Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Fixing addictions has nothing to do with willpower, hahahahahahahaha remember when I thought that? seems ridiculous now

[flowboy]

Realisations happen under a surplus of love and understanding, never under force.

[flowboy]

LSD and memories from inside the womb

 

And she asked: What are ADD symptoms?

 

"It's not ADD. It's being unsupported by father, not being sure whether I want to be there, having no masculine guidance to lean on."

 

Where did it start?

 

"In the womb."

 

In the womb?

 

"I was just a peanut! My mom was afraid that my dad would leave us. He was not sure whether he wanted to be there. If he is not sure whether he wants to be there, how can I be sure whether I want to be there? How can I know it's safe?"

 

* cries like a baby *

 

"So I turned around before I was born" (I was born ass first)

"And I held my breath" (I still hold my breath when I focus)

 * starts to breathe deeply and heavily, like catching the first gasps of air after being born *

 

"And so I preferred to watch for a long time instead of participating. I was always cautious" (I watched others play on the playground instead of joining them. I also was not very enthusiastic about life events that excited others)

 

 

Why did your dad want to leave?

 

"He was tired of her insecurities about her body. He was just tired of it. She had an eating disorder. There was nothing he could do to make her feel better and accept that she was okay, and he did not feel useful. He was tired of it"

 

* this is where we realise that we are reliving that pattern *

 

I don't want to relive that and become our parents!

 

"How else would we understand them?

How else can we go beyond that without understanding them?

I think Nature makes you become what you don't understand, so that you finally get it."

[ZenRising]

Hi there @flowboy .... so much great stuff in this hjournal... thanks for your openness and insights... it's great to be able to see the journey unfold since you started this...

[flowboy]

43 minutes ago, ZenRising said:

Hi there @flowboy .... so much great stuff in this hjournal... thanks for your openness and insights... it's great to be able to see the journey unfold since you started this...

Thank you, I appreciate that!?

[flowboy]

Talking subject: time. She sees me check out of spacetime reality, and that's when I start to forget about the time. It makes her feel like I don't want to be here. Don't want to be present.

 

It started with an insight / idea: it's not that I am not capable of thinking about the time when I get into something, it's rather that I get so into it that I really want to finish it, and I know on some level that it's time to stop, but I just want to finish it, that seems more important than keeping up with the schedule.

What is it like to come back to spacetime awareness?

 

IT'S LIKE BEING BORN (omg)

 

And that's also what I said in the motherly spaceholding questions exercise.

I didn't ask to be born

I'm not sure I want to even be here.

Want to go back up the womb

 

I think I want to try some breathwork to get into that.

She got blankets, made a cosy space.

I put on a blindfold.

I wanted heartbeat noises, like you would hear inside the womb.

The moment we put them on, I knew something was going to happen. I was already being guided to heal something.

 

I start breathing.

 

After a while, it hits.

I start breathing faster.

 

"They woke me up!"

 

She says I started breathing faster the same way that a contraction goes.

It was difficult for awhile.

Then I started crying and screaming like a baby.

An overwhelming sadness hit me.

 

I knew whe'd found it.

 

Why now already? Why did I have to come out already? It's not good, I was still working on something, I was still growing, I was still preparing myself for the world.

 

Why couldn't I stay a little longer

I was still working on something. I was still growing.

I was unprepared for the world.

The last piece was still being put together to be fully ready for life.

And I did not understand why I could not finish developing and had to come out.

 

It's not good. It's really not good. Why!!!

 

Now we understand why I hate being woken up gently and lovingly. My girlfriend loves being woken up gently. To me it's this harsh and overwhelming experience of not being ready. But I never feel ready.

 

It explains why I have felt like my life is all "for practice". I wrote that in my earlier diaries a lot.

Why I couldn't enjoy experiences fully. Could not bring myself to participate fully..

Why people often commented on my lack of enthusiasm.

I didn't get why I should feel enthusiastic about things other kids felt enthusiastic about.

 

Overwhelming feeling: I'M NOT READY.

 

She asks me what the tense spot on my right underbelly wants.

 

"It wants me to go back inside and then do life properly"

 

Because what I really want to do, is crawl back inside the womb, and finish my project. Finish my development. Then I can be ready for life. Then I can participate fully, and enjoy fully.

 

It explains why I just did not get along with peers, couldn't read social cues very well, could only think logically but not feel into anything, or naturally be social.

Moreso even, it explains why I sat beside the sandbox and watched other kids play.

 

The "I'M NOT READY" permeates everything.

 

Time to go to a party? I’m NOT READY.

