Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

I did an approach! Am I a pickup artist yet??

Went to the city after work to talk to girls. Then I realise: nope, it's too late already! I should be going to bed. I turn my bike around.

Then I realise: nope, I'm using that as an excuse to be a pussy. Just trying to build a habit of going out, doesn't have to take more than a few minutes.

As I ride into the center I feel shaky and realise that there's still a lot of anxiety. What am I going to say? What if I freeze up or be completely weird?

I walk around aimlessly past empty or closed bars (it's 9:30 on a Tuesday) for a while, and almost try to escape with the "there's no target-rich environments anyway" excuse.

I see two handsome women sitting outside. I walk up to them, change my mind and try to enter the bar. I see the bar is empty. I turn around and face the girls. Now or never boy.

One of them is holding her (tiny) dog.

FB: "What a nice cat!"

Suzanne: "Yeah, I brought my puss today ha ha"

FB, suddenly feeling like I need an excuse to talk to them: "Oh yeah I just came from work and it's almost bedtime for me but I figured I'd talk to some people. Since I missed Sesame Street already. Hi, I'm flowboy."

Suzanne introduces herself and says to Lisa: "Hey, sesame street, is that still on?"

FB: "I asked my mom to tape it for me but she forgot, damn it."

They laugh.

I start talking about a Dutch singer from a while back. They both remember him. We list some songs.

I feel like I'm getting into a familiar flow. Saying random stuff to strangers. I've done it before, it's not that hard.

But I'm really sleepy and should actually go to bed. I tell Suzanne and Lisa this and wish them a good night.

 

Judging by their reactions, I would say that they were mildly entertained. And bored. I could have sat down and chatted them up for a while and they would have been receptive probably. But I also wasn't in the sexual zone, my voice had that friendly let's-just-get-along tonality, and they clearly did not perceive a sexual vibe from me. Which is authentic at the moment, because I just wanna go to sleep.

I know this is nothing. I felt like I had much more in me. But before I go all out, I am building the habit of even going out at all. By lowering the bar. To ridiculously low. So the next time I will feel little resistance.

Went home proud of my little approach Feels so much better than none. In the supermarket I was very tempted to celebrate by buying a beer, but I didn't even do that! I went for sparkling water.

Actually I didn't buy anything because my bank account was empty, but that's neither here nor there

 

 

[flowboy]

Let's not forget what clean eating has given me:

• increased physical energy
• No more dandruff! I just realized this.
• the end of anxiety/gloomy somber feelings. I get no more crying spells. No more excessive sadness.
  And I remember this sadness came back when I ate bread again, so it's definitely the diet.

What it's not:

• the end of frustrated/angry feelings. Bad moods still occur but they are not sad, just a shallow frustration
• the end of concentration problems.

I've been sticking to my diet nearly perfectly for two weeks now, and this week I've been really messing around in the morning, taking forever to get my shit together and leave for work, for example.

I feel like concentration is mostly a choice to not get sucked in to distractions. I've been giving in way too much because I was seduced by dating apps, and I'm paying the price for it. Doing the same thing for 20 minutes has been straight up hard lately.

Also I skipped meditation, yoga, visualisation, affirmation, and scheduling this morning. Still was super late for work though, because of distractability.

Got up at                           : 8:45
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 19
Total infield time                  : 12h10
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 67
    alcohol                         : 2
    caffeine except tea             : 4
    TV                              : 2
    grains                          : 15
    sugar                           : 5
    dairy                           : 21
    peak orgasm                     : 3
    porn                            : 24

 

I think I'm eating too much. I have a pretty clear picture of what foods I want to eat. Now, my intuition is telling me that it's time for intermittent fasting. Or, in other words, not eating three times a day / all day long like a crazy person.

Do I want to skip breakfast? Could do that. Coconut yoghurt is too much trouble anyway, so it's eggs and bacon all the time.

Do I want to skip dinner? I could keep eating salad for lunch like I'm doing now, and eat steak for breakfast maybe.

Have to think about this...

