Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Integrating experience is what we are fundamentally here to do on Earth.

That should mean, if I understand correctly, that you can Parts Work yourself all the way to enlightenment.

Don't even trip, bro.

Edited December 26, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

I think my priority is to achieve in a relaxed way, not a neurotic stressed way.

This is in fact the masculine way. Stressing and being neurotic is somehow by definition not the winner’s default

Perhaps because that state is brought on by being bothered with the thought of having lost before

I thought I could get success in a stressed neurotic way first though, like most people. Some part of me is disappointed that I get to evolve even before

Or maybe that is all just my projection, and no successful person ever got there by self-punishment and flagellation

Perhaps everyone is successful to the extent that they are able to avoid that

 

I feel like there is a high-vibrational, unburdened state in which it is really easy to manifest what you want

And the more burden we carry, the more effort and suffering is required to achieve despite all of that

And every worry and judgment, attachment to past or future pain is getting us further away from this God-mode.

Which still doesn't make it impossible to succeed, but harder.

But below a certain frequency the burden becomes so heavy that the distribution graph of likely outcomes just takes a dive, meaning most people would not find a way out of that, and this is when you're a miner, enslaved and without future prospects.

[flowboy]

 

[flowboy]

Today I really feel like I want to make my relationship work.

We have a unique connection that is pretty fucking valuable.

Don't want to throw it away.

Also don't want to feel like we're compromising, or constantly triggering each other.

Perhaps there is value in finding a new way to relate.

Seems to me that living on our own is a positive for both of our mental health.

[flowboy]

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[flowboy]

Synchronicity is my main way of getting coaching clients now.

Life is only weird if you assume that it is random.

Edited December 28, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Glass of water with salt in the morning is a life-changing habit, thank you Aubrey Marcus

[flowboy]

This guy is rapidly becoming my favorite spiritual teacher at this moment, precisely because he's not a teacher.

He's not using that overly-present long-pause monotone nonduality-teacher voice.

He's not sitting in half lotus pose, cloaked in robes, telling anecdotes in front of a crowd and subtly making them feel silly for their human weaknesses.

No.

He's just very matter-of-fact, telling it how it is. He's been to heaven. He's been to hell. This is why we're here guys. What else you wanna know??

No act is being put on. He's not appealing to any audience, he's not even really trying to convince anyone of anything.

He just knows because he's telling this from his own memory.

So refreshing.

[flowboy]

Okay, today I really miss her.

I needed a long, long period of cooling off from all the patterns and craziness that infected us.

Now, it's starting to feel a bit too long.

Maybe she'll come spend a couple hours with me on Sunday.

Maybe not.

So many conflicting thoughts.

I'm doing great, for all intents and purposes.

I'm spending almost all of my time on work for clients or for my job.

I feel inspired and like the world is mine to conquer.

My work is having a real, positive impact on people, and that just makes me want to do it more.

Help 30 times as many people in the same way. 100 times as many.

Suddenly I understand what people mean by the desire to have an impact.

That never spoke to me before.

But now that I get what it feels like, to really do something valuable that has a positive impact on real people, I just want to do it more and more and more.

I don't want limitations and demands to be put on my time right now.

One recurring theme when we were living together, was that I wanted to be free to work all day, every day, six days a week if I wanted to. I am building up a business, and in the starting phase, it can get really hectic and so this level of hard work can be required. And it does get me stressed, and tired, and I love it. It makes me feel like I'm living my life right. I have an important cause I work for, it feels purposeful, and I want to give it my all.

I don't want to hold back.

I don't want to compromise.

I don't want to be restricted in any way.

This is my time to explode my value that I give to the world.

I feel endlessly creative, endlessly energetic.

And that has not felt like it was okay for her. I'd usually be met with guilt and fights when I planned to continue to do some work in the evening.

I just never figured out whether she wanted that to be okay for her, or whether she really wanted a boyfriend with a different lifestyle.

 

She doesn't like to see me work. I have a very masculine work vibe where I put pressure on myself to get shit done, I stress about not getting enough shit done, and I am constantly confronted with my limits, causing pain and disappointment. And I love it.

I know how she works, too. It's really effortless, relaxed, and completely dependent on inspiration. It's the feminine way to work, and you could argue that it's healthier because less stress is involved, but when I imagine myself working in that way, I feel like throwing up. (Some issues with my mother popping up there)

I want it to be hard. I want to push myself. It makes me happy.

I'm meeting my edge.

I'm pushing the boundaries every day.

