I'm a father who abandoned his daughter

[Tightrope Walker]

Ok, this is gonna be a long story, I feel like I need to write it all down. My deepest thanks to each one who is gonna read the whole thing. 

When I was 24 years old, my father died. I had just been discovering new faces of truth, taking shrooms and reading about ego and stuff, and I became depressed to understand how I had misled my life until that point. Then, he passed away at 52, as a result of a neurotic life where he had many addictions and a condition of being a pathological liar. I even got to meet three siblings that he managed to hide for more than 15 years.

So, I saw the opportunity to actually do what I would never do but I deeply wanted to do: after I finished college, I took a backpack and went on a long trip as a musician on the road through three countries and more that 30 cities. It was quite awesome for a while and I felt quite thrilled, but at the same time I resented my parents so much, because I felt psychologically very ill, and I blamed it all on them, so I wasn't exactly dealing with that wound very wisely.

After nine months of travelling, I met a girl and she really fell in love with me. I was just very happy to be having sex with her because she was a sexy, young, foreign girl that I liked. And sometimes it is difficult for me to get the amount of sex I would really like to get. However, for her it was more than just sex: she fell so in love that she left her group and joined me in my trip. All my egotistical brain could think was "this will be fun for me", but I wasn't measuring the possible consequences. I wasn't having enough empathy to realize that she had very different feelings.

To make it short, after a month or so, she became pregnant. At the same time, I had developed a rare condition in my ears, they were hurting very bad, progressively. I thought it would go away but it was getting worse. When I found out the news that she was pregnant, I considered the possibility of moving in to her country in order to take care of the child while forming a band there and starting a music career. But I was very worried about the pain in my ears, so I sent her to her country and I went to Peru to see a Shaman. 

We had some intense ayahuasca ceremonies, there was a particularly pleasurable one, and a particularly unpleasurable one. As the pain wouldn't go away, the Shaman said I should see a doctor. So, after a year and a half of having left my country, I went back and I saw a doctor. He told me I had developed Hyperacusis, a rare condition that they didn't know much about. He told me there was no cure and that I should just stay away from noise and endure with the pain. 

I felt all hope fading away, and my heart breaking into a million pieces. That was the moment where my worst depression period started. I seriously considered killing myself. I had felt like killing myself many times before, but this time, I was doing some research on how to do it in the quicker and less painful way. To me, my life was over, I had been an irresponsible fuck who got a girl I didn't even know pregnant, and I couldn't even talk because the sound of my own voice made me dizzy, as my ears had become extremely sensitive. It hurt like a motherfucker.

I had a friend who supported me and told me I should find a way to still make music, even if I went deaf, if that was my true desire. He told me that if I was really willing to end it all, then, I didn't want to live as a musician that much. So I accepted the support from my friends, because my family couldn't really support me, not economically, not emotionally. Some of my friends gave me a place to sleep and be alone, away from the noise. As it turned out, I slowly started playing again, because I really do love that so much. But I had to use ear plugs, and I couldn't sing because I felt like my head would explode.

One of my friends got me a job as a receptionist in a hostel during the night shift, where I could be in silence and have at least some money, because I couldn't even buy me food. After some time, the pain was getting more endurable, and hope was slowly starting to come back. But I was also becoming anxious because my daughter had already been born and I had missed that. So, I took a risk and started playing in a band again, taking some precautions for my ears (I still do to this day).

I had a fight with my mom, for the first time ever I yelled at her and told her to go fuck herself. Of course, I'm not proud at all of having done that, but I'm not gonna lie either: that was the moment when I truly felt my resentment toward her fading away. However, after that I had to find a place to stay, and luckly, I was now able to afford one. 

Shortly after having moved in to my new room, and after having watched Leo's no-bullshit guide to meditation, I started meditating, and a serious project in a band with one of my friends that I mentioned earlier (the one with the advice about my true desire). My plan was to raise enough money in order to move to the country where my daughter lives, and be with her. But as time went by, we made an album, we had some succesful presentations in our city, my ears were slowly getting better (I didn't believe that to be possible, specially after having read so much discouraging information about hyperacusis on the internet) and I realized that, as shitty and egomaniac as I may be, I really didn't want to be father, I just cared for music. I was planning to move close with my daughter, but it was out of guilt. In my heart, I hated the possibility of having to raise a child I didn't even want to have in the first place, with a girl I really didn't love, or even know that well.

