Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[LoveandPurpose]

Hey flowboy! Have you seem this episode yet?

 

I see parallels betweens some of your issues and mine. While watching this episode you popped into my mind and I thought it could help you a lot like it did me!

[flowboy]

@LoveandPurpose  Thank you, I appreciate you reaching out! I will watch it and see if it applies!

[LoveandPurpose]

@flowboy You're welcome! Please tell me your opinion about it then  

[flowboy]

So I toootally meditated again, 10 minutes this time. Realised I'm in a state of overwhelm, and headed for a caffeine-fuelled burnout. It doesn't take much for me. The signs are there:

• Unable to relax my body, it's twitching and tensing up in weird places
• Avoiding sleep and relaxation
• Doing extra work at late unpaid hours for my employer
• Checking github right after waking up (used to be Tinder)
• Increase in irritability and painbody attacks

So I shall quit coffee again and compile an overview of stuff to do, so I feel less overwhelmed and don't use work as an escape

[flowboy]

@LoveandPurpose  I finished the video. Sort of a painful experience, because I discovered that I've been lying to myself about how far along I was. Maybe that's why I avoided it.

I knew mentally that needing accomplishments for happiness doesn't work. And so I keep saying that I'm already happy.

But that doesn't always feel true, because I'm still using the neurotic carrot-and-stick system. When I smoke or eat sugar, I can clearly observe my mind punishing itself. For a long time.

But I wouldn't know where to start, changing this! And I'm indeed too busy being busy. Wow.

He says to

• Go inside and inspect why you want some thing. Usually you'll find that there is some deficiency there, a hole. (Check! Indeed I found some of those. Goes back to high school stuff.) Realize that the hole is an illusion, and at any moment you are already complete.
  Check. I mean I realised it on shrooms.
  But then: what to do?! Yes, I feel like I could let go, but wouldn't that mean I become a homeless drug addict? Oh god, very little faith there.
• Trust that your motivation will come back. The mind is a motivation-generating machine. Some inauthentic stuff will fall away, let it. The mind will generate motivation for what's authentic for you, even if you're nonattached and already happy no matter what.
  Alright...

 

Oh man. I feel like he's right but I don't know what to do with it right now. I feel very confused.

And resistance. There's a voice in me saying that I'm not ready to be nonattached, I need to use the whip and the carrot for a while. Hmm. Is that just ego backlash? Probably. Letting go of conditional happiness conjures up pictures of falling face first into an abyss.

Edited April 20, 2019 by flowboy

[LoveandPurpose]

@flowboy Props for having the courage to watch it! And I know that feeling of thinking that one is less developed than assumed. Painful, but hohesty and acceptance is the first step of change.

I also don't yet know what to do with the information. It's such a big shift. 

I feel that it would be the right path, but doubt and attachment hinders me from letting go.

Please update me if you can implement that knowledge.

And don't forget to be kind to yourself.  You deserve it!

[flowboy]

@LoveandPurpose  Thank you so much! For the supportive words, the attention and the feedback.

I believe that getting feedback from people is the only way out of one's own blind spots.

Thinking and strategizing using only your own mind can only go so far.

Like yesterday, friends from my support group were quite harsh in pointing out where I'm being a victim. I'm very thankful for that.

And equally confused, because I truly don't see it myself (yet). There's smudges on my lense.

[LoveandPurpose]

@flowboy So true man! Glad I could help, you are very welcome! 

[flowboy]

An insight I would have been too stubborn for to gain by myself, but realised thanks to some harsh feedback from the men's circle I have been fortunate to find:

• I've been treating auxiliary habit goals like diet and yoga as the Most Important Thing. Actually, they are not. Time management, scheduling and getting things done are my achilles heel.

I'm considering to post my weekly plans here and report progress. But that's not going to be as interesting to read, so maybe I'll leave out the actual schedule and just post my adherence to it for accountability.

It just hit me that I've been so busy eating clean and preaching to those around me about avoiding wheat, that I hadn't noticed I was getting sloppy with my to-do list. I'm still missing e-mails, making excuses, and basically winging it. No use having a purpose if you fail to make time for it.

I think on some level I knew that I was using the diet to distract myself from the truly hard thing, which is planning and actually doing stuff. But, I didn't realise that consciously yet. I've been growing towards it.

[flowboy]

Toggl Update

A while ago, I said that I would collect more time logging data, and post that here on the last day of March.

Well, I failed to consistently track anything during the weeks that followed that, so the data is garbage. I'm starting over.

Schedule

In the spirit of my new resolution to focus on adherence to schedule as a primary objective, here is the plan for today.

• Get up at 7. (failed due to not going to bed early)
• Do workout (failed due to oversleeping)
• Do morning routine (failed due to oversleeping)
• 19:00 Work on speech
• 21:25 Meditate

All the other habits I put into a habit tracker app, where I will track how I'm doing on them.

Those results I plan to post here weekly on Sunday.

Edited April 24, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I was a bit ill for a few days, now I'm back.

I notice that checking off habits on my phone seems to be working: I spontaneously did some cleaning today, went running and did my routine. But more on that tomorrow.

