Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Why does the majority of people doing a self-actualization journal appear to be nuts? Well, I am one of them now, so I guess I'll find out.

The bad

I have started attempts at implementing habits that I wanted since I was 19. I am 26 now. The years in between I have spent anxious, occasionally depressed, constantly having so much chaos in my mind that I felt I had no choice but run away. Running away meant eating random shit, smoking a lot, drinking, getting caught up in drama, and a LOT of binging TV and youtube. All the while not even being able to get up early for work consistently, or brush my teeth for that matter.

There's a part of me that believes I am 'cursed', destined to live a mediocre life as an unhealthy heavily neurotic lonely person, that I don't deserve to be healthy because I've been a smoker, and I'm lazy, and so on. When I listen to this part, I can hardly get out of bed and I brush my teeth/shower only every few days. Also I never do dishes or clean up, so being at home for me is navigating through the mess, trying to close my eyes to it and distract myself with TV as much as possible.

All this went on while I had relationships and did have my share of social fun. Having people over just means scrambling to hide the shameful uncontrolled mess. I've stayed up entire nights without sleep, trying to force myself to clean up or vacuum. Or cook. My mailbox has 1600 unread messages. I could go on.

I've been diagnosed with ADD. I sought this diagnosis because it fit: in highschool I could spend five hours staring at one math problem, not understanding the words that I read. I wasn't lazy, I wanted to fucking do my homework! I just couldn't bring my mind to it. In hindsight I should have eaten less bread probably, might have helped. Anyway. I've been on and off ritalin and dextroamphetamine many times. It does me no good in the long run. At best it just blindly increases my enthusiasm for EVERYTHING, which does not help me with controlling my focus and being selective at all. At its worst, those medications have altered my personality to not be interested in my partner and turn me in a workaholic, which fucked up my relationship and my health.

My conclusion is I have to face this propensity I have for chaos, and handle it. Without drugs.

The good

In recent months I have been working on my vision, trying to get a purpose clearer and clearer. I have been eating clean(er) and going to the gym regularly, which helped my mood a lot. The past week I've even written down everything I eat, and with that awareness I put on it I was motivated to eat even cleaner. The result has been that some days I have felt AMAZING for like no reason except a good morning routine and no bad food. I don't even need coffee anymore. I have been a non-smoker for almost 5 days now. Things are looking up.

My goals:

• Eat fucking clean. No grains, no dairy, no sugar, no coffee, no alcohol. Drink water, sparkling water or tea.
• Meditate daily
• Concentration practice daily
• Give up TV and read instead
• Keep a life plan/vision, year plan, week plan, and daily schedules. Not knowing what I should be doing is the nr 1 cause of anxiety for me currently.
• Learn some basic yoga asanas. Do this in the morning.
• Increase self expression. I've started practicing public speaking. Maybe I want to start a blog too.
• Learn to drive
• Do prayer, and other gratefulness practices to keep me humble and in flow
• Weight training at least 3 times a week. This is almost an addiction at this point: I need it to regulate my mood.
• Stay a non-smoker
• Formulate a business plan and execute on it. Can't be a wage slave forever.
• Learn pickup. I need this for my soul. I'm tired of making excuses to not talk to a girl

 

So, my intention is to update here on my progress and to keep 'stats' of how many hours I spent on the activities above. Let's see how it goes! I feel energized!

 

 

[flowboy]

Why am I SO afraid to go out?

• I don't want to be confronted with how much I suck
• I don't want to feel like a weird creepy person without social skills
• I don't want to meet a cute girl, then shoot myself in the foot and later have that regret
• I'm afraid to find out that I'll never be any good at pickup
• I'm also just plain lazy and would rather get some sound sleep

All these f**king excuses. But where does it end? How much time do I have to put in, to feel good about my progress?

I have no one to do this together with. My close friends are all in serious relationship mode, buying houses, getting married. I thought I would meet people to go out with. Maybe in the future still.

I used to believe that I just had some wild oats to sow. Now I've slept with at least 30 women in my life. That's nothing. It feels like nothing. And something tells me that it's going to feel the exact same when the number is 200.

So what am I doing this for? Not to reach a certain high score. Pretty sure that in itself won't make me a better human. Or any different at all. My friend has banged at least 100 women. His life is not very together. He can't go to a bar and just talk to girls.

I want the freedom to just be able to talk to any girl and have a reasonable chance of it going well. That's what I want. It's a part of expressing myself authentically. When you see an attractive person, the natural thing is to GO. Go meet them. Instead, many of us are conditioned to do the opposite, and shy away. And then we get weird around them. Is it just me?

