Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

I'm starting to feel a bit strung out. I looked over my food journal where I've been writing down what I eat and how I'm feeling. It says 'underslept', 'hungry and excited but I need sleep', 'underslept and headache', 'seriously need sleep' all week.

It's the new diet and all the green tea I think. Feels like I'm speeding. Even when I'm super tired, it happens that half an hour later I'm just over it and a new rush of energy is coming, and I am talking people's ears off. Hard to fall asleep in that mode.

Until today. Today I can't bring myself to do almost anything. I took a nap that was hard to come back from. Still I promised myself to pack my suitcase today.

It will be interesting to see how I manage to do my meditation, visualisation, affirmations and yoga during a group vacation abroad. Probably I won't update this thread but I will bring a physical journal to collect meditation times and findings in until I'm back.

Got up at                           : 9:30

Number of women approached          : 1
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 5h20
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 21
    alcohol                         : 21
    caffeine except tea             : 21
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 20
    sugar                           : 8
    dairy                           : 20
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 34

 

[flowboy]

Again again I must learn this lesson: there is no such thing as catching up. And even if there were, it's usually not worth it.

Different examples of this are:

• Morning routine. I'm learning it has to be the first thing you do, even before looking at your phone. The past week I've had many days where I didn't plan for it and had early morning plans, and then postponed it to later in the day. Which led to skipping. Also, doing your morning ritual in the late afternoon just makes way less sense.
• My food journal. It's missing 10 days, during which I strayed here and there. The obsessive-compulsive part of me wants to remember all my meals for the past week and write them all down, just to have the list complete. That could take me half a day.
  The goal of the food journal is not to have a complete history, but to put awareness on what I'm putting in my body, at the moment that I'm doing it.

I was lucky to be on vacation with a woman in the group who's very conscious about food and also on a very specific diet. That made it easier to stick to it. 

There was a moment where I ordered a salad that had goat cheese. I possess the few words in Spanish to order it without the cheese. I didn't want to. When I eat out, I want to enjoy it. Also, it's not like I'm allergic to dairy. I just vaguely believe it's not healthy / may cause osteoporosis or dementia.

That was the same day that I decided to have a coffee, and later in the evening to have a glass of wine. The theme of the day was not wanting to miss out, and rebelling against my own rules. It's fine. I was on vacation.

Got up at                           : 6:20

Number of women approached          : 2
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 7h30
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 30
    alcohol                         : 2
    caffeine except tea             : 2
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 29
    sugar                           : 17
    dairy                           : 5
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 43

30 days without smoking! Yay me!

[flowboy]

I got up early, which is why I'm feeling sleep deprived today. It causes me to have cravings. I want coffee. I want carbs. Sugar. Anything. I wonder whether I'm being too strict on myself. But I know that's just the cravings undermining me through sneaky thoughts. Giving in to cravings causes cravings. I drank beer so now I want it again.

But, I didn't have coffee yet. Even though it's right under my nose!

And I'm taking care of my sleep: I started reading before bed, instead of watching stuff on a screen while falling asleep. Reading is another one of my goals!

I'm thinking, today can be my first TV free day! That to me means no video watching, unless I'm learning from it and doing a chore meanwhile. So lectures, seminars, podcasts and the like are okay to have on while washing dishes, but if I want to be entertained while eating, I pick up a book. Let's see how this goes

Edited February 11, 2019 by flowboy
added TV thing

[flowboy]

Time Pressure

All this goal setting has made me painfully aware how short life is, how quickly years go by, and how many of them I've already spent. This thought is present with me every day now, putting every boring useless thing I do into perspective. It's uncomfortable at the moment, but probably in the future it will help me to be more aggressive in cutting bullshit out of my life, throwing stuff out I never use, quitting jobs I don't like, refusing obligations that don't bring me joy. Thinking how short life is used to depress me and send me into a panic. Now that I'm actually getting some momentum, that same thought doesn't bring panic, but clarity. And some stress, still.

