Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

4 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Is thinking in opposition to intuition?

@tsuki Yeah. "whatever comes to mind" was not the right expression. I mean feeling into the situation until you know the choice that feels right. That can be entirely done without logic. So by an "overthinking session" I meant using logic.

 

5 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Did you plan your thoughts, or do they arise spontaneously?

Oh God? Thank you for that rabbit hole...

Nope, they arise spontaneously. But my decisions to go with them or to listen to my gut, also arise spontaneously. There is no one in control. Also what I'm writing here. It's arising, I don't plan it. Oh God, I feel like I'm losing touch and floating awayy?

Ultimately decisions are quite paradoxical. It feels like I have a choice there, but it can only go one way. Who's making them? They're happening by themselves. Then why have discussions on what to do? Who's having the discussions?

A few weeks ago I had this moment where I became aware that I had NO idea how to think. More specifically, how to come up with something creatively. I was writing something.

I wondered: hmm, how do I normally do this? Oh right, just stare at it and keep reading what I already have until more things come up. Magically. That's all I understand about it. That was a weird moment. And yes, I was microdosing that day.

[tsuki]

13 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Oh God? Thank you for that rabbit hole...

@flowboy Say hi to our mutual friend, Allan Watts .

What is the Tao?
Your ordinary mind is the Tao.
How can I be in accord with it?
When you try to accord with it, you deviate from it.

[flowboy]

Got up at                           : 11:00
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 19
Total infield time                  : 12h10
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 70
    alcohol                         : 5
    caffeine except tea             : 7
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 18
    sugar                           : 8
    dairy                           : 24
    peak orgasm                     : 6
    porn                            : 27

Still having trouble with following up with girls. All my life I've done it this way: just asking to set another date to meet. "When do you have time?"

But, this apparently doesn't work so well. It will take time for my brain to grasp this.

• I asked my driving instructor (woman) just for fun. She advised things like: "I'm in the neigbourhood by coincidence, want to grab coffee".
  Or: "That night I'm cooking ... and have more than for one, you could come join me"
• RSD seems to advise "doing cool things and inviting her along". Like going to parties, but they say it can even be shopping or laundry.
• A trusted friend said last night that it is important to be on your path and invite them along, to an event for example. Asking for when they have time is making yourself too available (I think?) so alternatively you could propose something and if they say no a couple times, just cut it off. "Either fuck yes, or no."
  Mark Manson style

I told him that I really like the women that I've met so far, and I want to make sure I see them again.

The control freak in me wants to set dates.

His response was that maybe I shouldn't do anything at all. Because if I'm thinking about this in my daily life so much, I'm still making the women too important. I'm needing them too much. Even though I have options.

There's something to it. Today I feel empty, confused and in a bad mood. I want to fill that emptiness with validation from girls. With racking up more numbers. I want the women to distract me. Yikes. I suppose it's good that I'm realising that now.

Netflix never rejects me when I put too much importance on it?

I'm even very, VERY tempted to smoke.

Back to the topic of following up with women. I tried the advice and texted to a bunch of girls: "I'll be sitting at a coffee shop working on something today. Come meet me there if you like."

Is it too boring? Too vague? Does it have to be an activity you can share? Perhaps.

Not much effect:

• Ignored
• Can't because I live too far away
• Can't because I'm busy today with X

And, this makes sense actually. On the day itself, there's a very small chance that people are available.

So that's why I am inclined to ask when someone is free.

The alternative is knowing in advance what I'll be doing every day for the coming week, so I can casually invite girls along, but in the future. This will require me to step up my planning skills. Scheduling out my week becomes important for dating. There's something I never expected would happen.

But this is probably what is lacking. Me having plans. Plans that leave opportunities for women to join.

 

Edited March 23, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

The woman across from me has her tobacco out on the table, and I've spent the last half hour fantasizing about asking for a cigarette. Unbelievable cravings. Unexpected, too. To the point where I was sure that I was going to, and I was already imagining my no-smoking counter going from 70 days to 0. What that would do to me. I would survive but it would be depressing.