Edited March 20, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Notes on how to optimize sleep:

• We need darkness
• We need structure: biological night. Time pattern
• Temperature must be low
• Exercise in the morning. Even 5 minutes
• tiny amount of artificial light on your skin can be disruptive because skin has photoreceptors
  • Change bulb color
  • Be mindful of artificial light for outside
  • Be mindful of all LED lights, maybe cover them
  • Moon and stars are okay
• Screen Curfew. Every hour spent on device screen at night suppresses melatonin for an additional 30 minutes.
  Instead, talk to a real person or have sex. Sex and sleep are connected
  • Blue light blocking glasses
  • F.lux / for Android
• Create an Evening ritual. Brain is always looking for patterns. A great morning starts the night before.
  • Cool off thermostat
  • Make sure bed is sleep sanctuary. Get tech out of there, so your brain doesn't associate bed with it.

source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Mtw3vBQYOg

 

I'm considering moving much of my morning routine (meditation, yoga, scheduling, visualisations) to an evening routine. Then work out in the morning. That's what I usually feel like doing in the mornings, anyways. Eat and move.

Edited March 20, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

First Date

Just met a lovely girl who I had a lot in common with. This led to me sharing a lot about my passions and her "interviewing" me. That worried me because the vibe was very much about finding commonalities and becoming friends. I had a feeling that I needed to get out of qualifying myself, but it just didn't feel authentic to be masculine and change topics or be challenging or whatever. That energy just wasn't there.

Then, when I tried to kiss her, she pushed me off. I kind of expected that, but I felt like I had to push through that anxiety to express my authentic desires. Then she actually went meta and discussed it: "I hope you are okay with me pushing you off, but it just doesn't feel right to kiss you at this moment. I don't know why"

Me, conducting my anxiety: "Totally fine!" *suffers in awkward silence*

So with that statement and the silence afterwards I thought that the fate of this night was decided: a friendly chat with some tense moments, never to be repeated or spoken of again.

Suffice it to say that my fear was unnecessary and based on assumptions that turned out to be incorrect.

I thought: once you get to the point of having awkward silences after failed attempts to kiss, hope is lost. Even more so when you start discussing it (going meta). And that once I got to the point that I was so open and vulnerable that I just start sharing my most intimate thoughts, and even my nervousness around her, and about the evening, that's a guaranteed friendzone. She would never feel that masculine polarity from me after I have told her how nervous I am, or oversharing my feelings and being naked.

A couple things went really, really well though:

• We went meta about not kissing, but I saved it by coming up with the frame that it's probably normal to take things slower and discuss more in this situation (she's in an open relationship)
• I felt uncharacteristically vulnerable and nervous around her, not masculine and in control at all. But I was very accepting of it and kept sharing it openly. I didn't let the freakout freak me out. I held the frame of: "How interesting, I feel like a nervous teenager around you. That's refreshing after having some dating experience!"
• I even turned it into a kino opportunity: "Here, feel my heart. It's beating so fast!"
  We talked a lot about flow. She told me that she feels this flow, being in the moment, letting go and saying whatever comes to mind, from me, all evening, and she's attracted to it and wishes she could be like that. I said: that's interesting, I didn't think that would happen when I'm so nervous. Probably because I'm still accepting of it (this is when I realised)
• I talked a lot about sex and my own sexuality, in a comfortable non-judgmental way.
  • "I hate it when people can't make eye contact when I cum. Sex should be more than mutual masturbation"
  • "I love how we seem to be able to get lost in conversation and talk forever. But (strong eye contact) that's not all. I'm also attracted to you. You make me horny. That also plays a role" She answers affirmatively.
• I teased her a lot. "You smell quite nice" "Thank you, I don't smell anything" "That's because you're a filthy smoker."

More things. I want to point out that none of these were tactics that I consciously employed. On the contrary, the evening had a very nice flow to it and I am just amazed at what good things can happen when you let go and surrender to what comes up in the moment.

Even if your ego thinks you should be making out already or whatever. Fuck that. All these mindfucks are happening in my head, causing panics, were incorrect and unnecessary. Also unnecessary to plan anything or make any moves on purpose.