Gotta start loving the process...

 

Number of women approached in 2019  : 1
Meditation time put in              : 2h10m
Days without smoking                : 7
Speeches given                      : 1
Days without alcohol                : 7
Days without coffee                 : 7
Days without grains, sugar and dairy: 6

 

Edited January 18, 2019 by flowboy
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[flowboy]

I was planning on going out and doing pickup, so I got some background anxiety 5 hours ago, started laying on the couch watching JRE, and now I'm going to bed. Because I'm a pussy. I guess.

[flowboy]

My self-critical mind is like my ex girlfriend. I can't do nothing right. I started eating right. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I bought a shitload of healthy food. I went to the gym four times a week. You'd think it'd be pleased with me, but no. Now it's something else. I'm a pussy and a loser because I don't have the balls to be hitting on women all the time. And I ate too much dried fruit, was kind of sugar binging.

I can't do nothing right...

[flowboy]

So after I came home from supply shopping (the one task off my schedule I completed) it was an hour later than I had planned. I lost motivation and just kept laying on the couch after dinner, watching JRE. I think two factors contributed to that:

• My schedule was too tight, shopping took 2 hours instead of 1. I must schedule even more time for things. When it's too tight and I lag behind, I lose motivation to follow the plan
• My schedule said "go out and do pickup" at the end. This is such a big scary thing for me, that I'm actually incentivized to ditch my schedule if following it until the end means I have to do such crazy shit. So... Until going out becomes less scary, I should maybe do it earlier in the day, like daygame, so I don't have it hanging over my head the entire day.

[flowboy]

Woke up anxious with a pit in my stomach. I was clenching myself, breathing shallow. And hungry.

Intense monkey mind and panic and sadness. Was it the decaf coffee I drank? The unholy amount of sugary dried figs? Or am I simply lonely? How do I fix that?

I am falling into and old trap again: filling my schedule to the brim with to-do items that have nothing to do with my purpose, forgetting about social things, seeing that as a 'waste of time' somehow, given the size of my to-do list. Yeah, no kidding I feel lonely. I'm prioritizing little meaningless tasks over people. What people? Well, the people trying to contact me for planning a trip with them, for example. It's not like I have no friends

So I think my schedule should contain a task that is meaningful to me, and some time for social stuff. And if doing pickup is too scary for me, I can just go to the bar and talk to nobody and leave. That's an okay first step.

[flowboy]

I did some shamanic breathing, which is often a nice reset when I'm overwhelmed by monkey mind. Had some insights:

I can just ask people to hang out, if I feel like I need some social times. Not like that's forbidden.

I want to go sauna again

I want to go do another Tantra workshop soon

I would feel better with a week plan, so I don't have to think so hard in the morning when I'm planning my day. My goal is to know how much time to spend on what this week, so scheduling is easy, and I can be more present in the moment without worrying whether I'm spending my time right.

I actually would feel quite comfortable with a time-boxed goal like '12 hours of going out per week' (not sure if that's attainable). It would take the pressure off the time going out, so even if it's not going well and I'm in my head, I can still feel like I'm doing the work according to plan.

I have some shame around the fact that I'm spending many days alone. I haven't fully accepted that I'm still figuring out how to live, what the right balance for me is. And that means moments of loneliness and confusion.
I want to have NO SHAME about it. I spend many days alone. So what?!

 

 

[flowboy]

I'm pretty pleased with myself. I went out and challenged myself to find a bar or club and spend at least 30 minutes there. That's it. I didn't have to talk to anyone yet. I could do anything or nothing, except leave until the 30 minutes were up.

Now this became a trip because I happened to pick a bar with only 5 people in it, they all seemed to know each other and were dancing in a circle. I didn't approach the group. This made it immediately obvious that I was alone there. Standing by myself. Feeling creepy. One of the more scary things for me, because it reminds me of being a social paria in high school.

I decided to confront it. With the urge to leave growing stronger, I started to dance. Good thing I had just watched Leo's video on body awareness, and how every emotion or repressed thought manifests as tension in your body. I start to dance.

Feeling massively creepy now. I think I can feel everyone looking at me, the lonely weirdo. Why is he by himself? Doesn't he have friends? Is he a murderer or pervert? I want to look at my phone to look busy. I want to order a drink and stare at it. I want to run away.