Still not sure whether I will beg people for a smoke. But right now, I'm writing about it instead.

Edit: the woman with the tobacco finally left!!! Victory!!!

It's weird because I had a date with a woman who smoked right in front of me, and I was barely tempted.

But I was feeling good about myself then. Plus, I know that betraying your values is a ladyboner killer.

Now, I was feeling bad about myself, and no one was watching me. Close call?

Edited March 23, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I've been slacking off on the planning part, and now I'm suffering for it. Trying to do everything at once again, very chaotically.

Also my body is complaining about the lack of exercise. That also doesn't help my focus.

Before I have my first tea of the day, I'm usually in a very chaotic haze. The fact that I stopped doing my morning routine (lack of meditation) seems to make this much worse.

I feel inspired to recreate a routine. One that doesn't become too much.

[flowboy]

Minerals

For a while now I've been worried about feeling weird on this diet:

• Strung out, like after a night of amphetamine use (I've heard)
• Weirdly fast heartbeat and stressed feeling
• Irregular, fast and shallow breathing
• Tired feeling in the eyes
• Mentally not fully there. Brain fog. Chaotic
• Loss of words and even grammar
• Constant underslept feeling
• Body feels restless, but at the same time unwilling to do things like walk up stairs or ride a bicycle

Then, I remembered that I read something about mineral supplementation on keto. Maybe that's what's missing.

So I bought a potassium and sodium salt (LO-SALT) and mixed it in a cup with some sea salt and drank it.

Tastes like you'd expect someone's diluted saliva to taste. And it could be placebo, but I'm feeling goood. Food tastes better. I feel calmer.

Also bought a more bioavailable magnesium, gonna add that on.

Guess I will have to drink more water AND drink my salty mix, when on keto.

[flowboy]

I feel like I slept really well! I think the minerals are helping.

I abandoned my morning routine this week because it takes too long, and it's too many things. If I'm waking up late and have to go to work quickly, I don't want to have to complete a list of 12 tasks before I go. And that's literally what it was like.

1. Shower
2. Make bed
3. Pray
4. Yoga
5. Concentration
6. Meditation
7. Read vision
8. Write affirmation
9. Visualisation
10. Make schedule for day
11. Brush teeth
12. Pack things for work

So when I'm in a rush, the first things to go are making a plan and brushing my teeth! I need a plan to feel like I have my shit handled.

I decided to make that the previous evening. I have tried that before, some years ago. I had a habit of making my daily schedule for the next day. But I ran into a problem: it was hard to make myself do it before bed when sleeping over somewhere. And another problem: I would have to do it when coming home drunk.

Try waking up hung over and finding out that some drunk guy scheduled your day for you

So here's my new design. Took quite a bit of puzzling to figure out how to handle evening plans. It's probably not realistic to make my date wait for my hour-long evening medition before bed. Or in the morning for that matter. Not to say that I've been meditating that long lately, but my routine should allow for it.

And skipping in case I have company is also a bad idea, because 1) the perfectionist in me would never be okay with that and 2) that means that spending an evening with a person becomes a rare occasion that I have to feel guilty about if I do it too often. Because it made me skip meditation. No. Same reason that I don't drink alcohol. If I want to have people over every day of the week, then that should be sustainable.

But, I do want to reap the benefits of a bedtime ritual! That will prime my physiology for sleep. And that should be right before bed!

Aargh, it's all SO COMPLICATED!

So, I ended up creating 3 routines. I will try them today for the first time, so I may tweak them. But they should be doable yet contain the important habits.

Oh, and why routines? Because I don't like going through my day having to think about whether I've done every individual habit already or not. It would drive me crazy. And I've tried the apps where you tick boxes for when you've done it. I don't like being dependent on my phone for something so fundamental.