I still really like the idea that having a plan and executing it is the one most important habit for me. All the other ones are secondary.

I've been keeping a weekly plan in a document (might as well have been Google Calendar, but this way I get to write more comments), and noting how many items I get done, and if not, what is the reason it goes wrong. It's been really clarifying. Mostly, failure starts with oversleeping for me.

I bought a mechanical alarm clock from a thrift store. Maybe that will help.

Today, the plans were:

• Get up at 8 (success, although I was so tired that I just looked for food and crawled back in bed)
• Exercise (success, although I waited until 3pm due to laziness)
• Do morning routine (success, although 4pm is not morning. Still made me feel good)
• Do homework for upcoming Primal Deconditioning workshop (did a little bit)
• Work on speech (fail, out of time)
• Add database to my app (fail, out of time)
• Make an 'add' button on my app (fail, out of time)

It is now 6pm. I just cancelled my social plans and am determined to get this list done

Edit: so I somehow procrastinated 4 full hours watching youtube and texting. Then it was 10 already. I read some of the homework. By now I'm so tired that it's hard to understand the words I'm reading. Also I have a lot of distraction-seeking momentum by now. Productivity seems a lost cause today.

Man, I really am a serious slacker sometimes. 4 Hours of watching random videos, browsing this forum and laying around. Really.?

The pomodoro method app is a good way to get me started. I'll keep using that. Tomorrow, I'll start with that, instead of watch random vids and tell myself I'm doing something.

I'm really frustrated because I even cancelled social plans for this. To watch random vids, apparently. I'm pissed.

This is good. I'm growing.

Edited April 27, 2019 by flowboy

[d0ornokey]

it's nice as well as comforting to read your posts and see i'm not the only one having trouble. dont stop posting

 

btw. you posted something about a support group. where did you find this group? are they just your friends?

Edited April 27, 2019 by d0ornokey

[flowboy]

@d0ornokey Thank you, that's good to hear! No, I won't. I may drop the ball on some habits here or there, but I won't quit

[flowboy]

Yesterday's plans:

• Get up at 9 (success)
• Go running (success)
• Do morning routine (success)
• Evaluate past week and determine priorities (fail)
• Figure out where to rent suit (fail)
• Fill out the questionnaire for the Primal workshop (success)
• Work on the button and add db to the app (fail)
• Work on speech (fail)
• Make next two week schedules (fail)
• Wash clothes (fail)
• Evening routine (fail)

The questionnaire was so much work that it consumed me for all of my productive time.

What could have gone better:

• Don't watch TV next time during dinner, that wastes a lot of time because hard to stop
• Don't go ride your bike to the city to buy cigarettes, only to change your mind in the store, that was a waste of time
• Maybe postpone a phone call with Mom until after my task was done. And keep it shorter. I was happy with the distraction.
• More awareness of how short the day is so I could have properly wound down, meditated and washed up. It was just type until tired, then turn on TV and pass the fuck out. Not a very clean ending.
• Don't have such a long list. I was fooling myself, pretending the day was endless. 3 things max.

What went well:

• I got up on time and started the day with a run
• I had my schedule ready and did check it
• I wiped all stuff off my desk into a basket, so I had no distractions
• I went to get cigarettes multiple times, but changed my mind in time
• I closed all my tabs so I had no distractions
• I turned off my phone
• I washed up multiple times, so there were less built up dirty dishes

 

[flowboy]

Habit Streaks Week 17

(Consecutive days > 2)

• Prayer: 3
• No Alcohol: 5
• Continuous Cleanliness: 3
• Clean Diet: 5
• No Porn: 10

Continuous Cleanliness is what I call that I clean up after myself immediately, i.e. wash a dish right after using it, leave desk clean et cetera. This is a big deal for me okay ?

 

I'm tracking 25 habits in my phone, but I'm only posting about the ones that are going well. Positive reinforcement. I'm hoping the rest will fall into place just because of the extra awareness I'm putting on them by checking them off daily.

And the most important thing for me is planning and follow-through, so I'll be reporting mostly on that, and whatever else comes to mind.

Edited April 29, 2019 by flowboy

[Zigzag Idiot]

7 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I went to get cigarettes multiple times, but changed my mind in time

Way to go!! Your conscious suffering with this will pay back good dividends.

One day there will be no cravings.

[flowboy]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you! I hope so... Right now I feel like a leaf in the wind, the wind being cravings

[flowboy]

Plans for today

• Help friend move (done)
• Finish Primal homework. (done)
• Send an email with request to change the date (done)
• If not possible, make payment (done)
• and book flight. (postponed until tomorrow because I asked to reschedule)
• Make new list of tasks (done)
• Make next two weekly schedules and upload them to the support group (done)
• Add database to app (done)
• Make the button on the app (done)
• Do evening routine w/ meditation (fail)

 

What could have gone better:

• Considering that it takes me a long time to get into a working flow. So the first task on the list I should allot a lot of time for. I estimated that finishing the stuff for Primal would take 45 minutes. It actually took me 3 hours! Including procrastination and eating break.
  • Also making new todo-lists took me 1h15 instead of 30mins, and making a week schedule took 1h45 instead of 30mins
• Accepting when the day is over! I did some programming stuff until after 12, which is probably the reason I massively overslept the next day

What went well:

• I actually did most of the stuff on my list
• I kept cutting off distractions pretty harshly (closing information and videos I had opened) until I got into a nice working flow

 

Edited April 30, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Cravings

I fantasize about smoking constantly. But I keep repeating this thought: "How uncomfortable am I willing to feel?"

