Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Woke up with sadness, 'ugh' feeling, my thoughts are trying to make me believe that I'm a lonely loser and my life is empty. Luckily, I know better I just can't see it so clearly now because my thoughts are a jumbled mess. Getting through meditation and affirmations was straight up hard.

It occurred to me (again) that I'm suffering daily by browbeating myself about the fact that I don't go out enough. Feel horny? Damn it, I should go out more. See a hot girl? I should have gone out more, so talking to her would not be as scary. See a picture of a hot girl on someone's vision board? Damn it, why don't I go out more.

This is not a new thing. Ever since I learned about pickup 6 years ago I have been neurotically feeling guilty about not doing it. Probably several times an hour. For six years. Here's a crazy idea: maybe if I went out more, even without expecting to like it, I could stop this crazy self-flagellation!

So that's what I'm going to do. Build a go-out-and-socialize habit. I won't call it pickup yet. I won't expect myself to approach yet. Or to like it. Just take action and show up. If I can hit the gym 3 times a week, I can go out to bars or clubs 3 times a week. I'm picking Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. That means I start today.

Rules:

• Sober
• I don't have to like it.
• I don't have to approach
• but I spend at least 30 minutes

I'm setting the bar very low here because when I go out alone it feels like I'm dragging a child kicking and screaming. This resistance can fuck with me so much that I don't know what to say to people and I've even gotten dizzy from anxiety at times. So I'm not going to drag the kicking, screaming and crying child to a bar and then tell it in a stern voice: "And now, you must HAVE FUN! Laugh, enjoy and be social, darn it!" No. That shit will come LATER. I will just take this basic step, until my inner child starts asking: "Daddy, when are we going to the clubs again?"

So this is just about ingraining the habit. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, I'm out by myself. When this becomes normal, I'm golden.

 

Got up at                           : 8:45
Days in a row with morning routine  : 3
Number of women approached          : 9
Total infield time                  : 5 hours
Total meditation time               : 11h10
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 48
    alcohol                         : 2
    caffeine except tea             : 2
    TV                              : 2
    grains                          : 2
    sugar                           : 2
    dairy                           : 2
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 2

 

Edited March 1, 2019 by flowboy
expanded on simile

[flowboy]

I just did a thought experiment: since working out regularly is so easy for me, and going out regularly seems like this insurmountable challenge, what if things were reversed? What if I pined to be a fit guy, and every time I would see an even slightly muscular guy, I would feel this guilt? What would it be like if I wanted so badly to be comfortable and at ease with my level of fitness, but just couldn't seem to get there? I would dream of a reality where working out was addictive and easy, for sure.

Then it dawns on me: this used to be me a few years ago. I used to feel pain, guilt and insecurity looking at muscular gym people. Dreaming of a reality where I was fit enough that I was happy about it, and maintaining it was effortless.

I have been manifesting this change in me, and now that I've succeeded, I have forgotten where I came from.

If I can do this once, I can do it again. Even though it seems impossible now, so did working out regularly. I'm excited to find out how addictive going out and socializing can be. I hope to get to a level where it becomes hard not to do it.

[flowboy]

Timelogging results

I finally got around to cleaning up the data from the time tracking that I've been doing:

 

Clearly, I'm finding it hard to track time accurately. Nevertheless, there are some facts here that draw my attention:

• Morning routine takes time, but not as much as I thought. I had estimated 3.5 hours a day, while in reality it's been about 2h15m on average.
• Going to gym and back, and having a snack after: 2h30 on average. Exactly what I estimated
• Having to study my lines for acting class involved two sessions of an alarming 6 hours each. Most of which was procrastination, because I was dead tired. I could have been reading or sleeping.
• I spent 2 hours in a week on my business plan. I was hoping for 5.
• I'm much more social than I think. For the past 3 weekends I've had someone stay over. Which occupies about 14 hours a week of my normal waking time. I had estimated 4 hours a week of 'friend time'.
• I'm not texting as much as I think. Typing on whatsapp I always feel like I'm wasting a huge amount of time, but it amounts to only 1 hour a week.
• Reading 2 hours a week, although nice, is not going to cut it. I was hoping for 8, and willing to accept 3.5.