 

 

And the evening routines:

 

• There is a column for the time. This is an example I use to see if it would work and how long it would take. I won't be checking the clock all the time, and it doesn't have to match this.

• If I had a big night, I will make sure I can sleep 8.5 hours, and start my routine right after

• I don't check my messages or other apps/forums before routine is done!

• If I'm sleeping with someone, I make sure to do the evening block before we meet!
  Trying to schedule and write affirmations and meditate an hour at some girl's place won't work most of the time.

I realise this seems overly precise, but this is the way my mind likes it. When plans change on the spot, for example when a friend suggests coming over, or going out, I don't want to have to stand there for 15 minutes trying to think whether that would mess up my routines and how to fix that. Scheduling on the fly is not my forte, guys. I need a plan that I can trust. That will work in every situation and allow me to do whatever I want around it.

I may change the content a bit, but I think I'm getting close.

I'm off to try my morning program.

Edited March 24, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Got up at                           : 14:00
Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0
One Approach A Day streak           : 0
Eating within 9 hour window streak  : 0
Number of women approached          : 19
Total infield time                  : 12h10
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 71
    alcohol                         : 6
    caffeine except tea             : 8
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 19
    sugar                           : 9
    dairy                           : 25
    peak orgasm                     : 7
    porn                            : 28

 

[flowboy]

Wow. I just came back from gym and my body is BUZZING with energy. At the gym, I noticed: hey, suddenly the weights are less heavy! I had to stop myself from going too fast. Also, usually it takes me a while to get in the workout "zone", when I go from "oh god why am I doing this" to "YEAHH rip those muscles". This time, almost instant.

I think it's safe to say that the magnesium and potassium are helping. Although I've also not come for 7 days, that's also a factor in energy levels. And I drank a mix of water with matcha powder and spirulina while working out. So it's really hard to pinpoint why I feel so GRRREAT. Again. Really should experiment more scientifically some time.

It's hard to sit still and type this. Want to MOVE!!!

Bought magnesium powder, ginkgo and a year's supply of resveratrol.

Oh, and while feeling insanely powerful, it's just perfect that one of my girls wants to come over. I'm MAD horny!

Edited March 24, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I think the supplements are helping. When I woke up, I felt like I had slept ENOUGH (I hadn't). Went for a run around 7:30 aaaaand did my first approach while on the run!

I saw a girl with long red hair. I started making the excuses: I have all day, I'm busy working out, I don't have to start today yet ...

Then she turns around. This is meant to be. I introduce myself to her. She smiles and we talk for a bit. Part of me can't believe that such a beautiful girl is being so friendly and open to me. She must have been in a good mood too.

After rambling a bit about festivals, I feel like there is nothing left to say. Couple factors:

1. - The fact that I promised to be back in 20 minutes is disturbing my thoughts now, I feel I should continue running
2. - I'm really sleepy and I just had sex half an hour ago, I'm actually not super motivated to hit on her
3. - Proving that I could have a pleasant conversation with an attractive stranger was all I set out to do. This goal was accomplished.
4. - I'm not warmed up and can't think of a next step

But she apparently walks there every morning, so I say "see you tomorrow then, maybe, ha ha" She affirms.

Next time I meet someone in the morning, I will propose a coffee date later that day.

I get back home and make my girl breakfast. Said jokingly "sorry I'm late. I met a girl at the park. I think she's gonna be my next girlfriend."

While looking for her underwear, she finds some other girl's underwear behind/under my bed. I say "Oh right, I think I know who lost that. Stop judging me!"

She must think I'm a slut AND a slob. Not sure if good or bad.

 

Just had a great dinner and lovely deep conversation with a friend. Now, I'm beat. No "evening routine" for me today. Straight to bed.

When I'm fresh tomorrow, I can think about how to handle a situation like that: going out to eat right after work is from 18:00 to 21:00.