I mean, I kinda awkwardly grabbed her hands, awkwardly put her leg on my lap, awkwardly put my hand on her knee at different times. That you could call deliberate moves, because I wasn't in flow at that moment and thinking too much.

I think it still helped to do it, awkwardly or not. Taking action gets you into flow quicker.

Lots of limiting beliefs shattered. For example the belief that once you get into finding-commonalities-mode without sufficient man to woman interaction first, that there's no recovering from that. Apparently that can happen if you just let go.

All I did was let go. I lead in letting go, she followed. I'm amazed at the connections that can happen when you do that.

Overall, I just met a genuinely nice girl that I had a real connection with, and we had an awesome time.

 

I want to re-write all this tomorrow because I'm so tired that my grammar, punctuation, vocabulary AND spelling suck shit ass. There. I cursed.

[flowboy]

This weekend I am not scheduled full of dates, so I have time to work out some changes in my habits, and make a new start with morning/evening routines.

Still feeling awesome about the girl I met.

When I woke up, I immediately felt like I had to get out of bed. I wanted to RUN. My body's like a young dog, waiting to be walked.

The strung-out, underslept-but-energetic feeling is back. I guess I'm done with the coffee withdrawals. I wish I could sleep, because my mind doesn't feel so clear, but on the other hand I do feel hyper and enthousiastic.

Like my off-button is broken. Hmm. And people keep telling me that keto is not a good idea. My date did it for two years but then it started making her mentally clouded and tired.

Man, I should do my own research and actually read papers.

I'm strongly considering ditching the whole going out several nights a week approach altogether and instead going for the one-approach-a-day habit. Will be tough. But, it gets to the root of the problem: I suffer when I spontaneously see a girl so attractive that I'm too freaked out to go up. That's when I hate myself a bit for chickening out. So if I could turn that into the daily approach...

An advantage would be that I get to keep a more regular sleep schedule.

Got up at                           : 9:15
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 19
Total infield time                  : 12h10
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 68
    alcohol                         : 3
    caffeine except tea             : 5
    TV                              : 3
    grains                          : 16
    sugar                           : 6
    dairy                           : 22
    peak orgasm                     : 4
    porn                            : 25

 

[tsuki]

18 hours ago, flowboy said:

And that once I got to the point that I was so open and vulnerable that I just start sharing my most intimate thoughts, and even my nervousness around her, and about the evening, that's a guaranteed friendzone. She would never feel that masculine polarity from me after I have told her how nervous I am, or oversharing my feelings and being naked.

@flowboy Don't get discouraged, it's not a guaranteed friendzone. Was vulnerability mutual?

[flowboy]

@tsuki  Thank you for the kind words brother! I suppose it was. She said she wasn't super experienced either with dating outside her relationship, and also felt a bit weird about it. Especially after her boyfriend randomly came at her door to check on her.

She was quite bubbly in the beginning because she didn't know me yet, and maybe towards the end we synced up. I hugged her, she climbed on my lap, we had a LOT of eye contact and in this intimate moment the polarity, man-to-woman feeling and flow came back and it was mad horny. Glorious makeout.

I was very aware that I needed this makeout a little too much, for confirmation that it wasn't a friend zone situation. But I don't think that hurt the situation too much. She kissed me when we said goodbye and said she LOVED to come over some time.

So indeed that was a valuable lesson! That sometimes when you feel like friends and there's no sexual tension, it can come later if you let go!

[tsuki]

@flowboy Ahem. So, before I say what I want to say - let me first give you some background so that we don't misunderstand each other.
I definitely do not have as much dating experience as you do - in fact, I married the first woman that I dated in my adult life. I'm saying this because what I'm about to say may not apply to you at all, so it's not like I'm trying to teach you, or anything. More than that - I haven't even read your whole journal, so I'm not even sure if I understand you correctly. Nevertheless...

When it comes to vulnerability with women, I think that it's easily misunderstood, because before we get comfortable around them, we tend to rationalize our meekness with this good guy persona/caricature. It is often held in place via thoughts of being special and emotional (vulnerable).
The macho culture correctly teaches to master the masculine in order to spark the chemistry, but it confuses meekness of the good guy with genuine vulnerability. Please, for the sake of your future relationships, don't buy into that mindset.

