Suggestions on next steps after breakup

[ContemplativeCacti]

Hello everyone,

First of all I just wanted to say how amazing this community is! I have been lurking for a while on the forum and being able to see discussion on a variety of these topics is refreshing.

As suggested by the title, I have recently come out of a 4 year relationship that ended with me breaking things off with my ex. She is an amazing person values wise but she had let herself go as well as dealing with an array of issues such as severe anxiety, depression, etc. I also have a variety of issues to work through before entering a new relationship such as being more trustworthy, having more self esteem, etc. It has been about a month now since we broke up and I cannot seem to shake the idea that I should be seeking out new women to interact with the hopes of getting laid. It is worth noting that I have been doing no fap for the last 4 or so months but this month has been exeptionally difficult given that I am not having sex.

My question is this, is it wise to give into the egoic gratification of chasing sex and getting more experience or should I channel that energy into developing myself and later seeking a new relationship?

I know these two could happen in unison but I am worried about the systemic negative recourse of doing pick up for sexual satisfaction as I do not see a way to pursue sex and also a regression of ego.

Thank you all in advance.

[Shadowraix]

I've never done nofap but from my understanding it is about self discipline to not become a slave to your lust. Lust is something to be managed or else it might skew your intentions. 

You can give into it if you so choose to but do you think it will do you any good? And also what would that say about your ability to become content with how you feel instead of running away from it? (Sexual gratification desires is something I need work on too)

If you do go for gratification do a one night stand or something. Getting into a relationship out of lust could backfire.

Edited January 12, 2019 by Shadowraix

[Spiral]

Everything in moderation, including sex. A inherent problem with pickup is that you activity pursue sex. It’s better to go out in order to have fun. I’ve found that if you honestly do you’ll end up talking to some girl somehow.

[bejapuskas]

Notice how you have to enter the fantasy world in order to feel the lust... Most people don't need to relapse so many times, but they still do, because they are pleasure seekers. Being a pleasure seeker is not worth it, so much of your energy fades away when you ejaculate, you can probably feel that.  

[ContemplativeCacti]

These are all useful insights thank you! I suppose I just need to be more content with spending my time and energy developing the best me I can and then being honest about what I seek if the opportunity presents itself with a woman. I will just need to ensure she is on the same page if that does happen and not seek a relationship that I would not be ready to enter.

[Privet]

I think responsible casual sex (with someone who won't get hooked on you) is fine if you don't have to move your ass for that too much or sacrifice more important things.

Although the quality of that sex is questionable, cause if there's no chemistry it's like meh. But at least it's worth trying to realize that it's not worth it and stop daydreaming about it.

Believing that you have to become a macho is a trap of low self-esteem. You just need to be able to attract someone for relationships.

Edited January 12, 2019 by Privet

[wavydude]

3 hours ago, Privet said:

I think responsible casual sex (with someone who won't get hooked on you) is fine if you don't have to move your ass for that too much or sacrifice more important things.

I think that's lying to yourself, eventually people get "hooked" it's human nature, even chemically you bond. It's like trying "responsible" binge eating so you dont get fat 

[Privet]

@wavydude Everyone has different potential for developing dependency. Responsible means both of you are able to deal with this factor productively.

[aurum]

@ContemplativeCacti

It really depends on what you want.

A lot of people are more promiscuous after a breakup. That can be healthy. You have to know "you" and what your goals are.

[ContemplativeCacti]

@aurum  That makes sense, I suppose the biggest reason I seek out sex so quickly is that I feel that I have not had enough intimate encounters with varying women in my life, and have never been single and confident enough to get with women without immediately getting into a relationship.

I want to have sex but I know that the instant gratification of a one night stand is fleeting and could be better spent on myself. I know I still have some stage orange hang-ups and I wonder if I should fully embody this stage by fufilling this urge or bypassing this subsection of the orange stage.

[aurum]

29 minutes ago, ContemplativeCacti said:

I know I still have some stage orange hang-ups and I wonder if I should fully embody this stage by fufilling this urge or bypassing this subsection of the orange stage.

Since you probably don't know, part of my background is that I've actually spent a lot of time doing exactly what you're talking about.

To me, nothing gets solved through bypassing and suppression. Actually allow that desire to express itself without resisting it and then you have a chance of going beyond it.

Too many spiritual people want to act like they're "above it" and skip the process. You're not.

34 minutes ago, ContemplativeCacti said:

I want to have sex but I know that the instant gratification of a one night stand is fleeting and could be better spent on myself.

I get that. But here's what you're not seeing.

Getting those one night stand is a lot, lot harder than you probably realize. Especially if this:

35 minutes ago, ContemplativeCacti said:

have never been single and confident enough to get with women without immediately getting into a relationship.

is your background.

So I've never looked at it like I was just going out to score a bunch of one night stands. There was always an element of personal development behind it.

I would challenge you to actually become that guy. Then if you don't like it, you can disown the whole thing after you've actually gotten some results.

[ContemplativeCacti]

@aurum That is some good insight, thank you!

[Good-boy]

Wild orgies