Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Reminder to self: I never zone out during client sessions.

Some parts of a coaching business are quite difficult for me, I can do them but very inefficiently and I zone out a lot / don't easily get in the zone.

Such things are marketing activities for example.

But the core of the value, the coaching itself, is where I never have this problem.

Also responding to other people's questions or input gets me in the zone. Hence the Q&A videos and posts. Perhaps Q&A lives and in-person workshops is the only marketing that I should do.

[flowboy]

My failures for the past 4 months have all come down to an emotional issue. Lol.

I didn't even spot this until I pushed past it.

Working on a 100 things at once, creating intricate systems of chaos and complexity, living in the mind instead of in reality, it's due to some fear of loss of imaginary potential. That fear was not offset by a the visceral experience of how little time I actually have.

Now, when I think of browsing the forum or something else, I just remember that I'm 30 and time is fucking ticking.

The vastness of things that I just don't have time for.

It feels like I've integrated that knowing of limitation, rather than having to beat myself up over it whilst secretly cheating.

Now I can throw things away.

Now I feel like I have the balls and the energy to move forward unhindered.

I used to be slowed down by conflicts with imaginary other results that would never manifest.

No more.

No time.

I used to go into chill mode early in the day, take long for breakfast, take long breaks, take long detours.

Then veer off to a stressful other end of the spectrum: "panic productivity mode" - where I would make myself work until 23:00 and still not be happy. Under all that stress and self hate I could also not see clearly what was important and what wasn't - I couldn't throw anything out because I already felt low on results - so why admit even more stuff I'm not going to do?

I hope that me seeing this game, means that I am transcending it.

Things that I did that maybe helped:

• Going into feminine mode and crying in my girlfriend's arms
• Cultivating pushing through in the morning, high expectations combined with fixed stop time + active recovery
• parts work sessions with myself
• yoga in the morning.

[flowboy]

I feel like I'm on the brink of a breakthrough insight.

I've been contemplating what true therapy is, and how it relates to manifestation and magic.

What some people call shadow work, is just changing your beliefs and feelings in the present so that your life becomes better.

As within, so without.

Examples of magic:

• Existential Kink
• Affirmations
• Manifestation
• Magic
• Sex Magick
• Sedona method
• The Work
• Gratitude journaling
• Prayer

All of these work with the 3rd line, and limiting beliefs and neurotic struggles are removed to enable a smooth manifestation of what one wants in the present.

They work with the subconscious as well - they penetrate into the unconscious beliefs and attitudes and change them. That causes someone to behave and perceive in a way that is more conducive to getting what they want.

That does not mean that they penetrate the 2nd line.

There is repression and gating on all levels, so there are subconscious 3rd line beliefs, attitudes and desires.

In the 3rd line unconscious, the symbolizing on situations, objects, relationship and people also lives.

This can be rewired with a practice like EK, so that someone stops their self-destructive behavior.

 

But where does the repressed 2nd and 1st line Pain go?

Nowhere.

Some forms of shadow work do touch it a bit - if it includes an old-feeling inquiry or the pain of parts - then a tiny bit of grief can be felt, which is relieving but not curative, because it doesn't include full first-person conscious reliving, and if there is the symbol of the "inner child" in the mix, then the psyche is still fragmented. I hypothesize that the fragmentation keeps the true Pain at a safe distance while allowing the 3rd line to be improved and rewired. The 3-2-1 method involves first person perspective, so depending on how far one takes that, it could constitute a "symbolic reliving" or a "fragmented reliving" as Stone calls it, which according to him is curative.

And then some variants also add a bit of unreality - forgiveness, recontextualisation, "changing the scene" into the mix.

This is condemned as dangerous folly by Janov, Jenson and also Miller - creating a groove from real unfelt Pain into unreality, thereby cutting off a pathway to healing. The inner child can not be given what it needed then, now. Neither can the inner baby. Trying to rewire a traumatic birth memory into a good one, as rebirthers have tried to do, just forces that high valence Pain to find another way out, perhaps seizures, perhaps migraines, perhaps colitis, while damaging someone's connection and pathway to let it out.