Going out

My plans changed yesterday because a friend came over and we ended up doing a small dose of psilocybin together. We're planning a bigger trip and the purpose of this evening was to introduce her to it. Some good points:

- I was tempted to drink wine with her but I changed my mind.

- I went over my limit and had a peak orgasm unfortunately, but I did pull out and save some energy. And this time I didn't go: "fuck it, might as well fap all day now". I realised what is important to me. Feeling energetic and powerful all day is more important to me than the few minutes of transient pleasure from jacking off.

- She left bread and it looks delicious, but I'm not eating it.

So, I will instead make a commitment to go out tonight for a bit. If anything interesting happens, I'll post it here.

Edit: Oh god. I don't wanna

 

Edited March 2, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Night out report

Oh you want my number? Sure, but I'm dating two guys already, so I want to see how that works out first.

> Er... so I'm third in line?

I drag myself to the bar where I was invited to celebrate someone's graduation. It goes against every fiber in my body.

While parking my bike in the city, anxiety builds. I don't wanna be here. I promise myself that walking in and quickly congratulating the particular girl is enough. I don't have to stay for 30 minutes this time yet.

I'm trying to find this bar but I don't see it. I'm just outside strolling along, feeling super awkward. I want to look it up on my phone, but convince myself that this is an opportunity to warm up and ask someone. I walk up to the girls sitting outside and ask them about this bar. My voice sounds very constricted and closed off because of the fear. They look at me weird and say they don't know. Advise me to look it up on my phone. I don't know what to say anymore and mumble something. I find it awkward to stand there and look it up, so I walk off.

By this time I'm aware that no matter what I do, I'm going to feel disproportionately awkward. That's just what's in the cards for me tonight. Nightlife locations evoke fear in me, especially sober.

I enter the bar. Oh god, please can I leave. Not tonight, please. People are looking at me.

I find the graduate girl. She's happy to see me but doesn't talk to me for long, because she's busy talking to everyone of her friends and family.

I find out that I'm in a separated section of the bar, and it's all friends of hers, whom I don't know, and her family. And me. This I did not expect.

Awkwardly, I start chatting up her guy friends. I'm literally twitching from anxiety. I want to leave so bad. Just one conversation. They offer me a beer. I choose sparkling water Now I have to drink it first before I can leave.

Then it dawns on me that there are EXCEPTIONALLY pretty girls here. And they are open and their shields are down because they assume that I'm a friend. This must be exploited.

One girl named A has pretty eyes, a bubbly personality and smiles a lot. She responds well to me and I begin to speak more loudly and comfortably at her. It still feels like I have nothing to say, because all I'm thinking is I wanna go home. But at least I can find some words that vaguely make sense and stammer them at her in a loud voice and with eye contact.

Here's where I get a bold streak and try to move her. I propose to sit down on the bench. I'm still permission seeking, asking if she's okay with it instead of leading strongly. But she follows me.

And suddenly I'm sitting right next to the prettiest girl at the party. I had spotted her. She's the reason I stayed. We start to chat and soon A excuses herself and leaves. It's just me and M, connecting over music, introvertedness, other interests. She turns out to be an intelligent, thoughtful person. And stunningly beautiful. I now wish we could be anonymous and not in a GIANT ROOM FULL OF HER FRIENDS. Think of the social pressure on her.

I start to worry about my posture, sitting on the bench. Am I taking up enough space? Should I put my arm behind her? Is it obvious that I'm scared to touch her?

We have a good time and she excuses herself to the bathroom and asks me to watch her purse for her! I know this is a trap but I don't have a good response, and just mumble something hesitantly. In that moment, I would have jumped at the opportunity to sit there with her purse, and wait for her like a dog. Lucky for me, she decides that she doesn't want to pin me down. Thanks, M!

