Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Sweet Abundance

Have to work, story soon...

[flowboy]

@LoveandPurpose Thank you so much for reading, and expressing your kind words! This is the kind of thing that helps me keep going

On 3/7/2019 at 5:40 PM, LoveandPurpose said:

Not becoming too neurotic and not becoming too lazy. Do you have any advice on that?

So I haven't completely figured it out yet, but this is what I've been doing so far:

• Write down all habits I would have if I completely had my shit together. What is needed to feel great about myself. Make them specific
• Try to implement all of them at once, or however much I think is realistically possible
• Tire myself out and maybe have some ego backlash. Stay mindful, stay engaged, and notice that the lowest point I backslide to is now higher
• Learn some lessons about what is and isn't possible. Tweak my plans for my 'ideal' lifestyle. Remove some stuff, add some stuff.
• Rinse, repeat.

If you're like me, you won't be motivated by just doing a single habit at a time. But you also don't want to crash and never get back up.

I had a fear of going too hard and losing motivation forever. That fear is gone now, after having some ego backlash phases and still being on my path.

This is how I am learning to trust my ability to change.

 

[flowboy]

Got up at                           : 10:30
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 18
Total infield time                  : 12 hours
Total meditation time               : 13h
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 59
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 7
    sugar                           : 6
    dairy                           : 13
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 1

 

I've been feeling guilty about not posting and putting it off. The reason is that so much happened last weekend that it seemed like such a task to write it all down. Basically, I discovered online dating, got laid a couple times, and now I am in danger of being addicted.

Many paradigms are shattering. If getting laid is easy, then how much importance should I give it? I have 4 dates scheduled for this week already. Is that too much? It probably is. I never saw it coming that I would have this problem

[LoveandPurpose]

@flowboy Thank you, I'll try this!

[flowboy]

@LoveandPurpose I forgot to mention that I forgot the one thing without which I wouldn't have gotten nearly as much momentum: keeping this journal. Something about writing down your process, comparing notes, knowing that others could read it, that's really powerful.

If you start one right now I'll follow it

[flowboy]

Got up at                           : 9:30
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 18
Total infield time                  : 12 hours
Total meditation time               : 13h
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 60
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 8
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 14
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 0

Goodbye, Coconut yoghurt

I discovered just now that you have dextrose.

Maybe on some level I've always known. But we both know, this is not what I want. It hasn't been for quite some time.

It's just best for both of us if I find a different brand, and you find someone else's blood sugar to spike.

 

Diet is going great overall. Except I've been drinking wine every day for the past week. And I started on coffee again.

Morning routine is not going great, I've failed to get up early enough for the past couple days, so I just did a quick prayer and left for work. This also had to do with having people sleep over. It disrupts my morning. Maybe I should stop being so soft and just make them go home.

I want consistency. I need to intervene here.

First, TV. That's the easiest. I'm cancelling my Netflix again and will stop watching youtube for entertainment. Starting today.

Then tomorrow I can quit coffee (too late for today)

Also the time tracking is not going super well: I only do it when I'm alone, and then I have a girl over and I forget about it until the next day. I'm not going to be hard on myself for that, adjusting to this is a process. I will just keep going until the habit is so strong that I also do it in company. Then I will have consistent data.

Edited March 13, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Today I quit coffee again, so I'm drinking my matcha. Feeling a healthy amount of resistance (really? I have to give it up?)

Woke up at a girl's place and still did my cold shower, yoga and meditation. I'm very proud of this, since my default used to be to after sex go out unshowered, find cigarettes and coffee as quickly as possible and basically be a slob the rest of the day.

Got up at                           : 9:30
Days in a row with morning routine  : 1
Number of women approached          : 18
Total infield time                  : 12 hours
Total meditation time               : 13h20
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 61
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 1
    grains                          : 9
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 15
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 0

 

Edited March 14, 2019 by flowboy
forgot to add meditation time of this morning

[LoveandPurpose]

@flowboy Hmm yeah i considered that. Will think about it

[flowboy]

So yesterday I woke up next to one girl, had sex with her, and that night slept with the other girl.