Also, looking at my hours per week per goal calculation, it's becoming clear to me that I'm spreading myself too thin. Even if I could spend every minute efficiently, I'd still end up with mediocre results.

Timeboxing

I do intend to have a good plan for spending a certain number of hours on goals, and clearing time blocks for them in advance. I will have to make some hard choices regarding where I want to actually make significant progress. Because it can't be everything.

Right now, I feel like the business plan is more urgent than pickup. So I would feel good about spending only one night a week on pickup, and two days on the business plan. If that's all I can do.

Timelogging

The food journal did wonders for me by putting awareness on what I eat, and transforming behaviour that way. It worked heaps better than planning what to eat. So, I'm going to apply the same strategy to how I spend my time: Before I get all obsessive-compulsive about the perfect time distribution, I shall take the bottom up approach and use an app to track where my time actually goes.

To make room for that extra stress, I shall let go of the food journal for now. It served its purpose.

[flowboy]

Really didn't feel like it, but I got up at 7:45 today! On my own (yesterday I had my parents' help), and without any imminent dangers pressuring me to do so. Clearly the reading before bed is helping (instead of TV).

Meditated 20 mins. I feel enthusiastic about this timelogging thing, eager to find out where my time goes. So far it's pretty easy to keep up, but it has only been a day.

Got up at                           : 7:45

Number of women approached          : 2
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 7h50
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 31
    alcohol                         : 3
    caffeine except tea             : 3
    TV                              : 1
    grains                          : 30
    sugar                           : 18
    dairy                           : 6
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 44

 

[flowboy]

A month ago, it was normal for me to spend most of my time at work in distraction. Forgetting what I'm doing all the time, trying not to fall asleep. The only thing that helped a little bit was using a Pomodoro app.

Unless I used prescription meds or an unholy amount of coffee.

And that was on a good day. On a bad (underslept) day, forget about it. I'd drink coffee until 4 pm until I was so cranked up I had to work until 8.

Today, even though I feel underslept, everything flows easily. My logical mind works excellently. My work flows, I have to remind myself to take a break.

Clean eating is powerful

[flowboy]

Yesterday I tried to take a nap. It was impossible. My body is tense, my heart is beating too fast. When trying to go to sleep, same problem. Do I have to give up green tea as well? I hope not. But I might try it. I really hate feeling sleep deprived all the time.

Woke up at 7:45 but stayed in bed for another hour because I was feeling sleep deprived and sex deprived. It's moments like these where I feel angry with myself for not making more time to meet women.

I meditated only 10 minutes, but something happened. I had a moment where I completely forgot about my body, and it felt really exciting. Unfortunately the monkey mind also was very excited and distracted me.

Edit: Crazy how I'm immediately able to start work, immediately focused, even in this sleep deprived state. This really is like being on amphetamines all the time (I've heard ) But I repeat myself.

Got up at                           : 8:45

Number of women approached          : 2
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 8 hours
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 32
    alcohol                         : 4
    caffeine except tea             : 4
    TV                              : 2
    grains                          : 31
    sugar                           : 19
    dairy                           : 7
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 45

Edited February 13, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Took another step to better sleep: installed f.lux on my laptop. I'm looking at a yellow/reddish screen right now.

I think if I just keep taking actions towards sleep hygiene, I will come to see myself as a person who values sleep. And that will get me to a well rested life eventually.

Exercised my ass off, which also helps me feel tired, and had a very busy day overall.

Got some interesting feedback from my Men's Group on how neurotic I'm being with this whole approaching women thing. Have to let that sink in.

And, I took some business action today:

• Bought domain name
• Chose hosting option
• Requested quote on app building software.

I can't WAIT to start programming for MYSELF for a change! Very exciting.

Got up at                           : 8:00

Number of women approached          : 2
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 8h20
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 34
    alcohol                         : 6
    caffeine except tea             : 6
    TV                              : 4
    grains                          : 33
    sugar                           : 21
    dairy                           : 9
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 47

 

[flowboy]

What went not so well

Last Saturday I had a date and we stayed up until 7. I decided to drink alcohol that night too. Also my no-peak orgasm-streak didn't stand a CHANCE

The next day, I we had only slept for maybe an hour, and I completely forgot about my morning routine. Also, I haven't thought about how to handle that when there's people around: I don't feel like praying aloud. So I ended up skipping that day.