 

Friends inviting me to socialize? I’m NOT READY, I have to go home first and finish my 60 todo's. And I'm not ready to do that either, because I have to chill first.

This is just the desire to crawl back inside the womb and finish growing.

 

I am extremely detail-oriented. I remember taking the entire time for the exercise, only to write the first letter, in primary school.

Ironically, I'm trying to make sure that it's really finished, that it's really done!

That extreme detail-orientedness also indirectly causes many projects to be forever unfinished.

But I am the real unfinished project.

 

Today, I feel ready to fully participate and enjoy life.

The tight spot in my right underbelly hasn't fully gotten the message yet. But it's starting to. We don't have to crawl back up and do everything over again. We're okay now.

[flowboy]

 

[flowboy]

I am responsible for doing what can be done from my side to keep the attraction alive.

All this time I've been blaming her for being needy and living out her trauma stuff on me, and at no point did I consider politely but firmly leaving to take time for myself.

 

Even though I have felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and not be touched, for the past two days at least.

 

Sometimes I'm very sweet and giving and caring and comforting.

Other times, I feel disgusted by emotionality and I want nothing to do with it.

Then I sometimes still try to give, to comfort, but that leads to giving what I don't have.

That doesn't feel real to her anyways.

And all the while, I'm thinking that I'm scoring points with her.

I'm not, and also that is manipulative.

I'm pretending to care, thinking that if I just act the part, she'll leave me alone after that and I still get to play Perfect Boyfriend.

I'm so scared to be heartless, to be a heartless bastard, a cold psychopath.

I'm not those things at all, but I'm also not ready to comfort someone all the time.

I must not pretend to be .

Who am I being a good boy for, anyway?

 

Mommy?

Dad?

 

Feels like dad stuff.

 

He doesn't do the exact same thing, even though maybe he does.

But I've seen him be too nice to strangers all day, and then scream at us, or let his emotions out at home, and being a total victim. Complaining about the people he did not stand up to that day.

 

And I'm sure he also is too nice to my mom when he doesn't want to, and then also THAT builds up resentment, and where does that go?

 

I don't know, but I have to own this behavior and stop it.

 

Or maybe I conditioned myself with this. Back when I was a desperate, lonely teenager, feeling unworthy of having a girlfriend. I would read online about how you're supposed to treat a girl. And I would read that you're always supposed to make time for her. And now I've got a "Childhood Vow".

"I should always be nice and ready to comfort my partner and provide her whatever she needs at any moment"

That may work for unconscious, robot-like relationships, where superficial tokens of commitment are the currency.

It doesn't work at the level that we're playing at.

 

If I wasn't so god damn exhausted, I would do my exercise on this.

Edited December 12, 2021 by flowboy

[Gregory1]

On 12.12.2021 at 7:12 PM, flowboy said:

I am responsible for doing what can be done from my side to keep the attraction alive.

All this time I've been blaming her for being needy and living out her trauma stuff on me, and at no point did I consider politely but firmly leaving to take time for myself.

 

Even though I have felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and not be touched, for the past two days at least.

 

Sometimes I'm very sweet and giving and caring and comforting.

Other times, I feel disgusted by emotionality and I want nothing to do with it.

Then I sometimes still try to give, to comfort, but that leads to giving what I don't have.

That doesn't feel real to her anyways.

And all the while, I'm thinking that I'm scoring points with her.

I'm not, and also that is manipulative.

I'm pretending to care, thinking that if I just act the part, she'll leave me alone after that and I still get to play Perfect Boyfriend.

I'm so scared to be heartless, to be a heartless bastard, a cold psychopath.

I'm not those things at all, but I'm also not ready to comfort someone all the time.

I must not pretend to be .

Who am I being a good boy for, anyway?

 

Mommy?

Dad?

 

Feels like dad stuff.

 

He doesn't do the exact same thing, even though maybe he does.

But I've seen him be too nice to strangers all day, and then scream at us, or let his emotions out at home, and being a total victim. Complaining about the people he did not stand up to that day.

 

And I'm sure he also is too nice to my mom when he doesn't want to, and then also THAT builds up resentment, and where does that go?

 

I don't know, but I have to own this behavior and stop it.

 

Or maybe I conditioned myself with this. Back when I was a desperate, lonely teenager, feeling unworthy of having a girlfriend. I would read online about how you're supposed to treat a girl. And I would read that you're always supposed to make time for her. And now I've got a "Childhood Vow".

"I should always be nice and ready to comfort my partner and provide her whatever she needs at any moment"

That may work for unconscious, robot-like relationships, where superficial tokens of commitment are the currency.