So, I told her that as soon as our band would make it, and I had enough money, I would go and finally meet my child (who by then was already turning one year old), and support her, at least economically. I asked her for patience. Me and my friend (and his family) moved to a neighbor country, because ours was falling apart and it was becoming impossible for musicians to thrive there. Most of my fellow musicians who stayed have already turned it into a hobby, or live in poverty, with just a few exceptions, who nevertheless need like three jobs to make ends meet.

I have been living in this new country for more than two years now, and the band hasn't "made it" yet. According to my friend, it is my fault. And he's probably right. My daughter now is three years old, and her mother still waits to get some support from my part. But I feel rejection. In my mind and according to my supposed principles, this is wrong and I'm and irresponsible fuck, but those are my true feelings. I hate that I got her pregnant and I regret it so bad, I wish I could turn back time. It feels like it's gonna hunt me for the rest of my life. Even though most people in my social circle don't know about this (only my closest friends and relatives), I feel the guilt and paranoia inside my mind that everybody's gonna hate me. A couple of days ago, the band was on national TV. As it turns out, the TV channel airs in her country too. My daughter's grandmother watched us, and she got really angry. She wrote to our facebook page asking when am I going to support my daughter. 

I wanna be really honest with you guys, sometimes I even forget I have a daughter. I go weeks without even sending a message. Her mother asks me to call her, to be present any way I can, even if I can't physically go there. And I agree with her, but then I just... forget. I don't know, I don't really seem to care about it, even though I believe I should. And I can't have respect for a person like that. I hate myself. But at least I don't hate my father anymore, how could I? He traumatized the shit out of his children, but he was still present somehow. Sometimes I wished he wasn't though. Likewise, I find myself such an egotistical sick fuck that I actually believe my daughter's better off without me.

I've been following actualized.org for almost three years. Thanks to Leo I started a daily meditation habit two and a half years ago, and it made wonders for me. I'm still a sick shithead, but I feel like I was so much worse. However, I have reached a point where I do realize I have been neglecting my problems, ignoring them, and just messing around without achieving any actual deep purpose. Almost three years have passed since we started this band, but we haven't made it, I haven't worked hard enough, and to be completly truthful, sometimes I just indulge too much, smoking weed all day and doing nothing productive. I supposedly took all this time away from my daughter because I cared so much about music and I was so thankful to be able to do this after my health issue. But my actions don't show that. I stare at the mirror and I see a phony. And I see a future where things happen to him, things that happen to all people like him sooner or later: the day he gets to pay for the consequences of his acts.

I'm not at peace, and I don't know what to do. I try to change but I end up following the same old patterns, again and again. I try to quite my bad habits, I get success for two or three months, then I go back and never try again for years. I have these thoughts in my mind about what should be the right thing, but my feelings tell me otherwise. 

For the last couple of weeks I've been thinking stuff like I have already failed, I should probably just go to her country and take care of her, maybe find a 9 to 5 job, even if I don't want to, because here, I'm not actually doing anything important. I'm just delaying stuff in order to pleasure myself, and one day, it will be too late to correct that. But the minute I seriously consider it and start planning on it, I feel a loud "noooooo" inside my mind. Is that my ego? Should I just go against it? Should I sacrifice my own desires for my daughter? After all, she's an innocent child and did nothing wrong, and to this day she hasn't even met her father in person.

It's just that... I suspect that this girl got pregnant and did it all on purpose in order to attach me to her. And she succeeded. Sometimes I hate her because of that and I don't want to talk to her ever again. And I don't want to be in her country, I really don't, I just want to live as if nothing had happened, but it's not gonna be possible, deep down I know it. After all, I did it all to myself, I could have been wiser, smarter, more empathetic, more clear about my true purpose. Even if I couldn't have been all that, I could have just used a fucking condom. So I probably deserve to deal with the pain of sacrifice because of my stupid thoughlessness.

So, what do you guys think a true actualizer would do? What would be the most conscious thing to do, the highest decision, the shreya. Your opinions are very important to me, this is a beautiful community and I thank in advance to each one who took the time to read this and drop their opinion here. I need to take a decision, and your opinions will be really useful for me. 

Thank you all.

Edited January 6, 2019 by Tightrope Walker

[Hardkill]

I am so sorry about all of this, man. You seem like a fundamentally good person.

Has your ear condition gotten any better?

Unfortunately, this is too complicated for me to answer well, but I truly feel your pain. I think that has to be some way to be able to do both your desires and be with your daughter. 