Yeah, probably meditate right after. But I feel like sleeping would be more beneficial right now, or I might get sick.

Got up at                           : 6:45
Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0
One Approach A Day streak           : 1
Eating within 9 hour window streak  : 0
Number of women approached          : 20
Total infield time                  : 12h15
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : (162/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 72
    alcohol                         : 7
    caffeine except tea             : 9
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 20
    sugar                           : 10
    dairy                           : 26
    peak orgasm                     : 0
    porn                            : 29

 

[flowboy]

I've been increasingly aware that debating people is a very addictive waste of energy.

* On this forum

* With my ex girlfriend, whom I like but she disapproves of everything I do lately, and can't help herself but express her condemnation harshly when I share something

Of course turning this into a debate takes two.

Today, I feel very aware of how much energy I'm putting into a conversation and where it's coming from.

In this case, one moment the motivating energy was "sharing", we were catching up and it's fun to share. Then the energy changed, she expressed disapproval and now the motivation for me to speak was the drive to defend, convince, debate, correct, TELL PEOPLE HOW DUMB AND HYPOCRITICAL THEY ARE!

But I said to myself, let's not.

What's to be gained?

The carrot dangled in front of you is to convince the other of your views. To feel understood, validated, safe, after the other admitted that you are right.

But does this ever happen? Once you get into debate mode, and the energy changes from curious to combative, it's too late.

I suppose it happens frequently enough to addict us. But this is like a rare dog treat in a conditioning experiment. Like winning big in the casino, rarer even.

As a rule of thumb, I will strive to voice my opinion once, and when there's contradicting opinions, and I feel like engaging that debate energy, just not to say anything more unless asked.

 

I suppose this fits in with the recent development of me being more aware of the energy behind what I'm saying.

I'm pleased But also, like with any paradigm shift, I'll probably start seeing it everywhere now, and will have to refrain from pointing it out to people.

Like the resolution of my vision got an upgrade, and now I'll probably have to restrain myself from attempting to wipe all the tiny spots from other people's glasses.

 

Maybe this was catalyzed by not drinking, alcohol also tends to blur your 'vision'.

In other news, I have never felt to focused and effective at work without coffee! Ever. I believe.

In a meeting I was decisive and leading. I didn't set out to be, but I felt it was necessary. I felt so clear-minded, that it seemed in comparison that everyone around me was very cloudy and saying a lot of unnecessary things that didn't help progress. Just a very good decisive dopamine rush. I think I succeeded in helping the group make a decision quickly, so that everyone could get back to work and not waste anyone's time. Somehow almost nobody is aware of how much time they are wasting by going into unnecessary stories and detours in a meeting.

Also, it used to be that when I interrupted someone, or cut their story short, I would feel guilty and worry about it a bit. Not this time. I still blushed, but didn't even waste energy on second-guessing myself.

My fingers are typing like crazy. Forceful, like they really WANT to type.

Knowledge is more quickly accessible, but I don't get lost in it.

And I've not even had tea. All I had was water with spirulina, magnesium, potassium and sodium. Probably a little too much sodium, it tasted like sea water and my eyes kinda felt pressure like when I've been swimming in salty sea water. I'm still experimenting.

And for lunch I had a good portion of fatty trout and herring. Couple avocados. Some almond butter.

The clouds have parted!!!

I'm referring to ADD symptoms. I want to save this state as a savepoint, so I can load it later when I have brain fog.

Ingredients: minerals, lots of water, spirulina, wheat grass powder, lemon juice, running in the morning, fatty fish, avocados, almonds, 99% dark chocolate.

And clearly, I can feel this great even without two weeks of saved up semen. Interesting.

Got up at                           : 9:15
Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0
One Approach A Day streak           : 1
Eating within 9 hour window streak  : 0
Number of women approached          : 20
Total infield time                  : 12h15
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : (162/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 73
    alcohol                         : 8
    caffeine except tea             : 10
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 21
    sugar                           : 11
    dairy                           : 27
    peak orgasm                     : 0
    porn                            : 30

 

Edited March 26, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I can feel my neurons firing faster. My thoughts are fast and to-the-point. My movements are efficient and effortless.