Vulnerability, not image, is what makes people connect. If you want a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship with a woman, you need to learn to be properly feminine as well. Leo has a video about that topic, but I can't seem to find it, so here's a different one if you're interested:

 

Edited March 21, 2019 by tsuki

[Zigzag Idiot]

9 hours ago, tsuki said:

I'm saying this because what I'm about to say may not apply to you at all, so it's not like I'm trying to teach you, or anything. More than that - I haven't even read your whole journal, so I'm not even sure if I understand you correctly. Nevertheless...

@tsuki I don't think it applies the way you laid it out but I agree with what you say and that it does often apply to many. I'm saying this just as an objective third party who's read @flowboy Journal pretty consistent. I liked the book ThE Superior Man by David Deita also, he recommends 

I liked both those videos.  The warm guys understand about finding third force. They left out Fonzie, when they listed the cool guys, though..

Edited March 22, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot

[tsuki]

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks. I suppose that it may have been an opportunity for me to self-reflect.
Upon sleeping on this, I realized that vulnerability is not in opposition to self-image at all. It's not a spectrum, but a synergy.

The act of sharing things that are inwardly rejected is how we become vulnerable in the social sphere.
Rejection of those things is, after all, based on our self-image, so the ones that have no self-image cannot be vulnerable.
So, it's about me after all. Sorry @flowboy for this intermission.

Edited March 22, 2019 by tsuki

[flowboy]

@Zigzag Idiot @tsuki I really appreciate your input and intend to respond later.

First, some observations this morning.

Now that I've been on dates with 4 girls, I get nervous about how and when to propose a next date. And what if they say no?
I know the answer to that: I get over it and meet new people. This is the flow of life.

So even though I feel more at ease now that I can meet and connect with girls when I want to, I'm still clinging to these particular ones. Not as tightly as if it would be a single person, but still. The feeling of abundance is increased, but not the deep abundance.

But I can't help to draw a parallel: I meet a few girls, now I'm scared to lose them. Rich people don't have peace, they worry about their money.

I have had an underlying assumption, pretty much all my life, that getting enough money and sex is working towards inner peace.

It made sense: my path isn't blocked by lack of anything, I don't have to work so I'm free. I don't have to worry about money because there is enough. I don't have to be harsh with myself to go meet girls because that part is so integrated that it happens by itself.

But what if that's wrong? Businesses take work to maintain, you can worry about those. Even plainly having a ton of cash is a huge responsibility: you have to worry about how your investments are doing, you have to make sure that you give enough to charity and that people are seeing that, because more eyes are on you. Most of your friends will be fake friends who hope to get stuff from you. This alone can drive people to suicide.

It's still worth doing, but it's not a way to end all worries. You're just worrying about different things.

Like RSDTyler likes to say: "Increase the QUALITY of your problems."

I'm seeing a couple different girls now. I mean, I don't know whether I'll see them again, and I worry about that I noticed this morning that I want to text them all and set a next date, so that I can feel safe. But I noticed that would be coming from the wrong place, so I didn't.
On top of that, I have more Tinder matches than I have attention or energy for. So I kind of gave up, and am seeing all these potential connections being ignored by me, and dying. This also bugs me.

Also in the words of RSDTyler: "Stop trying for completion. There is no completion. It will never come."

I'm paraphrasing.

But, it pans out so far. A few months ago I set out to change my habits and activities so that I would get closer to my goals. Work out, eat better, meditate regularly, get laid, make LP plans. I worked on all of those.

What did it bring me?