I keep dancing and tuning in to my body. Surprisingly, it becomes enjoyable! Because dancing IS enjoyable. If you're doing it for yourself. I'm alternating rapidly between being in tune with my environment and feeling my discomfort flow through me while I dance, and apologetically making weird faces and staring at random points in the room to avoid eye contact, even closing my eyes to run away. Anything to explain my behaviour away. I even consider trying to look drunk/stoned.

10 minutes left. I am nailing this challenge! I start to reframe it. Instead of a creepy loner, I imagine myself as an alpha guy who just felt like dancing and enjoying the music a bit, and doesn't need anyone's validation to be there. He's just there because that's where he wants to be.

I become more secure in my solitary dancing, even greeting new people coming in with a smile. If I am comfortable, truly relaxed, people will feel that off me. I keep consciously making efforts to relax my belly and feel my body, whenever I get tense. It's working. The 30 minutes are up. I leave, completely relaxed, and walk to my bike. Completely relaxed.

 

Now, I could scold myself for not talking to anyone. How is that going to help me pick up girls? Well it isn't, I need to do lots of approaching soon. But I accomplished some cool things:

• Dealt with some anxiety and mindfucks about being 'creepy' when not talking to anyone
• Practiced being comfortable in a club environment. As RSDMax says: Be as comfortable like the club is your living room
• Set the bar really really low for the next time.
  I am in this for the long run. Getting good will take years. So I need to build a habit of going out by myself, sober. I can't build this habit if I expect so much from myself that it becomes too daunting and I give up. Right now, victory is getting over my excuses and getting out the door.

Maybe next time (tomorrow?) I will use another RSDMax quote: "The moment I said hi, I already won."

Number of women approached in 2019  : 1
Meditation time put in              : 2h30m
Speeches given                      : 1
Time infield                        : 30m

Days without:
    smoking                         : 7
    alcohol                         : 7
    caffeine                        : 7
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 6
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 6
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 20

 

Edited January 19, 2019 by flowboy

[Alex bAlex]

Reading through your lines reminds me of the same issues and moments of despair but also about that bliss that you feel during the day when you're just happy because you are.  I like the fact you've got the balls and get out by yourself and do pick up and went into the bar.

41 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I even consider trying to look drunk/stoned.

This made me laugh my ass off :)) 

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

It occurred to me that I still like to eat dark chocolate, so I reset my sugar counter to 0.

That it's a guilty pleasure and is very difficult to get off it. It's an addiction. The only reason I  do not eat dark anymore because the shop across the street has stopped to provide it.  Trying to get off the refined sugar 100% is difficult but not impossible.

 

Anyway, nice writing (feeling like we're in the same boat)  and keep up the good work!  

[flowboy]

Thank you for your encouraging words, Alex! Good to know that someone read it and relates. Motivating, too.

[flowboy]

At Least I Meditated...

Well, actually I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I have been doing my entire morning routine as planned still.

Yesterday I opened up Netflix and binged some Punisher until 3am, so today I'm tired. I'm very tempted to break my no-coffee streak. I still might. For now, I feel pretty energetic still. Could be the microdose of truffles. We'll see what happens.

Number of women approached in 2019  : 1
Meditation time put in              : 3h
Speeches given                      : 1
Time infield                        : 30m

Days without:
    smoking                         : 9
    alcohol                         : 9
    caffeine                        : 9
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 8
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 8
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 22

 

[flowboy]

Did not have to break my no-coffee streak! Chocolate and microdose held me over the entire day. And a good day it was.

Lessons today:

• If you're staying over somewhere else, take extra care for planning how and when to do your morning routine, if you want to be consistent. I was so much in a rush that I meditated sloppily for only 10 minutes, and had to do the visualization and affirmation writing at work today.
• When initiating a group event or effort, you have to get rid of all people who are not motivated/bought in enough. They will bring the whole group down with their doubts.
  I have a history with not reading people's investment right, to find out later that I'm alone in something. Have to screen for investment.

Number of women approached in 2019  : 1
Meditation time put in              : 3h10
Speeches given                      : 1
Time infield                        : 30m

Days without:
    smoking                         : 10
    alcohol                         : 10
    caffeine                        : 10
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 9
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 9
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 23

That's right... I am not doing "NoFap". I touch myself whenever I want, because I'm a grown up. I just don't ejaculate, which makes me feel more energetic and powerful, amongst other benefits.

 

 

[flowboy]

I feel resistance and frustration building, because I've been choosing my morning routine over being on time for work. And because I've been feeling sleep deprived for the days now, and I don't like that feeling. Especially when I'm not allowed caffeine

It's not an immediate problem at work, but I just like the idea of starting early better. That would be a good proof for me that my morning routine works and fits in my life.

