Relationship Advice, Lack Of Intimicy/affection?

[narwhal]

Hello, first off, thanks to anyone reading and commenting this post, i know it might be long and sorry for bad English.

I(22) have been with my girlfriend(22 for 8 months together. I really like her. I am very emotional altho i don't show it all the time becouse i would end up looking too needy. I have watched all videos from Leo and i try to understand and fix what's wrong. Basicly i want to be happy. 

The "problem" is that i think i'm not getting enough attention from her that i should. Don't get me wrong, we go out together, take lunch, we talk about everything. She is very open minded. But what i "miss" is her initiating and showing more love. At the start we had sex every other day, she called me if i could come over in the morning before college. But now, we haven't had sex for 2 weeks and before that we also had sex once per 10 days and that is killing me. You might say i am needy but f*** i am a man and i love this woman and want to show this love more. I'm not saying i want to have sex every day but like 2 times per week seems normal. Also the sex is great and i know she loves it, i allways give her atleast one or two orgasms and i'm all about her when we have sex. I guess what i lack is her desire or "hornyness" at the begining i thought it might be becouse of the pills but she stopped consuming these. 

I think that if these streaks of "not feeling" loved will continue it's going to kill my love towards her becouse it realy hurts me and sometimes i can't focus on my study and career becouse of that. She looks like she is not afraid of losing me and i think she might take me for granted. At the begining she used to come over to my house but these days i seem to be the only one making the effort comming to her place. I know she has alot of study and work to do (i have too) but i think she should take more time for our intimicy or am i wrong?

I'll be glad to post more info to whoever has any advice for me of what i should do. Change myself? Or talk to her? I know i can't change her, but meybe she can change herself i guess.

 

Thanks

[reez]

@narwhal Hey man! I think you should read "The 3% Man" - Corey Wayne (free on understandingrelationships.com) aswell as "The Way of the Superior Man" - David Deida.

And even if you might have a good sex-life. I would still recommend reading "Sex God Method" - Daniel Rose

[narwhal]

32 minutes ago, reez said:

@narwhal Hey man! I think you should read "The 3% Man" - Corey Wayne (free on understandingrelationships.com) aswell as "The Way of the Superior Man" - David Deida.

And even if you might have a good sex-life. I would still recommend reading "Sex God Method" - Daniel Rose

Thanks

[FindingPeace]

I just want to make a few comments on this post.

1 hour ago, narwhal said:

But what i "miss" is her initiating and showing more love.

Firstly, sex is not love. Love is not a physical thing, it is an emotional/psychological thing. Love is acceptance, respect and empathy for another person.

1 hour ago, narwhal said:

I think that if these streaks of "not feeling" loved will continue it's going to kill my love towards her

If a reduction in physical contact is going to reduce your 'love' then perhaps it's not love that you are feeling. Maybe it's lust or attachment.

1 hour ago, narwhal said:

The "problem" is that i think i'm not getting enough attention from her that i should.

 

1 hour ago, narwhal said:

i think she should take more time for our intimicy

Stop 'shoulding'. You don't make the rules and she doesn't have to follow them. Also stop being selfish and being all 'me me, I'm not getting..'. You're falling in to the same trap as everyone else. Selfish love and self-agendas in relationships. We all do it but it's ass-backwards. The problem is not what she is or isn't doing, but it's what you think you do or don't need. Why are you so desperate for regular physical intimacy. Why can't you have some consideration and patience for her own needs (which may be to have some space).

You should really be asking her about this situation. You don't say anywhere that you have made the effort to communicate with her about your concerns. Communication is important for a healthy relationship and if you really do 'love' her then you will show her the respect of talking to her and listening to her.

1 hour ago, narwhal said:

She looks like she is not afraid of losing me and i think she might take me for granted.

Maybe that's true. You need to talk to her and get to know her more. It seems there are more issues beneath the surface than just your need for sex.

1 hour ago, narwhal said:

At the begining she used to come over to my house but these days i seem to be the only one making the effort comming to her place.

Creating rules and setting expectations. Does she even know this? Have you asked her about it and expressed your concerns? Maybe her idea of a relationship is different to yours.

1 hour ago, narwhal said:

Change myself? Or talk to her?

Talk to her. Open communication is an essential foundation for a healthy relationship. Maybe you won't hear what you want to hear, or maybe you can both reach an understanding. Either way, avoiding talking and telling yourself stories about what she may be thinking or feeling whilst cultivating a resentent towards her isn't going to get very far..