Before she leaves, I make the rookie mistake of offering to get her a drink in the meantime. So I'm pinned anyway I think I did that because I wanted to be sure she'd come back. Oh my.

I want to sit there, happy with how far I've come chatting to this hottie, but I know that I have to be talking to someone when she comes back. I feel more confident now and start blabbering some bullshit to a girl at the bar. (Actually I start telling a story and explaining that I like Jewish women for their sense of humor, and then question her about her ethnicity, wtf lol) She's pretty and responds well. Meanwhile I'm just waiting for M to come back.

She comes back, but, seeing that I'm occupied, starts chatting to another friend. I have to awkwardly hand her the beer and she doesn't come back to me. Fail.

I bounce around from friend to friend for a long time. Feeling like an exhausted dancing monkey. Tired of shouting over the music. Even though by this point I'm not at all afraid to engage people, I still can't think of things to say. It's like I'm too tired to focus on the people in front of me. I get more and more stuck in my head. Long, awkward periods of standing in a group saying nothing ensue. Even some periods of standing alone, saying nothing. I know I'm losing social value. I have to move.

A bit later, after considering leaving again, I engage M again. She seems less interested than before (because I stood around awkwardly? Or she's just tired?) but I decide to go for broke and number close her. All I can think of is: "Hey, I think I would like to see you again." (challenging eye contact)

She hesitantly proposes to give me her phone number, and I save it, but then she throws me this one:

"When it comes to dating, that's difficult right now because I'm seeing two people, one of them pretty seriously." This throws me off and I lose the tiny bit of swagger I had left. I can feel myself start to blush, and my brain turn to sludge. What...to say to this?

In hindsight, she was just being honest. I tried to make a joke about 'taking a number' like in a line. It didn't land.

I try to backpaddle and put the dating suggestion on her, say she's moving too fast for me. It was badly executed and probably the wrong move anyway, since I went pretty direct on my proposal. Which she understood. At least she understood my intention there and didn't assume I wanted to make friends. That's nice at least. Shouldn't have tried to backpaddle, rather doubled down on the directness maybe.

Never talk about the pickup during the pickup. We end up in a painfully awkward discussion about asking people out, openers, ways for a girl to politely reject. I attempt to compliment her on her honesty, which doesn't help. I'm sinking deeper and deeper and nothing's working.

Finally I manage to change the subject and talk about some other stuff with her. She doesn't leave at least. But, I still feel "injured" from the awkwardness.

 

On the way back, on my bike, I have to talk to myself out loud like a crazy person, to calm myself down. So much tension and shame I have built up in these 4 hours.

But I'm also proud. I know that there have to be many painful nights on this journey, and tonight I took action

 

Got up at                           : 11:00
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 14
Total infield time                  : 9 hours
Total meditation time               : 11h10
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 49
    alcohol                         : 3
    caffeine except tea             : 3
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 3
    sugar                           : 3
    dairy                           : 3
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 0

 

Edited March 3, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I looked at the data from the time tracking app and made an estimate for how my goals could fit in my week.

This is still very tight. I tried to cut where it hurts but I'm still doing too much, I know that. Baby steps.

I will measure again, for a month. Starting tomorrow, the 4th of March. After that I will have more accurate data and can revisit this.

I will evaluate March 31st.

Until then, I will use this as a guideline to schedule my ordinary weeks.

Also, I remembered a girl I approached a week ago but haven't counted yet, so I'm upping my score

Got up at                           : 11:00
Days in a row with morning routine  : 1
Number of women approached          : 15
Total infield time                  : 9h20
Total meditation time               : 11h20
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 50
    alcohol                         : 4
    caffeine except tea             : 4
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 4
    sugar                           : 4
    dairy                           : 4
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 0

 

Edited March 3, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Fire alarm broke my night and I ended up oversleeping terribly.

Having the worst brain fog this morning. It gives me the usual guilty feeling of sitting at work barely producing anything.