Also, I've been rushing my yoga and meditation times, not going as deep because I feel like I have to be somewhere else. This is untenable.

So, I have to start getting up early. It's time, guys. The alarm will sound at 6:30 tomorrow. That time seems for now to be a nice balance between what I think is worth doing and what I think is possible at this moment.

Number of women approached in 2019  : 1
Meditation time put in              : 3h20
Speeches given                      : 1
Time infield                        : 30m

Days without:
    smoking                         : 11
    alcohol                         : 11
    caffeine                        : 11
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 10
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 10
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 24

 

[flowboy]

Got up at 9:50!!

I'm pretty sure I had my eyes open waay before I actually got up, but it's like I'm dealing with a different person, before I get out of bed.

It's like for my day to go well, I have to convince my lazy bum friend to get up early He is worried that he will never ever stop feeling tired unless he stays in bed right now. And he knows that Regular Me will make us do shit when he gets up, and he does not care for it.

I meditated only 5 minutes because I was so late. I've been feeling sort of cranky and confused all day. I blame it on having to rush in the morning. So I have to give myself props for still at least going through my morning routine, but sleep is the next thing to get in order.

So far I have some momentum with "showing up" for the habits that I want, now I need to show up on time. That will mean:

• shopping for an alarm device that I respect more than my cellphone
• sleeping in total darkness and silence (not while watching/listening to something)
• going to bed early enough that I trust I will get enough rest, and with the getting up time in mind

Got up at                           : 9:50

Number of women approached in 2019  : 1
Meditation time put in              : 3h25
Speeches given                      : 1
Time infield                        : 30m

Days without:
    smoking                         : 12
    alcohol                         : 12
    caffeine                        : 12
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 11
    sugar                           : 0
    dairy                           : 11
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 25

 

[flowboy]

Woke up at 10am today. I had set my alarm for 10:30. Why so late? Because I watched TV until 2. Because I was too exhausted to make the right decision. I'm feeling kind of stressed, rushed, constantly, since I've started looking at my tasks regularly, and using a schedule. Since I've started being a Person Who Does Things, essentially. What did I learn from this? Hmm.

• Netflix is too addictive. Better not touch, especially when tired.
• Bedtime is crucial.

My conclusion so far is that being a Person Who Does Things is a tradeoff: more stress, less guilt. I'm more aware of time all day, which makes it harder to have that feeling of really enjoying a moment, without thinking about the next thing to do. And there's less to none self-critical nagging.

Screw it. I'd take that tradeoff any day. And I'm proud of how productive and motivated and disciplined I have been, for the past couple weeks.

Let's not forget that I have another modus operandi where I watch youtube all day, eat cake, smoke cigarettes, jerk off, and drink beer until I pass out. And that was scary recent. What a difference

Had a bit of the panicky-anxious feeling when I woke up. I think I know what that's about: I don't plan my weeks in advance. Which means that every morning when planning my day, I have nothing to go on and too many things to choose from, essentially. What I'm striving for is living while knowing that what I'm doing is according to plan, and progressing me somehow. And it is just a lot of pressure, to plan a single day with ALL the goals and actionable things in mind. Better to assign some hours of working on a goal to some specific days, in advance. So I can go "ah, I do not have to think about this goal today, because I will {read | work out | study driving theory} on Wednesday!"

There will be conflict between trying to get up at a decent time every day, and going out at night. Do I just try to sleep from 4am to 7, and then take a nap later? That seems to be the option that allows me to keep a rhythm. I fear the chaos it will bring.

Got up at                           { 10:30 }

Number of women approached          : 1;
Total infield time                  : 30m;
Total meditation time               : 3h45;
Speeches given                      : 1;

Days without {
    smoking                         : 13;
    alcohol                         : 13;
    caffeine                        : 13;
    TV                              : 0;
    grains                          : 12;
    sugar                           : 0;
    dairy                           : 12;
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 26;
}

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2019 by flowboy
made a whoopsie

[flowboy]

Coffee

I'm starting to believe that there's a mild toxin in coffee. Because when I drink decaffeinated, it still gives me a crash. Dry, sleepy eyes, brain feels a bit overheated and won't process a lot, heart racing and wanting to lie down. Is this the fungus toxin on coffee beans that I thought was a myth?

