Stifling perfectionism

[Roch]

So everyone talks about how bad it is to stifle creativity. No one ever talks about how bad it is to stifle perfectionism. Perfectionism might not be the right word, but I definitely notice it’s been an issue. I think it’s one of the main reasons I’m not succeeding in life. I remember an inceident from when I was about five or six years old. I was doing some kind of art project with paper. I had to stick one piece of paper to another. Everyone else was happy using one little roll of tape to roughly tack it on. I wasn’t. So I used way too much tape and they punished me for it. Yes I was being wasteful, but they probably could have offered me a glue stick.

 

If I wanted to draw a straight line, perfect circle or stuff like that they could have introduced me to a rulers and compasses. But no. They want me to be satisfied with being mediocre. I think it’s partially Canadian culture. 

I also have a mom who is not Canadian, but she also stifles my perfectionism. I think I have an innate sense of how to organize things, but she likes to stifle it since she thinks I’m too rigid when I make a firm decision. This has lead to me being very indecisive in life. She’s the stereotypical messy artist type. It really drives me crazy.

 

Because of her influence I kind of look like that to people as well. I’m into art and due to a bunch of bullshit I’m disorganized as well. I think people feel more comfortable seeing me that way. They pretty much see me as a dreamer rather than an achiever. Like when I was playing the accordion people focused on how quirky it was rather than the achievement aspect of it. Ugh. This might be why I get so embarrassed about my unusual interests. People are so fucking patronizing about them. I’m learning Hebrew at the moment and I avoid telling people. It’s a quirky language to learn, so I don’t feel like telling people. I might tell people once I want to start chatting with people and I can understand TV shows without subtitles. That won’t be for a while and I’m fine with that.

I’m also studying Turkish for a trip to Turkey. I’ll probably tell people when I’m getting closer to a trip. Learning some basic phrases for a vacation isn’t so quirky. Even when it’s an “obscure” language like Turkish. So if I act casual enough about it no one will act weird about me learning basic Turkish.

This post has mostly been a rant. I guess I want practical ways to deal with a culture that promotes mediocrity.

 

[CreamCat]

According to Leo Gura, perfectionism is neurotic resistance to reality. Perfectionism reduces performance.

On the other hand, if you don't pursue mastery, you get mediocrity.

I recommend watching Leo's videos about mastery and perfectionism.

Edited January 6, 2019 by CreamCat

[zambize]

I agree that perfectionism can reduce performance depending on the goal, but that doesn't make perfectionism bad.  If perfectionism makes you happy, and that's how you want to live you life, fuck what anyone else thinks.  I agree its not the most efficient way to solve every life issue, but who says life is about solving every issues the maximally efficient way.  Then theres also just perfectionism in our hobbies and free time, who the fuck is anyone to tell you how you spend your free time?  So long as your perfectionism isnt causing you to suffer, and that's genuinely who you are and how you like to be, go for it!  We still live in the dark ages, people are going to have some really stupid ideas, myself included, so be confident in yourself.

 

As far as practical advice, if its driving you crazy I would bring this up to your mom, if that relationship is important, then she will need to know this sooner or later, this seems like a core piece of who you are and you want to be authentic.

Also make sure you aren't looking for other peoples acceptance in how you act, accept yourself.  

[Krisena]

As someone high in Big 5 perfectionism, I'd say perfectionism is pretty stifling by itself. I think it's more a curse than a blessing. I would trade it away.

[Roch]

6 hours ago, zambize said:

I agree that perfectionism can reduce performance depending on the goal, but that doesn't make perfectionism bad.  If perfectionism makes you happy, and that's how you want to live you life, fuck what anyone else thinks.  I agree its not the most efficient way to solve every life issue, but who says life is about solving every issues the maximally efficient way.  Then theres also just perfectionism in our hobbies and free time, who the fuck is anyone to tell you how you spend your free time?  So long as your perfectionism isnt causing you to suffer, and that's genuinely who you are and how you like to be, go for it!  We still live in the dark ages, people are going to have some really stupid ideas, myself included, so be confident in yourself.

 

As far as practical advice, if its driving you crazy I would bring this up to your mom, if that relationship is important, then she will need to know this sooner or later, this seems like a core piece of who you are and you want to be authentic.

Also make sure you aren't looking for other peoples acceptance in how you act, accept yourself.  

I guess I want a healthier alternative to perfectionism. But I find what other people think are good ways to get rid of perfectionism just make it worse. As an example I’d want people to give me a ruler if I want to draw a straight line rather than mocking or punishing me for wanting to draw a straight line. Even saying that you don’t *need* to draw a straight line or that no one can draw a straight line would piss me off.

To me those behaviors are disrespectful and I think it’s people who want to drag me down to their level. I already have a lot of weaknesses, I’m sick of other people saying things are impossible just because they struggle with it. So now I don’t tell anyone about wanting to draw a straight line. I search *everywhere* I can for that ruler. Even when I think I’ve found the ruler I still keep things to myself until the ruler has demonstrated to me it can make me draw straight lines.

I find that finding a ruler kind of tones down my perfectionism. Like I might notice I’m not drawing a perfectly straight line, but I’ll notice how much straighter it is compared to the wobbly and clumsy line I tried to draw freehand. And once I have the ruler I can research ways to make the line even straighter or even appreciate situations where freehand in fine. 

[zambize]

22 minutes ago, Roch said:

I guess I want a healthier alternative to perfectionism. But I find what other people think are good ways to get rid of perfectionism just make it worse. As an example I’d want people to give me a ruler if I want to draw a straight line rather than mocking or punishing me for wanting to draw a straight line. Even saying that you don’t *need* to draw a straight line or that no one can draw a straight line would piss me off.

To me those behaviors are disrespectful and I think it’s people who want to drag me down to their level. I already have a lot of weaknesses, I’m sick of other people saying things are impossible just because they struggle with it. So now I don’t tell anyone about wanting to draw a straight line. I search *everywhere* I can for that ruler. Even when I think I’ve found the ruler I still keep things to myself until the ruler has demonstrated to me it can make me draw straight lines.

I find that finding a ruler kind of tones down my perfectionism. Like I might notice I’m not drawing a perfectly straight line, but I’ll notice how much straighter it is compared to the wobbly and clumsy line I tried to draw freehand. And once I have the ruler I can research ways to make the line even straighter or even appreciate situations where freehand in fine. 

Is the problem your perfectionism, or is the problem that you are insecure with people opinions about how you live your life?  I used to act in all sorts of ways opposite to how people wanted me to act just to say fuck you, because freedom and the ability to make my own choices was really important to me.  Your example with the rules seems perfectly healthy to me so long as it doesnt get in your way at all.  How do you feel about your perfectionism?  In what ways is it not healthy for you?