It doesn't work at the level that we're playing at.

 

If I wasn't so god damn exhausted, I would do my exercise on this.

@flowboy

Hey, ich liebe deine Ehrlichkeit Mann. Ich fühle dich. Wenn ich deine Worte lese, sehe ich mich selbst sprechen. Diese Angst, nichts anderes zu seien als ein herzloser Psychopath, die steckt in vielen. In mir war sie früher auch drinn, sie ist mir nur allzu gut bekannt. Tatsächlich ist aber das Gegenteil der Fall.

Jeder Mensch ist gut, jeder Mensch hat Herz, jeder Mensch will lieben, will gut seien, ist liebenswürdig.

Manchmal funktionieren die Dinge einfach nicht, manchmal muss man einfach gehen. Wer sich selbst nicht betrügt, kann auch niemand anderen betrügen. Wer sich selbst nicht verletzt, kann niemand anderen verletzten.

Ich lese zurzeit ein unglaublich erleuchtendes Buch, das dir glaube ich sehr helfen könnte in dieser Zeit. Ich würde dir wärmstens empfehlen, dieses Buch noch heute zu bestellen und so bald wie möglich zu lesen. Es wird sehr helfen zu verstehen was gerade passiert. Das Buch heißt: "Männer sind anders, Frauen auch" von John Gray.

Liebe für das Selbst ist liebe für den anderen. Eines Tages wirst du im anderen dein Selbst sehen. Fange bei dir selbst an. Du verdienst es. Liebe dich. Liebe dich wie du bist. Sei wie du bist. Wenn du dich selbst belügst um dem anderen zu dienen, belügst du den anderen. 

Bessere Zeiten werden kommen. Wir werden sie erschaffen. Lass uns groß werden. Lass uns lieben. Lass uns fliegen.

 

 

Edited December 15, 2021 by Gregory1

[flowboy]

I have one rule though: don't give up on things during the dark months of the year.
So I will feel whatever I feel, but not draw conclusions.
That's my resolution

[flowboy]

@Gregory1  Thank you for your wise words, they made me feel a bit warmer.

[flowboy]

Insights from talking to God

 

Erik keeps worrying about making the right decision for the future. Some future he's clinging to, and idea of what is supposed to be, and what is not supposed to be.

Relax.

Play.

Decisions are only hard because you think you are making them

 

I'm creating exactly everything you need, no more no less

 

Don't mistrust me, don't doubt me, if you want to keep your sanity

 

Just have fun. It's all good, bro.

 

I'm experiencing Erik as a movie, for it to be any fun I have to believe he is real, and identify with him. But I'm doing that.

 

Erik really likes to control things and make up rules and hang on to information that he never needs and make his life hard

 

HAHAHAHAHA

Edited December 17, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Separation and Learning

Me and my woman decided to separate two days ago.

We are not speaking for 4 weeks, and then, on the day of our anniversary, we'll meet again and see where we are.

I've had tremendous difficulty with it.

Because it's not just a pause, it's an end.

It's either the end of a beautiful movie, or the end of season 1 with a cliffhanger.

We don't know yet.

It was a hard but inescapable decision.

We suddenly realised on Sunday that we didn't feel like partners anymore.

Every little disagreement or even major fight we had had up to that point, we were able to resolve beautifully, leading to tremendous insight and growth.

This was different.

We had become too deeply enmeshed, in our efforts to take care of each other, and suddenly there was no more mystery, no more magic.

The spell was broken.

We realised there was nothing to work out, we just needed to be apart.

 

That evening when we called and made that decision, and we cried and thanked each other for being a part of the most magical love story that we could have asked for, I noticed something.

She seemed very together.

She spoke thoughtfully, poetically, eminating wisdom and maturity.

It's the same qualities that I found so irresistable when I got to know her.

The moment I left, they were back.

I don't know what that means, and I decided to refrain from overanalyzing.

Even of creating a story of "what went wrong".

We decided that we will assume that this was supposed to happen, and this is good for us.

Even if it hurts.

 

Could it be good for me too?

I have moments that I feel like utter shit, I have this pit of anxiety and hopelessness in my stomach, and my entire body is contracted and screaming for warmth. In those moments, I just feel a lack of connection, that can be temporarily medicated with YouTube videos, and temporarily relieved by talking to friends. But then it comes back.

If I'm honest, I have always felt like this in December. I call it winter depression. But that label makes it fixed.

I practiced giving that sense of connection to myself.

Holding my own hand.

Hugging myself.

Breathing deeply under a hot shower.

It does help.