I am on peak orgasm again, so this is making me feel quite empty.

I'm painfully aware now that sex is not as big a deal as I thought it was. And how my unsatisfied cravings have festered and made it seem so all-important and worth striving for. I'm reading my vision statement, and half of it is about striving for abundance in sexual options, becoming better at picking up girls, living in a sex-positive commune even. All good things, but written from the perspective that having sex is a good way to spend almost all my time.

It's a classic case of the excessive fantasies that arise from a craving before it is satisfied.

• Hungry, at a buffet: I'm going to eat SO MUCH of EVERY kind of this food!
  A little later: nope, full.
• Horny, watching porn: This is so good, I'm going to fap 4 times to this!
  One fap later: nah, that's enough of that.
• Poor as a student: I want to strive all my life to be FILTHY RICH!!
• Me, until a few days ago: Sex is so awesome that I want to dedicate a huge chunk of time to meeting and fucking as many girls as I can!
  Two fucks later: hmm, cravings are gone, what else could I be doing?

These are my expectations:

After the initial excitement, I will feel exactly the same when there's 10 girls in my rotation instead of 2.

After the initial excitement, I will feel exactly the same when theres a million in my bank account instead of a thousand.

After the initial excitement, I will feel exactly the same when all my time is free time instead of only 70% of it.

 

I'm a pretty happy guy these days, and there is no 'extra' permanent happiness to be gained from achievements.

I don't want to become a pleasure rat, just putting his dick in and out warm holes because it's his only source of bliss.

 

Money and sex seem to be worth striving for having enough that the lack of it doesn't distract you from your purpose, and once you have that, it becomes an empty pursuit and it's best not to chase it further.

I'm thinking about bankers working themselves to death. About CEO's of huge enterprises that they built themselves, who continue to expand it even though they would be better served spending less time on it and more on being with their family, or spirituality / just being.

At some point people apparently forget that their pursuit started to fulfill a need, and now that the original need is gone they confuse their pursuit with meaning.

Get a bit of wealth? Great! Hmm, but now I feel the same. Get MORE wealth, that'll do it for me! Then I can feel like I am spending my time well, and basically only then can I have permission to feel good for eternity.

Studies have shown that regular cocaine users get their dopamine rush right before they snort it. In other words, the pleasure is in the anticipation, it's not even because of the drug anymore. Just like lifelong gamblers are addicted to anticipation.

It feels good the first couple times, and then you get addicted to the anticipation of how good you think you will feel. Which doesn't pan out. I expect you can addict yourself to making money like that.

Oh and I also noticed that fucking a hot girl is nowhere near as good as the anticipation of it. There are blissful moments, sure, but if I'm honest, I can feel just as good masturbating and fantasizing.

So how frequently do I want to have sex for it to be enough? No idea. Probably best to just get good at pickup, so I can go meet a woman whenever I feel that it's time. And then I don't have to worry about it anymore. The lack of pickup skills won't distract me anymore. That's valuable, I think.

 

I feel a desire to spend more time on concentration exercises and meditation.

Edited March 14, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Observation: the 'addicted' dopamine-depleted state that I'm in because of all the cumming, is apparently causing me to seek dopamine hits in the form of having discussions on this forum. I remember being in a state of acceptance when I'm reading a topic and someone's answer I don't agree with. I would just think: "I will say once what I think in case it is helpful, and then shut up"

Now, I just have to voice my opinion and keep arguing it. Because it's more exciting than reality apparently.

[ZenDancer]

Hi there @flowboy

I'm also working on quitting TV... it's turning out to be harder than I anticipated.... how's it going for you?

 

Lucas

[flowboy]

@ZenDancer  So I was doing pretty well with reading instead of TV, but then I went on a sort of hedonistic streak because of some dating related distractions.

This is my second day. I cancelled Netflix for the umpteenth time. I still watch youtube videos for the information, and for the music but no longer for entertainment.

When I'm at the gym and I see the TV screen, I look away. I don't have cable or own a TV. I periodically get sucked into a Netflix show, but recently I'm kind of seeing through that pattern in a way, getting kind of bored with artificial storylines distracting me from life.

