Isolating myself as i progress on my path

[solr]

This is probably way to personal but whatever. I've never seen anyone openly talk about this because people need others to see them as "good". I recently had a mystical/enlightenment experience and after that I kind of struggle to integrate it. Expecially when it comes to relationships. I feel like I'm batshit crazy. Like I'm self inducing psychosis. And I just can't seem to relate to people. I find no interest in the conversations & gossip. I don't feel like I'm better than anyone, but I legitematly see no value of socializing. I find it time consuming, draining & awkward. 

... Yet at the same time, I find myself very lonely because I've basically cut off all of my old friends, boyfriends etc. Even though I have a lot of options and LOVE sex I don't want to have it with someone I can't deeply connect with.

I also live in a different city than my family because I've created my dream job here..

After that mystical experience I feel like a lot of old trauma, resentment & anger is surfacing. Make no mistake, I know you're not enlightened after one or two mystical experiences, it is thousands of them to be had.. And I feel like you can have deep insights, mastery even, in many aspects of life, while still being utterly toxic in intimate relations. And if you don't work on that... Well, that's how zen devils & cult leaders are made as Leo once said??‍♀️ 

I genuinly feel like I'm a shitty person to be close with, because I have such a huge, narcissistic ego that's packed with fear due to bullying and isolation.

And that is also a reason as to why I isolate myself. I have such high standards regarding compassion, love, kindness & I know I'm not living up to it. I don't want to be a toxicity or a source of suffering in anyones life. 

I don't even know what I'm rambeling on about. I just quit alcohol as well, and like... The only arena in my life where I actually felt like I fit in with the group is gone. The alcohol just turned off my brain and I really felt like I was just like the rest. And I AM like the rest, I'm not special, but I still feel like a complete outsider... 

Have anyone been through this? I would appreciate advice <3

[Arhattobe]

@solr Absolutely. With excuses, justifications, a sense of superiority that will inevitably develop in our quest for liberation. 

Couple that with extreme mystical experiences, not having any sort of “stable” reality because your reality is crumbling + extreme fears and other emotional trauma being released (conscious and unconscious) 

& well. Let’s just say extremely unhealthy attitudes, behaviours and relationships. 

I for one alienated people, grossly devalued their “reality” at times and as a consequence became unable to see them, acknowledge them, and etc. I genuinely hurt many I wished to help due to the everything I mentioned.

 & as a result Alienated friends, family, and students I once had.

Please don’t make the mistakes I made. Don’t seclude yourself in extreme states, mystical or emotional. Let your humanity and those you love ground you.

[purerogue]

I understand your concerns, for me it is not a problem, if I feel like socializing I am  going for it , if it does not feel right at this moment , I don't.

For me personally socializing is more of a play, there is none I know with whom I could have conversation on any of this and I do not really feel like I want  , or need  to talk about it, just what is happening is good enough for me. 

[zambize]

Yeah I had some psychosis and loneliness after some early enlightenment experiences.  I had just about maximally narcissistic thoughts, I wanted to be the most advanced person spiritually to have ever lived.  Well it's not to say I had that deep desire but those are the kinds of thoughts I had. I had this limiting belief and still do a bit but I see the idiocy in it that if I allowed myself to be too happy I would become complacent in my progress.  This isnt true, as I love myself more and more I've become a better person in life, to other people, on these forums, everywhere and I feel like I have almost limitless spiritual willpower.  I spend almost every waking moment working through repressed emotions and having a lot of fun doing so. Maybe you see no value in socializing because you think that all there is to do is churn out spiritual practice and get more and more insights and shit, but value doesnt exist, you can assign value if you want but its just a word and not something fundamental to the universe.  The world is your sandbox and your free to pursue whatever you want, seeking enlightenment is a choice. In terms of your huge ego, I still have one, and it may be even bigger.  But it's not taken seriously, and if it ever gets in the way of my desires to love and self actualize, it gets pulled back.  But I don't try to cover up its narcissistic thoughts, I cant choose my thoughts or desires and neither can you. Let those thoughts pour out and they will correct themselves over time, if you have this attitude of this big bad ego, then everytime you have an egoic thought, you push it away and never give it a chance to work itself out, same with emotions.  I'm by no means advanced but I really sympathize with a lot of what you said, and I really think you're on the right path.  Let your thoughts and emotions work themselves out however seemingly terrible or egoic, I still think about slitting my throat every once in a while.  Also your relationships get better, all of mine have, it's just a phase.  You're not crazy, you're aware of the crazy, and it seems like you're on the right path

Edited January 7, 2019 by zambize

[Salvijus]

Yeahh.. Being a scource of misery is not fun

I think you already know what you should do. To become a source of joy and blissfulness ?