I've been feeling all morning like I'm in some superhuman state of functioning. But I think I'm just catching up to my potential, by eliminating foods that cause me depression and brain fog, and working out in the morning AND getting my minerals balanced. Wow.

Intermittent fasting

I started drinking my mineral water with lemon juice and maca powder, without realising that that counts as food. Any nutrients count as food, that's why when intermittent fasting you don't drink tea or coffee outside the eating window. Because that too activates your metabolism. MAN I'M TYPING FAST

I will count it this time as a beginner's mistake, and tomorrow only do water until 12.

Edited March 27, 2019 by flowboy

[tsuki]

17 hours ago, flowboy said:

What's to be gained?

The carrot dangled in front of you is to convince the other of your views. To feel understood, validated, safe, after the other admitted that you are right.

But does this ever happen? Once you get into debate mode, and the energy changes from curious to combative, it's too late.

I suppose it happens frequently enough to addict us. But this is like a rare dog treat in a conditioning experiment. Like winning big in the casino, rarer even.

In my experience, it's even more ominous.
Deep down we all know that our thoughts/beliefs are grounded in blindness.
The need to debate is how we divert our attention so that we don't have to face it.

If we feel emotions in themselves, without the narrative of the mind, anger and fear feel energizing to the body.
This energy is hijacked to justify the mind's subversive attitude and dissipated in bickering.
The mind justifies bickering as introducing necessary change in others that are mistaken, but it is a deception.
The effect is that belief structures of both parties are reinforced and polarized through repetition and imagination.

It's not opposition, but co-dependence.

Edited March 27, 2019 by tsuki

[flowboy]

@tsuki Bookmarked and saved That's fucking insightful wow

So it's a game of "Let's practice distracting ourselves from what we don't want to see, together"

Edited March 27, 2019 by flowboy

[tsuki]

@flowboy Yep, a fully grown parasite that lives off your flow, boy .
Well, parasite is a wrong word. We don't need the raft once we're on the shore.

Edited March 27, 2019 by tsuki

[flowboy]

Got up at                           : 7:05
Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0
One Approach A Day streak           : 2
Eating within 9 hour window streak  : 0
Number of women approached          : 21
Total infield time                  : 12h15
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : (165/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 74
    alcohol                         : 9
    caffeine except tea             : 11
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 22
    sugar                           : 12
    dairy                           : 28
    peak orgasm                     : 1
    porn                            : 31

There was a bit of cheese on the carpaccio I ordered at the restaurant two days ago. I am not resetting my dairy counter for that.

To clarify:

• I try to not go out to eat a lot
• When I do, I pick the dish that seems to fit in my diet. If none, then I don't eat there.
• I don't force myself to ask the waiter for ingredients. There maybe some sugar in the sauce here, some starch there. I don't worry about it.
• Any side dishes that clearly don't fit, I don't touch. For example potato chips and bread, sides of cheese, cookies you get with tea.
• I draw the line at picking stuff out of my food. Or asking the staff to do that. And if a dish is meant to be eaten with sauces, I will try some of them.

I suppose this is my version of a cheat day. I don't eat outside my diet on purpose, but if it happens by accident, fine. I'm not going to make my life extremely difficult to prevent that. 

[flowboy]

Caffeine unaddiction complete.

I feel like I took a limitless pill, crushed it up, snorted a few crumbs and flushed the rest out of fear for addiction.

But I didn't. I drank magnesium water. What the fuck.

I suppose I'm just happy to be working in a good flow with reasonable focus and clarity, without having to drink coffee until I'm twitching all over.

This is what was possible all along?!

Not even green tea today. Not even spirulina.