Possible culprits:

• I may have eaten rancid fat
• I ate the (only available) store-bought coconut yoghurt with the additives. But I wanted to treat myself. Feel pretty bloated too
• I had to skip my yoga and meditation this morning because of excessive tardiness
• Oversleeping makes me feel unawake

I don't know which one it is ?‍♂️ It certainly is frustrating though. I slept more than enough. I've done my best to eat clean and get back into keto. Even I skipped the one piece of raisin bread that was right under my nose and I have been craving all weekend, and gave it away.

I feel I deserve a working brain?

Edit: But I woke up without any anxiety, and pretty excited even! So that's something? I attribute this to the work I did yesterday on my scheduling. Feel a bit more in control.

Edit: screw it, I'm having coffee today. I need to work and I have a driving lesson that I need to be awake for.

Also I have to reset the days without grains because with my brain fog this morning I thought alcohol free beer would be a good drink on a gluten free wheat free keto diet?

Got up at                           : 10:00
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 15
Total infield time                  : 9h20
Total meditation time               : 11h25
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 51
    alcohol                         : 5
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 0
    sugar                           : 5
    dairy                           : 5
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 1

 

Edited March 4, 2019 by flowboy

[How to be wise]

@flowboy do you actually meditate 3 hrs per day. Amazing!

[flowboy]

@How to be wise Fuck no, I wish! The routine is currently:

• Shower, cold if I'm brave
• Make bed
• Pray
• Yoga
• Concentration
• Anywhere between 5 and 30 minutes of meditation
• Look at vision document while eating breakfast
• Write affirmations
• Visualisation of part of vision
• Schedule day

I want to meditate longer but it's been challenging enough finishing this sequence before I have to leave for work

[How to be wise]

@flowboy you pray? Why?

also, if you don’t mind me asking, what job do you work as, and how many hours per day? How many days a week?

[flowboy]

@How to be wise Prayer helps with:

• Maintaining a state of gratitude, humility and awe
• Listening to intuition
• Reminder of nondoership and to trust
• Making the day flow easier
• Getting into a flow state when speaking in front of people

I work 4 days of 8 hours a week as a software engineer.

[flowboy]

I'm tired and feel sick to my stomach because I drank three glasses of wine yesterday. I felt I had to, to compensate for the jitteriness of the caffeine, and not lie awake all night. Not a healthy pattern.

But hey, at least I got up at 6:25

Got up at                           : 6:25
Days in a row with morning routine  : 1
Number of women approached          : 15
Total infield time                  : 9h20
Total meditation time               : 11h45
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 52
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 0
    sugar                           : 6
    dairy                           : 6
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 2

It's kinda depressing resetting these counters all the time for small mistakes. But if I don't, where does it end? I do want them to mean something.

Still, I'm doing quite well on most diet goals. For most of 2019, I have successfully avoided wheat bread, sugar and dairy. And smoking. I will remind myself of this, the fact that the bigger picture vision of my diet habits is being realised. To offset all these zeroes

Edited March 5, 2019 by flowboy

[How to be wise]

@flowboy do you earn enough to live by yourself, or do you receive financial support from your parents.

[flowboy]

@How to be wise  I've been blessed to be earning enough to live by myself and even buy the healthy food

[How to be wise]

@flowboy what kind of qualifications/skills do you need to be a software engineer?

[flowboy]

@How to be wise Being able to program really well is enough to get a job. Some employers require university education.

[ZenDancer]

Hi there flowboy,

i've just signed up to the forum, and was reading through your journal. I wanted to say well done on your hard work and perseverance. I'm a few years older than you, and I know that it can be difficult sometimes... there's only so far sheer will can take us, and sometimes we have to wait for our efforts to be aided by a bit of grace before we see big changes... that's not so say self-discipline and effort aren't important - they're fundamental. I'm really impressed with how you pushing yourself to be better... it will pay off! keep up the good work brother!

hugs,

Lucas

[flowboy]

@ZenDancer  Hey there Lucas, Thank you so much for sharing that! It means a lot to me. And it keeps me motivated to hear such things.

