I need help, I'm unhappy and confused since ego death

[Jack Walter Leon]

I really need help, I honestly do not know if the search for enlightenment still is the right thing for me. I've been in it for a year and a half now that I've had an enlightenment experience, but in retrospect I had more problems with it.

I've been struggling with strong inferiority complexes and anxiety disorders all my life, and I just do not feel right in this world. All my life I am looking for affirmation and people who really understand me. 

When I first experienced a sudden ego death out of nowhere, it was the most liberating feeling I had ever experienced. All my worries were gone, every day was an exciting experience from then on and I just lived the moment. I thought that through this ego death experience I would stay at this high forever. Of course, I was wrong, and gradually I came to the conclusion that I must be crazy. My friends did not understand me and told me that I have to get help. So I was really depressed afterwards and questioned my sanity as that feeling gradually disappeared again after one month.

A few months later I had the same experience again after watching Leo's video about the illusion of free will and the self.  I was on my high again, because everything suddenly made sense again, what I had learned through the videos. At my first experience, I did not know Leo's videos yet. This time I was also able to classify the experiences better, which gave me a sense of security and certainty. In contrast to before I knew this time also that it can only be a temporary feeling, what can be gone the next day. This time the feeling lasted three months until I arrived back in my old reality. Only that this time I felt even worse than before. I can not distinguish what is real or imagined. But I can not just forget my experiences and return to everyday life.

In the end I assume that I have a very weak ego and maybe even fear of the ultimate truth because I am still too tied to my old self. If things continue like this, I definitely know that I can not be happy. Since then I live in a paradoxical condition. I intuitively know that I have no ego or a free will, but I'm even more afraid that my life will go on forever because 'I' can not help it anyway. I'm not even able to meditate for more than ten minutes because my mind always tries to throw me off the track.

My last option would be to try psychedelics right now to finally break out of my old thinking habits, although i'm scared to completely lose my mind. Or I just quit the search for enlightenment and instead believe in my ego, free will and try to adapt to this sick ego society. So what would you guys recommend me to do? 

 

Edited January 15, 2019 by Jack Walter Leon

[Amun]

Hello Jack. I'm sorry you have to feel that way. I don't know what others will say but I don't think psychedelics are a good idea at this point. 

[Forestluv]

To me, this seems like a strong personality dynamic that is uncomfortable and seeks relief.

I would let go of the enlightenment story and put effort into establishing daily practices to relax the mind-body so it can settle down into whatever is happening right now. Yoga, meditation, contemplative journaling.

Human minds have been conditioned and beliefs such as not being goid enough can be deeply rooted. There can be moments in which the personality dissolves, yet the impulses reappear. It can take a while to deconstruct and release. 

You could also consider finding a therapist that resonates with you, or get involved in a community yoga or meditation group that involes spiritual growth.

Psychedelics can completely dissolve the personality and offer a fresh perspective, yet ime the personality reappears and the work continues. After chipping away at it over time, it weakens and eventually it isn’t the biggest show in town anymore.

[Nahm]

@Jack Walter Leon

How does it make a difference, if people understand you or not?

Meditate every morning, and again in the afternoon. Of course the mind is throwing you off track. You’re not well practiced. Your enlightenment experience was without the proper foundation. Enjoy knowing the call for the practices. Most people would really want that. You are very lucky. 

Self inquire, all day, everyday. Keep asking who is this I, and let go of every thought which arises, by acknowledging, that is a thought. Feel for the “me”, over and over. After some number of days, you’ll see that you get to that wonderful “me” in less and less time / inquiry. 

Later, when you have a foundation in place, psychedelics might seem appropriate. You’ll know. 

In a nutshell, you posted “Hey, will someone please tell me to do the work?”

Hey Jack. Do the work. 

 

[cetus]

@Jack Walter Leon Don't put so much stock into what other ppl think. They are not you. You gotta do what feels right for you and you alone. Don't worry about fitting in either. This is the root of the problem. Just as a word to the wise: no need to discus any of with with ppl who don't understand. That's just asking for trouble. "When you care what others think you are their slave"  Wise words from the Tao Te Ching

2 hours ago, Jack Walter Leon said:

I thought that through this ego death experience I would stay at this high forever. Of course, I was wrong, and gradually I came to the conclusion that I must be crazy.

Your mind is heavily invested in this too. That's a problem. It's taking you on one hell of a roller coaster ride for sure.

Get yourself centered at your core being. That part of you that has always been true. Think of an axle and a wheel. You be the still axle at the center while everyone else is stuck riding on the outer wheel going round and round. 

[cetus]

@Jack Walter Leon Pain is an inevitable part of life.
Spiritual practice teaches us to open to pain, to accept it as a part of life. Our suffering comes from not accepting what’s happening in the moment, be it pain or pleasure or peace of mind; from trying to avoid the reality of life. Most of our suffering comes from that place where our personalities have separated from our true selves. We generate all kinds of neurosis to mask the pain and loneliness of that separation.   -Ram Dass

[Sockrattes]

2 hours ago, Jack Walter Leon said:

I really need help, I honestly do not know if the search for enlightenment still is the right thing for me. I've been in it for a year and a half now that I've had an enlightenment experience, but in retrospect I had more problems with it.