What went well

Got up at 7:25 on my own! Did a quick version of my morning routine and arrived at work before 10, for the first time in weeks.

The sleeplessness helped me to decide to go to bed early yesterday. I hit the gym first, which helped me relax. So despite the weekend, I'm still moving towards respecting my sleep, I think.

Timelogging is not at all as stressful as I imagined it to be. I discovered it has an added benefit: setting an intention. If I have to input what I'm going to do beforehand, and the timer starts running, I'm then more motivated to stay focused.

Apart from the alcohol, I managed to keep up my diet, even though I had bought snacks and soft drinks for guests. This used to be hard for me to stay away from, and often I felt compelled to either throw it out or eat it all. Today, I'm not even considering touching the crisps or coke.

Resolutions

I'm going to split off Porn as a separate metric, because there I still have a long streak.

I'm not increasing the 'Women Approached' number because this one approached me.

The timelogging project has been going on for over a week now, so I'm excited to see the report on where I spend how much time. I will share it here soon.

I will keep up timelogging.

I will drop acting class. I'm doing too much.

I will think about not going to every Toastmasters evening, in favor of studying for my driving test.

Next time I wake up around people, I will do my entire routine, and the prayer can be silent if I'm more comfortable with that.

Stats

 

Got up at                           : 7:25

Number of women approached          : 2
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 9 hours
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 38
    alcohol                         : 1
    caffeine except tea             : 10
    TV                              : 8
    grains                          : 37
    sugar                           : 25
    dairy                           : 13
    Porn                            : 51
    Peak Orgasm                     : 1

 

Edited February 19, 2019 by flowboy
keep making mistakes. Should sleep more

[flowboy]

I drank alcohol again, this time not as a calculated exception, but just because I felt tired and overloaded and I thought it would help me socialize. This was two days ago. I had a headache the entire day, yesterday. This is why I don't drink often. Because I value my mind. And my brain health.

Also I bought hummus that I found out had sugar in it. I got angry because it's the kind I like, so I ate it anyway. Reset sugar counter. Avoiding sugar is damn hard in this society. But I'm learning the tricks of it every day. Sour pickles instead of sweet-and-sour pickles, for instance.

I'm sticking to my morning routine, except one time I couldn't finish it on time. But I notice that immediately after waking up, I'm already thinking about stuff I promised myself I would do. I still make daily schedules, but I put too much on it.

So, I'm doing too much. Things I promised people to read, update resumé, study lines for acting, driving lessons I have to study for, events flowing out of all things I do, that I have to do stuff for and communicate with people, and I'm not handling it well. I overuse green tea, I undersleep. I feel like I'm doing everything badly because of too little time.

I don't like this feeling at all. I'm tense all over my body.

I will become better at deciding to not do things, even though they feel important.

I will do my morning routine without looking at my messages in between, or anything else for that matter.

Sorry, recruiter, I'm not responding to your email for a week. I have to update my resumé, and to do that I need time that I just don't have. This is crazy.

Probably I will heavily edit this post later, because I'm barely coherent at the moment. This is how hobbies turn into obligations and into stress. I get it now. I don't even have time to organise my photos or respond to fucking text messages properly.

I might drink coffee to get through tonight. I might drink alcohol to calm down. I will not smoke, of course.

And after that I will remember that overloading myself leads to substance abuse and bad times. So cut your to-do list before it cuts you.

I don't know if I like that.