[flowboy]

> I think we should hang out. I'll make you a deal. I will shower. And then we can hang out. (Friend nods approvingly)

I pull out my phone and make a new contact and give it to her.

"This is where I say that, like, I have a boyfriend..?" (softly and averted eyes)

> That's okay, I'm a lesbian. We'll be best buds. We'll gossip about your friend. *saves number*

I was smooth as FUCK tonight. This was a hot girl, too, like a legitimate stunner. I don't have particularly high hopes for that going anywhere, but it doesn't even matter: I just feel blessed to experience a night where I'm just ON: girls love me, I'm fearless, guys love me and approve of me dating their friend, I'm making friends, everything. Just ON. Wow.

Need to sleep now, will expand on this later.

[flowboy]

I'm back in ketosis

I can tell because the brain fog cleared up, my breath is bad and I seem to have unlimited energy even when I'm exhausted and should go to sleep.

I am letting the dating game distract me too much

I consider this a similar trap to letting your girlfriend convince you to spend less time on your LP. The feminine energy is trying succesfully to lure me off my purpose.

I went on Tinder and suddenly I have two dates lined up already. This got me addicted super quickly. This morning I skipped my morning routine and instead spent two hours swiping women on my phone. Still in bed. It's awful, I know.

This is not how I want to live.

I think dating cool people is a good addition to my life and I value it. If I don't spend any time on dating, I get neurotic, guilty feelings and start to feel like I'm not living my life right.

However it was not my intention to then be neurotically checking and swiping on my phone all the time. That's just as much of a distraction from self-actualization as the lack of sex is.

One good thing is that I'm going for the really hot girls now. Where I used to avoid connecting to super attractive people, because that seems more intimidating, I'm now shifting to the mindset that my time is my most valuable commodity, so if I'm going to spend some of it on dating someone, I better be really attracted to them. And also I'm shifting from feeling like I'm pretending to be an attractive man, to actually knowing that I am. I feel like a man, not like a boy. And I'm feeling secure about how I'm living my life.

I also noticed yesterday and the day before that I can be very calm. A grounding energy. I notice this especially around nervous people. It seems that other people's nervousness and mindfuckery shifts me into calm, grounding presence so I can transmit it to them. Hmm.

It's like I'm shedding the skin of a hyperactive boy, and making room for a calm masculine unwavering presence. Feels good I must say.

Also during the socializing yesterday, and afterwards (still processing this), I became very aware of how simple it actually is to be your attractive self around people. It's not the shit you say but the place it's coming from. Just maintain some awareness on from what place you're speaking (trying for something? Or just happily sharing?), and you can let go of what it is you're saying. And trust that even if you offend, you can recover from anything. And if not, then that's how it was supposed to be after all. It's very freeing.

I will trust that I will find a balance. I don't know how yet, and that's okay.

But one thing is certain: I must not check my messages or any apps before finishing my morning routine. This is where a mechanical alarm clock would really help.

Got up at                           : 9:45
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 18
Total infield time                  : 12 hours
Total meditation time               : 11h55
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0 
Currently reading                   : Stealing Fire - Steven Kotler et. al.

Days without 
    smoking                         : 54
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 2
    sugar                           : 1
    dairy                           : 8
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 4

I reset sugar because the day before yesterday I put ketchup in my salad. Am I being too strict here? Hmm, it feels more like I enjoy teaching myself to be super vigilant about ingredients. I don't need to have a super long streak to feel good about myself. I value self-honesty.

Edited March 7, 2019 by flowboy

[LoveandPurpose]

Hey @flowboy I just scrolled through your journal for a bit and I really feel you, especially your words at the start. I struggle with finding a balance between changing myself and accepting myself. Not becoming too neurotic and not becoming too lazy. Do you have any advice on that?

You really inspired me with all that you're doing! You're having an impact, not only on your life. Thank you!