I don't think Leo ever explained why he recommends staying away from 'all coffee', but I'm starting to get it. I will still allow myself to drink decaf, but I plan to switch to green tea for daily intake.

Am I in ketosis?

Probably not. That would surprise me. There was no noticable period of awfulness. To be fair I have been slowly weaning myself off carb rich foods for the past month, and increasing my fat intake. So maybe I escaped it?

What I'm noticing:

• No more continuous hunger, the need to snack all the time has disappeared
• I don't crave sugar, chocolate even, and cakes don't look that good to me
• I used to be tired after a meal, and wanting to lie down. Now, it's the opposite! Like more fuel was added, so I instantly feel energetic and awake. I mean, logically it makes sense, but it's very confusing when you've had intense "after-dinner-dips" all your life.
• Being hungry is a different experience now. I don't recognize it because it's merely a subtle decrease in mental sharpness. I confuse it with sleepiness. Nothing like the pit in my stomach I would feel when I was eating bread all the time.
• I thought one morning that my breath smelt weird.

I'm fascinated by the keto thing, but I am not striving to be in ketosis at the moment. So I'm not going to buy testing strips. What matters is that I eat things I believe are good for me.

Timeboxing

Yesterday I attempted to calculate how many hours a week/month I should block for which activity/goal. But oh no, it turns out that I don't have enough free hours for everything I was planning on! I don't want to choose between reading books or doing pickup or working on a business plan. They all are important to me.

Neither do I want to do something like having 3 hours a week for pickup, 1.5 to read, 3.5 to work on a business plan, et cetera. That's a good way to kid yourself and accomplish nothing. (There are more things taking up a lot of time, like gym, acting class, public speaking, improv class, driving lessons, et cetera)

There must be sacrifice. What will it be?

Got up at                           : 8:50

Number of women approached          : 1
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 4h35
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 15
    alcohol                         : 15
    caffeine                        : 15
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 14
    sugar                           : 2
    dairy                           : 14
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 28

 

[flowboy]

Got up at                           : 9:20

Number of women approached          : 1
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 4h40
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 16
    alcohol                         : 16
    caffeine                        : 16
    TV                              : 0
    grains                          : 15
    sugar                           : 3
    dairy                           : 15
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 29

 

Leo says in his video about goal setting: "Only 20% of your goals are going to get accomplished, this is normal"

What?! I feel resistance to this idea. I have been feeling all my life like I'm not living up to my own standards, so why would I make that worse by aiming for more than I can accomplish?

I mean, that's what I'm doing. But then I get to estimating how much time to put in, and it is just obvious that there's no way it all fits. Do I just live with a list of goals that is a big fat lie..?

[flowboy]

Last night I could physically feel the confusion of my body about the lack of tryptophan to make melatonin with, laying in bed exhausted but with wide open eyes. Nevertheless... I'm happy to say that I Got up at 8:17 which is a small but significant improvement! And I meditated 15 minutes, feeling less rushed than yesterday. It's all about remembering why in the morning.

[flowboy]

Got up at                           : 7:40

Number of women approached          : 1
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 5h05
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 19
    alcohol                         : 19
    caffeine                        : 19
    TV                              : 1
    grains                          : 18
    sugar                           : 6
    dairy                           : 18
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 32

Today was the first time in 18 days that I didn't have time to finish my morning routine. I think the ketosis is kicking to gear, because even though I was underslept, I had crazy energy and focus all day (compared to my normal), like I was on speed or dexamphetamine. Except that I was not. I was on green tea.

Nailed a job interview. Had a glowing experience when my day culminated in an improv workshop at Toastmasters. Just couldn't stop smiling and felt very in flow. And today is not even a MD day!

Was planning on meditating for an hour while the meat is cooking, but I decided to stop because my brain is quite tired now. I'm proud I did it in the evening, because the morning I had to skip. Consistency

Overall, amazing day!

[flowboy]

Got up at                           : 9:50

Number of women approached          : 1
Total infield time                  : 30m
Total meditation time               : 5h10
Speeches given                      : 1

Days without 
    smoking                         : 19
    alcohol                         : 19
    caffeine                        : 19
    TV                              : 1
    grains                          : 18
    sugar                           : 6
    dairy                           : 18
    Porn and Peak orgasm            : 32

Staying up until 2:30 to slow cook a steak and catch up on meditation was not a good choice. I should have had a quick snack and gotten some sleep.

This morning I was obscenely late for work, only meditated 5 minutes, and still sleepy all day. I have to learn to respect my sleep! No matter how elated I feel.