I've worked with people whose 2nd line memories are polluted with "helper" figures - older selves, older brothers, saviours that weren't really there - it makes it almost impossible to focus on the original scene. They think they are done with it, but they have just created more neurosis, more unreality.

I hypothesize that hypnosis and EMDR work in similar ways. Reinforcing the disconnection between the memory and the Pain. Which probably does remove a certain triggering pathway, but the pain has to find another way out eventually.

I recall my friend who was driven to suicide after receiving EMDR therapy relating to her traumatic childhood.

Before EMDR, she was a functioning neurotic. She was restless, unsuccessful in relationships, suffering with the consequences of attachment trauma, the source of lots of drama when she was triggered, and constantly seeking something she never seemed to find - or even be able to recognize when it was right in front of her.

But she was stable, reasonably happy, had found friends that loved her and accepted her for her quirkiness, and she had found a purpose. She was a happy-go-lucky free spirit, always able to manifest something she wanted to create, always had people ready to help. Alternative healing methods like rebirthing had helped her a lot, and she was now helping other people with it.

Then she decided: perhaps I'm missing out by not doing any mainstream therapy. And signed up for doctor-sanctioned EMDR sessions.

Within months, she was paranoid and suicidally depressed.

The last thing I ever heard from her were hostile messages containing paranoid ideas about how I had tried to ruin her life in different ways. I was not the only one she pushed away.

She committed suicide within a few months of starting that therapy.

Back then, I didn't know what to think - isn't EMDR supposed to relieve trauma?

Now, what I guess happened, is that some high-valence painful memories were brought up to "process", EMDR was used to disconnect the Pain from the memory, and then the part of the pain that was not consciously processed, had to find another way out.

One of those ways can be paranoid or psychotic ideas, as Janov teaches.

An effect of traumatic birth Pain - which I know she had - not finding its way to consciousness but overwhelming the psyche, is a hopeless, death feeling being projected onto current reality. That's how people come to believe that there is no way out but suicide.

There is a reason that EMDR is not recommended for early trauma, but rather for individual incidents later in life.

I believe that the therapist has misapplied her method.

I also believe that the "rebirthing" my friend had done some years earlier, might have done some damage to her ability to process the birth pain, by attempting to install a "new, better" birth memory, which can not be done. This could have contributed to her sudden episode of darkness.

But I digress.

Magic and manifestation are effective techniques to help someone develop the attitudes and perceptions that most efficiently get them what they want in the present. It does that by removing the unhelpful attitudes and perceptions, and neurotic symbolizations.

These unhelpful attitudes, perceptions and symbolizations can however be important clues to find and heal the cause of someone's neurosis.

I'm not sure what happens if you magic them all away - but I suspect their root cause doesn't just disappear.

Perhaps other neurotic attitudes and symbolization just keep popping up indefinitely - like playing Whack-a-Mole.

Perhaps this is why people say that shadow work is never done.

It is a misunderstanding of the difference between magic and healing.

 

The brain rebalances itself constantly, it maintains homeostasis.

Unfelt old feelings of being unwanted create unhelpful attitudes and beliefs.

Feeling those unfelt feelings removes the need for those unhelpful attitudes and beliefs, and people do start to improve their lives without the help of magic and manifestation. They develop healthier attitudes, slowly, but they last.

Using magic and faith is faster at creating healthy attitudes, which can also create fast results in someone's life.

But it must be continuously practiced.

Or regularly refreshed.

This is why people get addicted to their religion, why faith must be regularly practiced.

For some.

This has also been my experience with affirmations. I use affirmations, I get what I want... for a while. Then my mind creates new reasons for why I can't get what I want this time.

Homeostasis.

It's actually quite obvious.

People have negative thoughts, and then they remind themselves - or each other - to have Faith.

And it works for a while - as long as they can hold on to that faith, their life improves.

As long as someone can maintain the thought "I am loved", their relationships go better.

This is why people gratitude journal every day and keep doing it.