Got up at                           : 7:00

Number of women approached          : 2
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 9h25
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 40
    alcohol                         : 1
    caffeine except tea             : 12
    TV                              : 10
    grains                          : 39
    sugar                           : 1
    dairy                           : 15
    Porn                            : 53
    Peak Orgasm                     : 3

Also I had like 5 items on my to do list that I planned to do yesterday evening. But yesterday evening I tried and could not focus because I was too tired mentally. So I thought I would do it this morning. Surprise surprise I did not wake up at 5am. So I went to work, even a bit late, planning to do 5 tasks during work hours! That's crazy. I even got quite far with it, but again, no time to finish anything. And the thing I was reviewing for a friend turned out to be too late, which was an extra bummer.

During work hours, I only want to have to think about the work project. Focus is one of my values. So don't plan stuff under work time. I felt like I had to.

Edited February 21, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

So I decided last minute to do an extra scene solo, in the play we did with theatre class. A dramatic monologue. Went great. I'm quite proud of that.

I'm getting needy with the girl I slept with. It's getting out of hand. I texted her that I like her when I was drunk. I'm texting her every morning, for way too long. I am addicted to getting responses from her. She's making no effort whatsoever to impress me.

Why, why can't I just be cool now?

To be fair, she's very smart and witty and we get along great. So that's why my instinct is to keep her around. But not going about it the right way. I have too little faith, I think. A part of me is in a hurry to create a situation where we have feelings for each other and get kind of clingy. Because that's the way I'm used to keeping in touch with girls? This smells a lot like trying to re-create the patterns with my exes that I'm trying to avoid. I need it to be love. Why?

It's A. not healthy and B. not working. I have to interrupt this.

[flowboy]

I have a theory that my breaking my no-peak orgasm streak had a hand in me getting needy. I feel frustrated. The girl doesn't seem too interested anymore, and the whole dynamic is all messed up now because I've made myself too available.

After missing a morning routine yesterday, I decided to start counting them.

I will count the dramatic monologue from the play as a speech. Why not!

Got up at                           : 10:00
Days in a row with morning routine  : 1
Number of women approached          : 2
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 9h35
Speeches given                      : 2

Days without 
    smoking                         : 42
    alcohol                         : 1
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 12
    grains                          : 41
    sugar                           : 3
    dairy                           : 17
    Porn                            : 0
    Peak Orgasm                     : 0

 

Edited February 23, 2019 by flowboy
I messed up

[ajasatya]

53 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Got up at                           : 10:00
Days in a row with morning routine  : 1
Number of women approached          : 2
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 9h35
Speeches given                      : 2

Days without 
    smoking                         : 42
    alcohol                         : 1
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 12
    grains                          : 41
    sugar                           : 3
    dairy                           : 17
    Porn                            : 0
    Peak Orgasm                     : 0

 

obvious programmer spotted!

i know you can do better at that alcohol variable

good job on keeping a journal btw

[flowboy]

Today I realize the importance of staying RELAXED

Euphoria

Feeling touched / blessed / godly / humble / euphoric

listening to rainbow songs, teary eyed, just happy

 

One of those moments where you realize how neurotic you've been all that time, and see how easy and blissful life can be if you let go of

• blaming yourself for things
• forcing yourself harshly to do certain things
• needing your life to be a certain way
• Having to do things
• Needing results
• Resisting how you feel
• Resisting what happens
• Negative stories you create about your life and hold as truth
• Judging yourself

Absolutely fucking euphoric. Just by hearing the music.

If I close my eyes and put my fingertips together, it's like I feel this life force flowing through my entire body. I have slight closed eyes visuals as if I'm on psychedelics. Body awareness is continuously pretty high, and I'm letting go and relaxing even more every time. I think the yoga and leo's guided meditation had a hand in this. Also my exercise and going running.

Above all, I feel so much LOVE. The kind of love that is not dependent on what happens to me.

Ego Backlash

I had friends over and I felt like having some cold beers in the weather. I knew that beer would knock me out of ketosis, but I cared more about enjoying my day and not feeling restricted. Also, I was still feeling shaken by a girl that rejected me, so I felt like drinking and complaining about women. After that, I figured I may as well eat some sushi, which has rice, which has carbs. Drank a good amount of strong liquor and went to a restaurant, where I could have just eaten the vegetables and the meat, but I chose to also enjoy the fries.