I don't mean to come across harsh or blunt with my reply here. I'm just being matter of fact. It is what it is.

It could be that regular intimacy is so important to you that this relationship will not work for you. So that is a valid outcome. But don't play the criticise and blame game on her. She is her own person, different and separate from you. Don't assume that because you are attracted to one another that you should both conform to the same ideas and needs. If she doesn't satisfy you then she's not the girl for you. There may be someone else better suited to your needs. Or perhaps you just need to have a little patience and more acceptance of her. Either way, you need to communicate with her and get the facts. Then you can take reasoned action.

 

 

[narwhal]

7 minutes ago, FindingPeace said:

I just want to make a few comments on this post.

Firstly, sex is not love. Love is not a physical thing, it is an emotional/psychological thing. Love is acceptance, respect and empathy for another person.

If a reduction in physical contact is going to reduce your 'love' then perhaps it's not love that you are feeling. Maybe it's lust or attachment.

 

Stop 'shoulding'. You don't make the rules and she doesn't have to follow them. Also stop being selfish and being all 'me me, I'm not getting..'. You're falling in to the same trap as everyone else. Selfish love and self-agendas in relationships. We all do it but it's ass-backwards. The problem is not what she is or isn't doing, but it's what you think you do or don't need. Why are you so desperate for regular physical intimacy. Why can't you have some consideration and patience for her own needs (which may be to have some space).

You should really be asking her about this situation. You don't say anywhere that you have made the effort to communicate with her about your concerns. Communication is important for a healthy relationship and if you really do 'love' her then you will show her the respect of talking to her and listening to her.

Maybe that's true. You need to talk to her and get to know her more. It seems there are more issues beneath the surface than just your need for sex.

Creating rules and setting expectations. Does she even know this? Have you asked her about it and expressed your concerns? Maybe her idea of a relationship is different to yours.

Talk to her. Open communication is an essential foundation for a healthy relationship. Maybe you won't hear what you want to hear, or maybe you can both reach an understanding. Either way, avoiding talking and telling yourself stories about what she may be thinking or feeling whilst cultivating a resentent towards her isn't going to get very far..

I don't mean to come across harsh or blunt with my reply here. I'm just being matter of fact. It is what it is.

It could be that regular intimacy is so important to you that this relationship will not work for you. So that is a valid outcome. But don't play the criticise and blame game on her. She is her own person, different and separate from you. Don't assume that because you are attracted to one another that you should both conform to the same ideas and needs. If she doesn't satisfy you then she's not the girl for you. There may be someone else better suited to your needs. Or perhaps you just need to have a little patience and more acceptance of her. Either way, you need to communicate with her and get the facts. Then you can take reasoned action.

Thanks for the comment. The "me" part is becouse i support "her" all the time, if i start playing games and be less responsive, like she is sometimes she asks me what's wrong. I told her this several times and she allways said she sometimes "forgets" about me becouse of the work and stuff she has to do and tells me that i should allways tell her when i feel this way. I told her that several times allready but i don't want to end up being needy. She said 

 

Thanks

[Steph]

Hi there. First of all, I appreciate your honest post. I think that as a guy it is not strange to have more need for sex than women. However, as Finding Peace states, sex is not the same as love. She might have a different idea of love and of how it is expressed. I struggled with similar issues (i.e. me wanting more sex with my partner) and when I talked to her about this I realized that sex does not have the same role for her as an indication of love as it has for me. What I found really useful is to read the book of Chapman - The 5 Love Languages. It is really clear on this fact that people interpret love in different ways and see different things as expressions of love. For you love might be physical contact / sex, but for her it might be having quality time with you or talking openly with each other.

What I would really suggest you to do is to talk to her, specifically on what love means to her. You will most likely see that you interpret love and your relationship very differently than she does, which is not strange. What is important that you realize this difference in perspective and that you respect each other's needs. What I would then also suggest is for you (both) to read the book and see if it helps you. It really gave me great insight and it might help you both and your relationship as well.

[narwhal]

This is what happened, what i learned.

Hello again, i just wanted to post what happened, my thoughts since we had "the talk" with my girlfriend. I can't describe to you how relieved i was after the talk. 