That is a question that requires feeling into my body, assessing where the discomfort of the craving is, how bad it is, trying to imagine how bad it could be to be deemed unbearable or not worth it. And by that time I've usually decided that it's much easier to walk away.

It seems an effective method of dealing with cravings. But this is only the second day.

Thoughts on going for "result orientedness"

I'm still convinced this is the right direction for me. The diet, the yoga, the meditation, even the pickup habits are all great but NOT as a main goal. And I was trying to use them as a main goal. But that was a massive smokescreen. A distraction. Something that allowed me to feel like I was progressing a lot, while avoiding the truly hard thing: getting shit done. And, related to that: admitting which shit was never going to get done. Facing the fact that there are so few hours in the day. Cutting things out that are dear to me.

Probably that's not the hard part for most people, but for me it was. Until now.

I'm thinking about bringing this attitude to work. I feel empowered and awake. Like I'm learning this new skill of result-orientedness and now I can see where else I can apply it.

 

Quote

Items 6 through 25 on your list are things you care about. They are important to you. It is very easy to justify spending your time on them. But when you compare them to your top 5 goals, these items are distractions. Spending time on secondary priorities is the reason you have 20 half-finished projects instead of 5 completed ones.

Eliminate ruthlessly. Force yourself to focus. Complete a task or kill it.

The most dangerous distractions are the ones you love, but that don't love you back.

Excerpt from: Warren Buffett’s “2 List” Strategy: How to Maximize Your Focus and Master Your Priorities, by James Clear

 

Mail Goal

Yeah, so... if becoming a regular meditator is not the main goal, and becoming a master pickup artist is not either, then what is it?

It's Full Financial Independence.

Scary to say out loud to people, or write down, because literally everyone I know thinks this is impossible, and I have internalised this belief as well. Or, immoral! "Why would you want so much money? *judgmental look*"

So in the past 8 years I've been dreaming about it, always keeping it vague, because I secretly doubt that it is possible (for me).

I've been hedging my bets.

Going for pickup as a way to ensure that I've had a good time in life even if I fail in my larger goal of entrepreneurship.

I know that to even have a shot at being successful I will have to let go of "having a good time". For at least a few years.

My fear is this: that I spend the remainder of my twenties, and all of my thirties and forties alone, unhappy, failing business after business, never really succeeding while the rest of the people I know are having fun and starting families. I will lose touch with most people and it will all have been for nothing. Because I'm not built for success. I don't have enough focus, street smarts, people skills, connections, business insights. I'm going to get destroyed. Over and over again. And then I will discover that I wasted all my good years.

That is my fear.

Man, I'm scared?

But also excited.

Now, it's time to take a long, hard look at my strategy so far. How much does it look like a strategy for full financial independence?

Not a whole lot, not a whole lot.

This attachment to feeling good and having enough sex, et cetera, is my weakness and obstacle here.

I decided to marginalize pickup until I'm financially independent.

Marginalize means: still try to implement the habit of talking to a hot girl when I see her, but not schedule hours of my time for that specific goal. I will use apps like Tinder until I have sufficient fuckbuddies, then I will stop and leave the app alone, until one of them drops out of the rotation.

Sufficient means: 3 or more. I may change this number.

Financially independent means: I can drive around, eat, live, and travel without having to work. Where I currently live, that is about 2000 euros a month without putting in more than a few hours a week.

Edited April 30, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Plans for today

• Get up at 7 (fail)
• Morning routine (fail)
• Be at work at 10 (fail)
• Book flight (fail)
• Pay student debt (fail)
• Work on Homeostasis Checklist (fail)

So because yesterday I wanted to pretend that the day is forever long, which I often do, I overslept and missed my routine.

Today, I will be in bed on time, tasks finished or not.

Homeostasis Checklist

I made a list of all routine things I need to keep up with.

It's basically a long list of conditions that determine to what extent I'm on top of things.

It includes stuff like:

• Are the dishes done?
• Are my nails clipped?
• Are my text messages replied to and archived?
• Are my letters read and processed?
• Are my to-do cards up to date?
• Do I have a year plan that I'm on track with?
• Do I have the next two weeks planned out?
• Do I have plans with my most important friends and family?
• Do I have festivals/vacations planned for the next 12 months?

And many more.

The idea is that this is stuff I don't want to clog up my to-do lists with, because it keeps coming back.

There is so much to keep up with, that I don't have an overview of it and usually give up on keeping up. And then live my life, and only clean when people are coming over, and only deal with emails when there is 2000 of them. Et cetera.

So I'm taking control of that. We'll see how that goes.

Edited April 30, 2019 by flowboy