It is important to note that I'm writing this without a shred of anger or frustration towards myself. I have a fear that if I don't keep up the diet perfectly, I won't be motivated to keep it up at all. And I'm facing that fear.

The best part is still to come.

Blissful Lesson

We took molly at a party. It was in a public indoor swimming pool that was transformed into a party venue with a DJ booth, a bar, and a rolling crowd. I think it's a great idea. Swimming felt amazing. Also there were plenty of hot girls there. I knew I wanted to push myself to approach, and I did. Mdma does not take away approach anxiety and excuse-making by the way. I had some glorious rejections where I swam up to the girl to say hi, and they would instantly turn away as a group. Happened several times. I remember thinking: "Well, if I can enjoy this, I'm golden. How much worse could it get?"

I also remember connecting to a stunningly hot girl over yoga and meditation. I remember stumbling through some initial skepticism (' bitch shield') and her warming up to me. The drug made me feel so content that it seemed unnecessary to try and kiss her (regrettably in hindsight, because we could have and it would have felt amazing).

Throughout the whole night I contemplated several times how neurotic the impulse to force myself to approach feels. And how such things could also flow naturally. That it's okay to just enjoy swimming and dancing. That to focus on feeling good in your own body is way more valuable than keeping up a conversation and trying to force it to go well.

Thanks to this party, I now have a positive reference experience of effortlessly meeting an unbelievably pretty girl, and feeling a connection immediately. Without being afraid of her. Without pressure. Just fun.

I got a strong "summery" sensation that there's infinite attractive people to connect with, so I don't have to worry about the individual interactions, and can just see how things flow. This feeling is still with me today (2 days later). I feel less intimidated by going out alone now, and actually am looking forward to it.

Didn't Lose Integrity

Here's the best part: being at a wild party, with alcohol and inhibition-releasing drugs in me, and my friend desperately begging people for cigarettes, I still didn't join in. All I would have had to say, was "Yeah, sure, me too. It's sooo enjoyable in this state, so let's make an exception". I expected myself to do that. I did not.

The next day I made my friend go running with me, and I still felt amazing and energetic. Did my entire routine with yoga and meditation, albeit in the evening. Here is where I started to have this sensation of humbleness and being permanently grateful to God for being alive in this body that feels so great. I think my daily prayer is really helping.

Cheat Day

I had a craving for some yoghurt, and I already had some cheating momentum from the weekend, so I decided to see how it would make me feel.

A few months ago, a cheat day would have involved processed food, sugary stuff, cake, wheat bread, processed meats. Did not touch those

Ironic how what I considered a healthy meal a few months ago is now a 'cheat day'. Full-fat yoghurt, buckwheat crackers, cheese. The yoghurt with the fruit was really good. But I could feel it like a brick in my stomach. The crackers contain little to no gluten, so it makes sense that I'm not getting brainfog and sleepiness. Still I feel uncomfortably full and heavy and tired. And bloated. Yes, and unmotivated.

I have an intuition that keeping up all my dietary rules perfectly would be running away from the part of me that wants to feel free and unrestricted. I have a working theory that it's better to try to 'integrate' that part and give it some space in a controlled way. By eating some foods that I'd rather not eat, but are also not the worst. Such as yoghurt, and wheat-free crackers. And drinking only very sometimes.

So I don't mind having to reset some counters (except smoking) every now and then, as long as I get right back on the wagon.

Got up at                           : 8:30
Days in a row with morning routine  : 3
Number of women approached          : 9
Total infield time                  : 5 hours
Total meditation time               : 9h50
Speeches given                      : 2

Days without 
    smoking                         : 44
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 14
    wheat                           : 43
    grains                          : 0
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 0
    Porn                            : 0
    Peak Orgasm                     : 0

Edit: oh god, the sluggishness. I'm so slow and improductive because I'm digesting all this lactose and grains.

I'm happy with this getting to experience the difference, and knowing that my diet isn't nonsense, but actually makes a massive difference I know how to solve this problem now, which is awesome.