Some experts on here who are more qualified than me, should give you much better responses. Hang in there, man.

[Tightrope Walker]

@Hardkill Thank you for your support, it does make me feel better that you think I'm not that bad of a person after all, I really do apreciate that

My ears never got to be the same again, but  they're so much better. As I long as I take good care of them and not expose them to overwhelming noise, I'm able to keep making music, so I'm very thankful for that.

[Shadowraix]

A lot of advice here will reflect where our desires lead us. I'm going to try to give you advice that can be applied relatively to you. Don't worry about trying to be the most conscious person or the most good person.

What are your desires? Don't be more conscious than you already are. The goal here is for you to act in a way that reflects where you are in life. We aren't going to take the same actions as some guru because we aren't gurus. You are you so while you can take in advice to consider the best choice should be a reflection of what you desire in life.

Your past will haunt you if you don't put in effort to become content with it. Your past is in the past it is not in the present moment you are experiencing. Love your own ignorance, love your own doings in your past. Love yourself so that you can take in your experiences and and continue to change. Holding grudges on yourself will set you back. Ultimately you not being at peace is resistance so acceptance must be practiced here.

Moving there when you are resisting currently is just an attempt to run away from your resistance instead of tackling it head on. Would you move if you were perfectly content in your current situation? Or is your desire to do this only to run away from your current discomfort? What does your intuition say? Its very easy to stray off path of your goals if you consistently run away from discomfort.

My advice would be you still have a lot for you to work on. Do you want to help raise somebody before you have your shit figured out?

[zambize]

I really think you have to meet her, talk with her, show her some love.  Maybe the mother is at fault too, but you have to end the cycle.  I don't think you're a bad person, there are so much nastier people out there than you.  Are you afraid of going there because you don't want to confront the potential damage you've caused to this little girl's life?  Are you afraid that she will get attached to you as a father and you just won't be able to step up to the plate and be the father she needs?  Do you think she is better off without you?  These are hard questions you have to ask yourself, sometimes I notice that when I don't feel the desire to do something that I know I want to want to be doing, it's because of conflicting desires or concerns like these.  I think you have to deeply think about the consequences for you, the woman you got pregnant, and the daughter, and exactly what you feel you need to do.  

 

On a side note, feeling bad about your past mistakes does no one any good.  You can believe you're a shitty person, or you can believe you're not a shitty person, but at the end of the day all that matters is what you can be doing right this moment to start fixing this, because it's not going to go away.  Eventually she will get old enough, and very likely resent you in the same way you resented your parents.  Your dad is dead, and I'm really sorry for that loss, and that maybe that relationship didn't end the way you'd like, but you have a very real opportunity to not be that...  You can be happy, your daughter can be happy, and I believe you can be at peace with your past.  But you have to put  things into motion

[Tightrope Walker]

@Shadowraix Those are some very good questions I can ask myself in order to get things clearer and I thank you very much for that.

17 minutes ago, Shadowraix said:

What are your desires? Don't be more conscious than you already are. The goal here is for you to act in a way that reflects where you are in life. We aren't going to take the same actions as some guru because we aren't gurus. You are you so while you can take in advice to consider the best choice should be a reflection of what you desire in life.

I desire to contribute with high consciousness music (as progessively high as I can), while at the same time tackling the music bussiness so I can cover my basic needs. Right now I'm writting music that reflects where I am in life: I'm talking about feelings of guilt, anxiety, paranoia, repressed feelings and so on. Even though it may seem like negative stuff, I like this and it helps me become more aware of all this and to contemplate on these thoughts and emotions. Taking into account my experience with other bands as a listener, I know it can be a healing relief to some people to listen to some songs about these feelings, so you know you're not alone in this struggle and realize there can be actually something done about it.

21 minutes ago, Shadowraix said:

Moving there when you are resisting currently is just an attempt to run away from your resistance instead of tackling it head on. Would you move if you were perfectly content in your current situation? Or is your desire to do this only to run away from your current discomfort? What does your intuition say? Its very easy to stray off path of your goals if you consistently run away from discomfort.

This is a very interesting insight, I hadn't really thought of it that way. I don't think I would move there if everything was perfectly fine, I guess I would help with money every month and I would go visit once in a while as she grows up. Maybe one day when she's older, in the improbable case she wants to move in with me for some reason, I would find it perfectly fine. But I don't feel like I want to go and live there right now, I had other plans before this happened and I don't seem to be ready to give them up. I would only be doing that out of guilt and pressure.