This is what I always was supposed to do.

Since I've been living by myself, my motivation has exploded.

I don't procrastinate in the mornings anymore.

I'm not that hard on myself either.

My life is just about one thing, it's going great, and I feel strong and inspired.

 

But oh God, I miss her though.

I miss the way being with her calms me down, balances me out.

I miss her wise and thoughtful words.

I miss admiring her endless creativity.

I actually miss the vibe we had when hiking on our first date.

When she'd let me teach her things, and I let her inspire me.

I had this really heavy feeling today.

Something is dying or being neglected.

I don't think we're done.

But I also don't feel like going back to living together anytime soon.

Edited December 29, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Sometimes I think we would be best served by seeing each other only occasionally, and taking one or even multiple weeks in between to contemplate and work on boundary issues that came up for both of us (we both have them), and do our own stuff and spend time with our own friends.

[flowboy]

She hates my work vibe, I can't relate to her in my work vibe.

I love my work vibe.

I don't like her work vibe either.

We should only be in vacation mode together.

That's when we worked the best.

I didn't even have to move here for that.

Oh, the irony.

Edited December 29, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

This resonates so hard.

I'm resonating off my fucking chair here.

[flowboy]

 

[flowboy]

How to give advice to friends

https://www.erikjongbloed.com/blog/how-to-give-advice-to-friends

Just had a conversation where I noticed something: someone shared their struggles with me, and I hesitated with my response.

In the past, I'd probably have looked for things in the story to fix, and come up with some really helpful and insightful comment to help her along.

But recently, I don't do that anymore.

Not without being asked.

I simply let her know that I get it, and all of that is okay.

Then I was reminded of conversations with one of my best friends, A.

He would share an open loop, something that was coming up for him, a relevant struggle at the moment.

I would respond with helpful insight and advice.

And he'd be slightly ticked off, and say: "Well I didn't really ask for advice..."

I would be slightly uncomfortable, because I had all this advice bottled up, could barely hold it in, and also I didn't know how else to respond!

Someone shares something that feels like a problem, it's uncomfortable!

So I would try to get the conversation back to a state where I was comfortable, the state that feels like everything is fine, or going to be fine.

We've had moments like this in our conversations throughout the years.

And all the while, every time I talked with him about things I was going through, I would feel so great after those conversations!

So heard, so listened to, so empowered.

And I couldn't figure out how he did that.

Until quite recently, where I finally made the connection.

There is a disempowering nature to giving advice that someone did not ask for.

The underlying message is: "You are not equipped to figure this out on your own. You need me to tell you what to do. Because clearly, you are helpless."

This is gratifying to the ego of the advice giver. And it solves another problem: the advice giver doesn't have to sit in the discomfort of what someone shares. It's very rare that someone has the wisdom to sit in the confusion, sadness, or anxiety, together with someone. So that they don't feel alone going through it. But they also are still empowered to resolve the situation using their own insights, when they are ready.

 

Here's two questions I like to use when someone tells me what they are working through, and I feel like I could give advice.

1. Are they really stuck, or are they just in the middle of figuring it out?

If you talked the situation through with them just by asking questions and being curious and understanding, would they naturally get through it? If yes, they probably don't need you to tell them what to do.

2. Have they made their own decision that they want someone else's advice?

To confirm that, you can ask: would you like my input?
Just them saying: "Yes, please!" empowers them to solve their own problems as an adult.
Because they still were the ones making the decision to ask for help.

This is how subtle the distinction is, between an empowered adult asking for help, and someone assuming the role of a helpless child.

You probably know people like this. In fact, this may be most of the people you know, who exhibit the pattern of the helpless child.

It's probably also you. Don't feel bad. It's me too, sometimes. We so often teach what we most need to learn.

An adult who is assuming the helpless child role, will talk about their problems to a friend, with the specific hope that they will step in and tell them what to do. This role is disempowered, because there is no decision involved. Even though they may really appreciate the unsolicited advice that they were hoping to get, it will leave them dependent on others to make decisions for them.

What's worse, if they do end up trying what you said to try, and it doesn't work out for them, they may easily slip into victim mindset where they blame you.

Because they never made the conscious decision to get advice, they didn't assume responsibility for implementing the advice.

Conclusion: if you give someone advice without them asking, you are helping to perpetuate their helplessness.

But this is easily fixed by guiding them to consciously decide whether they want your help or not.

I'm going to end this with sharing an open loop with you.

Do you feel the urge to give me unsolicited advice?