 

When grocery shopping, I thought to myself: "This was so much easier when I had someone I loved, to shop for, to bring all this good stuff home to. Someone to think of when picking out food items, asking myself what would make her really happy"

Then I realised: I do have that person.

Instead of shopping for medication (sugary yoghurts, desserts, alcohol), I shopped for what would make future me really happy.

Some cacao, and a small piece of chocolate.

I'm holding my own hand, feeling that sense of connection, and realise I've never done this before.

 

I don't know why I'm feeling like I've been abandoned by a parent. That's for another moment to dissect.

[flowboy]

I'm realising this sense of being lost, far from home, abandoned, hopeless, has followed me throughout my life.

It's popped up in all sorts of moments of uncertainty. Or just in winter, when the days get short and they are way too dark.

But perhaps it has just been amplified by winter and circumstances.

It's always been a companion when I travelled alone.

Let's try something different.

 

3

The disturbance is a profound feeling of being lost, abandoned by parents, forgotten at the supermarket, far from home.

It makes me on the verge of crying.

It upsets my stomach and causes tension and a contracted sensation in the body.

It makes it hard to look around and perceive my environment. The more I sense about my environment, the more sad I get.

Retreating inward is my default reaction to mitigate it.

It is the feeling of being forgotten on a train as a child, riding to unknown, unfriendly places, and being too frozen to ask anyone for help.

It makes me weak in situation where others would be strong.

It totally overshadows my confidence.

It makes it hard to think and see clearly.

 

2

Hi, profound feeling of being lost, forgotten, and abandoned.

I respect how powerful you are.

Why won't you leave me alone?

Because you haven't learnt to live without me yet.

What does that mean?

you know.

No, I don't think I do. I think I am much more powerful than how you are making me feel.

I don't feel that way.

Then how are you feeling?

Like no one's listening to me.

Ok. Let me listen to you then. What is it you want to express?

I feel alone because I was alone.

I feel abandoned because I was abandoned.

I feel frozen because I was frozen.

When were you frozen?

Before. I was frozen before .. time started for you.

Are you saying you are older than me?

Much, much older.

Can you tell me how old?

Ask me what you really want to know.

You're right, I'm sorry.

What I really want to know, is: how do I get rid of you?

I'm sorry that you want to get rid of me. I'm sorry I hurt you. I hurt by just existing. I am in constant pain.

You ignore me in the summer, and then you ignore me harder in the winter.

I'm sorry I tried to get rid of you. I just didn't want to feel the way you are feeling. Guess we have that in common.

What are you here to help me with?

Coping with loss. You have no idea how to cope with loss. You distract yourself. And then when you lose something, you cry one time and then pound yourself on the chest for how emotionally healthy you are.

Yikes, I see what you mean. I guess I just don't like being sad. But I do like learning things and then talking about them.

I know you do, but sometimes it is time to slow down. Take time for yourself. Feel this.

I don't buy it. We do this dance every winter. When are we done?

Never.

What are you here to tell me?

That you can't control anything. If I decide we're not feeling well today, then that's what's up.

What would make you happy?

Listening. Reading me stories. Warm socks. Cuddling in bed.

Sigh. If I give that to you, then can you stop making me feel so bad?

I want you to want to.

What you did today was nice, but it was a manipulation. You think you can just get rid of me, shut me up, by throwing me a bone.

Okay, I think I get it. I want to want to take care of you. But what would help me, is to know who you are?

I'm YOU. I'm the you that you left behind when you wanted to be popular and cool. You pushed me away, and I have been tugging at you ever since.

1

I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I want my mommy. I'm not okay on my own. I'm left here in this classroom with mean kids, MEAN kids, I can't go anywhere for help.

Teachers won't help, they don't care. I've been sent on this school trip and I feel abandoned.

I'm in this foreign place, everything looks unfamiliar and ugly and menacing.

Things look evil. I am ancient. I am the ancient abandonment.

In this lifetime, in this instant, I am living through betrayal by teachers, being sent to survive before I was ready, with a bunch of mean kids I don't understand, with my parents out of reach. I'm being cornered, bullied and ignored, the girls laugh at me for crying. No one cares about me. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home.

* crying break *

Okay kid. We can go home. I take the kid out of his bed, throw away the energy drinks he had in an attempt to be accepted, and hug him. Then I carry him to the front of the living room, where the girl betrayed his trust by making everyone watch him cry. I give everyone a stern talking to, telling them to look in themselves and raise their hand if they never felt sad and out of place somewhere. And it turns into a lovely conversation, where even the bullies come forward saying they didn't mean it that way. But we still go home. He never wanted this class trip. He would much rather play in the forest, with his buddy. So I take him there. There's trees, a goat, one friend, and just nature and his parents' caravan. Space to play and a space to come home to. That's a real vacation for him.

