what is marriage about and am i ready for it?

[ajasatya]

i am creating this thread because @Hello from Russia and @Aakash asked me very gently (the beginning of the conversation is here). another reason is because i think it's an important subject that demands ULTRA HIGH LEVELS of responsibility.

what i am going to say will be said from personal experience. i don't intend to be dogmatic here. i've also spent several days investigating this subject under the effect of ayahuasca, which helped me immensely.

i also would like to read @Nahm's POV because i know that he's married as well and has kids, which is something i don't have any practical experience with yet.

marriage is a lifelong commitment to the embodiment of Truth

now that the goal of human society has gone beyond survival, we're reaching extremely high levels of superficiality and toxicity. such patterns of thought are deeply programmed into the mind of the typical human being at very early stages of development. it's so severe that we see manifestations of selfishness everywhere. and when it comes down to intimate relationships, it's no different.

when we start living with someone else, it's very easy to get triggered if we don't work hard on purifying ourselves. many egoic impulses arise on the typical couple, such as neediness, attachment to pleasure, competitions etc. there's a lot of work to do!

i knew that i was ready to marry when i decided that i wanted to be free from selfish pathologies for the rest of my life. i just didn't know who i was going to marry at that time. all i knew is that it had to be with someone with the exact same goal: spiritual purification.

we've been living together for 2 years and a half and it's been an amazing adventure. it becomes better everyday. we heal together. we celebrate together. we suffer together and then we overcome our pasts together. it's an intense training to be present.

we have to learn patience, compassion and comprehension with each other. we have to let go of beliefs, which brings humility into the game. we want a good and healthy environment for our children, which opens room for hard work.

we need to understand that there's no "my money" or "her money". all the money belongs to the family and serves the family. detachment from material possessions!

and the hardest part: be truthful to your heart. the desire to grow has to be DEEP.

[zambize]

Thanks for making this post, I hadn't heard much on the subject and I'm glad that something like this is doable,  I've always liked working in a team and was kind of worried that relationships would only be seen as a hindrance 

[How to be wise]

@ajasatya but how do you heal and grow exactly? Surely just being in the marriage is not enough.

[Aakash]

@ajasatya could you perhaps give an example of a time you both had to release your beliefs to end toxicity and how you went about doing it so to speak? 

[bejapuskas]

2 minutes ago, Aakash said:

@ajasatya could you perhaps give an example of a time you both had to release your beliefs to end toxicity and how you went about doing it so to speak? 

That would be awesome, I had many issues in my past relationships, so this would be very useful

[outlandish]

The act of marriage is a magical ceremony to sanctify an exclusive sexual relationship.

In practice it can be a solid base to grow a family from. Officially stepping out of the dating sphere with your chosen partner allows you to put attention on other priorities.

[ajasatya]

35 minutes ago, outlandish said:

The act of marriage is a magical ceremony to sanctify an exclusive sexual relationship

toxic thought pattern alert! lemme rephrase what you said.

the act of marriage is a magical ceremony to celebrate the fact that 2 people are united in the name of Truth.

edit: i'll be answering questions later.

Edited January 4, 2019 by ajasatya

[Hello from Russia]

Thank you! Do you ever fight with your wife over anything or you completely transcended this? How your conflicts look like? Do they trigger you emotionally?
Also, what is a  good "criteria" for a wife in your opinion, how do you know it is the right person? From the perspective of a Self-actualizing individual who is into pursuit of truth and embodying it

[outlandish]

26 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

toxic thought pattern alert! lemme rephrase what you said.

the act of marriage is a magical ceremony to celebrate the fact that 2 people are united in the name of Truth.

edit: i'll be answering questions later.

That's your meaning of marriage, and it sounds like a very good one, but I'm not sure it's how most cultures of the world view marriage.

Of course everyone is free to create their own meaning, that's the point of the magical ceremony  I was just trying to state the broadest sweeping generalization for what marriage is about at it's core, for most people.

[aurum]

@ajasatya

You made some good points and I can definitely see how people could potentially use marriage as a spiritual practice. So if two people really consciously decided that's what they wanted, that be cool.

From my POV marriage though isn't an attractive option mostly because I don't care for monogamy. Every time I've been monogamous with a girl it ended up feeling forced and like I didn't even know why I was doing it.

I also don't correlate sexual loyalty with being a good partner. If she wants to fuck somebody else I don't care, most people cheat at some point anyway. Just as long as she's okay with me doing the same.

[Nahm]

@ajasatya Thanks! 

Marriage is like psychedelics; neither way is right or wrong, but you very clearly know from direct experience, or you don’t. Both are a total mindf’ing trip, with the potential to show you Love and Truth which could not have been imagined or dreamt of.

 

 

[Hello from Russia]

Also, can you comment on detachment? What is it like in your marriage and what ideal you thrive towards? I found it is somewhat tricky as with marriage you commit your life to one person

[CreamCat]

@aurum I am not as dismissive as monogamy as you are. But, I am not looking forward to marriage, either.

It is a bad legal contract. If you sign the contract, you are 100% responsible for the legal consequences of divorce that will fall upon you with 20~50% chance. Someone said that the greatest cause of divorce is marriage.

Edited January 5, 2019 by CreamCat

[CreamCat]

In the following video,

I heard something in the line of

Quote

Marriage deludes you into thinking that you can escape actual personal growth. You escape into marriage. It is a chimpery of two chimps.

 

I know your marriage is not an escape although it can easily be.

