Intense "Self"-Conflict in Social Situations

[DocHoliday]

This is somehwhat bothering me for quite some time now... I find it very hard to be authentic whenever I meet new people or have to deal with anybody in particular in public social situations. 

I'm always in conflict to put on a social mask of a kind of personality that I know and feel people to like much more, instead of being authentic with them. Whenever I actually am authentic, people always take it the wrong way as they're not used to- or comfortable around a person that is basically a non-person without much ego at all.

Obviously it feels way better to be able to be authentic on my part but I can definitely feel it off of the other person(s) I am interacting with that they're always "weirded out" by that. 

In most cases it is also quite noticeable that when there is more room to breathe for the other person's ego, they are generally glad to use it, and therefore assume that I'm weak or socially beneath them. Of course I don't let them run all over me in those situations, but nonetheless it makes me feel uncomfortable to put up that facade of some persona time and time again only to get by in any kind of social situations and to get a favourable outcome/standing with people so that one can still get what he wants/needs. 

In other words: playing the social game has gotten very old and tiresome and I can't stand doing it. But, since there is a certain necessity to do so, that is what gives rise to the constant conflict on my part. 

So, does anyone have some good thoughts or tips on this? Perhaps some of you have noticed to struggle with the same thing.

[ShugendoRa]

Focus on yourself. 

Be involved in everything you do. Do whatever you want authentic or not just do it with full involvement

[DocHoliday]

@ShugendoRa Thanks, that's certainly a useful tip. The "problem" is that I'm most of the time much more focused on the other person, as I can't help but to see myself in them. Or in other words, I can't help myself but to look past their own illusion of themselves and to see their true self. It's always very very captivating and thus, even more captivating than myself, because there really isn't that much anymore to focus on in that direction. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

55 minutes ago, DocHoliday said:

In other words: playing the social game has gotten very old and tiresome and I can't stand doing it. But, since there is a certain necessity to do so, that is what gives rise to the constant conflict on my part. 

So, does anyone have some good thoughts or tips on this? Perhaps some of you have noticed to struggle with the same thing.

I'm very much an introvert and relate with everything you've written. 

Being around other people I become completely disembodied. I'm not saying that as an out of body experience but I get completely stuck in my head. I become all mental,,, and get swept away. It's very much an ongoing process for me but one practice I work with is 'sensing my feet'. As boring as it sounds, I've come to experience the practicality of it. By inhabiting my body more thourghly my ability for staying relaxed and just simply being present is increased.

Our western Culture idolizes big loud extroverted blowhards who have a way of intimidating introverts weather they mean to or not, it seems. On the other hand, us introverts are often 'aces' at being completely unaffected by awkward silences which makes most extroverts become really unhinged.

Until I run across a specifically pertinent video by Leo, I'll share this one by a fellow introvert,,,,

 

[Jack Walter Leon]

@DocHoliday Yeah, I can totally relate to that since I nearly always experience it when I'm interacting with other people. Personally I hate small talk, I'm just not good at it and it feels so awkward and meaningless. It's not often that one can have a deep conversation, then it's the opposite most of the time. 

[DocHoliday]

@Zigzag Idiot Okay, I've watched the video, thanks for posting it:) Even though I would generally agree that I tend to be more classically introverted than extroverted, that wouldn't even be the great issue. At times I can also be very extroverted, for sure. What bugs me more is the expectancy that people impose onto me and surely other people as well that one has to be or behave a certain way, since they're so used to "being closer to their ego than anything else".

Therefore, when someone comes along who won't fulfill these (social) expectancies and goes totally against the common grain, that's what most just can't deal with.

Edited January 15, 2019 by DocHoliday
Reason for Edit: missing smiley

[DocHoliday]

13 minutes ago, Jack Walter Leon said:

 Personally I hate small talk, I'm just not good at it and it feels so awkward and meaningless. It's not often that one can have a deep conversation, then it's the opposite most of the time. 

@Jack Walter Leon Yeah, I'm totally with you on that I mean I can understand why people want to have smalltalk or even need to do so, since it's a certain way to acclimate on a social level (you know, just like dogs like to sniff on each other when they meet for the first few times), but I'm always like "okay, let's cut the bullshit and get straight to the point, if there even is any". Sadly, this just doesn't work with most people, and to assume that it actually could ,would rightfully be delusional, since there are just sooo many differnt kinds of people that often times just have way different things on their mind than oneself does. So in that sense it really does make sense, but it's petty nonetheless, for sure. 

Edited January 15, 2019 by DocHoliday
Reason for edit: typos and stuff

[Zigzag Idiot]

41 minutes ago, DocHoliday said:

Even though I would generally agree that I tend to be more classically introverted than extroverted, that wouldn't even be the great issue. At times I can also be very extroverted, for sure. What bugs me more is the expectancy that people impose onto me and surely other people as well that one has to be or behave a certain way, since they're so used to "being closer to their ego than anything else".

That's a good distinction. I can relate!

[Anton Rogachevski]

Authenticity is for you, not for them. Give it only to those who are worthy, and do it gently and gradually.

Cheers man!

[Zigzag Idiot]

I lack in skillful means. I needed to hear that. 

Thank you.