 

So basicly, she said yes she did take me for granted and that caused her showing less affection than she actualy had. And that caused anxiety in me and i started disrecpecting myself. I was completely different person. Not the person she fall in love with. I became affraid i will lose her and that caused "games" from my side to start. She is buisy alot with work and college and she just shuts her off so she can concentrate to goals and that shut down caused even more anxiety in me becouse i thought she doesn't like me anymore. I can see it clearly now. Yesterday when we had the talk it was the first time we talked completely openly to eachother. We never have argued and that caused problems becouse we wanted to be nice all the time and not tell stuff that bothered eachother. Basicly i fell totaly in love with her and i became a pussy. She says she still loves me but we agreed we need some time apart, couple of weeks. She was very emotional and she was crying. She said she is going to call me if she won't be able to take the pressure. I know there is the "no contact" rule if you want to forget her which i currently began to start. I deleted my snapchat, instagram, i have hidden her facebook posts from myself (not blocking her) becouse i belive if i don't think about her is the only way i can let her go or become self reliant and a f***** man. So basicly what i learned is that you have to be yourself all the time, good bad, you have to accept who you are. When i think about what happened i realize that i knew this was comming but what i can see now is yesterday i just came out of car and said "you don't want to be with me anyymore right?" and now i can see how i completely had a different picture of what was going on. She probably didn't even want to leave me yesterday, she might just need the talk we had. However after we did agree to just pause it and see eachother when we are ready. We didnt comunicate in realationship and that caused everything going wrong. I learned alot. 
 I don't know why but i just wanted to write this here. Meybe a reminder for myself next time.

I havent slept today. I can't eat. I went for a run and did some workout. Now i am commited to college and my tasks. I'm trying best to concentrate on work, need to find myself again. I was lost last few months. 

 

If she calls ofcourse i will answer. (or no?).

Thanks.

 

 

Edited April 23, 2016 by narwhal

[narwhal]

My enlightment

One more update: I realized that i've been addicted to approval for my whole life. I realized that and my life is alot better now. It's funny now when i read my posts how unaware i was. But then again we are unaware that we are unaware  It hit me when i send the mail to my girlfriend and then started the anticipation, the waiting period. I thought it's going to take her atleast a month to reply. She replied after one day. And i just felt this relief, this "hit", "shot" of approval and i literaly had a picture in my mind of a needle going into my veins. And i felt great, but not for long. You can never get enough of the drug, never enough of approval. I realized i am addicted. I never thought this even existed. I was very very unaware altho i have watched all of Leo's videos. I watched the adiction videos,  watched the video that aplied most to me: How to stop caring what people think of you. I watched it 2 times today and i became to understand. I became aware. I know i am probably still unaware but it is a progress. I realized i was pleasing everyone in my life just to get that "hit" of approval. Even if i didn't like the person i wanted them to like me, to see me as being something special. I cared too much. I was destroying my life and my potential without even realising, i thought i am amazing. I realy realy see now how bad this addiction is (i still am, it will take time and alot of conciusnes to overcome it and it will not be easy). I think it is literaly as bad as if i was a hard drug adict, i think these "shots" are very similar to thos altho i never tried any hard drugs. 

If i look back on my life, i see why this came up now. I was a video games adict for most of my life, now i see it wasn't the games i was addicted to. I was addicted to approval of my friends and online friends who would confirm that i realy was the best player or that i realy was good. If you ask my friends that used to game with me (real life friends) they would tell you that i either play or not but if i play i have to be the best. I have to spend 10 hours on that game just to acomplish being the best. A year ago i stopped playing video games becouse i realized that they were destroying my life and potential. But with me stopping with video games, i lost the approval i got from them. So i had to search for that "hit" somewhere else. Then i met my girlfriend, it was good on begining becouse of the butterflies and becouse i would get approval al the time in that phaze but then, i got less and less "hits" and not becouse she wouldn't love me anymore but just becouse that's how it works, you try alot more on beggining of realationship. But i still needed that fix, i needed approval, it was craaaaving in my body but i didn't realized what that crave actualy is. And that caused the realationship to fall apart. I am very happy that it happened. If i never met that person i might stay stuck in life forever, searching for my next fix of approval. We have a pause now. I realize we might break up and that is most likely going to happen but i am more relieved than ever. She understands me i started expleining to her what i explain here but we need a bit more time, i need more time. 

I guess this is my enlightment story i wanted to share with you. It's a small step but it is a step forward. I would just like to thank Leo for his awsome videos that helped me understand, to open my eyes, open myself to the world. I still have to be careful not to fall in the same trap again, but i will do my best.

Thank you

Edited April 24, 2016 by narwhal