35 minutes ago, Shadowraix said:

My advice would be you still have a lot for you to work on. Do you want to help raise somebody before you have your shit figured out?

Of course not, but I'm afraid of myself, and afraid of time. She's three years old now, I'm almost thirty, and I still haven't figured my shit out. I could probably try to work harder on doing this, it's just that I keep trying and failing and as time runs out, sometimes I begin to lose patience.

14 minutes ago, zambize said:

Do you think she is better off without you?

@zambize I do think she's better off without me as I am right now. I believe I would be a terrible father and I would probably cause more damage to her by being present than by being absent. Then again, my ego could be making all this shit up in order to escape from it, I don't trust myself and my mental mechanisms anymore.

15 minutes ago, zambize said:

I think you have to deeply think about the consequences for you, the woman you got pregnant, and the daughter, and exactly what you feel you need to do.  

You're right, I've been trying to find out what exactly I feel I need to do, but I could probably try harder and more seriously, the situation requires it.

17 minutes ago, zambize said:

You can believe you're a shitty person, or you can believe you're not a shitty person, but at the end of the day all that matters is what you can be doing right this moment to start fixing this, because it's not going to go away.  Eventually she will get old enough, and very likely resent you in the same way you resented your parents.  Your dad is dead, and I'm really sorry for that loss, and that maybe that relationship didn't end the way you'd like, but you have a very real opportunity to not be that...  You can be happy, your daughter can be happy, and I believe you can be at peace with your past.  But you have to put  things into motion

You made me think about the fact that I don't tend to imagine more positive scenarios where we can be all happy and at peace. Sometimes negative thoughts and emotions make it all seem so somber that it's hard to react in a positive way. Thank you for that, I guess I could be contemplating on both sides of the picture, bright and dark, and probably get some fresh insights.

 

Thank you so much for your answers and your support guys, you're helping me a lot and I'm really grateful!

May all the love you send be returned and multiplied.

 

[zambize]

Just now, Tightrope Walker said:

@Shadowraix Those are some very good questions I can ask myself in order to get things clearer and I thank you very much for that.

I desire to contribute with high consciousness music (as progessively high as I can), while at the same time tackling the music bussiness so I can cover my basic needs. Right now I'm writting music that reflects where I am in life: I'm talking about feelings of guilt, anxiety, paranoia, repressed feelings and so on. Even though it may seem like negative stuff, I like this and it helps me become more aware of all this and to contemplate on these thoughts and emotions. Taking into account my experience with other bands as a listener, I know it can be a healing relief to some people to listen to some songs about these feelings, so you know you're not alone in this struggle and realize there can be actually something done about it.

This is a very interesting insight, I hadn't really thought of it that way. I don't think I would move there if everything was perfectly fine, I guess I would help with money every month and I would go visit once in a while as she grows up. Maybe one day when she's older, in the improbable case she wants to move in with me for some reason, I would find it perfectly fine. But I don't feel like I want to go and live there right now, I had other plans before this happened and I don't seem to be ready to give them up. I would only be doing that out of guilt and pressure.

Of course not, but I'm afraid of myself, and afraid of time. She's three years old now, I'm almost thirty, and I still haven't figured my shit out. I could probably try to work harder on doing this, it's just that I keep trying and failing and as time runs out, sometimes I begin to lose patience.

@zambize I do think she's better off without me as I am right now. I believe I would be a terrible father and I would probably cause more damage to her by being present than by being absent. Then again, my ego could be making all this shit up in order to escape from it, I don't trust myself and my mental mechanisms anymore.

You're right, I've been trying to find out what exactly I feel I need to do, but I could probably try harder and more seriously, the situation requires it.

You made me think about the fact that I don't tend to imagine more positive scenarios where we can be all happy and at peace. Sometimes negative thoughts and emotions make it all seem so somber that it's hard to react in a positive way. Thank you for that, I guess I could be contemplating on both sides of the picture, bright and dark, and probably get some fresh insights.

 

Thank you so much for your answers and your support guys, you're helping me a lot and I'm really grateful!

May all the love you send be returned and multiplied.

 

Thank you and good luck!  You're not alone in this so if new shit pops up or you need help, you should make another post in the future.  It's nice to be able to work on this kind of stuff together

[Hardkill]

2 hours ago, Tightrope Walker said:

@Hardkill Thank you for your support, it does make me feel better that you think I'm not that bad of a person after all, I really do apreciate that

My ears never got to be the same again, but  they're so much better. As I long as I take good care of them and not expose them to overwhelming noise, I'm able to keep making music, so I'm very thankful for that.