Edited January 7, 2019 by Salvijus

[Zigzag Idiot]

@solr Your ability to be objective about yourself is a huge plus.

 

10 minutes ago, Arhattobe said:

Please don’t make the mistakes I made. Don’t seclude yourself in extreme states, mystical or emotional. Let your humanity and those you love ground you.

I agree with a what you say but I think there are two sides to the coin. I think for some, especially more introverted types, isolation from the world and people is very necessary at some stages for integration and shadow work.

@zambize ? I like you.

[Anton Rogachevski]

Sounds like you are on a good path, Imporving your relationship with yourself. I resonate with a lot of what you talk about. It's hard to find friends that are also as serious with this work, people like you are actually very rare, which is good news, cause you are super evolved.

I'm going to these groups, and even though they might not be really advanced (stage green), the sense of union and shared goal is healing the loneliness and allows me to learn about forming healthy realtionships (which I totally need.)

Good luck on your path,

Cheers.

Edited January 7, 2019 by Anton Rogachevski

[Arhattobe]

@Zigzag Idiot Just be wary of the traps:) 

[Zigzag Idiot]

@Arhattobe ? Thanks, I try to. But like most everyone else. Self deception in myself is often observed in hindsight.

[Arhattobe]

Sad but true lol

[Privet]

3 hours ago, solr said:

Have anyone been through this? I would appreciate advice <3

I'm very isolated due to the same reason as well, also I live in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't find any legitimate spiritual community in my city. You just can't help it, there are very little people with whom you resonate once you understand what you understand.

Here's my advice:

• Find spiritual friends on retreats, seminars etc.
• Use loneliness as a purification tool, cry the shit out of your eyes until it doesn't hurt anymore. You can literally meditate on the sense of loneliness, that's just an emotion, don't fight it, let yourself suffer, because there's no way around anyway.
• Dive deep into psychotherapy and investigate your unconscious patterns if you want to improve your relationships with people.
• The only legitimate partner in such a situation is the one who is genuinely interested in the same thing. According to what you write you just don't hang out in circles where you can find one.

That's just the beginning, there's more to loneliness.

Edited January 7, 2019 by Privet

[VictorB02]

@solr self love, and allowing yourself to go through the waves of growth is really all you need. A wave always has a high point and a low point, all you need to really do is just be aware that you are at a difficult time in your development and the high point is right around the corner! 

As far as not socializing, I don't really think it's that big of a deal. Because in actuality, you only have one life, and this one life is composed of what you decide to create with your time here. If people are draining you from your work or just draining you in general I do not see a problem with taking as much time as you need to be alone to grow.

[solr]

Thank you everyone for your answers <3

[Joseph Maynor]

Keep participating on here.  People will chime in to help you.  

[Krzysztof]

Here is a question: if people around you were passionate about the topics you are passionate about, would you still isolate yourself from them?

[noselfnofun]

@solr Yeah I have definitely experience this, so easy to get a superiority complex as you start to understand life better and see others still stuck in a hamster wheel. Being able to relate to others and have compassion for them is definitely a major part  in spiritual development so don't hide from socialising because of fear.  You could try and see socialising as its own practice, try and loose your self concerns when interacting with others and see if you can relate to where people are coming from in there own journey in life. One massive realisation I had is that most people are suffering and just trying there best. We are all in this together. Its been refreshing reading this post seeing that others have also go through this. One of my teachers Rupert spira is really good at integrating his spiritual understandings when relating to others, he says its an art form in its self.  Like others have said self love and compassion for yourself and others are key here. Your on the right path keep going