Edited February 25, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On 2/23/2019 at 1:49 PM, ajasatya said:

obvious programmer spotted!

i know you can do better at that alcohol variable

good job on keeping a journal btw

@ajasatya I had been arguing with myself whether to use spaces over tabs

Thank you for reading! Makes me feel extra motivated and supported.

Yes, I would like to make a longer alcohol streak soon. There are some things I really don't like about it.

[flowboy]

Went out to a restaurant and had noodles that in hindsight probably were made of wheat. Gotta be more mindful of that.

Interestingly, I can immediately feel the addictive properties of such foods: I am immediately craving to eat the rest of the crackers. To fill my belly with grains.

Yesterday night I revisited some old patterns: watched some Netflix and drank alcohol before bed. Well, the patterns are not that old.

Did not set an alarm and slept so late that there was no way to do my morning routine without being obscenely late. So I skipped.

Something amazing is happening though: where in the past this regression would have driven me into panic and depressive feelings, and caused me to lose all my self esteem, today I'm fine. Those feelings are still there, but less strong. They are based on an assumption that if I don't punish myself, I will never keep it up. That seems less true. I have more trust that I will go back to my good habits. And so I can stay relaxed. Which is amazing.

Also I tend to have this perfectionistic, all or nothing mentality about it. Obsessiveness. I'm either eating perfectly and completing ALL of my routines, or I'm fucking up and deserve punishment. No middle ground.

Today, I didn't find time for meditation or yoga, AND YET I did a quick prayer before leaving for work. I drink coffee and eat cheese today, AND YET I politely declined the birthday cake. This middle ground would not have been possible for the neurotic me from a month ago.

It makes me feel like I can actually sustain this. That maybe the first fuckup doesn't mean I lose motivation and quit forever. Which was the fear I had. Paradoxically, this straying from the path I set is turning into a milestone.

 

The blissful, grateful, humble feeling is still with me. I want to just be very relaxed to everyone and enjoy being.

I just want to listen to this with happy tears:

 

Got up at                           : 9:00
Days in a row with morning routine  : 0
Number of women approached          : 9
Total infield time                  : 5 hours
Total meditation time               : 9h50
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 45
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 0
    wheat                           : 0
    grains                          : 0
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 0
    Porn                            : 0
    Peak Orgasm                     : 0

 

Edited February 26, 2019 by flowboy
add book count

[flowboy]

So I'm noticing today this all-too-familiar feeling of everything in my mind being jumbled and unclear. Never fully being awake or close to lucid.

Not ready to take on the world's challenges.

Lazy. Needing a lot of sleep.

Tomorrow I'm starting my renunciation practice again.

And I shall be RELAXED about it this time

[flowboy]

Woke up feeling kind of empty and depleted, with some negative thoughts. Which was expected.

Did my routine with a nice 30 minutes of meditation, and took a MD.

I am determined to get back on track.

Got up at                           : 7:30
Days in a row with morning routine  : 1
Number of women approached          : 9
Total infield time                  : 5 hours
Total meditation time               : 10h40
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 46
    alcohol                         : 0
    caffeine except tea             : 0
    TV                              : 0
    wheat                           : 0
    grains                          : 0
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 0
    Porn                            : 0
    Peak Orgasm                     : 0

 

Edit: this weird, ominous background sadness is back. Not as strong as it used to be, but I'm clearly in a different space than I was a few days ago. I blame it on the peak orgasm and wheat. And maybe the MDMA hangover still a bit.

It seems that one peak orgasm, I get weaker. A few more, I get dependent, needy and negative.

Several more, and well, today is what happens. I have been crying a bit in the break during work even! I do not feel like a 26 year old man, but rather like a boy. The masculine sense of direction is not there at the moment.

Now this is not scientific because I haven't eliminated all the variables. Yesterday I ate some bread for the first time, so that actually looks more like bread causes me to feel sad and weak.

The thing is, I just want to feel like the awesome version again and improve my life from a place of strength. No time for disciplined experimentation. I'm just going to do all the things that I know are making me feel better.