My working theory is that if you make an effort to make your life interesting, TV is no longer desirable.

The hardest currently is what to do during meals.

[ZenDancer]

Hi there @flowboy

Thanks for the response. What you say really resonates with me, especially seeing through artificial storylines that distract from real life. i'm a work in progress, but I feel focused on this now... it's time for change! Hope all's well with you today

 

Lucas

[flowboy]

Alcohol is the explanation for these bags under my eyes, or why I only got up at 12:15 today, or why I feel less motivated to work out today.

I'm even in bed typing this.

I've been drinking several glasses of wine every day for over a week. Something is telling me I'm not getting the full benefits of a clean diet this way.

 

Interestingly, I did not wake up with any anxiety. Just apathy.

Today I give up drinking.

I rationalised it to myself by thinking that it would make my date feel awkward if I don't drink with her. Well guess what, she can drink tea with me! Most of the time wine was my idea anyway. Also I figured: no drinking during pickup, but I didn't say anything about during dates!

Well my thoughts aren't as clear thanks to this regimen. It needs to stop now.

Got up at                           : 12:15
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 18
Total infield time                  : 12 hours
Total meditation time               : 13h20
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 62
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 1
    TV                              : 2
    grains                          : 10
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 16
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 0

 

@ZenDancer Good luck, Lucas! Thank you for your thoughtful words. Do you have a journal here?

 

 

Edited March 15, 2019 by flowboy
Failed to do morning routine

[tsuki]

On 14.03.2019 at 5:59 PM, flowboy said:

After the initial excitement, I will feel exactly the same when there's 10 girls in my rotation instead of 2.
After the initial excitement, I will feel exactly the same when theres a million in my bank account instead of a thousand.
After the initial excitement, I will feel exactly the same when all my time is free time instead of only 70% of it.

Do you think that this knowledge can be made universal to stop needless cravings?
I realized this a long time ago, but it doesn't seem to stop the mind from returning to these thoughts from time to time.

Edited March 16, 2019 by tsuki

[flowboy]

@tsuki Interesting question. I don't know yet! I also have heard and believed this for quite some time already, but indeed that doesn't stop the mind from fantasizing and craving more, more more.

I guess it's one of those where you have to periodically remind yourself.

And direct experiences help.

"I wish that everybody could get rich and famous, so they can see that it is not the answer" - Jim Carrey

[flowboy]

Got up at                           : 13:00
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 18
Total infield time                  : 12 hours
Total meditation time               : 13h40
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 64
    alcohol                         : 1
    caffeine except tea             : 1
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 12
    sugar                           : 2
    dairy                           : 18
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 0

This is going to be an unstructured rant. I'm feeling extremely sleepy, excited, horny and unfocused. Last night the girl who I was so enthusiastic about three weeks ago came over again, and we had an amazing time. She's so spontaneous and I like her a lot. I just want to fuck her all night and feed her strawberries. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to hold conversation well, because of quitting caffeine that day, but that worry disappeared quickly when I felt how much energy I'm getting from talking to her! The green tea may have helped too.

I will quickly describe the state I'm in. My focus is completely shot. Has been all week. I compulsively check Tinder during everything I do. Even in the middle of thoughts. Or reading a book. Or working out. It's gotten really bad.

I've been with 3 amazing women this week. It's brought me a lot of bliss and contentment, but also cost me quite some sleep and health (drinking). And I'm still craving more, more, more!! Automatically, compulsively swiping girls on Tinder, getting their numbers, trying to set dates. For last night I even had a backup girl.

The only reason I have time to write this now is because my date for today cancelled. And I'm still so. Fucking. Horny. So one thing is clear: if my dick got its way, I would get nothing done at work, would get nothing done on my own projects, and would live in a constant daze of dating girl after girl. While my life falls apart. And I'm not even sure I would care.

Okay of course I care, but there's something about getting laid that really takes away a lot of motivation for other things. Like your lizard brain is saying: "keep doing what you're doing, bro! Don't change a thing!"