They have to.

A daily dose of healthy 3rd line.

If they stop, their mind reverts back to rumination and thoughts of worthlessness, nobody wants me, et cetera.

Because their traumatic pain is still there, untouched.

Regression therapy diminishes that, and people drop their unhelpful beliefs slowly, but permanently.

I would say that even CBT can be categorized as magic - if we define magic as getting a daily dose of healthy 3rd line in order to make short term improvements in life.

Okay, now I am satisfied with my contemplation.

Edited January 12, 2023 by flowboy

[flowboy]

What pain would I feel if I had no mess to project it on?

It occurs to me that I'm living with the perpetual feeling of "something's not done, not finished, not cleaned up, not ready"

Sometimes I let clutter build up in my apartment for a few days and take a sick pleasure in that.

Sometimes I let it build up in my email.

Or in not trimming my beard on time.

And then on a conscious level, I dread the task of catching up, cleaning up, finishing.

But do I really?

 

At certain times during a Primal therapy treatment, the therapist would actually tell the patient to push through and get their life together... just to reveal their pain.

They would get a job, get out of a toxic relationship, move to a place they liked better.

And afterwards, feel the same feelings with no place to project it on.

So it would be much clearer that they were from the past.

 

I love to hate that things in my life are unfinished... overflowing email account, clothes need to be decluttered but I never get to it.

What would be revealed if I did all of that?

What feeling would I have left over, with nothing more to blame it on?

Do I feel unfinished?

Was I induced?

 

I should find out.

[flowboy]

I was induced.

2 weeks late, a drug was used to make me get born.

Explains a lot of my hangups around being ready for things, finishing things, and things happening without my consent.

[flowboy]

Made dinner and prepared for bed without any negative thoughts or resistance today.

No laziness.

That’s new.

My deep feeling session might have something to do with that.

I feel optimistic that I can actually get better.

[flowboy]

What it was like to live inside my head when I was heavily affected by neuroticism when socializing.

Edited January 26, 2023 by flowboy

[ElenaO]

On 1/16/2023 at 5:03 AM, flowboy said:

I was induced.

2 weeks late, a drug was used to make me get born.

Explains a lot of my hangups around being ready for things, finishing things, and things happening without my consent.

Do you really think this affects anything? A lot of women are induced. I was for once induced to give birth to my son. It's done because a lot of times it's safer and just better for both mom and the baby.

[flowboy]

13 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Do you really think this affects anything? A lot of women are induced. I was for once induced to give birth to my son. It's done because a lot of times it's safer and just better for both mom and the baby.

Yes, I really think so.

[flowboy]

@ElenaO

I appreciate you reading my journal.

Let me clarify that I'm just exploring my own origin story here.

I'm not saying "people shouldn't".

I'm not mad at my parents for inducing me.

I don't feel victimized by it.

But my psychedelic experiences and my shadow work tells me that something around birth is the source of the "I'm not ready" reflex that permeates my entire life.

In Imprints, Arthur Janov describes how different types of birth experiences determine how people do everything in life, it's the biggest influencer of personality.

I highly recommend reading it, perhaps asking about your own birth and thinking about the way you live life, making some connections. It's very interesting!

 

Edited January 30, 2023 by flowboy

[Grateful Dead]

Very inspirational journal man, also nice YT channel! And by the way, if you don't already know, check out Stanislav Grof's work, it's basically all about birth trauma. He also talks specifically about your case.

[ElenaO]

On 1/29/2023 at 11:55 PM, flowboy said:

@ElenaO

I appreciate you reading my journal.

Let me clarify that I'm just exploring my own origin story here.

I'm not saying "people shouldn't".

I'm not mad at my parents for inducing me.

I don't feel victimized by it.

But my psychedelic experiences and my shadow work tells me that something around birth is the source of the "I'm not ready" reflex that permeates my entire life.

In Imprints, Arthur Janov describes how different types of birth experiences determine how people do everything in life, it's the biggest influencer of personality.