• Greater life satisfaction. I don't feel like I'm "wasting" my life anymore
• Better sense of self-worth. I like explaining my life to people, and don't feel inferior and envious opposite almost everyone, like before.
  And this is profound. For me. When getting to know people, but also with good friends, I remember always feeling like they have their shit together sooo much more than I do, I'm a mess. That's gone! I know what I'm doing and not doing, and it needs work but I feel valuable and together already.
• Decreased neurosis. The constant "I should eat better, dammit, I should get laid, damn it, I should ..." chatter is diminished.
• Greater confidence in my ability to achieve and push through. Because I fell out of the diet and got back up. Now, I fell out of meditation habit, and that makes me feel guilty still, but I'm certain that I'll pick it back up.
• I feel more comfortable in public places. I used to feel very self-conscious and projecting how people (strangers) see me. When I would overhear conversation, I would project whether I would be friends or foes with these people.
  There's a lot less of that. Sometimes I just automatically talk to a stranger. And after that it's easy to let go of that connection as well.

What did it not bring me?

• Inner peace. Nothing to worry about. The ability to have an empty mind most of the day.

I'm writing this because I'm feeling stressed about a lot of things, and I was hoping to get rid of that. I have to check my phone, answer my email, take care of my relationships, keep a calendar, et cetera et cetera.

Also, if I understand David Deida correctly, merging with the feminine is a temporary moment of bliss and emptiness, which the masculine is always seeking, after which he has his purpose to get back to. Giving his deepest gift. Always willing to fight for peace, emptiness, that he never gets to keep.

So if there's no end to the rat race, the stress, it becomes more important to be relaxed in it. Since the only way out is death or enlightenment, and both of those are probably far away, I might as well value inner calm over everything. Get some mindfulness into my day. Since that's all the peace I'm going to get. The peace in my daily life.

It's not going to happen when I reach the next level: when I get more money or sex. I will have to strive to live peacefully despite there always being things to worry about. At every level.

 

 

Got up at                           : 9:30
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 19
Total infield time                  : 12h10
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 69
    alcohol                         : 4
    caffeine except tea             : 6
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 17
    sugar                           : 7
    dairy                           : 23
    peak orgasm                     : 5
    porn                            : 26

 

Edited March 22, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

17 hours ago, tsuki said:

When it comes to vulnerability with women, I think that it's easily misunderstood, because before we get comfortable around them, we tend to rationalize our meekness with this good guy persona/caricature. It is often held in place via thoughts of being special and emotional (vulnerable).

@tsuki This made me think. What do I actually mean when I say vulnerable? I'm aware of the Nice Guy trap, and there is work to be done there but I don't recognize myself in these sentences, luckily.

With vulnerable I did not mean nice, or meek, or good. I meant being radically open with what's going on inside. Taking the risk of being judged for it or anything else that comes of being radically open, and trusting that that's good. Sharing that I'm nervous, even though there's a fear it could turn her off. Versus trying to manipulate the situation by pretending that I'm not nervous, or avoiding the subject out of fear.

[tsuki]

22 minutes ago, flowboy said:

With vulnerable I did not mean nice, or meek, or good. I meant being radically open with what's going on inside. Taking the risk of being judged for it or anything else that comes of being radically open, and trusting that that's good. Sharing that I'm nervous, even though there's a fear it could turn her off. Versus trying to manipulate the situation by pretending that I'm not nervous, or avoiding the subject out of fear.

@flowboy That sounds like authentic vulnerability.

It communicates that you're not uncomfortable with the fact that you are uncomfortable. Notice that nice guys are uncomfortable with the fact that they are uncomfortable, so they hide behind the Nice Guy persona.
The macho man communicates: hurt me, and I will end you.
The vulnerable man communicates: hurt me, and I will enjoy it.

The first one makes the inner animal tense, alert. The second one gives space for mistakes without sounding meek.
Notice, that if you truly enjoy the so-called negative feelings, you're much stronger than a man that constructs an image tailored to avoid them.
Of course, that doesn't mean that you seek them deliberately (that would be spiritual practice or stupidity), but you're simply at ease with whatever happens. it seems to coincide with your recent insights about women and money.

I don't know the general population of women well enough to say that it's a good gaming strategy. I'd expect that women that are conditioned to seek macho men would dismiss vulnerability. I'm not sure whether I would like to be in a relationship with a woman like that though (not judging here).

Generally, I think that radical honesty is the way to go in relationships because it attracts people to your true nature that is projected effortlessly.