 

I noticed that the dark chocolate I ate (like 1/3rd of a bar) was followed by a half-hour dip in focus and willpower.

Perhaps that's a little hard on my digestion the same way gluten is. I should limit it even more.

Had a thought this morning: everyone seems to be assuming that everything they eat or drink has to taste good. Like, how naive is that. Why, after decades of stuffing yourself with bread and pastries would you think your taste buds would even recognize healthy food?

"If I don't like it, I'm not doing it" You know what, I will judge whether I like something by how it makes me feel after, not during.

[/rant]

In other news: I'm sleeping better. I think. The nighttime ritual is helping, no devices on is helping, the magnesium is DEFINITELY helping. And the not ingesting a stimulant that takes forever to flush out, aka coffee.

I'm pleased

Edited March 27, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I'm peacefully catching up on email, and I feel efficient and focused. Nice flow.

Compared to Ritalin:

• less stressful
• less euphoric
• more sustainable
• just as motivated
• even more efficient, because distractions don't boundlessly interest me like on amphetamines

Ingredients:

• Working out every day this week (running + gym today)
• Mental peace from having done my daily approach already and being 'on track' in general
• 1tsp magnesium, 1/2 tsp lo-salt, 1/2 tsp salt
• Green tea
• Dark chocolate
• Fish fried in much coconut oil

 

[flowboy]

Just came back from a friend's going away party. Just before I went there, I felt suddenly my energy drop and like I had these bags under my eyes, which I did, and needed to sleep. This was around 9/10 ish. Decided to go anyway.

Had a good time. So 3.5 hours of social interaction when I'm dead tired... Still, it was nice and met a pretty girl who I had decent interactions with. Actually, I had great fun with everyone there. I'm a pretty social guy for a few hours, even when zombified. It's like because I'm conducting my emotions more efficiently, and worrying less about bullshit, I still had energy left to be social.

I realised: I need to organise things with groups of friends. Have a more active social circle. Yes, it will cost me time, but it's a very relaxing element of life to have friends you can just banter with. Maybe once a week is plenty. It will bring balance to my life. Not just girls are important.

Edited March 29, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I'm about to walk into the grocery store when I see her, standing outside. Smoking a cigarette. Blonde, freckles, tall, slim. So pretty that I feel like I don't even deserve to take up her time. I panic and continue into the store.

Then something in me goes: "FUCK IT. You have to learn this. Yes, it's going to be awkward, possibly even humiliating. You have to learn to tolerate that."

I go back outside and hesitantly approach her. Now she must know I don't feel high value compared to her. But fuck it, that ship has sailed.

I mutter something about seeing her in my instagram feed (??), she says she's seen me around the gym. She works there, in the store. But she's studying to be a lawyer. Criminal law and sensational stuff fascinates her. I joke that she can defend me later. I ask her name. We shake hands. She says she has to go into work now. I ask: "what's my name?" and she goes: "Oh, dunno, I don't remember shit like that" ?

During the whole conversation I feel like I'm using a fake voice (a weird, bitchy sounding one apparently) and I'm pretty (not completely) blocked in what I authentically want to say. I do manage to say something about her freckles, because I was honestly thinking about them, and state that I think it's cute. It doesn't land. By that time she's too weirded out. Plus there was never really a hook point.

The whole thing was a an awkward mess, but a beautiful awkward mess. Because it's my mess.

I feel a bit surprised in how hard it is to be myself and flow freely with people I think I don't deserve. But overall, I'm very, very proud that I saw a stunner and just went up cold.

Got up at                           : 8:30
Morning,Evening,Night routine streak: 0
One Approach A Day streak           : 2
Eating within 9 hour window streak  : 0
Number of women approached          : 24
Total infield time                  : 12h20
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : (168/232) Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 77
    alcohol                         : 12
    caffeine except tea             : 14
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 25
    sugar                           : 15
    dairy                           : 31
    peak orgasm                     : 4
    porn                            : 34