I need to become the master of my own dick.

It occurred to me that dating women has simply replaced watching TV series as a pleasurable distraction that I can lose myself in endlessly to get away from my responsibilities and grown up plans and life purpose. I found a new addiction.

Okay and I think it's a lot better than being a TV addict. But it's still addiction. I value the richness and color it brings to my life. But it doesn't bring me much else. On the contrary,

• It takes away motivation to change
• It costs me a lot of time
• It costs me a lot of focus (addicted to phone)
• It costs me a lot of sleep
• It makes me feel so good that I don't even care if I would smoke or drink.

So, in conclusion, It feels like a good idea to spend a lot of time being a manwhore, but my feelings are wrong.

More things are falling apart. I did go to the gym 3 times this weekend, but halfheartedly and I skipped a lot of exercises. I am trying out high intensity training as a timesaver, but I freakin' hate it. Probably won't keep that.

Haven't done two days with morning routine in a row in a while. This is quite terrible. I would feel bad and guilty about it but my brain is being hijacked by evolution.

I'll drag myself out of this hedonistic stupor guys. Gimme a sec.

Edited March 17, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Good morning journal!

What went well today:

• I automatically grabbed my phone in bed but then decided to NOT respond to messages until after meditation
• Today is day 3 of not drinking coffee (except decaf)

I'm feeling still quite lazy and low-energy. I blame lack of sleep and the fact that I've been cumming left and right.

But, I'm taking action on the sleep issues by quitting alcohol and caffeine again. After a week of that I intend to start a new no peak orgasm streak.

I'm separating porn and peak orgasm again, because I actually haven't watched porn in more than three weeks (I just counted by reading back) and this is not hard for me. But still an accomplishment.

What's hard is to retain semen. Especially with a new girl. I just get too excited. But a part of this is discipline.

Got up at                           : 8:15
Days in a row with morning routine  : 1
Number of women approached          : 18
Total infield time                  : 12 hours
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 65
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 2
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 13
    sugar                           : 3
    dairy                           : 19
    peak orgasm                     : 1
    porn                            : 22

 

Edited March 18, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Woke up with a headache, clumsiness and severe irritability. Day 4 of no coffee, hurray. This shit ain't no soft drug.

I planned to get up at 6. I keep failing, though. Why? Because I keep forgetting in the evenings, that that means I have to be going to bed at 21:30.

I'm stuck and it's time to make a decision. Am I serious about this ambition to do an hour of meditation in the morning? Or am I just dabbling, playing around?

If I'm serious, that means I have to stop trying to prove to myself that I'm a fun sociable person by hanging out with people way too late during weekdays. It means I have to go home at 9 wherever I am. Or, if I'm staying over somewhere, apply the same rule. I'm going to bed at nine thirty and setting an alarm at 6. I don't care if whoever I'm staying with thinks that's early.

I have a habit of not caring what time it is when I'm with people. Have a girl over? Screw it, to hell with sleep, let's just stay up until 4am.

I must be willing to miss an opportunity to get laid, because I care about my sleep and my meditation habit.

I don't know if I'm strong enough for that, but I'm going to try. David Deida would approve.

Then how do I go out and practice pickup? During weekdays, only for an hour max, I guess.

I could skip dinner...

 

Got up at                           : 8:45
Days in a row with morning routine  : 1
Number of women approached          : 19
Total infield time                  : 12 hours
Total meditation time               : 13h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 66
    alcohol                         : 1
    caffeine except tea             : 3
    TV                              : 1
    grains                          : 14
    sugar                           : 4
    dairy                           : 20
    peak orgasm                     : 2
    porn                            : 23

 

Edited March 19, 2019 by flowboy
add approach :)

[flowboy]

Just got some helpful advice on this forum related to scheduling my activities, thank you @SFRL and @JohnnyBravo

This will take some days for me to work out and implement.

Even though the side of my head is pounding from caffeine withdrawal, and my vision is even affected, I'm starting to feel more like myself. That sense of calm, that you really can't get with coffee, is coming back.