Edited March 22, 2019 by tsuki

[flowboy]

8 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

They left out Fonzie, when they listed the cool guys, though..

HAHAHAHA

@tsuki I liked the How to be A Man video. During the cool part, I felt my heart area contract and a very cramped motivation to be even more like that. During the warm part, I felt an emotional rush and almost got teary eyed, it made me think of so many older, wiser, forgiving, humble characters I've known...

I don't like that they made it ideological, but I get that these videos are for people looking for guidance.

I'm not convinced that the coolness and the warmth are mutually exclusive. I don't feel like I'm somewhere in between, rather I'm both. I think that I was raised to be warm, have gotten rid of some shadow and faced some authentic desires, got rid of some neuroses, and that process also made me cooler in some aspects. For example, I nowadays state my opinion without disclaimer that it's my opinion. I don't apologize in ways I don't mean. I don't pretend to agree. I don't pretend to give a fuck when I don't (about politics for example). I don't play it cool when I'm really going to miss someone, for example. I express that.

Somehow the ideology of the warm man seems equally harmful to me. I'm biased because my parents wanted me to be warm and sensitive and I was forbidden from anything that could be perceived as overly masculine or macho. That's been a whole thing, uncovering that

But this created a shadow where I wanted to express myself in a masculine way but it was almost impossible and seemed fake, something from deep inside was blocking me.

[flowboy]

@tsuki Writing this and reflecting on this has made me feel quite grateful and happy, thank you! I have a driving lesson, will respond later to your recent message

[Zigzag Idiot]

57 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I think that I was raised to be warm, have gotten rid of some shadow and faced some authentic desires, got rid of some neuroses, and that process also made me cooler in some aspects. For example, I nowadays state my opinion without disclaimer that it's my opinion. I don't apologize in ways I don't mean. I don't pretend to agree.

Phony amiability is a part of my shadow and chief feature that I'm trying to work on. I often abandon my inner truth just to get along sometimes.

[zambize]

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

For example, I nowadays state my opinion without disclaimer that it's my opinion. I don't apologize in ways I don't mean. I don't pretend to agree. I don't pretend to give a fuck when I don't (about politics for example). I don't play it cool when I'm really going to miss someone, for example. I express that.

 

I would much rather be around flowboy nowadays, and I assume that has done you some good as well.  Also that whole post was pretty on point 

[flowboy]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

I don't know the general population of women well enough to say that it's a good gaming strategy. I'd expect that women that are conditioned to seek macho men would dismiss vulnerability. I'm not sure whether I would like to be in a relationship with a woman like that though (not judging here).

Yeah, hmm, it's not really a strategy, more like a principle that feels good to me. But I'm not too worried about the consequences. In fact I feel inspired to let go even more, and think even less about strategy.

I mean the whole point of practicing pickup is that I remove the barriers between strangers and my authentic expression, and meeting people becomes all effortless and intuition-based with zero thinking. Ideally, I would like it to feel so flowing and like it happens by itself, that I'm not even sure who's initiating anything, if anyone.

I strive to train my intuition by doing whatever comes to mind, without overthinking. If it's wrong, whatever comes to mind next time will be closer to the mark. I feel like it's harder to learn from a decision that I made after a long overthinking session. Definitely causes more noise and artefacts like weird inaccurate projections that get saved as hypothetical half-memories and possibly turn into little fearful considerations that slow you down even more next time.

Basically inspired by what Alan Watts said about learning to trust your brain.

[tsuki]

@flowboy Yeah, I know now that I got attracted to this journal because of my own issues.
Thanks for an opportunity to confirm it.

 

 

[tsuki]

24 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I strive to train my intuition by doing whatever comes to mind, without overthinking. If it's wrong, whatever comes to mind next time will be closer to the mark. I feel like it's harder to learn from a decision that I made after a long overthinking session. Definitely causes more noise and artefacts like weird inaccurate projections that get saved as hypothetical half-memories and possibly turn into little fearful considerations that slow you down even more next time.

@flowboy Is thinking in opposition to intuition? Did you plan your thoughts, or do they arise spontaneously?

(I'm picking on you, aren't I? )