Edited January 5, 2019 by CreamCat

[bejapuskas]

@CreamCat It is so obvious why so many marriages end up divorced, people are just so unconscious. I am not saying that marriage is the best thing that can happen to you, I am not married, but if you cannot take responsibility for your actions or you are scared to do so, it will cause you many problems. Of course marriage is the greatest cause of divorce, you cannot even get divorced if you don't marry  It's like saying that the greatest cause of death is life. Good marriage is only for developed people, but I suppose it is not a must do  What you are saying sounds more like an attempt to escape growth...

[CreamCat]

6 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

What you are saying sounds more like an attempt to escape growth...

Life is already more difficult than I can handle. I don't want to add more problems to my life. I'd rather depend on solo retreats for growth.

Edited January 5, 2019 by CreamCat

[bejapuskas]

@CreamCat You need to face your problems directly, stop trying to run away... Solo retreats are awesome, but your attitude is not.

Nobody is telling you to marry I guess?  

[Devi Shanti]

Hi people, Im @ajasatya's wife. He showed me this thread, so I think its a good opportunity for me to inaugurate my profile on this forum.

Well, reading the comments, I was surprised because I only saw one time (in @Nahm's comment) the main word about this topic: LOVE. Marriage is about love. If you dont feel love or at least are willing to grow this feeling for a partner, there is a great chance of a frustrating relationship.

The moment I realized I was ready to marry someone was when, even when not in a relationship, I felt a sincere real love in my heart, wich I needed to share with someone special. It was a different feeling from when I was in previous relationships, when I wanted someone to love me. I found myself in a sterile life, starving for a land where I could plant and grow the best of me. So, with an open heart, I found someone as well to accomplish a healthy and happy relationship, then, we married.

When I say love is the main thing in a marriage, is because we need this like water to keep going together. It takes love to be patient with other's failures; it takes love to help the other with his difficulties; it takes love to ensure meals in time and clean clothes everyday; it takes love to endure hard job to provide all material necessities; it takes love to take care of each other, specially when sick; it takes love to deal with issues concerning one's relatives...  etc, etc, etc. BUT, the same love is what make you happy when the other is happy, enjoy each day and night together, give a goodbye kiss and a welcome home kiss, having someone to share anything and have someone with whom you can count on anything; someone who knows you better than anyone and want to make you happy (because you make him/her happy!).

Love is the best thing in this world, so, if you have a chance to grow love in your heart, keep the challenge! Love transforms us in better people who can transform the world in a better place.

Maybe this would seem too romantic, but what I say is what I have been experiencing and seen some couples in my social circle do so.

I hope this was helpful in someway.

[zambize]

16 minutes ago, Devi Shanti said:

 

The moment I realized I was ready to marry someone was when, even when not in a relationship, I felt a sincere real love in my heart, wich I needed to share with someone special. It was a different feeling from when I was in previous relationships,

Thanks for making this post, definitely valuable.  Could you dive deeper into how you current sincere love may have felt different than the love you felt in your other relationships?  I feel like so often we kind of trick ourselves into feeling like we are in love because we are lonely and just want someone to be around.  How do you distinguish the love you know is worth building a marriage around, and the "love" other people have but end up breaking up or divorcing.  Or is it the same love but you do a better job at maintaining it?

[ajasatya]

On 04/01/2019 at 5:35 PM, How to be wise said:

but how do you heal and grow exactly?

this is something i noticed when talking to lots and lots of people. i'm more of a listener so i try to get people to places where they are scared to visit alone. i found out that the simple act of talking about their emotional difficulties can be incredibly healing. so we heal together by opening up when the other is truly listening. it's doable because we trust each other... the only challenge is the willingness to explore emotional pain. we build trust and compassion.

On 04/01/2019 at 5:44 PM, Aakash said:

could you perhaps give an example of a time you both had to release your beliefs to end toxicity and how you went about doing it so to speak? 

i found myself defending groundless dogma several times, specially about spirituality. so i had to let go of useless concepts and struggle a little more to understand what REALLY is purification and how it leads to harmony.

22 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

Do you ever fight with your wife over anything or you completely transcended this? How your conflicts look like? Do they trigger you emotionally?

we do have some intense talks very rarely. but it's always calm and in low tone of voice. we talk about our own ways of feeling and expressing those feelings when things don't happen exactly how we want. it's a great way to learn more about emotional mastery.

22 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

what is a  good "criteria" for a wife in your opinion, how do you know it is the right person? From the perspective of a Self-actualizing individual who is into pursuit of truth and embodying it

the good criteria for me was "someone who values health and growth over vanity and vices". how did i know? not so easy... we talked a lot. i was trying to sense her degree of commitment to spiritual purification.

11 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

Also, can you comment on detachment? What is it like in your marriage and what ideal you thrive towards?

we agree that we want to live a healthy life. we want to eat well, exercise and experience emotions in healthy ways. we wouldn't be able to do that if we focused on buying useless and pricey clothes, cellphones of furniture. vanity slows you a lot.

we have a vision for a healthy society and we want to have kids raised with love that can contribute with that world. it feels amazing when we understand that we can contribute to a better world through the feeling of love.

9 hours ago, CreamCat said:

It is a bad legal contract. If you sign the contract, you are 100% responsible for the legal consequences of divorce that will fall upon you with 20~50% chance. Someone said that the greatest cause of divorce is marriage.

i don't know how it is where you live, but here in brazil there are many different kinds of contracts. in our experience, we didn't even care that much about the contract. our vision was already crystal clear that we wanted to grow.