[DocHoliday]

@Zigzag Idiot Whatever I did to help you, I'm glad that it gave you some sort of insight 

[nistake]

The same thing happened to me a while ago. I didn't want to be "boring" when I was in a social situation so I thought I needed to put on some sort of mask (it depended on the person whom I talked to) so that the conversation would go smoothly. It went on for some time and it was frustrating. Then one day, I realized that this whole situation was just another facet of my ego. Since then, I don't put on a mask, I don't pretend to be somebody else and it doesn't matter if the conversation is just a random small talk or is about some deep topic. I literally try to stay present as much as I can and I pay attention to the other person. It's not frustrating anymore because my small talk skills have improved so I can small talk to basically anybody and it's even better if I can discuss some deep topic with somebody.

This may not be the case for you but it's just my 2 cents.

[DocHoliday]

@nistake Yeah, what you've described in the first half is pretty much spot on.

I feel like I should just experiment more with being authentic at any cost and letting things unfold naturally instead of attempting to "save" the conversation or interaction with putting on the assumably favourable mask. Because perhaps one doesn't even save as much with that as it first seems to be the case. But then again, in so many cases it simply does save a lot, since in many cases people get noticeably uncomfortable and even scared when there is just stillness and silence instead of what they expect to be there or expect to happen But anyways, I'm gonna experiment a bit now and then we'll see how it goes...

It's exactly like Alan Watts put it in a paraphrased way that one gets that kind of strange feeling, just as if a stone was thrown down a well and one didn't hear a splash. (referring to the lack of [ego]-response)

Edited January 16, 2019 by DocHoliday
Reason for Edit: additional content

[Nahm]

@DocHoliday

Hopefully helpful...when you think about what other people are thinking, you forget you don’t know if other people are thinking. When you feel how they feel, you’ve yet to realize it’s only how you feel. These are the misunderstandings which are making you uncomfortable. 

The authentic self is the most amazing thing to be around - even to pass by on the street. The experience you’re talking about is not of people and things, but consciousness, and it is all responsive, to you. It is not possible that it be otherwise, however convincing it appears.

[DocHoliday]

To everyone who is perhaps going to read this: you are kindly invited to scrap everything I wrote so far, since it was nothing else but a bunch of complaints and a whole lot of whining. 

I now managed to resolve my “problem” and gladly, once again, came to the realisation that nothing is more worthwhile than being truly authentic. A simple experiential reminder is all that it took:) 

@Nahm Thanks buddy, I was just writing this when you posted your post? It’s so distracting when you lose yourself in all those stupid stories and thoughts... really glad that I was reminded once again. 

[Nahm]

@DocHoliday ♥️??

“If you do not fast from the world, you will not find the father’s domain”. Jesus

The ego is so sneaky, it will employ a perspective to trigger tension, simply for the sake of continuation of what the self desires changed. Sadly, we use eachother. Awareness though, ahhh sweet sweeet awareness. 

[moon777light]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Hopefully helpful...when you think about what other people are thinking, you forget you don’t know if other people are thinking. When you feel how they feel, you’ve yet to realize it’s only how you feel. These are the misunderstandings which are making you uncomfortable. 

reminds me of the mirror theory. But how do you get over this? How to get rid of the misunderstandings? Lets say i'm not smiling, because no can smile 24/7, and a person tells me "are you ok?" then i get stressed and feel uncomftorable because i analyze this response as saying that because im not smiling, im not ok. And not 'being ok" is bad. SO now im overthinking holy shit am i not normal because im not giggling like everyone around me on the streets.

I tried being "aware" when i was walking, but i constantly felt pressure looming over my head that i need to be saying something, the silence is too long, etc.

Ps, im half introverted and half extroverted. It depends on the situation. 

1 hour ago, DocHoliday said:

I now managed to resolve my “problem” and gladly, once again, came to the realisation that nothing is more worthwhile than being truly authentic. A simple experiential reminder is all that it took:) 

how did you realize this? I am going through the exact same problem. How will you act authentic without these thoughts distracting you?

 

Thank you guys

[DocHoliday]

1 hour ago, moon777light said:

how did you realize this? I am going through the exact same problem. How will you act authentic without these thoughts distracting you?

@moon777light To keep it short and simple, it essentially just comes down to reclaiming full responsibility and full power over yourself that you would have otherwise given away. Authenticity isn't in need of any confirmation or reaffirmation from the outside or other people. Authenticity is absolutely self-sufficient. I was reminded of that experientially when I met a good friend of mine today whom I haven't seen in a long time:) Our conversation then brought forth again that careless and beautiful authenticity. 

After our conversation had ended I then simply thought to myself how badly I was self-sabotaging by being anything else than authentic all the time. It simply doesn't pay off. There is nothing greater you could reach by not being authentic than simply being it directly -  even though we might delude ourselves in thinking differently at times, you know? As if there would actually be some greater good we would reach by putting on social masks and ultimately relinquishing power over ourselves. I don't know if this helped you in some fashion, but otherwise feel free to ask further questions....

[Salvijus]

Problem is you're too mindful, too full of yourself. Answer is self-abandonment.

You're too mindful means when you face situations your mind is full of opinions, estimations, projections, worries, anxieties, etc... It's just full. What you need is empty. That comes through self abandonment only.

Someone who doesnt think of himself can go into any situation make a fool of himself and come out untouched. People say "don't you care how you look in this situation?" No i don't. 

See, no conflict comes when you don't think anything about yourself. 

 

Edited January 16, 2019 by Salvijus

[DocHoliday]

12 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

See, no conflict comes when you don't think anything about yourself. 

 

@Salvijus True