expensive, but it's the best. Which didn't matter to me at all. I knew beforehand I would only do this once in my life and its effects would be permanent. I really feel healed of a lot of shit that I was carrying, and didn't even know about.

I was talking to friends yesterday, and realised again how much I've been transformed. My eyes are open wider, I feel lighter, I feel a much deeper connection with people, I feel love while talking to them (instead of neurotic thoughts), I express myself more freely, like the brakes have come off and there's no judgment, and people respond better to me. Even strangers notice, apparently, because I talked to a guy for a few seconds and then he just popped open and started sharing with me like a friend.

It's like magic?? I feel so grateful to Puja and her team?

Edited May 24, 2019 by flowboy