I've been struggling with strong inferiority complexes and anxiety disorders all my life, and I just do not feel right in this world. All my life I am looking for affirmation and people who really understand me. 

When I first experienced a sudden ego death out of nowhere, it was the most liberating feeling I had ever experienced. All my worries were gone, every day was an exciting experience from then on and I just lived the moment. I thought that through this ego death experience I would stay at this high forever. Of course, I was wrong, and gradually I came to the conclusion that I must be crazy. My friends did not understand me and told me that I have to get help. So I was really depressed afterwards and questioned my sanity as that feeling gradually disappeared again after one month.

A few months later I had the same experience again after watching Leo's video about the illusion of free will and the self.  I was on my high again, because everything suddenly made sense again, what I had learned through the videos. At my first experience, I did not know Leo's videos yet. This time I was also able to classify the experiences better, which gave me a sense of security and certainty. In contrast to before I knew this time also that it can only be a temporary feeling, what can be gone the next day. This time the feeling lasted three months until I arrived back in my old reality. Only that this time I felt even worse than before. I can not distinguish what is real or imagined. But I can not just forget my experiences and return to everyday life.

In the end I assume that I have a very weak ego and maybe even fear of the ultimate truth because I am still too tied to my old self. If things continue like this, I definitely know that I can not be happy. Since then I live in a paradoxical condition. I intuitively know that I have no ego or a free will, but I'm even more afraid that my life will go on forever because 'I' can not help it anyway. I'm not even able to meditate for more than ten minutes because my mind always tries to throw me off the track.

My last option would be to try psychedelics right now to finally break out of my old thinking habits, although i'm scared to completely lose my mind. Or I just quit the search for enlightenment and instead believe in my ego, free will and try to adapt to this sick ego society. So what would you guys recommend me to do? 

 

Buddha was homeless for 6 years. Jesus was 40 days without food in the desert.

I can resonate with what you're saying. I guess there is no easy way to enlightenment. Psychedelics won't help either. Trust me... they will make it worse. This is the time to heal. Healthy nutrition, sports, love and compassion towards everyone, if you don't feel like socialising don't do it, decelerate as much as you can. Don't care about what others think about you. This one is the really hard part. You can't see i right now and everything feels like, there is no going back anymore. "What happened, will stick with me forever. That's it. my life's over..."

That's individuation. Do what you are comfortable with. Challenge yourself if you want.

Soon you will see whatever happened to you is not as bad as you think it is.

[How to be wise]

@Jack Walter Leon The Work of Byron Katie 

[purerogue]

You just have to stick with it and with time you will be able to deal with any ego backlashes, actually I would suggest for you to come up with some 

very good reasons of why this positive state of mind is the way you want to live, so  you can remind it  yourself after you get back into this negative  state of mind, I know it  is very tricky, because with change of theses states of mind(perspectives) your mind is completely rigged to believe that one side is right, and other is completely wrong, and it seems so true.Just don't  give up , it will not become better from giving up, it will become only worse if you do nothing about it afterwards. 

 

[Arthur]

5 hours ago, Jack Walter Leon said:

In the end, I assume that I have a very weak ego and maybe even fear of the ultimate truth because I am still too tied to my old self. If things continue like this, I definitely know that I can not be happy.

 

Try building up a healthier Ego. That way when you return to it, the sensation won't be unpleasant. Try more general personal development: self-esteem, life purpose, positive habits, good social circle etc.

[ajasatya]

1 minute ago, Arthur said:

Try more general personal development: self-esteem, life purpose, positive habits, good social circle etc

i am writing this comment just to explicit that working out can do wonders.

[Anton Rogachevski]

@Jack Walter Leon  The biggest trouble I see here is adherence to a victim story. It's the attempt to solve problems with thinking about them, but actually the problem is the thinking itself. Don't try to push yourself too hard in meditation, let your mind drift off as long is wants to. Your job is to allow it to do whatever it wants and accept and love it. 

Leave this story aside for while and try connect to what's right for you in the moment. Just do things to make your life less chaotic. Learn acceptance of emotions and self compassion, to heal and get better. When you are better things will solve themselves.

[Jack Walter Leon]

@Anton Rogachevski Yes, you're right, overthinking is mainly my biggest issue. I know it sounds like a victim story, somehow my intuition told me that someone's gonna say that. Anyway, it was relieving just to tell my story on the internet. I just can't talk to anyone else about it. 

[Anton Rogachevski]

@Jack Walter Leon I hope you were not offended. It's very easy to get stuck in such a story. A couple of months back I had a very similar post which I ended up not even sharing cause I saw it for what it was. That's the circular nature of though. It's not a fault at all. 

I'm sorry if I offended you dear friend,

Godspeed!

[Jack Walter Leon]

@Anton Rogachevski No, you didn't offend me, mate, I'm even thankful for every constructive criticism. What I'm saying is that I already thought that I sounded like a victim when I wrote the post. It's definitely something I need to work on. It's good to be sensitive, but I guess in my case it's a bit too much. Anyway, today I just felt like I needed to express my feelings here. My serotonin level is at the bottom right now. Whenever I try to change my life, I fail and I just had another disappointing experience at the weekend. 

[Anton Rogachevski]

@Jack Walter Leon Embrace sensitivity, it's your nature. Acceptance will help tremendously. Sedona Method is king for that.