 

 

 

[flowboy]

Okay, now I feel calmer and kind of okay. Also after talking to a friend.

Made myself a hot chocolate.

But still, this winter sadness is majorly impacting my ability to be productive.

This is the last year that I'm just passively letting that happen again.

Next year, I'll go to a warm sunny place.

[flowboy]

What kind of Sunday would Erik like to have?

Hmm.

I think he would like to feel satisfied. Like with a small adventure, such as a hike or a run.

He would like to take it really easy, sleep in, have a slow breakfast with some hot chocolate.

And he would like to feel serene.

I could take care of that for him by cleaning his place for him.

And he would like to feel connected.

I can set up a couple of calls with friends for him.

[flowboy]

satisfied ✅

I borrowed a bicycle and went on an adventure. I cycled along the river and just explored nature and looked at different buildings.

Since the shadow work yesterday, I feel like a new person.

This sense of weakness, of being a lost kid far away from home, has lifted.

Now I'm just a man, having a good time exploring things on his own.

In a sense my situation has always been my worst fear.

Ending up alone, not knowing anyone, in the middle of nowhere, far from home.

And going through that, I have really felt that for the past days.

Buildings looked unfriendly, and everything looked like it wanted to tell me to go the fuck home where I belong.

I took the same walk around the block every day, trying to suppress this sad feeling of being lost.

Today, it's a lot different.

As long as I'm here, I might as well explore the environment! And there is no sense of being an abandoned helpless kid, stopping me from doing that.

I just feel like an adult, having some fun.

There is a lot of energy being freed up. I felt really excited to get on the bike, to take a steep walk uphill through the woods.

I stopped at a closed sports park which had a sheltered bench and a table I could use.

Video called my buddy and we had a great conversation as I smoked my pipe.

Ate a can of tuna, and I was on my way.

I feel almost careful to enjoy this too much, because the anxiety and despair could be back tomorrow. It is still winter, after all.

But I also feel just really proud of who I am, and what I'm doing.

I'm living in this totally unfamiliar country, I hardly know anyone here.

The only person close to here that I know well, I am currently not speaking to.

And... I still feel great.

If this doesn't stop me, what can?

I feel invincible.

easy✅

connected✅

Working on serene. Just came home from hike. Will take some time to warm my feet and then start cleaning.

[flowboy]

 

Here's how to replace good thoughts with bad thoughts, for all you happy fuckers out there!

[RendHeaven]

On 12/18/2021 at 4:52 AM, flowboy said:

When grocery shopping, I thought to myself: "This was so much easier when I had someone I loved, to shop for, to bring all this good stuff home to. Someone to think of when picking out food items, asking myself what would make her really happy"

Then I realised: I do have that person.

Instead of shopping for medication (sugary yoghurts, desserts, alcohol), I shopped for what would make future me really happy.

Some cacao, and a small piece of chocolate.

I'm holding my own hand, feeling that sense of connection, and realise I've never done this before.

I understand this so well.

I suspect ALL egos encounter this sort of haunting loneliness out of self-neglect, it's just that the neglect runs so deep that most of us don't even realize that this is happening.

Some of us are just fortunate enough to be forced to drop the self-neglect by painful circumstance.

It's a fundamentally inexpressible experience, to realize you've been turned away from yourself this whole time, and to finally reorient.

The catharsis of realizing that I'm allowed to direct love at... myself!! Oh man! Unlocking this valve is like hacking life. It makes any previous external validation/affirmation/love-seeking goal look so silly (and yet you have perfect compassion for these past behaviors as well).

It seems that this experience is inexpressible because talking about it to "others" subtly shifts you off-orientation once again, from Whole Singularity to fragmented duality. Though you could argue from a nondual standpoint that there is no distinction between sound and silence, I find for myself (at least for now) that Self-Love is dozens, if not hundreds of times stronger when it is allowed to be implicitly (as opposed to explicitly).

Self-Love is a non-flashy phenomenon. From the outside it looks like nothing. As you actualize Self-Love, nobody will really "get" what's happening to you, even if they catch a whiff of it intuitively.

This makes us all the more lonely in a fleshly sense. But paradoxically this is the most Whole and Fulfilled we will ever be. To be so lonely to the point that we're infinitely connected, together, and happy.

Such a Noble, Intelligent, and Beautiful endgame.

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by RendHeaven

[Preety_India]