I am sorry that your ears will never be the same, according to you and your doctor. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have your condition. However, I am glad to hear that at least your ears have gotten a lot better. Do they feel comfortable throughout most of the day each day compare to before when it was constantly excruciating?

[Tightrope Walker]

@Hardkill You know, with time I got to be intimate with quite a few people, and one cannot imagine how many of them have to live with some kind of condition, it's just that it doesn't really show. Most people see me play and don't imagine I have this issue going on. Most people probably has some kind of problem or limitation, some of them cannot eat certain stuff, others have some kind of problem in their knee or articulation, some have a problem with headaches, some are getting regular treatment for some organ that is failing, and so on. But you don't get to know that about a person until you know them more closely, because at face value, they all look perfectly fine and normal.

As for me, I have some periods where my ears feel more sensitive, but mostly, I'm feeling more and more comfortable. Sometimes I forget about this, which is good and unthinkable three years ago. Comparing to before, yes, they're a lot better, to me it's a fucking miracle. I just have to take some precautions with loud noises, and avoid headphones as much as I can, even though given my work as a musician, I may need them often when recording and stuff.

 

3 hours ago, zambize said:

It's nice to be able to work on this kind of stuff together

It certainly is!

@Shadowraix I was re-reading your intricate answer and there is something you said that made me realize something: nothing's gonna be better with me just moving there. It's an external solution, on the inside it's gonna be the same, and so on the outside, no matter where I am or who I am with. Man, it's actually harder than that. It's gotta be an honest inner effort to accept things as they are in order to actually go do what I have to do, what I can do, what I truly desire to. Wow, thank you so much for this. 

Now I have a new question: what are some possible ways this resistance could be tackled head on as you say? Or at least, how to eliminate delays to start doing this consistently, as I believe it's not something you can achieve in a couple of minutes with permanent results.

I guess I can forgive myself, and become at peace with my current state, but I can't imagine forgiving myself unless I actually start doing something about it.

[tarax]

I remember reading somewhere that hyperacusis can be caused/worsened by muscle tension in the neck, jaw etc. Have you looked into that at all? E.g. do you grind your teeth at night?

[solr]

Lean into your fear. 

I think at least you should see your daughter. Look into her eyes. Hold her. What do you feel in that moment? You'll never know if you don't try. You made this little human. She is literally made out of you. And she is helpless in this world without you. Maybe a new purpose will arise in you when you see her. The truly meaningful thing in this world is service.

I think you know the answer if you listen to your heart

Good luck <3

Edited January 7, 2019 by solr

[Tightrope Walker]

@tarax Actually I believe I do grind my teeth at night, and while I'm awake too. I've only become aware of all the tension in my body after I started my meditation habit. I've had a few trips with psychedelics where my whole body relaxed in such a way that when I relaxed my jaw a loud click sound happened. Maybe that's the reason my ears got better, because I'm working on those tensions and trying to relax. However, I still spend most of the time unconsciously quite tense. Hopefully it will keep on improving over time.

2 hours ago, solr said:

Maybe a new purpose will arise in you when you see her. The truly meaningful thing in this world is service.

@solr It's gonna be extremely difficult given the distance and my current economic reality, she lives more than 3200 miles away from me. However, I do think you may be right. I could probably make it a goal to go and meet her this year no matter how I do it. True service may be the best strategy against ego's mechanisms.

Thank you friends a lot for helping this guy with your answers!

[solr]

2 hours ago, Tightrope Walker said:

@tarax Actually I believe I do grind my teeth at night, and while I'm awake too. I've only become aware of all the tension in my body after I started my meditation habit. I've had a few trips with psychedelics where my whole body relaxed in such a way that when I relaxed my jaw a loud click sound happened. Maybe that's the reason my ears got better, because I'm working on those tensions and trying to relax. However, I still spend most of the time unconsciously quite tense. Hopefully it will keep on improving over time.

@solr It's gonna be extremely difficult given the distance and my current economic reality, she lives more than 3200 miles away from me. However, I do think you may be right. I could probably make it a goal to go and meet her this year no matter how I do it. True service may be the best strategy against ego's mechanisms.

Thank you friends a lot for helping this guy with your answers!

best of luck, PM me if you ever need someone to talk to