Notice that urge

 

I've celebrated New Year's Eve alone. Which is okay, but it is a bit boring. I'm in the country I moved to in order to be with my girlfriend, but we're apart right now. I'd like to see my friends, but they are all in another country, so it's not that easy. Also, I really could use a couple day's break from work.

Uncomfortable, right?

Wouldn't you just love to tell me what to do?

Edited January 2, 2022 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Same topic as what I wrote the previous post on.

[flowboy]

Ever since the break, I've just been thinking I was mostly fine.

I'm fine!

This is fine.

Really, really fine.

Maybe there is a slight irritation towards Maria. A bit of ugh.

But mostly fine, and I'm doing really well!

 

Today, that bullshit lifted.

I notice that the slight irritation was just a lot of anger.

Anger that I covered up, because it didn't seem fair.

Because I don't want to be so angry with her just for who she is.

And now that I can see the anger, I can also see the love.

I'm just crying inconsolably.

I've never loved anyone as intensely as this.

How could we get to this awful place then?

 

We have to face it that we may just have incompatible desires at this moment.

Or incompatible conditioning.

 

But it still doesn't make sense to me.

I thought that a love so intense could conquer all obstacles.

Now, I'm not so sure.

 

I'm feeling the pain of our dream together dying.

That's what I'm grieving most. Our dream together.

And I immediately want to rationalize and say: "Oh, but we can get together again in a new way, make a new dream, blah blah blah"

Maybe. Maybe not.

It seems that if we were both a couple years ahead in our journey, we'd match perfectly.

And we can't make each other skip that time.

Or something like that.

So now there is the fear of loss.

And the desire to control.

 

I've never loved anyone like I loved her. And I still feel that. I still have perfect access to that feeling of being in love with her.

I just didn't love what our relationship became, with living together and having a busy stressful life.

 

[flowboy]

A good cry does clarify things.

My mustache is full of snot. I've been walking around with that. Maybe I should shave.

I still love her.

Shopping for food, I wish I was shopping for her.

I still have a deep desire to take care of her.

I don't think that's going away.

And what is also true, is that for me to feel like I can be my full self, integrated, self-reliant, actualized, I need a relationship to be way different from how it was.

And we may or may not be able to meet each other there.

 

Edited January 5, 2022 by flowboy

[flowboy]

 

?

[flowboy]

Face

My eyes are jumping all over the place. I find it impossibly difficult to hold eye contact.

I don't feel like I am being authentic, no matter what I say.

If I am saying something, I will be interrupted by this scanning sensation of looking within the group to see who approves of me, who likes me, what is my status.

It's gotten so extreme these days that I know it's coming up to be healed.

I always used to deal with this, and break through it by using tricks to get myself into a good state.

And now I just feel... clamped.

It's a sensation of melting.

Of becoming very very little. Soft. Weak. Slimy. Shrinking.

Shrinking and melting. I can break through it but it's so, so present.

Sexual tension. But perhaps the sexual tension is only in my experience.

Jumping, tense sensation around the forehead.

Dull, brick-like blockage on the right side.

The dull brickiness can only be filled by sexual validation.

I'm constantly in a trauma response state.

I barely have the energy to tell a story, or inquire into others, be interested in other people.

The jumping around, gathering information about my status is draining my battery.

It's getting so much energy and it's so obviously useless.

And when I let it rest... I just feel weak and meek. Calm, but sexless.

This is the same feeling that I got when I was at a highschool party and my crush was there.

I couldn't talk normally to her.

I melted in front of her.

I felt shame, worthlessness, weakness.

A hand holding me down.

Clamped around my side, around my heart.

Arms stiff and clumsy.

Sight jumping around.

Voice trembling.

Acknowledge

Hello, feeling of constant alertness of my social status and female appreciation.

I see how powerful you are.

You are making me feel tense, restless, weak, small, like a little boy.

What are you here to teach me?

That you are a little boy.

Okay. What do you mean?

You are little because you have been little. Because there is little of you that is even left of the man you were before you were born.

Because there is no one to protect you. She won't respect you.

She will drop you, she will ditch you, when she truly finds out about who and what you are.

You are a DIFFERENT species. Don't forget that you are different and you can not pretend to be the same.

And that means she will ditch you.

Okay, I think I understand what you are saying. But why do you think she is different / I am different?

She grew up happy with herself. She developed properly. Whereas You were not socialized properly and have giant holes in your self esteem.

I understand that that is your perception.

What are you protecting me from?

Damage to the reputation. Outcast from the group. Total and utter humiliation.