I highly recommend reading it, perhaps asking about your own birth and thinking about the way you live life, making some connections. It's very interesting!

 

Sure, I may consider diving into it. But it's a bit radical to think that just birth would have such a huge influence on everything. It may be too fatalistic. A lot of these things may also be just a coincidence. I mean I am not ready to do this and that too, but I wasn't induced. So it's all up for interpretation too. I don't want to disregard this but looking at it from the side (I haven't read the book but I've heard how being wrapped around with the cord influences your life too) it seems ridiculous that it would basically define your life. 

[flowboy]

It seems ridiculous yes, to the one who hasn’t experienced regressing to their own birth memories and feelings.

To the ones who have, it becomes self-evident.

You can become directly conscious of the reason and source for all the quirks in your personality as well as the neurotic symptoms and psychosomatic ones.

Once you become directly conscious of it through regression, there is no more argument or doubt.

[flowboy]

[ElenaO]

On 1/31/2023 at 11:03 PM, flowboy said:

It seems ridiculous yes, to the one who hasn’t experienced regressing to their own birth memories and feelings.

To the ones who have, it becomes self-evident.

You can become directly conscious of the reason and source for all the quirks in your personality as well as the neurotic symptoms and psychosomatic ones.

Once you become directly conscious of it through regression, there is no more argument or doubt.

OK, that makes sense. I agree that I may be oblivious to such things. It's interesting to hear what your experience is. 

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, ElenaO said:

OK, that makes sense. I agree that I may be oblivious to such things. It's interesting to hear what your experience is. 

@ElenaO Parents are going to mess up.

I'm going to be a parent at some point.

I'll mess up so many things.

It's impossible to do it perfectly.

 

For example: it's not very useful to tell a pregnant woman to prevent any stress.

Yes, babies can feel stress and it influences their development.

But a mother with a certain level of neuroticism will have a certain amount of stress.

There's nothing she can do to prevent that.

Also after children are born, they reflect your neurotic patterns back to you.

The only thing I can do to be a better parent in the future, is do more regression therapy, more shadow work, more primal therapy.

That's the only thing that makes me less neurotic as a person, which means my future children will be mentally healthier too.

Parenting is so stressful (I hear) that it will bring out the worst in you, especially when sleep deprived.

Regardless of what rules for good parenting one has remembered.

I'm convinced that it's about who I am, not what I do (although one determines the other).

Hence, I'm going deep on healing my neurotic patterns.

That's things most people don't do, and I don't blame them, but it's very fascinating to me, because the potential is so great.

 

I've already reexperienced parts of the feelings around my birth (much more there), some early childhood stuff, many adolescent traumatic memories. Much more to be done, but I already notice a massive decrease in negative thoughts, an increase in energy and overall well-being, increased confidence, self-esteem, and a more solid feeling of who I am and what is meaningful to me.

 

The New Primal Scream is recommended reading, it will blow your mind. I was crying every second page, not even exaggerating.

Also I talk about this stuff on my youtube.

Edited February 3, 2023 by flowboy

[flowboy]

On 30/01/2023 at 0:00 PM, acidgoofy said:

Very inspirational journal man, also nice YT channel! And by the way, if you don't already know, check out Stanislav Grof's work, it's basically all about birth trauma. He also talks specifically about your case.

Thanks!!

@acidgoofyWhich book does he describe my case in? Would love to read that!

[flowboy]

 

[ElenaO]

I'll get the book. Thanks for the recommendation.

Parents mess up and having a child is the most challenging thing I've ever done. Hands down. The first 8 months were hellish, not a joke. Now I actually enjoy it for the most part, even though I bet a lot of mothers enjoy it even more. 

It's great to hear that you got such results from shadow work and regression therapy as well as primal therapy. I haven't heard of the regression or primal therapies but I'll look into it. Thanks for bringing it up.

[Grateful Dead]

On 3.2.2023 at 10:58 AM, flowboy said:

Which book does he describe my case in? Would love to read that!

Almost sure it was in 'The Way of the Psychonaut Vol.1'. I'll see if I can find it in the coming days.