Edited February 27, 2019 by flowboy
meditated more

[flowboy]

All the zero counters make me feel like I'm back where I started. I may be out of ketosis, but I'm far from back to zero. I will remind myself what I have accomplished:

• I practically always eat only things that I consider to be super healthy.
  When I don't, I feel weird about it.
• I meditate, practice concentration, do a cold shower, and do some yoga nearly every day.
  When I don't, I feel weird about it.
• I don't smoke and am not seriously tempted. Not even when I'm feeling sad. Not even when my friend is also 'making an exception'. Not even when I'm drunk. Not even when I'm on drugs.
• I have some practice withstanding social pressure and choosing sparkling water when out in a bar.
• I am in the gym three times a week and I'm looking forward to it every time. There is no effort in making myself go.
• I have stopped saying I have ADD and making it part of my self image to be a victim of this. Instead, I say that certain food groups cause anxiety and concentration problems for me.
• I have actually spent some hours on a project that could be LP related. Instead of just fantasizing about doing that.

 

Notes from the Do Nothing technique video

 

Breathe. Notice that it's breathing for you.

Notice your thoughts

"Now, I'm doing Nothing." Let go of control of attention and mind process. Whatever your mind decides to to of it own accord, you accept it and don't resist it. Eyes open and unfocused, spaced out gaze. "Panoramic vision"

The only thing you're doing is watching for those moments where you're trying to control, and letting go instead

You're going to feel guilty about sitting there and doing nothing

Don't move. Keep eyes open. You do exercise control over the body, but not the mind.

Let your breathing be deep. Don't control it, but stop restricting it.

It will seem like you're not progressing but it does work. The extreme monkey mind is a purging process.

 

I'm going to try it. Right now.

 

Edit: tried it for 20 minutes. Not sure if I'm doing it right, it feels like I'm at times trying to get lost in thoughts on purpose. When my eyes are open, the focus of my eyes is tied to the focus of my mind, so that when my thoughts bounce around, my eyes wiggle, but when the eyes try to hold still and readjust the gaze, my thoughts fall silent and come back to the moment.

Another milestone: I skipped the Toastmasters evening to just sit around, meditate and go to bed early. Something I would usually feel neurotically guilty about, and have to justify that with extra activity.

I'm sooo going to enjoy sleeping in a moment...

Edited February 27, 2019 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I'm back

Got up at                           : 7:40
Days in a row with morning routine  : 2
Number of women approached          : 9
Total infield time                  : 5 hours
Total meditation time               : 10h50
Speeches given                      : 2
Books read                          : 0

Days without 
    smoking                         : 47
    alcohol                         : 1
    caffeine except tea             : 1
    TV                              : 1
    grains                          : 1
    sugar                           : 1
    dairy                           : 1
    Porn & Peak Orgasm              : 1

 

I should add in case I refer back to this later, that there is some mental fog and ... I don't know the word for it. Weakness? Coping. Lack of enthusiasm and wanting to reward oneself easily. Subtle self-pity. I did my full morning routine, but needed to promise myself a dairy-free caffeine-free cappucino at the end.

Also I'm scrolling this forum without enough attention span to read anything in depth. I'm craving replies on my text messages without anything to say. Just the short dopamine spike. Content doesn't matter. I'm drawing a parallel to the addicted, dopamine-deprived state you can get into after a peak orgasm. Which I'm in, probably.

Maybe it's the loss of ojas. Maybe it's the shift back into low-carb eating. Probably a combination.

I expect it to get worse before it gets better

Woke up clutching my chest, with some anxiety/bad mood. I have learnt that this is linked to not having a plan that I trust.

Which is true: two months of this fine year have passed already, and I don't know yet when I'm going to do some bigger things like the meditation retreat and the LP course. I need to plan my year.

Also: getting up at 7:30 is going fine, but I want to make it 6:00 so that I don't rush through my affirmation and visualisations.

I feel that today I'm seeing sharper and my patience for my work is coming back, which is good

Edited February 28, 2019 by flowboy