Having to call your parents crying because everybody hates you.

Thank you for protecting me from being outcast.

What happened to you?

I was outcast. Everybody hated me. Because I tried things. Because I went for what I wanted, but those desires were not okay. THey all hated me!

 

Integrate

Thank you for protecting me from being outcast. I am actually really attracting so many loving and healthy people around us today, that you don't have to protect me from that anymore. I thank you, and now I really am okay with or without any group.

I will always take care of you, and I will be always able to find new friends.

I understand that you think we are a different species because we've had holes in us, we are carrying pain and holes in our development, but actually, so is she, and so is everyone. I want you to know that we will not be rejected, for having insecurities, for having holes and twists in our development, because she and everyone else does! Why do we pretend to be different when we are so much the same!

There is no need to even bring this up as "my" problem, this is everyone's thing and it does not belong to me specifically.

She's dealing with childhood pain. Neglect.

That so called perfect childhood that you think makes someone more worthy, not only does not exist, but also does not make someone more worthy.

Nobody had it perfect. Whatever happened to us, let them all see it. Let them all see it. Let them all see it. Let them all see it. Let them all see it. Let them all see it and touch it in the other one. Touch it in the other. This is what connects us. This is what we are here to do! I am giving myself permission to be foolish, to be awkward, to be socially inept. And laugh about it. And laugh about it.

Thank you for this conversation, 16 year old Erik. I will come back to you and talk more with you. You can go do something you really like. You can go play drums and go on the computer and lose yourself in nerdy stuff. I will make sure that we can be relaxed and make social errors and laugh about them and not get ostracized. That's a thing of the past. We control our destiny now.

I love you.

[flowboy]

Facing it

It's a hot flash. A hot, cramped sensation in my chest and head. Hands and throat also getting really hot.

My vision becomes more narrow. My heart races. I want to turn away. Run away.

I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to cry. I want to cry and lay on my back and ask WHY, WHY, WHY does this keep happening, why can't I be like that, why. I want the group to save me from my suffering.

I feel envious and worthless. I feel very small. I feel a hot pressure on my heart.

Talk to it

Hello, hot cramped sensation in my chest.

I respect how powerful you are.

Why are you making it so hard for me?

Making what so hard?

Good question.

Let me ask instead: what are you trying to tell me?

I'm just sad.

I know, I can feel that. I feel that sadness. That sense of what I want being unreachable. Because it's in another person than me.

Why do you want to protect me from?

From the bad, bad experiences we had going up to girls. From humiliation. From ostracization. From being exposed for being selfish. For being exposed for not understanding social rules.

So why do you come to the surface when I see her with him?

Because you could never be that. Because she's not for you. Because she's with him. Because he's got something that you don't. Because...

Because you can never become someone else. So you can never have some interaction that you see other people have. Because it wouldn't be yours.

Okay, I understand. Then why do you make me feel like I want to?

Because this hot jealous flash you give me, it feels like to me you are saying something is wrong.

Something is.

What is wrong then?

We don't have acceptance. We don't have the experience of being accepted for our natural playful expression. And he has.

I understand.

When did you first feel this?

In the bathtub with D. In the classroom with Rawina. My physical impulses were not acceptable. And so I shut down and became your hot flash.

 

 

Be it

Your hot flash is me. It is your physical sexual expression that you had to surpress. I am in pain because I was unrequitted. I was not answered.

I am joy. I am happiness. I am pure love and I am sexuality. And I had no place to go. That's why I am in pain.

Every time someone said: "Don't do that", or laughed at me, or were shocked by me, or creeped out by me, I became more and more shut down.

Until now, here, I am just watching from my glass tower, locked up, where no one really knows, while I have to watch other people expressing themselves freely.

My sexuality was never okay in groups. It could never find a place.

I am telling you I need a place. I need to be healthily integrated.

I am so, so lonely. I am so frustrated. I am repressed.

All I want is happiness, merging, pure joy, pure love.

It hurts me that I creep anyone out. That I get disapproval. That I get locked up.

I understand. I appreciate your intention. I understand that you want me to integrate you.

Shall we call in the help of the older brother? Because we need healthy expression. And we were never taught that.

Yes, please. Someone to guide me. I am pure life force. I need healthy expression. I need help and guidance.

And I crave acceptance and reciprocity.

I understand. That is really okay. I will create an environment for you where you are accepted. And I will get the help of the older brother to guide us towards healthy expression.

Older brother archetypes, here we come.

I summon thee.

I need you.