Is It Possible To Completely Detach Feelings From Sex? Should I Stop Or Keep On Seeing Them?

[clytaemnestra]

Hello. Long story short, I'm seeing two guys sexually. I need second opinion.

I met online first of them after I broke-up long relationship and I just wanted good sex. When we met in person, we went right to bed because we were both too horny and we liked each other. The thing is, he's totally out of my league and in a committed relationship. He's ten years older than me (me 21), super handsome, successful (lawyer in state court), humorous, funny, eloquent. After sex I went home and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I'm aware that for him it was just sex, and he's a cheater, what means I'm not his only lover probably, but he's out of my league and I have some weird feeling for the first time in my life. I don't know how to explain it, I've never had someone sooo high-level liking me.

Second of them, I also met online, he's a student just as me, and we used to chat every day and talk a lot, we have many things in common. We had a sex two times and I liked it, and I liked spending time with him. He's not seeing anyone except me, and we agreed that we don't want a relationship, just FWB (and we are 200km far away one from another, so we see each other like once per month), but in the last 7 days I'm the one initiating conversation (and before he used to text me every day first) so I feel a bit devastated, because I used to share my daily feelings and things happening in my life with him for already two months and now I feel pushy with him not contacting me first. He's not seeing anyone else and I've asked him last night if I bother him when I contact him first, he said I'm not and everything is fine and we chatted normally. 

Now, I'm seeing both of them because I feel like it is the only way to make things under control. I like the feeling of having options and not getting attached to only one man, but still I do have some feelings for both of them, not like being in love, but like thinking a lot about both of them.

Should I push it through till I come at the level where I can detach sex from feelings, like men can or should I stop all of this because it is impossible to be totally emotionally non involved in those kinds of interaction? And if you have some particular advises about both guys, feel free to comment it. 

[oschi]

It should never be ones goal to detach sex from feelings. We are on this planet so that we can express our feelings in such moments. Sometimes you have to disciplin your emotions when you focus on your life purpose/job and so on. But when it is about sex, it is all about what is going on inside you. Otherwise sex doesn't matter because then it is just a primal instinct/social achievment. And don't say that men can detach sex from feelings. That is not true. I just think that being in this situation that you help him cheat on his girl/wife is not very respectable. Would you like to be in her possition? I guess not. So why do you feed this wolf? This is egoistic. In the end you can do whatever you want. As long as you can live with the consequences. I can imagine that it is thrilling to some degree. But feeding this wolf even longer just shows how weak you really are. Did someone ever hurt you in a relationship? That would probably mean that you do that because of defiance. You have to confront yourself and realize what you really want. Do you want sex? Why do you want sex? Why do you not want a relationship? Why are you in such a weird situation? Are you afraid? I can say for sure what I thought when I was your age in a similar situation. I was just a big piece of angst. Being afraid that I would not fit in the standard of coolness. So I just had it going with 2 girls and everything that remains is a feeling of stupidity and the regret of not showing enough respect to any of the 2 girls. So, be grounded. Think a lot and find the answers. They are all inside you. I guess that there is a lot of immaturity in you and you don't have to blame yourself for that. It is your right to be who you are. But maybe you have to find your true self before believing in a lie.

[clytaemnestra]

2 hours ago, oschi said:

Did someone ever hurt you in a relationship?

No, I wasn't hurt, I left him because I wanted to focus on my carrier. I really feel much better being single, than being in a relationship we had. Now, I have more time for myself. 

 

2 hours ago, oschi said:

So why do you feed this wolf?

Because it is forbidden fruit and I feel like I need to try it in my life. Just to feel how it tastes. I know it is not moral, but it is just driving me crazy, he's like the hottest guy I've ever had. I just wanted to experience the forbidden fruit, and after sex I was super happy, but after few days I was totally screwed up, I was sitting and thinking about his girlfriend and crying and it took me few days to cope with it. Some of my girl friends had sex even with married guys and they're like 'come on, it's just sex, no feelings involved, enjoy your life' but in my case it hurt me at the beginning, I don't know how they are so emotionally resistant.

 

2 hours ago, oschi said:

Why do you want sex? Why do you not want a relationship?

I want sex simply because I enjoy it. I don't want a relationship because I'm focused on my carrier at the moment, and during the summer I'll be abroad for three months so I don't want to start anything and then just left, not because of me, but because I don't want to hurt someone and I don't want to complicate things, it's better to wait after summer. And I kinda want to enjoy my freedom, I was two years in a relationship.

2 hours ago, oschi said:

Are you afraid?

Yes, I'm afraid. That I'll have to choose between abstinence or falling in love because I can't detach sex from feelings. I just want to push it through and to say I can have sex without connecting any love emotions with our interaction. I guess it's something we women learn how to control and it comes with time.

2 hours ago, oschi said:

the standard of coolness

In my (conservative) society if people knew about this, I'd fit in the standard of slutiness, nothing else. 

Yes, there is a lot of immaturity and this is the first time I'm having sex with someone who with I'm not in a relationship (only one before I slept with was my ex) so everything is like new and weird for me. Thank you for your answer.

[oschi]

You don't have to compare yourself to the standard of your friends. I lost contact to my closest circle of friends because their standard totally doesn't fit mine. Who knows. Maybe your friends are mentally instable or something. Maybe they cry a lot. Sometimes it helps to speak to your closest friend and open up to her. Because getting his/her understanding will be more valuable then ours for you. I am right now in a relationship with someone who is very needy. Or maybe I don't take it that seriously. But the point is that I don't care that much anymore. I took most of the love back to me so that I focus on loving myself. Because what I truly desire isn't being in a relationship but experiencing some crazy things and finding my true self. Having a threesome. Having an ONS. But honestly, there isn't something like: "Yeah I would desire having sex with a married woman."

Maybe once. I would do it once, maybe  Cause my desire is having sex with an older lady. That would totally be cool. But making sure that the damage that I create isn't huge. Because nobody deserves being hurt very much. Own happiness can't be based on destructing. Maybe it is all good that you made that kind of experience. It might be a valuable lesson. But don't keep on doing it. It would show a huge self-worth if you would tell the engaged "hot" guy that you can't do that and really stick to it.

[Argue]

I feel like you're investing too much emotion. 

You're single, you can do whatever you want. Learn how to not feel guilty/sad/other mixed emotions for yourself.  

These thoughts you're having is normal. Learn to let go and live in the present moment. Be grateful you're feeding your soul love and happiness. That's is all that matters. This is my opinion of course but you seem fine. Just be careful to develop strong loving feelings because then youre sabotaging yourself. Good luck out there and have the fun your heart desires. You deserve it. Stay awesome  @clytaemnestra

[clytaemnestra]

4 hours ago, Argue said:

develop strong loving feelings

I think I won't develop them, as Leo said in How to control your emotions 'your emotions are result of your thoughts', and that said I'm aware that it is impossible to have a relationship with any of them, since one has a gf, and another lives too far, so I'm in control of my emotions in general. 

It's just that everything is new for me now and I feel like all over the place, and I'm trying to enjoy and to perceive it as only fun, but still I do have some emotions, I think about both of them and I think I pay too much attention on the whole situation. I hope that in a few months when I look back I'll laugh how things seems to be big and important to me, and actually they are not. Thank you.

[Mppdidi]

Hey Clytaemnestra,

any 'progress' on your topic. I can relate to this in a similar fashion / plot  a couple of years back. Bottom line for me, loving and accepting yourself is the 'rock of gilbratar' that will always be there for you. Looking forward to hearing from you.

 

All the best